Monday, August 15, 2005

Over the Line, But Mark It Funny

I did just about nothing yesterday. In the morning and early afternoon New York City was stifling hot, an oppressive humidity keeping me indoors for hours. Then, at long last, the skies opened up and the floods came, Mother Nature producing two successive storms that caused several hours of thunder and lightning. That fucking whore.

The good news is that I stayed inside and watched the Yanks pound the Rangers through two rain delays, Pedro nearly no-no it up and the PGA become an interesting seven-man race with Tiger in the mix. The bad news is I was bored out of my skull. So I listened to music all day and cleaned out some old e-mails, leading me to write two blog posts which I'll publish later.

In the 10:30 last night, there was nothing on television except the Cards and the Cubs, a game I didn't feel like watching for some reason. So the AGU and I tuned into the Comedy Central Roast of Pamela Anderson, already in progress. And friends, if there's something I enjoy more than anything, it's mean-spirited comedy for the sake of charity (Pam apparently agreeing to this in order to raise money for PETA).

Anyone's who has seen a Comedy Central Roast knows one important rule: Even if it's not funny, just wait until Roast-specialist Jeff Ross gets up there. This guy is the funniest and meanest man I've ever seen on TV. He teased Rob Reiner about his ex-wife, "I wouldn't fuck Penny Marshall with Bea Arthur's dick," (since amending it to the generic "I wouldn't fuck Bea Arthur with Bea Arthur's dick"). Almost every joke he tells has Bea Arthur as a punchline, and they're all hysterical.

Wouldn't you know it, they Roastmasters invited Bea Arthur to this particular gala. Bea does her schtick, which wasn't very funny, and sits back down. Then Jeff Ross comes out immediately after, wearing a huge fur coat (remember the PETA cause). And he starts up right away: "It's fake, it's fake, we just shaved Bea Arthur's back." My jaw dropped as they show a horrified Bea on stage, and right now we're just getting started.

Then he looks right at Bea and says, "I wouldn't fuck Bea Arthur's dick with Andy Dick's pussy," and the crowd erupts. Andy Dick's on stage, too, and everyone's a little red at that one. I'm in full hysterics at this point. Jeff also delivered a series of one-liners about Tommy Lee's large member, as did just about everybody. But he had one that cracked me up for some reason: "Tommy Lee's dick is bigger than David Hasselhoff is in Germany."

But here's the best part, which I saved for last. Apparently Courtney Love and Pam Anderson are close, blonde friends, and Ms. Love certainly got an earful from just about every Roaster. That set up the Line of the Millenium, which even I thought might have been over the top: After a slew of several Courtney jokes, Jeff Ross asks the crowd while looking at her, "How is it possible that Courtney Love looks worse than Kurt Cobain?"

Nobody quite knew what to do at that point. Even Jeff looked like he knew he went over the top. But maaaaannnnn is that an Instant Classic. Jeff Ross, long live the King.

Slack Song of the Day: Nothing beat Phish playing Terrapin Station on the three-year anniversary of Jerry Garcia's death. So you can imagine the hubbub when Trey played an acoustic Ripple on the 10-year anniversary at one of his solo shows. It's nothing special, but then again, it is. Enjoy!

We'll have plenty more Songs of the Day later, as Phish played their final notes ever about 15 hours from now, and I've put a little something together. For all the non-fans out there, go ahead and roll your eyes on the count of three...


At 10:05 AM, Blogger Jason Mulgrew said...

Hollywood Mulgrew says:

My agent went to the roast and said it sucked. I wonder if the rest of it sucked or they edited it so only the best bits got put on Comedy Central? Do tell.

At 10:41 AM, Blogger Kenny Alias said...

Is Bea Arthur your agent?

At 11:03 AM, Blogger poophopanonymous22 said...

jeff ross was great. am i the only one who thinks greg giraldo is hysterical??? i love that guy

At 11:07 AM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Didn't see a Greg Giraldo...I saw Bea, Jeff, Sarah Silverman, Courtney Love and Andy Dick. And Jeff and Sarah were both hilarious.

I saw 25 minutes of this thing and thought it was funny, but maybe your "agent" had to sit through four hours of piss-poor comedians. I think Kenny's right about the identity of your agent.

At 11:20 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...


At 11:35 AM, Blogger poophopanonymous22 said...

giraldo was the first roaster i believe

all caps anon, long time listenah fihst time callah jesus, boot time u post a comment

At 12:44 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

I also like the part when Courtney Love for the 10th time says, "Clean and sober for a year."

And Kimmel shoots back, "If you're not on drugs, you've got problems."

Also, Kimmel's best line as emcee -- "this is where I put my penis when I'm thinking about Pamela Anderson," when introducing his girlfriend Sarah Silverman.

At 2:09 PM, Blogger John Howard said...

I didn't see the roast, but I heard them talking about it on some radio show this morning. Acoording to them, there were quite a few Hepatitis C jokes that were cut out. Also, Courtney Love apparently tripped or something at the end.

At 4:05 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

I saw one Hep C joke, but it wasn't all that funny...Andy Dick making a dumb joke, saying Tommy Lee could only get Hep D or D-minus. Weak sauce.

Most of the 25 minutes I saw was very funny, and I'll leave it at that. Courtney Love is scary.


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