Thursday, November 03, 2005

That's Way Harsh, Ty

This debilitating work infection's been flaring up again, so it's time for a quick story dumpage...but I promise you'll find this to be satisfactory in my stead.

Actually, since the once-loyal Slack Community has been lacking in its comments posting lately, I should just beat youse all over the head with a rubber mallott and go to town on y'all with some pinking sheers and a case of Tabasaco. Ah, fuck it, here's the story:

Remind me never to end a relationship in whatever manner this guy decided to, because the results are simply disastrous: "Gail O'Toole was convicted of simple assault and sentenced to six months probation for acts she committed against her ex-lover."

What despicable acts did she commit, you ask? If you're a dude, I'm not sure you even really wanna know: "Slaby said O'Toole waited until he fell asleep and glued his penis to his stomach, glued his testicle to his leg and glued the cheeks of his buttocks together."

Ken Slaby -- a cautionary tale. We feel for you, Ken. We feel for your bruised ego, we feel for your sense of manhood, we feel for your glued ball. We just feel for you. Seriously, women be crazy.

Slack Housekeeping: You may notice the right-hand toolbar has some new links in it, and it's also slightly re-designed. I'd recommend you take some and poke around those sites -- there's some good stuff all over the Internets. Check it >>>>

Slack Song of the Day (also seen on the LMB): I just found this show on, a real treat considering I had no clue this recording was online anywhere.

What do youse get when you cross legendary gibberish speaker and Blossom theme singer Dr. John on the grand piano and Hammond B3 with Phish bassist Mike Gordon, criminally underrated drummer Stanton Moore from Galactic and awesome slide guitarist Luther "Don't Call Me Bruce" Dickinson from the North Mississippi All-Stars? The answer: A fucking kickass Bonnaroo 2003 Superjam.

The entire show is sponge-worthy, and I strenuously recommend you stream the whole thing here. (I strenuously recommend? Is that how it works? Recommendation. Overruled. No, no, no, no, I strenuously recommend. Oh, well if you strenuously recommend, let me take a moment to reconsider.) Sorry, I seem to quote A Few Good Men every day. It happens.

But if you're lookin' for some select tunes, I'll throw out some old standbys like Iko Iko, Right Place Wrong Time, Big Chief and You Better Change Your Ways (with a Special Sauce-less G. Love).


At 11:18 AM, Blogger MDS said...

Women be shopping, too.

Re Ken Slaby: I'm always interested in how the media decide when to identify sexual assault victims and when not to. I'm guessing that if a man glues shut a woman's vagina, the media don't disseminate the woman's name.

At 11:22 AM, Blogger dhodge said...

MDS, you cain't stop a woman from shoppin!!

Anyway, does anyone else think that Ms. O'Toole was inspired by Elois of Reservoir Dogs fame?

At 11:27 AM, Blogger MDS said...

I was thinking the same thing, dhodge. Every guy who's ever met her has jacked off to her at least once.

At 11:34 AM, Blogger Gypsy Rose said...

Well, like I know that when I glued my husband's ball sac, the media just referred to me as "the psycho bitch in question."

Turns out I accidentally used Elmer's glue so it was really just a big mess. No harm no foul.

Now stop pickin on the girls or I'll execute every f*ckin one of ya. What? Guys don't beat off to her too?

At 11:40 AM, Blogger PaulNoonan said...

Or the Breakfast Club, but that seems less likely. Who would emulate Emilio Estevez?

I'm tempted to make a joke about paste eating, but I think I'll skip it. Glue sniffing maybe, but not paste eating.

At 11:46 AM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Dynamite reference, MDS. Women be shopping is one of my favorite movie lines ever, for no reason whatsoever. Ahhhh, pre-famous Chappelle. Who is suckin whose titties over hee-ah?

Re: paste-eating -- well, the article did say her defense was based around the kinky sex angle. Maybe she was indeed a pasty cockeater, but it's just a case of he said-she said-it's stuck.

So the question now is, what's worse, blue balls or glue balls?

Something tells me he didn't say, "I love you, Honeybunny" before drifting off to sleep.

At 12:03 PM, Blogger ethan said...

i don't see how everyone is overlooking a very key point:

how the fuck do you sleep through your girlfriend touching your cack while asleep? she's obviously minding the step children too and you're just snoring? terrible.

what's even worse, is that then she's working around the rectal area and you're STILL oblivious? geez, don't you think that'd really wake you up in the morning?

At 12:28 PM, Blogger ethan said...

also, what's with all the gluing going on?

At 12:42 PM, Blogger PaulNoonan said...

