Wednesday, August 31, 2005

And Now, Some Frivolity

I can't stop watching coverage of this Hurricane Katrina disaster.

A major American city is 80 percent under water, the government orders everyone to evacuate, the levee reparations aren't taking, oil and gas production and pipelines are shut down and prices around the country are rising faster than the water level in the city (gouging, price hikes, long lines at the pump, praise Jebus I don't drive a car).

We're watching the closest thing to a modern Pompeii unfold. Here's the understatement of the year: We are witnessing serious history, folks. But as the journalism gets more yellow, and as people make me feel like a complete deek for making one or two harmless little jokes, here are some frivilous questions I'd like answered:

--First, the obvious: What happens to Mardi Gras and the N.O. Jazz & Heritage Festival? Will the city be fixed enough to hold these events next year (not a chance) or will they be moved to another city, like Baton Rouge? Where will girls go wild if not New Orleans?

What happened to the Mardi Gras parade floats, were they washed away? Will the bead industry take a serious hit or will they re-name them anal beads and sell 'em to porn shops? What about the Jazzfest sound stages? Did Allen Toussaint actually leave New Orleans or did he chain himself to the fairgrounds? Shouldn't this hurricane have been named Sneakin' Sally?

--I haven't had my fantasy football draft yet. What happens to the fantasy value of the New Orleans Saints players? There's no chance these guys play a home game at the Superdome this year, right? Will 16 "road" games (even if they're at LSU's Tiger Stadium) take its toll on Aaron Brooks, Deucey Deuce, Joe Horn, Donte' Stallworth, John Carney and the team's already inconsistent defense?

--How does this hurricane affect Mississippi native Brett Fav-ruh's mindset going into the year? Favre apparently lost his childhood home in Kiln -- Legos, Tonkas, trophies, pharmies and all. And while his family was safe from harm after riding out the storm in an attic, does this conclude the most awful couple of years for one of the "good guys" in professional sports?

First his father dies suddenly of a heart attack in December 2003, then his brother-in-law dies in an ATV accident on his property, then his wife gets breast cancer a few days later. Now this. This guy is clearly a closet puppy-killer or cat-raper to deserve this fate, no? Jeez, you really gotta feel for the man.

--Now, it appears the LSU Stadium and campus came through the storm all right, but how psyched do you think Nick Saban is he decided to leave LSU for the Dolphins job? I'm sure he was pissed when it looked like Katrina was coming after southern Florida, but then it turned out it headed for his old residence. And, conversely, how freaked out and pissed at himself do you imagine new LSU head coach Les Miles is he left Oklahoma State for the muck of Louisiana?

--And what about George Shin's decision to flip off the Charlotte fans and move his Hornets down to New Orleans? He's gotta be kicking himself right about now, right? Talk about poetic justice: The guy re-located his franchise away from one of the most loyal fanbases in the country to an underwater city that may never be the same again.

--What happens to the college students down there, at Tulane and all the local community colleges and smaller schools, not to mention the elemantary, middle and high schools in the area? Let alone the fact that Tulane is going to have to refund a shit-ton of money, what do the students do for education? Five-minute rule? Six-month vacation? Free transfer to LSU?

--If the city ever gets back to what it used to be, should they re-name the drink from "The Hurricane" to something else? Wouldn't that be like the vacationers in Phuket downing "Tsunami" after "Tsunami" on the beach? How's that for a splash of irony and a twist of lemon?

--What else are you afraid to ask for fear of ridicule? Here's the place, ask away below. And if you've got any answers for me, leave those in the comments section as well.

And as a reminder, you can save your hell-bound soul by donating to the relief effort here:
American Red Cross Effort
FEMA's list of many other places to donate

21 Comments:

At 1:06 PM, Anonymous CHefra said...

My friend and I came up with an idea for a hurricane relief tour to raise some funds. Too soon? Here's a potential line-up:
Allen Touissant
Bo Dollis & Wild Mags
Big Sams Fundy Nation
Original Meters
Zigaboo Funk Review
Uptown Allstars/ Ivan Neville's Dumpstaphunk
Anders Osbourne
Neville Brothers
Dr John
Rebirth
Dirty Dozen
Galactic
etc.

