Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Reffing the Streets

Halloween fell on a Monday night this year -- not exactly the best day of the week to throw one of my sexy parties.

But since my apartment is only a stone's throw from the Village Halloween Parade route, we had to have it on the actual holiday (also because I was out of town this weekend, but let's not split hairlips here). So the turnout for our party was subpar to quite subpar, but that didn't stop us from getting shit-canned and enjoying one of the best nights in New York year after year.

The roommates and I dressed up in tandem as the Miller Lite referees, or if you haven't seen that ad campaign, just plain ol' referees. After all, it was a Monday night, someone had to make sure our patrons were abiding by the rules.

We called a handful of penalties inside the apartment while the party unfolded -- some of which were challenged with the circulating red flag -- but mostly I think we called a pretty fair party. When someone warranted a flag, they got flagged. Otherwise, we let them play. The refs aren't the stars here, the partygoers are...hey, this isn't the World Series or anything.

Since turnout was well below the 150-200 people previous Halloween parties have generated, I bounced back and forth from the apartment to the street. If you've never experienced a Halloween in the Village, you've really missed out on a helluva time. I don't mean that in a holier-than-thou New Yorker kind of way, I just mean you're not witnessing the greatest freak show known to man.

And it provided me with great material. Between the hours of 11:30 and 1:30, I stood drunkenly on what was probably America's busiest street and refereed all the passersby.

As with the party, I didn't call a penalty on every play, and I left the easy targets and intimidating minorities alone. A guy dressed as the Phantom of the Opera got an obvious "1986 just called" penalty; I threw the flag at a slutty chick with a referee's shirt for "Wearing my outfit except with tight Hooters shorts"; a dude in some sort of scary Scream mask walking with a hot candy-striper took home a "No way she should be going home with you" penalty.

One guy dressed as Green Eggs (standing next to Ham apparently) challenged the ruling on the field -- a "No idea what you are" foul -- and I reversed the call. Only time that happened all night. I even threw a flag at the 25 police officers on motorcycles passing by on Bleecker, calling a "Too many cops on bikes" penalty, which got a chuckle from the CHiPs patrol. Good thing I didn't drop the one-hitter in my pocket as I ran over to toss the flag at 'em.

My favorite exchange of the night came when a group of non-costumed folks passed me, two guys and a drunk girl. I flagged them for obvious reasons, and the lady took exception, jokingly of course. I issued her a 10-yard penalty, but then she turned back and cupped her left breast, yelling "Suck my tit, ref" directly at me. Classy.

I immediately threw my second flag, issuing her a personal foul for unwomanly conduct, and I yelled "You're ejected off Bleecker Street." She responded "I've got your Bleecker feet," to which I replied "Yes you do, you do have Bleecker feet, now get out of here before I fine your stank ass." Her male escorts were doubled over in laughter.

It was almost sad to go upstairs, though I had to get up early this morning, so I guess it was for the best. Two slices of pizza and a cupcake later, I hit the sack at about 2:30 and passed out immediately. Come to think of it, I should have thrown the flag on myself for such ridiculous late-night eating.

Two years ago I was Matthew Lesko, last year I went as fitness celebrity John Basedow. I never repeat a costume, but this was so fun, I'd honestly entertain the idea of doing this again next year. You really learn a lot about somebody after you throw a flag at them.

Top Three Costumes I saw last night: an NYU kid running around in an exact Tyrone Biggums outfit with crack all over his face, holding a Red Bull can and spouting out Tyrone-isms; a dead-on Steve Prefontaine (I mean, who dresses up as Pre? Classic!); and Lukas as an old timey Oregon Trail character, complete with the word dysentery on his outfit.

What else did you guys see? Any funny ones?


At 2:29 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

ekI don't know what the best costume was, but I can tell you the worst. What was that kid with the blue suit and red hat supposed to be? What the hell was that?

Maybe if I went and saw better movies than Ocean's Twelve or Saw, I'd have a clue. But for now, I'll just make fun of the asshole in the fake mustache.

At 2:36 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

I really don't have any clue what you're talking about...

Oh, I just remembered, someone came by as The Gates from Central Park. The funny thing is, nobody knew who he was until after he left the costume in our apt. A bit too obscure I guess.

At 2:56 PM, Blogger Jason Mulgrew said...

I thought it was a pretty good turnout: not too crowded or loud so that you could actually converse and drink, and not too empty that you had to talk to the losers from the party. Not that there were losers there, but you get it.

And Ace, thanks again for telling me that you guys were going to be the Miller Lite Refs AFTER I showed up at the party with a 12-er of...Bud Light. Because hearing that whistle and being flagged every time I opened a beer didn't get old at all.

At 6:17 PM, Blogger jakezebra said...

I saw four shitheads dressed as the Baldwin brothers. Apparently Stephen Baldwin likes to sleep in public for hours on end, at least that's what the one guy dressed as Stephen was doing.

At 6:19 PM, Blogger PaulNoonan said...

I didn't see a lot of creativity this year. Lot's of Napoleon Dynamites, Steve Czizou's (or however you spell it), the Dodgeball team, women as the "Slutty x, where x is a profession" costumes. Nothing blew me away last year.

I like the Refs for the proactive stances that it allows you to take. Very nice.

At 9:04 AM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

The Baldwins are a pretty good one, Zeebs...which one were you, Stephen? I can see you as a Stephen Baldwin.

My friends in DC went as the Channel 4 News Team...Burgundy, Champ, Brick and Fantana. I saw a pic yesterday and masturbated feverishly to it. Looked pretty funny.

Noonan, agreed, a lack of creativity in a big way this year. On my part as well...I went from Lesko/Basedow to a ref. But I wasn't too impressed, lotta old costumes. I mean, Austin Powers? What year is this?

At 9:21 AM, Anonymous handstand said...


At 10:27 AM, Blogger John Howard said...

Great costume, it adds a whole new level of interactive fun.

At 10:33 AM, Blogger Gypsy Rose said...

I was thinking the same thing. I like the whole interactive costume thing.

Nice picture too. I had actually forgotten that you don't look like Bob Weir giving the middle finger.

At 11:21 AM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Yeah, Handstand had a great costume, dfressed to the nines as Boss Hogg. That's good stuff.

Interactive fun is what it's all about...that kid dressed as Tyrone Biggums, he had the entire street practically pissing in their pants, running around and talking all cracked out. It was classic.

I am Bob Weir. I am Tiger Woods.

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