Thursday, November 17, 2005

He Cuts Like a Welshman

Ever since this blog's inception I've dedicated myself to the pursuit and celebration of the profoundly ironic, the questionably strange, the downright eerie and the dubious realm of the absurd.

If the Internets have proven beneficial to mankind in just one key way (besides, of course, cheap cigarettes, underage porn, online shopping, clandestine sexual rendezvous, et al.), it's definitely been in opening the window to the world's soul. No, that's way too generous. It's been in opening the door to the world's laundry room, where everything's as dirty as Don Henley describes, and unlocking that room's back closet, full o' skeletons.

They say it takes a village, but all it really takes is one good-humored reporter at the Podunk Bugle-Ledger to write a human-interest story about a local incident, and the rest of the village'll find out about it right quick. Before you know it, a girl in Bismarck reads about a girl in Pakistan whose husband scalded her face with acid in a jealous rage, people all over these United States closely monitor the many arrests of Kentucky's best drunk, and a stoned Canadian teenager reads about the Ukranian couple that responded to each other's personal ads on the very night he actually listens to the words of "that Pina Colada song" for the first time.

There are hundreds of sites that cull the world's offbeat news and deliver it to your screen, all so you can point and laugh from thousands of miles away. How do you say "Ha heh" in Mongolian? The point is, if you do something really stupid these days, it's not just a local headache for the perpetrator anymore. You're dancing on the global stage now, Sapphire.

It's through this lens I offer you the latest installment of "Greatest Story Ever Told." I read this story and knew it had to be posted, but I wasn't quite sure how to handle it. I didn't want to ruin it by excerpting some key sentences, although it's always blog-wise to tease a story well before directing traffic away from the site.

So instead I'll say this: Every line in this article will elicit a more audible gasp than the last, every sentence will shorten the distance between your jaw and the floor and every quotation will leave you more thankful than ever you're not quite this stupid.

If this story were made into a slapstick comedy, the last line "I can't have kids now but still want a family - maybe I'll adopt" would surely make the old WASPy lady fanning herself in a floral dress faint into her moustachioed husband's arms. Also, feel free to note this article has the words "Breaking News" on it.

Why I cut my tackle: rugby fan...And, please, don't skip a word.

Slack Song of the Day: Last week I posted the wicked foursome from the Bonnaroo Superjam in 2003. Today, let's go for 2004's Superjam, if only because it features one of my favorites, Mr. Maceo Parker. If you're not familiar with the funky saxamophonist, go out and buy Life on Planet Groove, one of the true masterpieces of live music.

Maceo joined a bunch of fellas on stage (including Stanton Moore, Geroge Porter, Eric Krasno, Adam Deitch...) at the 2004 Superjam, and among others, played one of my most listened to tracks in college: Shake Everything You Got. Ohhh, it's lovely. If you'd like to listen to the rest of this beauty, you can do so here.

Slack Google Search of the Year: "I hate Trey after Vegoose"

14 Comments:

At 9:38 AM, Blogger offpeak34 said...

at first i couldn't decide whether to laugh or wince in pain at the thought, but then, in the middle of class, i couldn't help but laugh out loud...if only my teacher knew what i was laughing at.

 
At 10:03 AM, Blogger Russell Kahn said...

I've said it before and I'll say it again... anyone who DOESN'T think about cutting off their man-sacs after seeing their favorite team win either isn't a real man or isn't a real fan.

At least this guy had the, uh, balls to go through with it.

 
At 10:09 AM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

This sotry is all about wincing and laughing...but I think laughter wins out. The way the story is written, and the way his quotes come acroos, it's almost like a fictional account, like Guy Ritchie is gonna make it into a movie.

Russ, after the Yanks win the Series next year, I expect to see your testicles. Wait, no, I meant...shit.

 
At 10:24 AM, Blogger Matty Mac said...

Pass the Peas.....applies a few ways to this post. Best Maceo song off that album, in my opinion at least.

 
At 10:41 AM, Blogger Russell Kahn said...

Don't you mean Marco's testes?

Can you imagine the response at the bar when neutered dude walks in with a ziplock bag with his balls?

Talk about a vibe-killer.

 
At 12:06 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Pass the Peas, one of the greatest songs ever written. The back-to-backer of Pass the Peas and Shake Everything makes that album a MUST OWN.

I've seen Maceo three times, and while they were mostly the same exact show, it's an experience every time. Donnie once slapped an inflatable beach ball into Fred Wesley's face. Hoobs and I met his rapping son, Mr. Corey Parker, E.L.O.S. (aka C.R.A.P.).

Man, that band can play.

 
At 12:34 PM, Anonymous Chefra said...

The picture in my mind of Fred Wesley taking one in the face with beach ball makes me laugh harder than the dude scissoring his sack.

 
At 1:07 PM, Blogger Matty Mac said...

The Mansacs.

Cool band name.

 
At 2:29 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Chefra, it was classic...we were on the rail for the show, and Fred hit the ball out to the crowd, Donnie grabbed it and hit it right back at Fred, and it just nailed him.

Fred smiled and played it off very well...he was smokin' fire and we were too busy dancin' our faces off to rumble with the JBs.

Little known fact, the Mansacs broke up, and their lead singer started the Castrated Mansacs.

 
At 3:22 PM, Anonymous Chefra said...

Still laughing at the thought.

 
At 4:42 PM, Blogger Alex Fritz said...

That dude is only Kentucky's most famous exploit because this guy (http://jail.lfucg.com/services/offenders/offenderdetails/default.asp?inmateid=7396&inmateimage=R158023.JPG) died last year after setting himself on fire outside of Rupp Arena.

 
At 4:58 PM, Blogger Matty Mac said...

I can't decide which picture of that guy is better: 8 or 10? Image 10 looks like he and his wookie buddies just woke up from Coventry.

 
At 8:39 PM, Blogger The Brewer Patriot said...

i have also seen Maceo three times. Each show is truly pretty much the same, but each one fun. We also got to meet his kid, while nice, he is a terrible rapper and while "Life on Planet Groove" is awesome, "Dial Maceo" is terrible. But the Shake Everything You Got opening is absolutely amazing - from the intro bass lines - through the drum break, maceo's solo...so nice.

 
At 6:26 PM, Blogger Neil Shakespeare said...

Geez, I hope they don't let that guy adopt. "Kids, would you like to hear the story about the time I cut out my testicles with a dully, rusty wire cutter?" "Oh, please, Grandpa! Please!

 

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