Monday, September 19, 2005

Unsung Heroes

On my bus trip home from the Meadowlands yesterday, I thought about some of the people I saw this weekend that get no credit for being who they are. First, thanks to Mr. Glaser for the ducat, always a pleasure to watch the Jets take home opener against a division rival. Now I'd like to point out two individuals and one group that win my non-existent Unsung Heroes of the Weekend Awards. Warning, here's the part where I come off as a shallow, insensitive jerk.

Ugly Girl's Friends: I took the subway down to this party at Jacob Eli and Back Page Phil's plush SoHo pad on Saturday night. If there's ever a perfect time and place to people-watch in Manhattan, it's aboard the subway on a weekend evening. New York City is full of those perfect people-watching times and places, but that's my absolute favorite, because all the "pretty persons" like myself and my super-hot friends are usually taking cabs above-ground. Yeah, I just rolled my eyes at that last sentence, too. It's cool, ese.

On this particular ride downtown, I stood next to a gaggle of soon-to-be-out-and-dancin' ladies, most likely fresh out of college, maybe 23. Two of them were somewhat attractive, two were more suitable to my friends who find no fault in getting plastered and taking home some buffer-level chicks, and one was downright heinous. And I mean utterly horrendous, a generous one out of 10.

I really hate to be this superficial, but she was largely overweight, rocked an inoperable overbite straight out of the cartoons with a tooth-to-gum ratio that was off the charts, and the coup de grace, full-fledged sideburns. Well, they weren't really sideburns, I guess, they were more like mutton chops.

Yet she seemed to be oh so comfortable within this group of girls, like this is where she belonged, like the group deferred to her on key decisions, like they enjoyed her company, like she led the pack. I loved it. For the 12 minute I rode the train with them, I marveled at her easy acceptance, at her genuine leadership, at her large tufts of of facial hair. I've always thought pretty girls hang around the less pretty ones because it makes them look better by comparison (this is true in 90% of all ugly/pretty relationships, I think). This, though, looked like a case of friendship and belonging and understanding.

So here's to you, nameless and unheralded girls of the New York City subway system. You may have to uncomfortably introduce someone as "my friend" to that cute guy at the bar, but thanks for being people that can get beneath the surface and find the beauty in everyone.

Pimple Guy's Girlfriend: For some strange reason, maybe as a result of the dearth of cabs, I rode the subway home from the SoHo party after 1 am. The train was surprisingly busy, which meant I probably wasn't going to be assaulted physically or sexually. So that's nice. I sat on the bench seat and stared blankly forward, across from a couple smooching and whispering sweet nothings to each other. She was a plain-looking Hispanic girl, he was a roundish white nerd with glasses and a dry, spiked head of hair.

Only one problem: He didn't have acne, he had a face full of it and skin where ordinary people with bad skin would have acne. You know how mean little kids used to call other kids with pimples "Pepperoni Pizza Face" or some derivation of? Well, that wouldn't even apply here, unless Domino's or Pizza Hut came up with a new type of pizza where they cut up the 'roni into microdots and cover the pie and crust with tons of those finely chopped 'roni dots. Then they'd have to cook it, take it out of the oven and re-apply hundreds more. Then you'd have an apt metaphor.

But his girlfriend looked smitten, and I saw a genuine happiness as they gazed into each other's souls. She was able to look right through his reddened facial topography and see the person behind the mask.

So here's to you, nameless and unheralded girlfriend of the new Microdot Pepperoni Pizza Face on the subway. You may have to smooch some lip zits, but like the nameless and unheralded girls of the New York City subway system, you're a better person for the ability to love those for who they are, not what they look like.

OK, let's move on to someone who doesn't make me sound like a total asshole incapable of playing nice...

Harper's Horse: Just about every football fan in the country knows Ed Anzalone, the guy in the fireman's helmet and #42 Harper jersey better known as Fireman Ed. He's the ever-intense bohemoth constantly situated in the aisles in between Section 133 and 134 of Giants Stadium, eight times a season, every year. On any of those given Sundays though, the New York City firefighter isn't extinguishing conflagrations big and small, he's lighting a fire under the 80,000 Jets fans by leading the crowd in "J-E-T-S Jets Jets Jets" cheers.

But the guy who receives no credit whatsoever, the man who sees no ink in the local press, who gets no love from the tailgaters outside the Stadium is the man whose shoulders Fireman Ed sits atop while he does his thang. How easy do you think it is hoist about 250 pounds of muscle and rage on your being for more than half the game as Fireman Ed riles up the crowd? To me, it seems easy...I've been workin' out, I'm huge. To others, that can't be much fun. They call Chicago the "City of Broad Shoulders," but Chicago's got nothing on the Monster beneath the Man.

So here's to you, nameless and unheralded Jet fan associated with the Fireman Ed. He may be the face of the franchise's fan base, but you are the horse on which he rides to glory.

