Thursday, June 02, 2005

San Francisco Cocksuckas

We done gone and done it now.

Every time I, or someone I know, passes through (or merely mentions) 1st Street and 1st Avenue here in the place where they make the non-Pace Picante salsa, we automatically allude to it as the Seinfeldian "nexus of the universe." Friends, after reading the following story, I think it's safe to say we're all not only passing through 1st and 1st, we're all bunkin' up at the nexus.

The current uproar surrounds a 49ers team video, a diversity training film made for internal use by the team's public relations director Kirk Reynolds in response to Garrison Hearst's anti-gay comments a few years ago.

Let's just say people aren't taking too kindly to its content, and the very message of the video -- "You do something controversial, you say something controversial, it will have an impact on this team. So remember, be mindful of your actions." -- has become more prophetic than the franchise will ever know. Talk about your all-time backfires.

Oh, you can smell the irony all the way out in Alcatraz. This is beyond irony actually...this is some first-class O'Henry/Gift of the Magi irony-shit right here. Please take a few minutes and read this SF Chronicle piece, I think you'll really enjoy it (there are some great quotes hiding towards the bottom, so forget that you're afflicted with ADD like every other cable-addicted human under 35 and just read the fucking thing).

I'm now assuming you've read the article. If not, here's one last opportunity. And you can see the video through the SF Gate site here.

I'm glad this happened for one main reason: Finally, my chance to publicly poke holes in the increasingly popular "[This video] is absolutely contradictory to the ideals and values of the San Francisco 49ers" public relations defense. That's what you're gonna go with? Absolutely contradictory?

How can this video be absolutely contradictory to the ideals and values of an organization when two or three of its actors have sometimes been the public face of the franchise? Star linebacker Julian Peterson, linebacker Jeff Ulbrich, team trainer George Chung, as well as Reynolds, the man in charge of crafting a positive public image for the team, and general manager Terry Donahue's roommate all played a big part in getting this video made. Ahhh, I can see how this is absolutely contradictory to the ideals and values of the 49ers.

And I ask you, wouldn't former first-round draft pick Mike Rumph warrant an outright release for saying, "I thought it was one of the funniest things I ever saw?" I mean, it's obvious to me that he doesn't share nor understand the high moral standard held by the rest of the organization, save of course two of its starting linebackers, a former trainer, the PR director and the old GM.

Rumph, however, provides the most level-headed quote in the piece: "The locker room is like a fraternity. The outside world can't really judge that." And we can't. We can't hold this group's feet to the PC fire. After all, this is 70 players and coaches in a lockerroom full of guys that, while they may give in to homoerotic temptation from time to time, find gay people absolutely contradictory to their ideals and values. We can't possibly judge this video and this humor on the same merits as the workplace. Because that would be silly.

I just don't get it. I don't get how Donahue can deny any culpability when his roommate was in two of the video's scenes. I don't get how the Mayor's office can be so shocked when it failed to ask for a script before giving its tacit approval. I don't get how team owner John York can feign such disgust when he saw the video half a year ago and didn't say anything then.

But mostly I don't get why this is such a big deal. Topless lesbians? Off-color racial jokes? In a lockerroom? The horror! The shame! Goddamn, didn't anyone watch Playmakers, Any Given Sunday, The Program, Necessary Roughness or any other football movie ever made?

I, for one, applaud Reynolds for trying to appeal to his players in a way they might actually comprehend the message. In addition to being educational, this video sounds fucking hilarious (you can watch it through the link in the article, but I'm on my roommate's work laptop and I better not take the chance). You can sign me up for "completely inappropriate" any day.

Incidentally, this is a damn good piece of sports journalism. In fact, between this article, all the grand jury/steroids stories and the constant breaking news on Bonds' health, the Chronicle is off to a killer start in 2005 and deserves some sort of medal or plaque. Get these people a trophy.

In other sports news, rumors of Juan Gonzalez's imminent return to the Indians' lineup may have been a bit premature. Three pitches. That's all it took for Team-First Juan Gone to make his way back to the DL for the 12th time in his career. All heart, that guy.

Seeing this reminds me of one of our first fantasy drafts ever...the year was either 1992 or '93 or '94, and Juan Gone was obviously a monster back then, a first- or second-round pick for sure. In like the 20th round of the draft, this kid comes to the end of his allotted time, looks up from his papers and asks, "Ummm, is Juan Gonzalez taken?" We still laugh about that to this day.


At 10:35 AM, Blogger PaulNoonan said...

Completely agree. I made a point in the comments over at my place that had this been a Chappelle Show sketch no one would have batted an eye. You're right (and Rumph is right" that this is normal locker room behavior.

That said, I do think that it was fair to fire the PR guy because when you make a video like this it ABSOLUTELY WILL BECOME PUBLIC, and not knowing that indicates that he is too stupid to hold his job. Especially a PR job.

Oddly enough, had he arranged a "live performance" it probably would have gone better for him. And it certainly would have been more fun for the players.

At 11:19 AM, Blogger John Howard said...

A live performance would have been a much better way to go. The guy definitely should have been fired, if only for his poor acting.

At 11:21 AM, Blogger jp said...

Some of the quotes were hilarious....but I'm as un-PC as they come. And for the record, I didn't support Bush or his erection.

At 12:39 PM, Blogger ethan said...

i didn't watch the video yet, but this has to be up there with classics such as barney's "don't cry for me, i'm already dead" black and white simpson's epic.

At 12:56 PM, Blogger Wooglin said...

What's everybody freaking about about? The video seems to be filled with truisms.
1) Lesbians do get married and make out in San Fran.
2) You should not drop the soap in jail.
3) All Chinese people do in fact pronounce L's as R's.

Sounds like a documentary to me.

WWCC/Post: 22 min = $44.00
WWCC/Total: $59.00

At 1:12 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Noonan, agreed on your points...I mean, of course you have to fire the guy because he had to know it would become public, but I just wish people wouldn't be such assfaces and settle down.

But after reading Wooglin's post, now I think he's right and everyone should go fuck themselves for fighting the truth. Can'twait til the WWCC gets up to the thousands...productivity be damned.

At 1:30 PM, Blogger PaulNoonan said...


For the record, Barney's flick is titled "Puke-o-hontas."


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