Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Just a Few Links

Still recovering from Monday night's Hilarious Halloween Hijinx, so this morning you're just getting some links from me. And like Spaulding Smails, you'll like 'em (I think that's my default links intro, easily the third or fourth time I've used it):

1. You may remember Scooter Libby as the Republican asshat that special prosecutor (and mid-90s Northwestern linebacker) Pat Fitzgerald indicted on five counts last week. But none of you probably remember this uber-conservative as the author of a 1996 book called The Apprentice, which contains the following passage about bestiality and child prostitution:

"At age ten the madam put the child in a cage with a bear trained to couple with young girls so the girls would be frigid and not fall in love with their patrons. They fed her through the bars and aroused the bear with a stick when it seemed to lose interest."

Our friend Shakespeare's Sister has the best take on the rest of this tale, a story full of homoeroticism, incest and a slew of other scatological terms. God bless The New Yorker for digging this up. Oh, and if you're curious, you can buy a copy for $1.99 on Amazon.

2. A friend of mine asked me why I didn't write anything about Cashman doppelganger Theo Epstein leaving the Red Sawx. The answer is simple: I'm not entirely qualified to speak on the subject, but even if I were, you know the Sports Guy is going to write a 10,000-word opus on the subject, and that's something you shouldn't try to compete against.

And I was right, he sure did. Not only did he write a long piece, he even Adaptationed it up and put himself right in the middle of story. Still, this is a really good read...

3. The other day I linked to "the silliest headline ever" on ESPN: "Dick to replace Johnson vs. Gamecocks." But around the blogosphere and the rest of the Internets, people picked up on this headline and giggled like schoolgirls, much like I did, and much like you did.

One day later, the folks at ESPN changed it to this: "Untested freshman gets nod vs. Gamecocks." Booooo. Not nearly as good, fellas. Shame on the worldwide leader.

I would have gone the other way with it -- "Virgin Dick grabs balls from limp Johnson vs. hardened Gamecocks." I win.

4. Whoooa, way to go Denver. The Mile High City, an apt nickname as you'll see, voted to legalize the possession of up to an ounce of marijuana for adults over 21. Finally, a city's drug laws make sense! I don't even know what to make of this...

5. Memo to Yahoo Sports -- before publishing photos like the one below, you might want to consider checking the Urban Dictionary or getting someone younger on your staff who knows what this stuff means. I mean, the picture on the poster wasn't a clue?!

Slack Anniversary of the Day: On this day seven years ago, the popular rock band Phish took the stage in a virtually empty arena in West Valley, Utah and suprised the patchouli-stinkin' crowd with a full rendition of Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon album. The best part of this show? Even without the hour-long cover, this concert would have been spectacular! The Tube > Tube jam > Drowned is simply off the charts. If you've got a copy of this beauty, throw it in today. If not, I can't help you out. As they say in Canada, "Sooory."

Slack Song of the Day: The Year of Our Lord 2005 has been good for my budding relationship with Bruce Hornsby. We talk on the phone, we go for long walks on the beach, I write my posts while he tickles the ivories. Well, not that kind of relationship, I guess, but I haven't gone a week this year without throwing in some Bruce and marveling at the brilliance and ease with which he plays his grand piano. This man is a true virtuoso, a comedian, a genius...THE MAN.

So here's some free Bruce from his 10-night run at Yoshi's in Oakland back in November 1998 -- if you're strapped for time, just listen to The Way It Is...that might be the best version of all-time, just a sickening display of musicianship (including a great solo from Steve Kimock):

The Way It Is*
Man Smart Woman Smarter
Tennessee Jed**
Rainbow's Cadillac**

*w/ Steve Kimock
**w/ Steve Kimock and Phil Lesh


At 12:11 PM, Blogger MDS said...

The Denver thing is nice symbolism -- the latest Gallup poll showed 36 percent of Americans want to legalize marijuana, yet zero of 435 members of Congress support legalization -- but it's ultimately meaningless, since anyone caught with pot in Denver will now be prosecuted under state law. And even if the whole state legalized it, people caught with pot would be prosecuted under federal law. So unless federal drug laws change, all these state and local measures are just window dressing.