What do you think? How do we get this off the ground?

 
At 1:15 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

That is a great idea...I'd say call Superfly, but their offices is probably 10 feet under water right now.

Dr. John is playing at Hookahville this weekend and TJ in OH will be there backstage. Maybe I'll get him to advance the idea...

You're in for 10 percent.

 
At 1:22 PM, Blogger MDS said...

Come on, the city will be ready by Mardi Gras. They still did New Year's Eve in Times Square in 2001.

Just a guess, but I think playing on grass might help Deuce McAllister. I think his knees and ankles will be in better shape in December of this year than they have been in past seasons.

 
At 1:26 PM, Anonymous Chefra said...

Make it happen Ace! I just want the All Access laminate. I'm also a chef so I'll cater the backstage area. Let's get er done!

 
At 1:28 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Worst thing ever...chick I heard about just got to Tulane for freshman year...only to fly home and now spend minimum of one semester at famed Nassau Community College

 
At 1:32 PM, Blogger poophopanonymous22 said...

wow, phenominal post, 1st brett favre. i think its safe to say he is giving kelly taylor a run for her money as most tormented human on the planet.

2nd, mardi gras, beside from being under 20 feet of water, i'd say Bourbon street is much cleaner now than it has ever been, just think how cool mardi gras could be, if it were on the water, kayaks and canoes everywhere, i think i'm on to something

as for tulane students, friend of a friend of a friends relative goes there and students arent allowed to go back until they say so, they, of course being "the man". they should make dead man on campus 2

i'll stop babbling now

 
At 1:44 PM, Blogger jakezebra said...

Will the NCAA make the University of Miami change it's mascot now?

 
At 1:49 PM, Blogger ColonialCrestCrew said...

We loved this post. That's why we're naming you "Today's Best Blog." Keep up the great work!

 
At 2:17 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Allright, I'm gonna try to hit everyone here:

MDS, you think Mardi Gras is gonna go on in NO as planned? I admire your optimism, I just don't see it happening. It's gonna be until Xmas before they even get the water and disease out of this place, before people can even start to move back in. Like Vinnie Mac, no chance. Also, Times Square on NYE 2001 was totally unaffected by 9/11. Apples and oranges.

Chefra, if you believe in me, we'll get it done. Or git r dun. Either way. And sure, you can cook all you want in our VIP tent...

Anon, that sucks...if I were forced to live at home for three months instead of partying my ass off in New Orleans, I may need psychological help. Tell your chica friend to seek counseling immediately.

Poophop, nice Kelly analogy and great idea about Mardi Gras on water. I'd say 50 percent of the crowd would drown, but that's Darwinism at its finest I guess.

Zebra, brilliant as always.

CCC, much thanks.

And now, I go back to work. Or not.

 
At 2:36 PM, Anonymous K Wynn said...

Believe it or not I'm to attend a National Weatherization Conference in NO in 3 weeks. We pretty much figured that it was cancelled...until today we received an email from our hotel on Canal street reporting..no flood water or damage and as far as they knew we were still a go. Go figure. So now I gotta dig those beads out of my ass and get'm cleaned up for perhaps some boobie bartering.

BTW, remember kids...anal beads are to be removed slllooowwwwwlllly....else...well...you can imagine.

 
At 3:38 PM, Anonymous Chefra said...

I believe. I know no one in the biz, so the ball is in your court. Keep me posted on progress. I'll come up with a tastey menu.

 
At 4:19 PM, Blogger Don Fiedler said...

Could there be a better time for the re-mastered version of Down in the Flood (Crash on the Levee) from Rock of Ages, Disc 2? "Ohhhhhhh, mama ain't you gonna miss yo' best frien' now?" (yes, I know you linked to the accoustic version but robbie's intro in this song rocks ass!)

OK, is it now possible to gauge the depth of the flood waters using the cover of Confederacy of Dunces?

http://www.ioncinema.com/beta/images/upload/95poster.jpg

"Mother! After your inane babbling, you'll notice that this muck and filth has risen past my valve and near my protective scarf. My valve shall close!"

On a more serious note, if they knew this storm was coming with at least a day to prepare, why weren't the 475 buses that are now ferrying people to the Astrodome being put to use...before the storm hit? Wouldn't that have made more sense? Then maybe we wouldn't have what looks more and more like a concentration camp for flood-soaked blacks.