Slack Link of the Day: Now it may be lip service, and it may be a case of "I had my fingers crossed the whoooole time," but North Korea has agreed to give up its nuclear weapons program in exchange for some energy, economic and security benefits. It's amazing what a little light can do to a room, or in this case, a country.

Kim Jong Il is clearly a clazy, clazy man who once kidnapped his favorite South Korean actress in order to improve his own country’s cinema, but I think he made the right decision here. Personally, I'm waiting for the following press release out of Pyongyang: "No backies, touch blacksies, fuck you Yankee Bluejeans!"

Slack Disgust of the Day: Wait a minute, wait a minute...did James Fucking Spader beat out Ian McShane for Best Actor in a Drama? I'd get upset here, but instead I'll just laugh and scoff. I mean, after all, Everybody Loves Raymond beat Arrested Development for Best Comedy Series, so it's not like these are real awards or anything.

Slack Song of the Day: Got it from the top, it's nothing yoooou can stop. So I ask you, fans and non-fans of the Grateful Dead -- old, fast They Love Each Other (2/9/73) or new, slow They Love Each Other (10/9/82) -- which one is better?

Lord you can seeee, that it's truuuue.

23 Comments:

At 10:36 AM, Blogger ethan said...

arrested development season premiere in less than 12 hours. a good choice would be to dvr it and watch it at halftime of MNF.

 
At 10:57 AM, Blogger NewmRadio said...

You're a funny man, Ace! Old & fast wins.

 
At 11:01 AM, Blogger offpeak34 said...

Haha, that's some funny stuff there. In regards to Fireman Ed, and unheralded heroes, just thought you might find it interesting to know that Klecko came up with the J E T S Jets Jets Jets and would lead the chant in the upper levels, while Fireman Ed would in the lower level. Klecko wouldn't get on anyone's shoulders or anything, but somehow Fireman Ed became the face of the chant. Klecko is a largely unsung hero in football in general--one of the best ever defensive players to play the game.

 
At 11:20 AM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Ehtan, don't tell me how to run my business...especially with one but two games on tonight. Trust me, though, AD will be watched tonight and re-watched two or three times this week.

Newman, see, I like the Old and Fast as much as anybody, but I think I like it for the novelty. The slow version is really priceless, such a beautiful ballad that nearly brings me to tears. That fast version is like a good changeup, just stops you dead in your tracks and your knees buckle.

By the way, folks, if you're not going over the NewmRadio (link on the right toolbar >>>>), you're missing out. This guy has some great tunes playing and some great spots...

Offpeak, good stuff on Joe Klecko. You know he accidentally killed somebody just last week? He hit someone on the Major Deegan pushing a grocery cart. Crazy shit. Total accident, sad stuff. Google it.

 
At 11:27 AM, Blogger MDS said...

As I read this post I was reminded of an interview I once saw with Dustin Hoffman. It was one of those stupid little AFI tributes, and this one was about Tootsie. Anyway, it started off as a lighthearted interview, but then Dustin Hoffman started crying and saying that to him, the message of Tootsie is that ugly women aren't judged by what matters; they're just dismissed because of their appearance. Hoffman said he was ashamed of himself when he thought back about women whose company he might have enjoyed but he was too shallow to even give the time of day to an ugly woman. Sobs all around.

Now, I don't think I'm overly judgmental about people based on their physical appearance, but at the same time I must admit that as you describe the girl with the sideburns, I don't know that I could be attracted to her no matter how wonderful her personality. The question is, is a woman like that ever able to find a man? Are there some men out there who really do care only about personality? Or are there some men out there who find sideburns attractive on a woman?

 
At 11:35 AM, Blogger Jacob Eli said...

Nice post Ace, but don't think I didn't notice you stole the Bud Light "Real Men of Genius" format with your "Here's to you..."

You didn't even source it, that's a Medill F right there.

Gotta love all the They Love Each Others, but the Old and Fast just makes me get up and dance everytime. Heck, I'm even getting a little funky right here and now at my desk (and I'm getting looks as people walk by). That's the version for me...

 
At 11:37 AM, Blogger John Howard said...

I like James Spader, and Boston Legal, and his character on there is pretty funny, but until he has a meaningful conversation with a Chinese guy whose only english consists of the word cocksucker, then he really doesn't deserve the award.

 
At 11:38 AM, Blogger Gypsy Rose said...

I probably shouldn’t keep leaving comments here because I know a bunch of 26 year old guys (your demographic) don’t want to hear from me. But you keep bringing up things that I find really interesting.

Anyway, all groups of girls have that girl. I was I guess one of those margin/buffer girls, but in the group of relatively attractive girls non-the-less. Our version was a 300 pound Italian girl to our neurotic but wild Irish girls. She wasn’t ugly at all, but a gigantic
earth-mother soul priestess type. Like Gerry Garcia meets Mother Teresa meets Mama Cass in these XXXXL tie-dye dresses.