I'm guessing, Ace, that even within the hip readership of this blog there are some who don't get the whole Georgia-Florida sign, so you might want to read this. Note: If you, like me, get angry when you read about the fascism of high school administrators, this story will make you angry, although it does have a happy ending. I'm a former high school teacher, so I'm well aware of the need for discipline in schools, but if a bunch of kids making a silly gesture in a school photo were anywhere close to the worst thing that happened to me, I'd still be a high school teacher. Threatening to deny a diploma for something like that is absurd.

At 12:31 PM, Blogger PaulNoonan said...

While the Denver law is largely window dressing, it's not completely window dressing. The reason is that it is no longer expressly the job of Denver's finest to enforce the law, and the onus is instead on the state trooper (maybe county sheriffs too). While they still can bust you for having pot under state/federal law, typically city PDs assign their officers to concentrate on specific things, be it gang squads or traffic concerns, and tend to ignore other laws unless they happen to see it right in front of their faces.

To be clear, it's still risky, and there is no assurance that Denver cops will ignore the superseding laws, but they do have discretion that they did not have before.

At 12:36 PM, Blogger ethan said...

funny article mds - funny pictures too. i like how in the last one the girl on the left isn't even doing the shocker right.

At 12:57 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Is it me, or is that a really well-written article about the shocker?! I feel like the articles I read about the War in Iraq and Congressinal shit are written by 12-year-olds and the frivolity is captured by genius. No wonder journalism is in the toilet, all the good writers don't wanna be serious (I agree, serious writing is for the birds).

And E-Train, good point about the chick in the bottom pic, I noticed that too. And why would chicks be giving the shocker in photos? Those must be cool chicks.

As for the Denver thing -- I'm with you Noonan, I think this will actually be more effective in changing policy than MDS leads on. I won't say you're wrong, as I'm sure you're right and DAs might still be dicks, but this brings it down on the enforcement agenda.

Also, I'm all for symbolism. Shit, i'm watching the Roas Parks funeral right wanna talk about powerful symbols. The chick refused to get up, got arrested, they put a face to the name and the civil rights movement advanced exponentially.

Look, I won't say pot and civil rights are equal here, but symbols can be a powerful catalyst. Way to go Denver...

At 1:10 PM, Blogger Gypsy Rose said...

"The shocker" is a symbol for digital sodomy? Who knew? I knew that it sort of stood for FU. I never suspected it stood for FU up the ass.

Speaking of FU, I love that Rosa Parks is famous (in a positive way) for resisting authority and convention. Cause, when I fight authority, authority always wins.

(Or as my friend Kenny misheard the famous John Cougar song, "When I bite the doggie, the doggie always wins.")

At 2:24 PM, Blogger MDS said...

A more effective ballot initiative than what they did in Denver would be following the lead of some other cities that have told the local Police Department to make marijuana the lowest possible priority. But as this article makes clear, "even if voters approved the change, state laws against marijuana use still would be applicable and Denver police still would enforce those laws, Assistant City Attorney David Broadwell said."

At 2:50 PM, Blogger The Letter D said...

Still the best headline of the year was on Yahoo after Charlie and The Chocolate Factory opeined as the #1 movie -

"Depp's Chocolate Factory Has Tasty Opening"

They changed that one shortly after.

At 2:58 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

D, that's fucking great. As someone who has both experience writing headlines and someone who knows how the process works, I gotta think these headlines are generated by people as jokes, it gets late, they can't decide on a perfect one and they just go with the joke, hoping nobody gets loud about the double entendres. Maybe not. But it's possible.

John Cougar Mellencamp references are always welcome, Gypsy. That's a pretty ridiculous misheard lyric, but I've heard and said much worse. First time I heard You Shook Me All Night Long I thought they were singing "She wants a fax machine..." Not correct.

MDS, I hear ya, I think you're right, but I still think it's a big day. Don't be my Handstandian wet blanket today.

At 3:48 PM, Blogger Gypsy Rose said...

Don't be silly, Ace. Everyone knows the lyric is, "you left your headlights on." Ah-duh!

At 4:34 PM, Blogger MDS said...

For unintentionally hilarious headlines, I'm partial to McNair's sack pain lingers.


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