Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Greetings from the Couch

In a move that makes no sense for anybody, the Transit Workers Union walked off the job shortly after midnight, and seven million New Yorkers are struggling to get to work this morning.

Me? I'm working from home today, so I applaud the TWU Local 100 (in my pajamas). Strike forever for all I care. I wouldn't mind...that way I could tell people about the random semi-celebrity sighting on my last ever subway ride:

Most New Yorkers generally agree that the public system of subways and buses is about as easy and user-friendly as a major city's mass transit can be. We all love to gripe about our daily commute and denounce our everyday routines, but the fault (dear Brutus) lies in our general laziness, not in our municipal transportation.

There's one glaring exception to the industrial strength awesomeness of the MTA: overcrowded subway cars during rush hour.

Inevitably, if you're lucky enough not to be pushed out of the train as the doors close, you can either stand in a rigid pencil position and flop all over at any sharp jerk of the train, or you can reach over someone for a fingerful of the middle guide-pole and spoon the person closest to it, or you can grab the top metal bar and shove your junk into the face of someone seated in front of you, an unlucky soul whose mouth is now directly aligned to the package.

That last option ignited a little row betwixt an angry colored lady and me a few weeks back. She wanted no part of my balls on her chin, and she said so: "You better back up out of my shit, little man," she barked up at me. "Where would you like me to go, ma'am, I can't move right now," I responded in a polite but rather strained manner, as the dude behind me had either an umbrella or a few fingers lodged well into my clenched buttocks. "Just get out my business, I don't want no part of that. Ooo-eeee!" I did my best to comply with Mrs. Buttersworth and drifted away as space eventually cleared.

Yesterday's trip home didn't feature the most crowded car ever, but it was bad enough that someone did play the part of Ace's Subway Corksmoker. And the person sitting down with their face pressed in my junk? It was none other than the dude who played Rachel's dad on Friends, Dr. Green (no, no, not Elliott Gould, the other guy).

I tried to sneak an overhead camera phone shot, but I just couldn't do it without raising suspicion. But it wasn't just a guy who looked like Ron Liebman, it was totally him. The doctor from Garden State was my potential fantasy beejgiver today. Classic stuff.

So strike as long as you need to, TWU, I'm comfortable.

Slack Song of the Day
: If we can get there, Lukas and I are headed up to BB King's later tonight for our second attempt at attending a weird gathering known as a listening party.

Last time, we didn't buy tickets and got shut out of the Phish Island Tour box set party. We've never been shut out of a real show once, even the toughest tickets, but we couldn't get inside the fucking Canal Room to watch some vintage footage and hear unreleased cuts hand-picked by the band's archivist. Oh, the ridiculousness.

We missed out on a good night I've heard, so we're trying it again this evening -- only this time with pre-purchased ducats. In honor of this evening's nerdfest, I give you the show Rolling Stone called "one of the greatest concerts of the 90s": New Year's 1995 at Madison Square Garden.

Listen to the whole show if you can - it's a doozy. But if you must pick and choose, might I suggest the Punch You in the Eye opener, the legendary Reba, or the one that got away, my biggest statistical "never seen," Lizards.

If The Pheesh ain't your bag (hey, I respect that, misguided as that may be), I'll compromise and post something that circulates the web as Phish but really isn't. That cover you've heard on the Internets of Gin and Juice? It's great, and it's not Phish, it's Austin's The Gourds. Here's a seriously kickass version from 9/4/02.

(Also, I do in fact realize the amount of Slack copy concerning the hippie music around here lately, and if that's not your thing, I kindly ask you to skip over it and refrain from scoffing audibly enough for me to hear you. It's not going anywhere for the time being, so if it's not for you, please acclimate yourself and use the up and down arrows accordingly. Thanks, MGMT.)


At 10:06 AM, Anonymous Cory B. said...

this just makes me so happy i dont ride subways and have a car!

At 10:39 AM, Blogger ethan said...

that lady sounds like jones from CoD. oooo-eeee!

At 10:54 AM, Blogger Don Fiedler said...

so ace, you think you're gonna go tonight? i don't see any good way for me to ford the east river (i'm out of caulk) but arias and i were discussing it yesterday.

At 11:00 AM, Blogger offpeak34 said...

the strike sucks...finals now don't end til at earliest friday, and looks like i'm gonna have one on january 7th now...a short break gets shorter.

as for NYE 95, don't forget the drowned, it's amazing!

At 11:00 AM, Blogger PaulNoonan said...

They recently remodeled all of the Brown Line trains in Chicago to create maximum cock-in-face action, by taking out a bunch of seats and making most of the remaining seats face the inside of the car.

It's a conspiracy I tell you.

At 11:13 AM, Blogger Kenny Alias said...

I'm in on the listening party. I gots myself a ticket already too. I can take the PATH in cause they just shut up, eat shit, drive the trains.

Donny, I think if you get a cab to zone C its only 65 dollars.

At 11:18 AM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Donnie, I'm still 100% going tonight...obviously a lot easier for me than you, but I'm also suffering from cholera. Gonna be a good time, cool vids and audio await.

Maximum cock-in-face action -- there's a concept Slack has yet to explore.

At 3:01 PM, Blogger Trix said...

Paul Noonan - They're also re-doing a bunch of the busses to widen the seats...to accomodate all the fat asses here in Chicago. They're going from 17 inches to 18 inches wide. Hence, less seating and more, as you so eloquently put it, "maximum cock-in-face action."

At 3:04 PM, Blogger Don Fiedler said...

i'm out. i won't be able to get home. f' it.

At 3:27 PM, Blogger PaulNoonan said...

The conspiracy continues.

That's another good reason not to take the bus, like they need that.


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