Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Pity My Foolish Driving

Turn left here, foo. Now drink your milk and turn left in .2 miles. I ain't making no right turn, Hannibal, so you better do it at this stop sign here, foo. Stay in school, make a slight left. I pity the fool that don't know he's arrived at his destination.

Tired of that generic chickvoice that gives you the GPS driving directions to your inputted destination? Well, be annoyed no more, the world's celebrities are here to help.

Mr. T, Burt "Turd Ferguson" Reynolds and Dennis Hopper have all signed on to deliver their voices to guide you to where you're going. Even in our ridiculous society of glut and sloth, this has got to be one of the most unnecessary products out there.

But then again, if I got into a buddy's car and Dennis Hopper told us to "Take a right, maaaaan," I think I'd be impressed enough to give him a little bit of roadhead. Wait, what?

My only problem here is with Hopper and Reynolds themselves. Fellas, c'mooon, yer better than that. Do me a favor, look at your IMDB pages and tell me this is a good decision. Although, maybe this has more to do with their online checking accounts than their IMDB pages. I'm just thinking, if Mr. T is doing something, it might be a good indication this career opportunity is for washed-up actors.

But is this a case of art imitating life? In one episode of Family Guy, Peter plays around with the navigation device and turns on Yakov Smirnoff mode, and the quasi-comedian says, "In Soviet Russia, car drives you!" If it's a good idea on the teevee, it's a good idea in real life. Words to live by.

Other shit you can buy for no reason? Try this GPS device that helps you find the nearest toilet, called the iPoo. And if GPS isn't your game, if you're more into trinkets and tchochkies, maybe this custom-made bobblehead of the Trading Spouses God Warrior they promo-ed on Fox for about six weeks is right for you.

Slack Link of the Day: Whether you're a big fan or not, Family Guy has delivered two consecutive episodes of hilarity. This past Sunday featured maybe one of the more quotable Stewie lines in the show's history -- "Ooooh noooo, did that hit Craaazy Staaairs?!" -- but the best comedy came at the beginning of the show two weeks ago. If you haven't seen it, check it out right here: The Osama Outtakes.

Slack Song of the Day: Every day in the summer of 1999, from July through August, I'd wake up to a disc I stole from a friend called The Bluegrass Sessions, featuring a handful of kickass bluegrass pickers on some originals and old standards. So when I saw had a great recording from Strawberry Mountain Festival right after that summer, I dove right in to the waters.

So here's Bela Fleck, Sam Bush, Jerry Douglas, Mark Schatz, Brian Sutton, Gabe Witcheer pickin' on some tunes from 9/5/99 in Yosemite, CA: You can stream the whole show here, or play these carefully selected songs I've posted -- Ginseng Sullivan, C Medley, and Sailin' Shoes > Crossroads > Sailin' Shoes.

Bluegrass is really hit or miss, but I think you'll enjoy these.


At 11:28 AM, Blogger The Bourbon Samurai said...

Ginseng Sullivan is a great song-I did a show in Scotland that had a bluegrass band attatched. Scottish people love bluegrass apparently, and those guys'd take their instruments to pubs and get free drinks if they'd play. I carried a guitar case and called myself a roadie and ganked free booze.

At 12:23 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

I'm only partial to it because The Phish covered it a fair amount, one of their go-to bluegrass covers in Summer 93, Fall 96, much of 97 and a little bit in 98 and 99. Great tune. I love a real bluegrass version, but here's the popular rock band's take form 6/30/00:

Ginseng Sullivan

At 3:38 PM, Blogger dhodge said...

Speaking of Yakov Smirnoff, if you haven't checked out his website lately, you owe it to yourself. Pick up some original artwork while you are there.

At 4:30 PM, Blogger MDS said...

Wow, Yakov Smirnoff certainly has fallen. From network TV to doing shows in Branson. Ouch. Interesting that he mentions that three presidents have invited him to the White House, and they were Reagan, Bush and Bush. Why no Clinton? I guess that draft-dodging pinko Commie didn't want to hear Yakov Smirnoff speak the truth about the Ruskies.

At 5:33 PM, Anonymous Rashid Muhammad said...

Dennis Hopper on GPS? I can hear it now:

"So what route did you want to take? Interstate?! Fuck Interstate!! Side streets mother fucker!!"


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