Monday, August 29, 2005

Hello, Babar

I really don't think this article is all that funny in the real world, but the way it's written is just hysterical. This lede is one of the best I've ever seen, it has everything:

"More than 50,000 bare-breasted virgins vied to become the King of Swaziland's 13th wife on Monday in a ceremony which critics say ill befits a country with the world's highest HIV/AIDS rate."

It continues with a fascinating description of what material covered the King's royal junk and the virgins' impenetrable cooters:

"King Mswati III, sub-Saharan Africa's last absolute monarch, arrived dressed in a leopard-skin loincloth to watch the Reed Dance ceremony, which he has used since 1999 to pluck new brides from the girls dressed in little more than beaded mini-skirts."

Crazy, check out the king's official picture. For you Northwestern folks wondering where three-year starting cornerback and Ace friend Harold Blackmon went after college, the mystery is solved. Now, let's move on to some benevolent name-calling:

"Wielding machetes and singing tributes to the king and queen mother, also known as the Great She-Elephant, the girls danced around the royal stadium in the hope of catching the eye of the 37-year-old monarch."

Wait, the king's mother's nickname is the Great She-Elephant? And that never got anyone killed or started a tribal war? More importantly, nobody in the country cares that this 37-year-old loser still lives with his mother? Not only that, the queen mother condones her son's virgin-plucking and seems to encourage it. That's just freaky.

Wouldn't you just love to see the competition's winning virgin walk up to the king and say, "You can take swipe V-Card tonight, but your mother can't watch, that's extra"? Instead they say dumb things to Western reporters like:

"'I want to live a nice life, have money, be rich, have a BMW and cellphone,' said one dancer, 16-year-old Zodwa Mamba, who wore a traditional brightly coloured tasselled scarf."

Apparently the women in Swaziland are very similar to the ones in America. I bet they're also infatuated with celebrity gossip like Brad and Angelina's relationship and wait for the fall magazines to come out before they buy new clothes. It's a small world after all.

The rest of the article is much sadder, you can read it on your own.


At 4:14 PM, Blogger MDS said...

For more info about Swaziland, its king, and sex, read this article.

I reprint here the headline and first two paragraphs, and then there's something I'd like to discuss:

Swazi girls burn sex-ban tassels

A pile of thousands of woollen tassels symbolising chastity has been set on fire in Swaziland to mark the end of a sex ban imposed by King Mswati III. The secret ceremony took place at the crack of dawn. Men were banned.

After the tassels were burnt, some 30,000 Swazi girls danced in the national stadium in front of the king, before feasting on slaughtered cattle.

OK, it's that last part I want to discuss. Feasting on slaughtered cattle? That's certainly an odd phrasing. A casual reader might not stop to consider that millions of Americans feast on slaughtered cattle every day. I might do it at dinner tonight.

At 5:00 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

I loved massacred pig.

At 12:10 AM, Anonymous Greg said...

Sheeeee's yourrrrrrr...... Queeeeeeeeeeeeennnn tooo-oooooh beee.....

At 8:25 AM, Blogger Matty Mac said...

They should play a little game called "King Mswati III Says" and have all the girls line up in there beaded thong thingies.

King Mswati III says bark like a dog.

King Mswati III says bark like a big dog.

Hop on one leg.

I didn't says King Mswati III says. Behead her.

At 10:52 AM, Blogger Matty Mac said...

Not to be outdone, the princess of Swaziland threw a little bash herself and received a spanking for it. Literally. Check it out here


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