Wednesday, December 14, 2005


In my first ever class as a college student, in September 1997, our twenty-something liberal professor declared George W. Bush would become the next President of the United States, well before anyone really even knew this monkey.

The 2000 election proved this professor to be a genuine sayer of sooth, and in the aftermath of his correctitude, I decided I wanted to predict something so unpredictable that people would remember me for it the way I remember him.

Of course, I couldn't congratulate this augur extraordinaire, as he committed suicide a year before the Supreme Court's final decision. I was never quite sure if he predicted his own demise as well as the Bush victory.

But here we are at the end of 2005, and we've got three years until the next presidential election. So what better oportunity to take a stab at prognostication then on the day Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney announces he won't seek re-election.

It's widely expected the Republican blue-stater will run for president in 2008, and it's not completely out of the realm of possibilities that he'll take the nomination. McCain? Too old and goiterful. Giuliani? Too lispy. Condoleezza? Too colored and penisless. In the same manner that Slick Willie took the Democratic nod in 1992, Mitt can easily ride his dark horse to the White House.

There's one flaw in this plan, and it's a huge flaw. Romney is, um, Mormon. And conventional wisdom tells us there ain't no way this country is electing a fucking Latter Day Saint to the highest office in the land. No matter how stellar of a job he did salvaging the Salt Lake Olympics or turning around Bain, no matter how much we really need a turnaround type of president after this fonzanoon, Romney's practically in a religious cult that even Evangelicals don't like.

I can see it happening, but it probably won't. There is one clear benefit to a Mormon candidate, though: The hysterical possibility of several First Ladies. That, I'd pay to see.


At 6:10 PM, Blogger Alex Fritz said...

Didnt you have a post about phish getting back together on here earlier?

Where the hell did it go?

I'm confused/

At 6:26 PM, Blogger Russell Kahn said...

You really think anyone from Massachusetts can win the presidency? Um, did you see what happened in 2004? How about Dukakis? It's a different country, my friend, one in which MA is a weird and strange place and gays get to marry.

My call is still McCain. I don't care if he is "old and goiterful." He's a war hero. He hates steroid use. And he kisses Bush's ass, despite the bullshit that was pulled on him in 2000.

Fuck, I'd probably vote for him. And I HATE republicans.

At 7:08 PM, Blogger tBiTs said...

Hey, cool blog you have here. Feel free to take a look at the one I have got going. Oh and BTW it fucking sucks how they are cancelling Arrested Development and had to cut short season 3 to do so. Thought I probably should have put that in the previous post eheh.

At 9:52 AM, Blogger Matty Mac said...

It is a weird and strange place, I agree. Having lived here for the majority of the 27 years I have been on this planet, I cannot disagree. I'm not sure what you mean about what happened in 2004 though, Rusty. Care to explain?

Dukakis was a joke, and Kitty loved the sauce. Even the Isopropyl kind.

At 12:51 PM, Blogger Russell Kahn said...

What happened in 2004?

A Massachusetts politician who seemed to be qualified for the presidency couldn't beat the unpopular idiot with a failed war and a recession on his hands.

America doesn't want a so-called liberal from Massachusetts running the show. Either that, or Diebold doesn't.

At 12:56 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Yeah, Al, I did post something and immediately take it down. Quick eyes you got! If you want to know what it was about, you can go here to Scotty B's blog and read all about it (he wrote a very similar post to mine, unbeknownst to either of us):

JEMP post

As for your comments, Russ, you're right about Mass. politicians. But he is a GOPer in a blue state, which could be good for him. He ain't no "liberal pansy-ass Mass. Democrat."

McCain lost ALL my respect after he let Bush walk all over him and then he stumped for him. I still applaud the guy, I love that he still says "gook" and gets away with it and he does good work on the legislative front. But I will NOT vote for him for president after he rolled over for this asshat of a president. Never.

At 8:42 PM, Blogger ahren said...

romney is the one politician from either of the "major" parties that i can actually almost stand.

i respect the way he ran around MA with a big machete chopping government programs in an environment very hostile to that sort of thing.

still wouldn't vote for him, given that if it were up to him, i'd be in jail.

At 12:04 PM, Blogger brickmyers said...

Sen. McCain wanted me to talk to him and the rest of dem' mofos about steroids. I'm way too fast for that. No juice here!


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