Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Uh Uh, No Fair

Imagine, if you would, the many men in their mid-20s who have molested 14-year-old girls and been rightfully sent to prison.

(Okay, that's my bad there. See, I should have warned you this post would immediately fly into some shit with which you might not be coo de lah. Sorry.)

Now that you know what you're getting yourself into, imagine you're a 24-year-old male. You're teaching in a high school with some obvious jailbait in slutty clothing running around, and one day, you lose all reasonable judgment skills and give in to the temptation of the proverbial cherry. Er, I mean, apple, proverbial apple.

Let's also stipulate that not only did you engage in some brief touchy touch and cheek-pecking with this pupil, you had lots or oral and penetrative sex with her in a car while her slightly older cousin chauffeured you around the city. Then you coninued to particpate in these acts, in the car again and even in school. This was not a one-time lapse, this was a repeat offense repeated.

The question I pose is this: Is there enough jail time the judge and/or jury could throw at this hideous offender? How outraged would the local community be if the perpetrator got anything less than 10-20 years in a federal fuck-me-in-the-ass penitentiary? Innocence lost, he must pay!

So how the fuck did that smokin' hot 24-year-old teacher from Ocala who banged the 14-year-old kid receive a sentence of house arrest and probation? Seriously, how is that possible? I'm all for hot, blonde teachers molesting our nation's youth, but can we at least get some national standards for both sexes here? Maybe something like hot teachers, both male and female, will be sentenced lightly, whereas if you're creepy you face a maximum lockdown.

Take one look at the boy's account of the incidents -- but don't do it at work, for there may be an overwhleming and intense urge to rub one out in the office bathroom. But look at this police report and replace the hot teacher with some hairy dude and the "cool, mature boy" with a "precious, little girl." Then assure me you're okay with this slap-in- the-face of a plea deal. Frankly, this is bullshiite.

I understand this isn't the opinion of most guys, and in truth, if this chick were my teacher back in the day she could have her way with me any day. Shit, she could do my whole crew of friends -- I wouldn't be jealous. But I have a good friend who did two years of house arrest in Florida for a personal stash of fucking coke (albeit a large one). This chick basically ruined this innocent kid's life, completely fucked up his idea of love, and she gets to sit home all day? Tell me how that's fair.

Also, show me where to sign up for this...stickin' it to high school girls and being able to sit on my couch all day and night for a few years without having to make up a good excuse like "I gotta get up early"? That sounds, um, pretty flippin' awesome.

Slack Link of the Afternoon: Homestar Runner's 4Tst Annual Float Parade. Homestar and the "SWE ATSHIRT float" really takes the cake.

Slack Better Link of the Afternoon: Is this really Kate Moss? Is this the most bizarre thing you've ever seen by a famous person? Cool beans. Gotta love the blow. (Not necessarily work safe, though not the end of the world if the boss sees it).

Slack Song of the Afternoon: Shortly after Jazz Fest 2004, I downloaded the Greyboy Allstars reunion set from the Saenger Theater. I'd been a big fan of their music for a few years but had seen them only once, and that was back in 1998. They'd since splintered off into Karl Denson's Tiny Universe, Robert Walter's 20th Congress and several other bands.

After I finished listening, though, I was floored. Why on Earth would these guys break up? This show is up there with any of the best live performances in the funk-jazz world I'd heard in quite some time. You can listen to the whole show right here, but I've picked out these two excellent tunes for your aural digestion: Jack Rabbit and Taxman.

If you can listen to Jack Rabbit all the way through and honestly tell me it's not one of the best live tunes you've ever heard, I don't even wanna be your friend. Seriously, you're off Slack forever. Done.


At 1:44 PM, Blogger offpeak34 said...

how did you get that clip of kate moss? that's hysterical!

At 2:23 PM, Blogger MDS said...

Has anyone done a study that shows how much differently men and women are treated in sentencing for the same crimes? I'm guessing there's a huge gulf in sex crimes, but it's probably also true that with crimes like battery, men get tougher sentences than women. I know people have studied the differences between typical setences for blacks and whites who commit the same crime, but I've never seen it with men and women.

At 2:40 PM, Blogger Kenny Alias said...

dude, that police report reads like a penthouse forum. it's pretty awesome. actually, that 14 year old kid is pretty awesome.

my only question is what the hell is a portable?

At 2:44 PM, Blogger offpeak34 said...

apparently under the rockefeller drug laws in ny, women receive a higher rate of felony convictions than men, but this may also have to do with the fact that there is a higher percentage of minority women charged under "the rock" than men. either way, the rockefeller drug laws suck.

as far as other crimes, i've got no clue, but this case in particular is outrageous. just look at what they're doing to gary glitter in vietnam...you think they'll play rock and roll 2 as they're preparing the firing squad to get the troops riled up? is that tasteless to say?

At 2:49 PM, Blogger The Bourbon Samurai said...

Thanks for posting those songs. We're jamming out here in the office on Jackrabbit.
Awesome track.

At 2:51 PM, Blogger ethan said...

i didn't read the report kenny, but florida schools that are over filled often use portables (which are more or less single/double wide trailers) as extra classrooms. they are not physically attached to the school and are usually put anywhere on campus there is room. i never had the fortune of teaching in one, but i've heard they are awful (not always air conditioned, etc).

At 2:52 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well, Ace, you told us to (relax,) don't do it (when you want to go to it), but I went ahead and read the kid's affidavit. Then I hid my boner as best I could with a fax cover sheet and scooted to the bathroom to rub one out. Jesus.
And Kenny, a portable is basically a trailer or mobile home that schools convert into makeshift classrooms when they've run out of space in the school. -EB

At 3:06 PM, Blogger Trix said...

Or, you could look at it this way...One of Bill Maher's "New Rules":

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

At 3:15 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Yes, that kid is awesome. There's no doubt about it. You can call him a lucky bastard, and like I said, I'd have love to have been that kid. Everyone would.

But to say there's no damage to the kid out of this stuff, well that's just naive and ridiculous. I actually love Bill Maher, but I think he'd even say he was just kidding.

Still, the double-standard here drives me crazy. And I would LOVE to see a study about the different sentences handed down to different genders -- I did a quick search and couldn't find anything.

Bourbon, my pleasure, listen to that whole show. It's fantastique.

At 3:58 PM, Blogger Trix said...

I'm sorry, it was in bad taste, wasn't it? It was meant to be a joke, but I don't think it came off that way.

Did a little research. Found plenty of sites regarding female sexual offenders, but nothing really involving sentencing double-standards. Argh.

At 4:16 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Trix, if you read this blog long enough, you'll see there is no such thing as bad taste. Shit, I have no problem joking about Eric Clapton's son being the fastest reader in the world -- 30 stories in 5 seconds.

Your point just flew in the face of what I was saying, so I dismissed it. That's always fun.

At 5:32 PM, Blogger Gypsy Rose said...

It doesn't look like the official government stats break out sex offenses, but across the board women do get lighter sentences. See link:


Either way, I think we should shoot first and ask questions later when it comes to sex offenders. Male or female.

At 5:38 PM, Blogger Gypsy Rose said...

ooops. try this link



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