Norman Mailer, admittedly kinda nuts, once gave an interview where he spoke about how easily African American concentration camps could come about. He spoke about a resumption of rioting in the cities prompting martial law and overflowing jails forcing make shift camps outside cities. Now, though, you're going to have to house hundreds of thousands of poor blacks who have lost everything, isolated from the whites with cars who fled the city, and the govt is going to have to supervise them. It's going to be 90+ for a couple more weeks down there, with humidity and disease and frustration and desperation running rampant. They're most likely going to be in tent cities or some other makeshift shelter. If rioting is set off there (say on the north shore of Lake Pontchatrain), then armed patrols will be sent in. This is all far-fetched but certainly somewhat plausible given the circumstances.

And what boggles my mind, given this epic disaster, is that the major networks are still carrying regular programming. Seems wrong.

And any relief tour must include Buckwheat Zydeco...or else...

 
At 4:37 PM, Anonymous Chefra said...

That's what I meant by the etc. The more the merrier. I realy think that this should and could happen.

 
At 4:40 PM, Anonymous Chefra said...

I mean the concert, not the African American concentration camps. Just so there's no confusion. I love black people!

 
At 6:03 PM, Blogger misterlister said...

Ace, regarding pitching matchups, I know you're not a Mets fan, but you occasionally pay them some respect, and now is as good a time as any to mention tonite's duel at Shea involving Pedro and Brett Myers. Unfortunately I didn't see last nite's heartwarming comeback, but the NL Wildcard race is about as good as it gets right now, especially because everyone is going to be playing each other for the rest of the season.

Let's hope for this 19-year-old pitcher's sake that he reads the news these days, particularly the stories involving Doc "aka Dr. Richard Kimble" Gooden, and that he makes sure not to party with the Reverend Darryl Strawberry.

I say that the hurricane relief tour should rip off one of the best city marketing campaigns ever and call itself the "I (insert red heart) NO" tour. I think that if somebody were to design t-shirts for the cause, that would probably be a great brand that would sell like Bourbon Street hand grenades to high school chicks.

 
At 10:06 AM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Donnie, Myrna Minkoff says that comment was too good not to be expanded into it's own post...get to it or my valve shall close completely! Gloria!

Lister, good idea on the T-shirts...this blog's readers have come up with some dynamite ideas to make money for New Orleans and for ourselves, but you know what, instead maybe we should just sit on our asses and do nothing. Much easier that way.

Sorry about Pedro and the Mets, bud, but I have Brett Myers in fantasy and I needed that win. Still, I was kinda rooting for your boys. I'd love to see these Mets succeed, they're a fun team to watch.

 
At 11:36 AM, Blogger MDS said...

"what boggles my mind, given this epic disaster, is that the major networks are still carrying regular programming. Seems wrong."

I don't get that. What would be accomplished by taking regular programming off the air?

I'm amazed at how many Confederacy of Dunces references I've come across lately. What's most amazing is that I'm reading the book myself right now. Yesterday I was sitting on the train reading it and a guy sat down next to me who was reading it too. That's never happened to me, and I've always participated in the citywide program where we're all supposed to read the same book.

 
At 12:52 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

"That's never happened to me, and I've always participated in the citywide program where we're all supposed to read the same book."

I need an explanation of this. Sounds awesome. I think this program has serious potential.

 
At 3:57 PM, Anonymous J. said...

More on one book, one city programs:

http://www.loc.gov/loc/cfbook/one-book.html

 
At 6:34 PM, Blogger Don Fiedler said...

"I don't get that. What would be accomplished by taking regular programming off the air?"

Nothing would be accomplished. I just think it's weird that you can watch Will & Grace while people shoot each other and drown...in America. That's all. I'm not looking for an accomplishment from the major networks. I've stopped believing that they could accomplish anything worth watching years ago.

i bet no one reads this post.

 
At 9:55 PM, Anonymous CHefra said...

I'll take that bet. It gets pretty depressing watching this coverage. My heart hurts for NO and it's people, but it's nice to look away for a couple minutes. We know what's going on without having to watch the images on t.v.

 

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