Monday, August 01, 2005

Breaking News: Roid-Rage Raffy

Well, a big-name player has finally been busted:

"NEW YORK ( -- Rafael Palmeiro, who last month became the fourth member of baseball's 3,000-hit, 500-home run club, tested positive for steroids,'s Tom Verducci has confirmed.

The penalty for a first offense under baseball's drug-testing plan is a 10-day suspension."

This may be just a 10-day suspension, but his chance at a plaque in Cooperstown just flew right out the window. Enjoy life after baseball as a leper, Raffy. And please don't test Giambi.

"Good morning, Mr. Chairman and members of the committee. My name is Rafael Palmeiro and I am a professional baseball player. I'll be brief in my remarks today. Let me start by telling you this: I have never used steroids. Period. I don't know how to say it any more clearly than that. Never. The reference to me in Mr. Canseco's book is absolutely false. I am against the use of steroids. I don't think athletes should use steroids and I don't think our kids should use them. That point of view is one, unfortunately, that is not shared by our former colleague, Jose Canseco. Mr. Canseco is an unashamed advocate for increased steroid use by all athletes."


At 1:17 PM, Blogger John Howard said...

Maybe they mistakenly tested him for Viagra.

At 1:26 PM, Blogger offpeak34 said...

This makes anyone in baseball a suspect at this point, if he can use after testifying in Congress and the implementation of a new drug testing policy. It's clear that Giambi is juicing up once again, how else would you explain the fact that he's no longer a worthless player?

At 1:27 PM, Blogger offpeak34 said...

and the Viagra joke is now never going to grow old

At 2:28 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Fuckin' Raffy. Who knew you needed steroids to make children's music? Crazy world.

At 3:17 PM, Blogger ethan said...

if there was one slugger who i didn't think juiced it was raffy. but i do remember reading a story a long time ago that when he was a young mlb-er (with the cubs), he was content to hit .300 with no power. until his crazy dad basically told him he was a pussy for hitting singles to left.

At 4:22 PM, Blogger poophopanonymous22 said...

4:20 joke time...(sorry for the length) A ventriloquist visiting Ireland walks into a small village and sees a local sitting in his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the local man "Can I talk to your dog?" Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid git."
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?" Dog: "Doin' all right." Villager: (look of extreme shock) Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?"(pointing at the villager)
Dog: "Yep" Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play." Villager: (look of utter disbelief) Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either.... I think."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool"
Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Villager: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Villager: (in a panic) "The sheep's a f**king liar!"

At 4:23 PM, Blogger MDS said...

What a lying sack of shit. I'm waiting for some baseball player to be a man and say, "Yes, I used steroids. I wanted to be the best player I could be, and steroids helped me toward that goal. I don't regret it at all." The day that happens is the day I buy the first baseball jersey I've ever bought.

At 4:33 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Poophop, I like that joke...good stuff.

MDS, I would agree with you, but that's almost exactly what Canseco did and he's been ostracized.

At 5:58 PM, Anonymous handstand said...

I think what MDS is saying is that he/she wants a player to have a press conference and just admit that they took steroids - not write a book about it, go on every interview possible to drag teammates through the mud, get on a reality tv show, etc. Don't be a douchebag, just admit it like a man.

At 7:54 PM, Blogger Matty Mac said...

I agree with MDS and handstand most definitely.

I'm no legal whiz and I don't pay attention much to "laws" or "authority", but since he testified under oath, can he be charged? Or is there a question of whether or not he "knowingly" took steroid? I know some of you guys are in the legal business or whatever, so I figured someone has to know.

I think that this is going to make it really, really tough to get him in the Hall now. Most writers say that he was on the bubble before this, although I am not sure if I agree with them or not, and I know it's been discussed here in the recent past.

I also thinks it takes away from being known as the player with the best latin/porn moustache. Jose Valentin has taken his place.

At 8:20 PM, Blogger Matty Mac said...

Not to get off track here, but I am going to get off track here.

How did anyone miss this on this site? Or maybe I missed the day that it was talked about here? Anyway, I was just checking out the Pirates/Braves box score from today's Pirates' win and I noticed that the homeplate umpire's name was Troy FULLWOOD. Why hasn't anyone that I know said anything about this? I think I can state with confidence that he got some serious shit for his last name growing up, and he probably still does.

How can any announcer say his name without snickering?

A manager and Troy get into an argument:

Joe Buck - "Cox is face to face with Fullwood...ha...haha...hahahaha..okay, sorry folks, I just can't say that without laughing. Where's Wang and Bush when you need them?"

At 8:58 AM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Yeah, I understood what you guys were saying...just pointing out that it still matters who it is and how he says it. Like, if Bonds did it at a big press conference, I doubt MDS would be running out to buy his jersey.

Fullwood, hmmmm...that's a good one.

At 10:19 AM, Blogger ethan said...

matty - there's no perjury in this case because he testified in march and tested positive afterward. i'm no legal stalwart either, but i think this clears him.

At 1:27 PM, Blogger MDS said...

If Bonds admitted to steroid use he'd be going back on his previous statements. What I want is a player who has never denied steroid use in the past now to just come forward and admit it. Canseco has denied it in the past, and plus as was mentioned he admitted it in the context of trying to get publicity for his book. At this point I'm sure it'll never happen, but I just think it would be cool.

I mentioned this in a slightly off-topic way on my blog.


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