Too many horses.

At 12:50 PM, Blogger Gypsy Rose said...

Well, like I know that when I got glued to the toilet bowl it was because I confused super glue tube with the KY tube. So there was really nobody to sue.

Where is my head today?

At 12:54 PM, Blogger MDS said...

What kind of jackass sits down on a public toilet seat without noticing that there's enough glue on it to stick him to it?

Now that I live in Chicago, I think the thing I miss most about California is the state law that every public restroom had to have dispensers of that wax paper that you can put on the toilet seat so you don't get the cooties of the person who was there before you. I'm sure Noonan will get on my case for this, but I'm all for big government when it comes to protecting me from putting my butt cheeks where another man's butt cheeks were just resting.

At 1:53 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Too many that's funny. "I'm Bob Barker saying, help control the horse population, glue you husband's cack to his stomach. G'night!"

Gypsy, you're clearly going stir crazy babysitting this little fucker. Get out more.

At 2:29 PM, Blogger PaulNoonan said...

Gypsy, if you only got stuck to the toilet you should consider yourself lucky.

MDS, they have that law in Cali? I blame the overly powerful wax paper lobby. Theoretically I suppose that I should object to "public" bathrooms, but even I don't go that far.

I don't get to Cali very much, but in my experience, the streets serve as a public toilet for a lot of people (mostly homeless, a few weirdos). Perhaps the costs imposed on Cali restroom proprietors by this law have created a shortage of restrooms resulting in more street feces.

I don't really care about the anti-cootie shield law, but MDS, you're a science guy. Surely you've read all of those reports that show public toilet seats to be cleaner than the average doorknob. And if there's anything more serious on that seat usually you can see it, and a little piece of wax paper isn't going to cut it.

In closing, when I see one of those dispensers, after I've finished my business, but before I wash my hands, I rub my hands all over the paper rim covers inside.

At 2:53 PM, Blogger Matty Mac said...

"It could be worse. A woman could cut off your penis while you're sleeping and toss it out the window of a moving car."


At 2:56 PM, Blogger Gypsy Rose said...

Tru dat, Paully Noonan. I always tell my husband that I'm stuck on him. But it's probably better if that remains, you know, figurative.

At 3:11 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Fight Club? I feel like I see Tyler Durden saying that.

At 3:12 PM, Blogger Matty Mac said...

You are correct sir. I started taking Krav Maga a few weeks ago with some friends, and for some reason it's caused us to talk in Fight Club quotes endlessly. Pretty annoying, to tell you the truth.

At 3:26 PM, Blogger MDS said...

Good point, Noonan, about the relative cleanliness of doorknobs and toilet seats. Toilet seats are actually among the safest surfaces in a bathroom because people avoid touching them with their hands, and it's the hands that have most of the germs. In fact, I've never understood why we wash our hands after urinating. The genitals are much cleaner than the hands.

I try not to touch public doorknobs, either. I never used to be such a germ-o-phobe, but lately I've gotten that way. I'm glad I don't have a co-worker who rubs my stapler in her armpit and rubs my keyboard on her butt.

At 3:27 PM, Blogger offpeak34 said...

great pick with that superjam ace...i was standing first row in front of gordon for that. the slip played in that tent (don't know if it was that which or what tent, but i mean the tent it was in) for the slip right before the superjam. during the slip people were talking about how gordon was going to be in the superjam so i figured it would be smart to get right up front. it was amazing! i didn't realize it was online, thanks for bringing it to my attention!

At 3:29 PM, Blogger PaulNoonan said...

I am Jack's glued testicles.

And I make radish rosettes in the shower.

At 6:03 PM, Blogger Gypsy Rose said...

Funny you should mention that MDS. Cause like I know that when I used to work with Ace Cowboy I would rub his stapler in my armpit and rub his keyboard on my butt whenever he wasn't looking.

Or when he was. You know. Depending.

At 6:49 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

That's just wrong, Gypsy. You've been wrong all day. This chick is banned. I'm throwing yellow flags everywhere.

Offpeak, that's great stuff...I'd have loved to seen that show. Of course I could have, but Bonnaroo scares the hell out of me. Not really, but I've never once considered going down there. Not sure why.

P-Groove tonight?

At 9:24 AM, Blogger Gypsy Rose said...

Fine! But if inappropriate adhesive, lubricant and office supply humor is wrong, then I don't wanna be right.

Actually, I think I did cross the "if my husband saw this, I'd be in trouble" line. Which after 10 years together, is almost impossible to do.


Post a Comment

<< Home