We would go to her for absolution. Like “Laurie, I cheated on my boyfriend” or “Laurie, I met a guy at the beach and had sex with him 2 hours later (not me on that one).”

Anyway, she’d give you the “I understand” and “You didn’t mean to do it” and “I know you won’t do it again.” Knowing full well that we did and we would but that she had done her job/fulfilled her role.

But as for MDS’ comments. The thing I have always found fascinating about that whole deal is the amount of short, fat, bald, pockmarked, style challenged men who will go to the grave alone and bitter before dating sideburns girl.

 
At 12:00 PM, Blogger ethan said...

what about you sideburns, you want some milk?

also, like 1 out of every 4 girls at MIT had sideburns. and lots of them had boyfriends. boyfriends who wore short purple sweatpants with gray velcro sneakers and didn't shower or see the light of day for weeks at a time, but boyfriends nonetheless.

 
At 12:00 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Jacob, you know what's funny? I wrote much of this post last night, and all morning I've been singing "Reeeeeal Men of Genius" and I had no idea why. There it is! I'm a plagiarizer!

MDS, you have been bringing some top-notch debate to this here blog. I personally think even if I were horribly disfigured in a Joe Klecko car crash, I still wouldn't touch a girl with sideburns. I mean, one of the hottest and sexiest chicks I've ever hooked up with had a little hair issue, but that was a different set of circumstances.

And Gypsy, if I wanted to hear the same opinion from a bunch of 26 year olds, there's no way I'd be doing this. I love the fact that old fucks like you and JRH and TJ in OH contribute your AARP comments right here. It's gives me some street cred with the seniors home.

Great story by the way...

 
At 12:39 PM, Blogger ahren said...

i also give the pimple-overlooker a lot of credit, but for different reasons. she's buying low. she's banking on the fact that somehow, someway, pimply will beat that acne, and she'll have a god-damned prince on her hands. it's like my friend's theory, "always be nice to the fat girls that just joined gym."

 
At 1:18 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

That's a good point, Ahren...but he was also probably between 25 and 30 years of age. At what point does one reasonably expect that condition to go away?! It wasn't like he was in the throes of puberty or anything...

 
At 1:50 PM, Blogger dhodge said...

I have an untested theory that guys can date out of their league if they are willing to include single moms in their dating pool. Perhaps this factors into the explanation for the pimple-overlooker?

 
At 2:30 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

I like that theory the best, although I don't think there's a chance in hell I'd date a single mother. That just leads itself to a Jonathan Lipnicki situation...

 
At 2:37 PM, Blogger MDS said...

Yeah, Jonathan Lipnicki. Loved his work in The L.A. Riot Spectacular.

 
At 2:51 PM, Blogger Don Fiedler said...

Sometimes I spell "Jerry" with a G, and an I.

Old and Fast. No doubt. It's cause the classic early 70s Jerry guitar sound is absolutely popping.

Bum bum bop, bop bop ba du da lop

 
At 2:57 PM, Anonymous SpanishMiguel said...

Ace,

Maybe he was in the last throes of puberty. As Rumsfeld poignantly states, ¨The last throes can last...well, the throes are, they can be very violent right at the end, the throes tend to go on for years...¨

Maybe this was just a violent insurgency of an acne driven to desperation and on the brink of disappearance.

Then again, that pimple face has probably tried everything already -Clearisil, Clean and Clear, Oxy, Zima. Perhaps he´s visited a PimplePopper M.D. Still, I wouldn´t touch pepperoni face with a ten-inch hard salami. Not even if he was Jewish.

 
At 3:23 PM, Blogger Gypsy Rose said...

I'm back with yet another delayed reaction. I have to start looking up spellings.

Anyway, Ace is horribly disfigured and still won't go out with sideburns girl. Okay fine.

My question is this . . . If sideburns girl goes on Extreme Makeover becomes a 10 and then will only date Ace if he makes no less than a quarter of a million a year, is she then a beyotch? I thought so.

 
At 5:06 PM, Blogger John Howard said...

Suddenly I'm an old fuck. When did that happen?

Those girls on Extreme Makeover always look much better, but they still always look a little off.

 
At 5:49 PM, Blogger ahren said...

if ace makes a quarter mill/year, then former-ugly-extereme-makover-hottie is going to have some competition... from me... cuz i'd marry ace if i could be his trophy wife. i'd even wear a too-tight jets jersey on sundays to show off my melons, if it made him happy -- trophy wife, noblest occupation on the planet.

 
At 6:22 PM, Blogger Gypsy Rose said...

Gaa haa. That's funny. It is good work if you can get it.

 
At 8:56 AM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

I have often said I'd LOVE to be a trophy husband...in the olden days men actually wanted their women to stay home while they worked all day?! What an awful way to live.

Something about the word "melons" made me chuckle out loud there.

 
At 11:23 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your a fucking tool lalane

 

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