Friday, November 04, 2005

C of C Crack Coercion

In what can only be described as the most ludicrous story of the day, two College of Charleston tennis players are alleging a crack cocaine addict forced them to smoke the rock at knife-point.

But like the defense's case in My Cousin Vinny, their story doesn't exactly hold water. Read the whole article, but let's pretend we're the Ron Jaworski of drugs and break some of this down:

Like many college stories, the Saturday night of the abduction began with the students consuming large amounts of alcohol, with an estimated 30 alcoholic beverages for Moldehnke, and 20 for Roberts.

Because most college stories I know involve college athletes -- one, a female -- drinking a combined 50 beverages in one evening. Unless these guys are on the offensive or defense lines of the football team, I'm not entirely sure how they were still standing. Yeah, there's no real sign of any predispostion to drug addiction here, just a mere 20/30 beers on an off-night.

Drunken and tired, the couple found themselves locked out of Roberts’ Lexus in a parking lot off of Meeting Street.

Wait, after 20 or 30 drinks, one of these two was planning to operate a moving vehicle? More importantly, with a combined 50 beverages, how the fuck did they even find the car? And how's this kid driving a Lexus? Was it fully loaded and provided by Happy or one of the other Friends of the Program?

The aggressor, a lonely criminal, demanded only their company. The students stayed with him from 2 a.m. to 6 a.m., spending most of the time in front of a white house on Mary Street. It was there that the man allegedly forced them to smoke crack.

Sure, all the addicts I know or have heard of are famous for hanging out with drunken students for four hours before spreading the wealth of their stash, not hoarding everything they have for later abuse. Also, how did they not pass out after an hour or two following such a long night of binge-drinking? Unless they were pounding Red Bull and Vodka all night, I feel like they'd be eyes shut and snoring with their hands in their pants after just 20 minutes with the "lonely criminal."

When daylight rolled around, Roberts remembered that she stored an extra key for her Lexus at her apartment, so the students left their abductor, retrieved the key and drove to Moldehnke’s apartment on Burns Lane.

So one of these two realized there was a second key while drunk off their ass and high on crack, left their abductor and drove to one of their apartments? Unless they're George Clinton and Kate Moss, I'm starting to smell a hoax here.

The next morning, Oct. 23, the students began worrying about being submitted to a random drug test, and decided to call the women’s tennis coach, Angelo Anastopoulo, which initiated a chain of phone calls.

Here it is, folks, the smoking gun (no pun intended). "Whoooa, we have a random drug test coming up, we're high on crack and drunk off our ass. Any chance Coach will believe us if we say there was an abduction?" Sounds fucking foolproof.

While waiting for the coach the morning after the alleged event, Roberts took a walk down King Street and allegedly bumped into the perpetrator and was forced to smoke crack cocaine again.

This is where the story goes from hyper-speed to ludicrous speed. The 19-year-old chick went walking the next morning, ran into the abductor and was forced to smoke crack again?! This is about as believable as George Costanza speaking at a men's conference.

Roberts has left the College and returned to her hometown of Peachtree, Ga. She is reportedly enrolled in a 30-day rehabilitative clinic for undisclosed reasons. Her family refused to comment.

Game, set, match. Nobody is entering a rehab clinic because they were forced to smoke crack twice, right? And seriously, "undisclosed reasons"? I think those reasons are pretty clear: handjobs for crack. This lie is as insulting to our intelligence as the Runway Bride chick's. At least these two jokers didn't say the adbuctor was Hispanic.

To sum up: If you're gonna smoke some crack, do it right after your last random drug test. Then there's little chance you'll wind up in the papers and making a fool of your families. Crack, it's delicious.

5 Comments:

At 1:53 PM, Blogger John Howard said...

Crack...is whack.

Anyway, I find this very plausible. After all, that guy made David do it on Six Feet Under, and that show was very realistic.

 
At 2:25 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Do you really think it's plausible, given that the chick basically went back to the guy, and that she's in rehab right now? Like Vince McMahon's theme song, "Nooo chance."

 
At 2:25 PM, Anonymous Ryan said...

How did you first hear about this story?

 
At 5:04 PM, Blogger John Howard said...

No, I didn't really think it was plausible in any way at all.

 
At 2:34 PM, Anonymous Scotty Greene said...

Oh, yeah, I ran into the same guy out in Vegas last week and he forced me to take mushrooms during the festival.

C'mon now!!

 

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