Wednesday, July 13, 2005

I Can See Clearly Now

I woke up on Monday morning with pretty poor vision. Not the worst eyesight out there, but I definitely needed to wear glasses or contacts as a result of some rather nasty astigmatisms in both peepers.

I walked into a clinic on Monday afternoon for a fairly harmless ten-minute procedure, where a doctor gave me the A Clockwork Orange eyes-forced-open treatment and shot a "laser" through each of my lamps to correct these optimo-problems as I lovingly clutched a stuffed hippo to my chest.

I woke up on Tuesday morning with better vision than most of you mere mortals. In fact, I was reading 20/20 on that annoying lettered chart not 24 hours after surgery. Ahh, the wonders of technology. I'm the anti-Thomas Dolby: They un-blinded me with science.

LASIK...I mean, seriously, what will they think of next? I'm impressed. These scienticians or whoever they are really did some good work.

For anyone contemplating the surgery, take some advice from Nike and Maury Finkel: (Just) do it. It's remarkable, it's incredible, and truthfully, I still can't believe the effects. I couldn't imagine what it would be like to awake from nightly slumber and be able to see the television clearly. Now I know it's great. I couldn't envision what it would be like to look in the mirror and see an unspectacled Ace. Now I know I look handsome and debonair. It's awesome, I can even see things like street signs and addresses from more than five feet away.

And aside from the time I moved my head at the exact time the laser was about to pierce my left cornea, the surgery was a piece of cake. Sure, there's some minor discomfort, and they jab some shit in your eye that's not cool, but you're in and out in 10-20 minutes. Here's the rub: Everyone told me, "You'll be completely fine by the next morning," but nobody told me that for the next four to six hours I'd feel like someone threw Fuji dust or buckets of sand in my ojos or like I'd been swimming in raw sewage (and I don't love it).

So after the numbing agent wears off, make sure to get yourself a valium, a Tylenol PM or drink a pint of Benadryl. I couldn't fall alseep in that kind of stinging pain, so I went from really psyched about the surgery to really pissed at myself in a short period of time. But by about the time Bobby Abreu won the Homerun Derby title, the pain started to cease and my eyes started to open a bit. I can see! I can really see perfectly! My smile came back instantly.

And when I woke up the next day and tore those doc-issued Kurt Rambis shields off my face, I felt truly bionic. I have a feeling of sheer joy enveloping me today, and I'm not sure how quickly this is going to fade. Sure, there are some trivial annoyances I have to put up with this week, like eyedrops and night shields and no eye-rubbing and all that, but it's all worth it. And you can't swim for a week or two, but like Corky says, there ain't no swimmin' in my show.

The Ace Cowboy can see perfectly, without glasses or contacts. And there ain't no stoppin' me now.


At 12:59 PM, Blogger PaulNoonan said...

Welcome to the club, Ace:

It's the best thing ever. I was blind as a bat before too. I was better than 20/20 for a while, I seem to be just normal now, but it's still great.

I became instantly better at all sports. I didn't have to fumble for specs in the morning. I have no fashion sense so I wasn't saddled with ugle specs anymore. I realized how dirty my shower is.

It will change your life and every blindish person who can afford to get it should do so.

At 1:17 PM, Anonymous Ringo said...

Wonder if it will change the experience to clearly see the chick you're absolutely defiling during sex. . hmmmmm...

Just kidding, Ace - congrats.

But seriously, you're a bad man.

At 1:30 PM, Blogger Matty Mac said...

"I couldn't envision what it would be like to look in the mirror and see an unspectacled Ace."

Pun intended?

At 2:04 PM, Blogger The Ambiguously Gay Uno said...

Did the surgery rob some of the creativity from the Ace mind, or was it simply coincidence that you chose the exact same title that Noonan used?

Oh stop- you left us bored for two days straight; I'm allowed to make a comment.

At 2:32 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Yeah, AGU, that's a good point. But I imagine every blogger who has had LASIK has used that exact title. It's a good tune and a good title.

At 2:33 PM, Blogger Phiul said...

Good job AC. Mrs. McGillicuty is next. She's looking forward to it.

At 2:38 PM, Blogger Jason Mulgrew said...

That's ok; Noonan stole my "Choice Cuts" title. We all share.

At 3:25 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Nice, Titsy, I didn't know the Mrs. wore contacts...good luck to her.

And Mulgrew knows I came up with the "Choice Cuts" title for his beloved website. So it's cool, it's all cool.

Youze got hoagies?

At 11:51 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

It is a cosmetic procedure with real risks and lots of unknowns. Glad to hear about your positive results. What's next... calf implants?


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