Wednesday, August 10, 2005

With a Net

Talk about your all-time schmucks...

I'm sure you've heard by now, but last night's Yankee game was delayed for about five minutes in the eighth inning after an 18-year-old fan fell 40 feet from the upper deck.

In front of 50,000 fans and a big television audience, first Scott Harper looked completely stunned, a natural reaction. Then he looked like he'd vomit everywhere, through the net and onto the fans below. Then he did some fantastic hyperventilating, really well done. Finally, he crawled to safety and was legitimately manhandled and wedgied by a Stadium guard and some police officers.

At first I felt bad for the kid, for the falling and the wedgie. But according to ESPN, "Harper told three friends he was sitting with that he was going to test whether the net would hold his weight -- and then he jumped, police said. Det. Kevin Czartoryski said Harper was arrested and police expect to charge him with reckless endangerment, criminal mischief, criminal trespass and disorderly conduct."

The biggest story from the game wasn't Skippy the WonderDouche, though. It was Paul Konerko's ninth-inning homerun off left-hander Alan Embree, adding an insurance run to make it 2-0. What the shit is this guy doing pitching to a power-hitting righty in the ninth?! Even The Boss knows that's not the right move, and he said so to the press: "I'm not pleased with the manager," Steinbrenner said. "I don't know why they kept the left-hander in there...He should never have pitched to Konerko. Konerko's their best hitter."

He's absolutely right. In a 1-0 game against one of the best teams in the league, you don't try to rest your top relievers. You play to win the game. What, does Herm Edwards have to coach the Yankees too? You play to win the game. And of course, we were losing because ChiSox hurler Jose Contreras decided not to suck for the first time in his Yankee Stadium career. Doesn't it just always work out like that?

The only silver lining: Shawn Chacon is making me look wicked smaht. It's only been three games in Pinstripes, but he's been about as lights out as any pitcher in the league since the trade, throwing up a 1.42 ERA in those three starts. Unfortunately, he has no wins to show for it. Nothing like getting traded to the Yank'ums and having no wins with a 1.42 ERA. That's like moving into the Playboy Mansion for a week, showing off your 10-inch cock and not getting laid. C'mon.

Slack Songs of the Day: Today we're gonna lay down two of the highlights from Saturday's Trey/Mule show at Jones Beach.

The first one is Trey coming out to play with Warren and Gov't Mule on That's What Love Will Make You Do. This version is off the charts. In fact, I just logged onto and ordered some new ones, because the old charts can't handle this shit. The second, Warren coming out to play with 70 Volt Parade on 46 Days. You have to download 'em, but it's well worth it. Seriously.

Also, Trey played Ripple in honor of the Jerry Garcia last night during his acoustic mini-set (I thought acoustic set was special for us, Trey, you told us we were special!). That's pretty sweet, though, I had guessed he'd played Row Jimmy. I'd like to hear that Ripple.


At 10:04 AM, Blogger PaulNoonan said...

"Scott Harper." Yeah right. I know Steve Bartman when I see him.

At 10:24 AM, Blogger ethan said...

that embree situation was god awful. he wasn't going to stay in to face the slew of righties anyway, so why not make the change to start the inning? what, was torre keeping in embree hoping guillen wouldn't pinch hit for timo fucking perez?

chacon has been a dandy. one note - he must've been going deep into the count a lot last night, since he threw 120 pitches with only 6 baserunners and 4 k's thru 7 though.

At 10:30 AM, Blogger Matty Mac said...

Embree is a spy for us. He was wearing his Sox t-shirt under his uniform.

Seriously though, the Sox got rid of him for a reason: he sucks. He did a great job for us last year, but this year he may as well be throwing underhand from 40 feet away.

What if Mr. Harper's theory came out the other way and the net didn't hold him and he fell through, killing two 8 year olds below? Would he be charged with involuntary manslaughter on account of sheer stupidity?

At 10:37 AM, Blogger ethan said...

yeah but then they went and picked up 68 year old mike remlinger. seriously, that guy's had a gray goatee since 1993.

both the yanks and sox are desperate right now. i think steve howe is available.

At 10:42 AM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

The net kid is a moron...I don't want him to get jail time, but that kid better get some sort of punishment, a fine and many hours of creative community service. What a loser.

Embree still has flashes of brilliance...he threw in two games last week where he pitched really well (1.1 IP, all outs). But why pitch him to righties?! That just made no sense. Sturtzey, Gordon, Mo, the options are endless.

At 10:57 AM, Blogger Matty Mac said...

Ethan - good call on Remlinger. He was part of the Chicago Black Sox back in the day I think. He also positively SUCKED last night. He'll be gone soon enough. When he came in last night, I said "I thought we got rid of John Halama?", grey goatee and all.

At 10:58 AM, Blogger misterlister said...

Apparently that stupid kid is from my hometown of Armonk, NY. One more reason that Westchester County is going to shit. Well, at least I'm not from Long Island.

At 11:53 AM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Hey, at least Long Island kids don't bring their little brothers into your room and puke all over the place.

Westchester this, Lister!

At 12:06 PM, Blogger misterlister said...

I got nothing. I knew I was setting myself up for something, and apparently I'm the only one who forgot about said incident. I feel like dragging myself to a Pathmark and buying you the biggest package of store brand paper towels they've got. Viva la Guyland.

At 12:33 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

I've got a wicked memory like that...only, I think it's hilarious because he was the third person to throw up in our room that night. What are the odds?! Well, when you host upside-down margarita shots in your room, I guess those odds are increased.

Long time, man...hope all is well on your side of the tracks these days.

At 1:05 PM, Blogger hoobs said...

the image of little lister projectile vomitting on our door is burned into my brain.

At 7:59 PM, Blogger ahren said...

the crowes opened their show at the fillmore with "he's gone" -- tasty.


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