Friday, September 09, 2005

NFL Preview 2005

As promised this morning, I want to get my football predictions down before the season officially kicks off with a full slate of games. In four months, this will definitely serve as an awesome reminder that I know absolute shit about things I proclaim to love.

Also, if you want to read some other people who know next to nothing, check out the Sports Guy, Mulgrew and ESPN's so-called experts. (And yes, J, I stole your format for this post, so feel free to get up on that blogger high horse of yours and berate "all the people" that are stealing your bits, you revolutionary bastard).

Since I'm an AFC guy, and considering there isn't an NFC team I can see winning the Super Bowl, let's start there. I'm not going to include records, but only because the math won't work out and if I'm not going to do something right, I'm not going to do it at all. I never do anything right. Well, you know how this all ends, so let's see how we get there:

AFC East
New York Jets
New England Patriots
Buffalo Bills
Miami Dolphins

Don't get me wrong, I still think the Pats are going to be dominant. But I think the Jets will be too, and they're going to eke out the division. I'd be long on the Bills, but the JP Losman era would scare me as a Bills fan. As for the Fins, well, the Feeley/Frerotte combo is about as bad as the old Dave Brown/Kent Graham duo.

AFC North
Cincinnati Bengals
Baltimore Ravens
Pittsburgh Steelers
Cleveland Browns

I'm buying the Carson Palmer breakout year. And it better happen, because I have Chad Johnson and Carson on my fantasy squad. I think this is the year Mitchell VergerDartz III and the rest of the Queen City populace celebrates a division title. My bold prediction of the year: Ben Roethlisberger loses his starting job by the end of the year. I mean, did anyone see him against the Jets in the playoffs last year? The dude was atrocious.

AFC South
Indianapolis Colts
Jacksonville Jaguars
Houston Texans
Tennessee Titans

Want another bold prediction? The Titans compete for worst team in the conference. I just don't see them being very good. Of course, I'm generally wrong most of the time, so I'm sure they'll win the Super Bowl. Peyton & Company win the division easily, but don't sleep on the Jags, who have less pressure after last year's under-achievation. Man, I just made up a great word.

AFC West
Kansas City Chiefs
San Diego Chargers
Denver Broncos
Oakland Raiders

That's great, but who are the Chefs? Between Priest Holmes and Grandmama Larry Johnson, this team is quote-unquote running away with this division. Like what I did there? I do too. LT and the Chargers will be contenders, but I don't think they'll come close to the success they had last season. I hope Brees continues to flourish though, so my "Drew Brees is My Enemy" story will be picked up by the AP.

NFC East
Philadelphia Freedoms
Dallas Cowboys
New York Giants
Washington Redskins

This division should be pitiful. Philly is going to lock up the East before Thanksgiving. Enough said.

NFC Norris
Minnesota Vikings
Chicago Bears
Detroit Lions
Green Bay Packers

I'm lovin' the Bears. In fact, the Sports Guy's mention of them in his column really pissed me off, because now people are going to be looking for them. I think Kyle Orton is going to have a Roethlisberger-type season, and the team is really going to gel under Lovie Smith. They WILL make the playoffs. Oh, and the Vikings end the season with the best record in the NFC. And the Packers suck. And the Lions remain mediocre to bad. And I've been swimming in raw sewage. And I love it.

NFC South
Carolina Panthers
Atlanta Falcons
New Orleans Saints
Tampa Bay Bucs

Much like the Bears, I love the Panthers this season. I'm really pissed at myself for not picking Jake Delhomme in my fantasy draft, because he's in for an MVP-caliber season. The Bucs fall back to terribleness and the Saints, flooded with emotions and having no home field, wade their way to a 6-10 record. But, as the announcers will surely say in whispered tones, they'll do it in a "very classy" manner. Stay classy, New Orleans. Go fuck yourself, Tampa.

NFC West
St. Louis Rams
Seattle Seahawks
Arizona Cardinals
San Francisco Terribles

If the 49ers win more than three games, I'll be shocked. Flat-out shocked. I like the Cards this season but everyone does, and that scares me. Still, look for rookie back JJ Arrington to be dyn-o-mite and the Cards' receivers to bring in da noise and da funk. Rams take the crown by default.

Playoffs (Playoffs? You're asking me about playoffs?)
AFC Wild Card Round
#6 Ravens over #3 Chiefs
#5 Patriots over #4 Bengals

NFC Wild Card Round
#3 Eagles over #6 Bears
#5 Falcons over #4 Rams

AFC Semis
#1 Colts over #6 Ravens
#2 Jets over #5 Patriots

NFC Semis
#1 Vikings over #5 Falcons
#2 Panthers over #3 Eagles

AFC Championship: #2 Jets over #1 Colts
NFC Championship: #2 Panthers over #1 Vikings

Super Bowl XL: Jets defeat Panthers, 31-17. I rejoice. That's it.

8 Comments:

At 3:06 PM, Blogger PaulNoonan said...

You can't see the Panthers winning the Superbowl? Two years ago they were pretty darn close.

And was that a Naked Gun 2 reference? I love it.

 
At 3:12 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

When did I say I can't see them winning it? Did I?

Naked Gun, you know it.

 
At 3:19 PM, Blogger PaulNoonan said...

"Since I'm an AFC guy, and considering there isn't an NFC team I can see winning the Super Bowl." (Emphasis mine)

 
At 3:30 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Ah, there it is...OK, maybe I can see Carolina, Minny or the Eagles winning it all, but I doubt it.

 
At 3:51 PM, Blogger ethan said...

"I think Kyle Orton is going to have a Roethlisberger-type season"

this is like saying in april that scott kazmir would win 20 for the d-rays. in fact the bears-2005 drays comparison may be dead on.

 
At 1:10 AM, Blogger Benson said...

this is the vikes year...dante got his bad game outta the way already

 
At 3:01 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

GOSH U NOTHING ABOUT FOOTBALL, STICK TO CALL SETLISTS....

FELLS

GMEN!

 
At 3:06 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

And you know nothing about typing, buddy! Get a CAPS LOCK key and stop leaving out words from your sentences...

 

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