Tuesday, August 23, 2005

You Can't Make This Stuff Up

In yet another sign that we'll be a nation of complete idiots within the next half-century, more than 13 percent of the girls in one Canton, Ohio high school are knocked up.

"There are 490 female students at Timken High School, and 65 are pregnant, according to a recent report in the Canton Repository...

According to the Canton Health Department, statistics through July show that 104 of the 586 babies born to Canton residents in Aultman Hospital and Mercy Medical Center had mothers between 11 and 19." [More]

That story would be sadder than hell if not for this hysterically impossible post-script. So I looked it up, and wouldn't you know it, Canton Timken High's nickname is...you guessed it, the Trojans.

12 Comments:

At 4:16 PM, Blogger MDS said...

I recently read an article about a 22-year-old woman who died in a car accident. Near the end of the story, it listed her survivors, including her 9-year-old daughter.

The Chicago Sun-Times ran a puff piece on Jan. 2 about the first baby born in Chicago in 2005. The mother was 15 and the father was 20, which the Sun-Times mentioned in passing as if it were perfectly OK.

 
At 4:32 PM, Blogger poophopanonymous22 said...

note to self, move to canton ohio, for the loose high school chicks... and the football hall, but mostly the loose high school chicks

i can actually picture norm mcdonald saying this on weekend update, god bless norm

 
At 4:35 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Ya know, I love Norm MacDonald, I think the guy's hilarious and Dirty Work is one of the more underrated shitty comedies of our lifetimes -- but that "Note to self" stuff was atrociously unfunny.

 
At 4:51 PM, Blogger poophopanonymous22 said...

oh boooooooooooooooo ace, booooooooooo i know funny, and funny is "note to self"

 
At 5:11 PM, Blogger TRES CEE said...

short shorts, who wears, short shorts, dah dah dah dha amen, who wears short shorts, who wears short shorts, i hope cee does, amen,

 
At 5:28 PM, Anonymous K Wynn said...

Sand holes, nose holes and now loose teenage holes...damn this site fucking rules...and even a mention of Norm McDonald..kill me now..

 
At 8:32 AM, Blogger Justin said...

This is quite depressing...

Yet, weird. Yet, impossible? Yet, disgusting (not in the good way).

shivers...

 
At 9:01 AM, Blogger dhodge said...

I loved this quote: "School officials are not sure what has caused so many pregnancies". Last time I checked, most pregnancies were caused by sexual intercourse. I guess there is the possibility that all of these girls have been secretly artificially inseminated.

 
At 9:05 AM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 9:06 AM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Allright, poophop, I'll admit, it's kinda funny. Nah, it's not. Well, I'll compromise. It's funny in Dirty Work, not very funny on SNL. I love when Norm accidentally cursed on SNL Weekend Update and promptly thanked everyone for tuning into his last show.

Ha, great point dhodge...I'm pretty sure everyone read that article and asked the same question, yet the d-bag editors couldn't catch that? Yaaay journalism!

Nice, Steve Wynn's kid drops by...dude, get me a free suite and a pair of busty hookers. Stat.

 
At 12:17 PM, Anonymous K Wynn said...

Done. I will however require a cc number so I can set you up a line of credit...fill in the blanks please.
____ - _____ - _____ - _____

thank you...glad to help out,
and enjoy your stay. Did I mention you'll be rooming with Jason Mulgrew?...yeah, have fun with that.

 
At 12:50 PM, Anonymous K Wynn said...

Oh yeah, I forgot to ask..Female or Male hookers? Might take me a few days to round up a few busty older gentlemen if men hookers would be your preference. I already know what Mulgrew wants. Anyone have Verne Troyer's phone number?

 

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