Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Hey, That Hurts

A woman standing in front of me on the A train this morning may or may not have broken my right big toe.

The subway car wasn't particularly crowded, so there was really no need for her to stand so close to me (where's Sting when you need him?), nor was there any need for this woman to pick up her right boot and forcibly slam it down onto my poorly insulated foot, right on top of the big boy. She turned and she semi-smiled, didn't even consider an apology, and I walked off the train without saying a word.

Normally I don't advocate violence against women, nor do I engage in such a despicable activity. But a little known fact about me: I think a light beating for women and children is actually pretty funny (sometimes with a foreign object, too). I'll laugh, but I won't condone.

In this case, I nearly broke my own rule. Part of me just wanted to stomp down on her toe with all my might, not in retaliation for her action but for her lack of remorse.

I contemplated walking in front of her, standing their for a minute or two, lifting my right leg and jumping down on all her toes on one foot, ratcheting up the pain fivefold, giving her an escalatory five-for-one special. You go after the leader of my right hoof, all your puppers are goin' down. Like a newly elected Jed Bartlet, I don't believe in the proportional response.

Then I realized I'd miss my stop and be late to work, so I thought better of this ingenius retaliatory plan. But I hope somewhere, some time, this woman gets her foot caught in the elevator door and suffers some serious metatarsal damage. The lesson is, as always, be nice to strangers, apologize if you wrong them, and bad things won't visit your house.

Again, I don't agree with violence against women (though, again, I do enjoy it), but one of my original idols apparently does. Nature Boy Ric Flair and Mrs. Nature Boy are feuding worse than any of his fake enemies, and the divorce has landed him in some hot water.

In addition to having to pay a hefty IRS tax bill of $1 million, Flair has been accused by his wife of 22 years of "cruel behavior": The ex "says he slapped, kicked, choked, threw, bit and spit on her and pulled her hair" and exposed himself to friends and committed adultery.

C'mon, Mrs. Flair, that's the Na-chaa Boy, wooooo! If you wanna be the man, you gotta beat the man, wooooo! Like it or don't like it, learn to love it, 'cuz it's the best thing going today, wooooo! He's a kiss-stealing, wheeling-dealing, jet-flying, limosine-riding son of a gun, wooooo! This ain't no garden party, Ms. Falir, this is marriage, where only the strongest survive, wooooo!

What I'm trying to say is, Ric is probably right. He's the man. Leave him alone and take your sorry act elsewhere. Also, and this is another little known fact about me, but "Like it or don't like it, learn to love it, 'cuz it's the best thing going today, wooooo!" was my senior quote in the high school yearbook. I love that quotation.

Hey, it could be worse for the rassler's former wife, she could have crossed this guy's path instead of the Nature Boy's. Creepy.

Slack Song of the Day: Phil Lesh issued a nice big F-U to his Dead bandmates this week, releasing some soundboards for streaming from his latest tour. So here's a great Phil & Friends show from 11/22/05 in Newark, featuring this lineup: Phil on bass, Chris Robinson (vocals, guitar), Larry Campbell (guitar, mando, violin, etc), John Molo (drums), Mookie Siegel (keys) and Barry Sless (guitar+pedal steel).

I've always been a sucker for classics like Tennessee Jed and Sugaree, but there are some great covers in here as well.


At 11:00 AM, Blogger ethan said...

i have seen someone punched, slapped, kicked, thrown (that one is funny), bit and spit on, and have their hair pulled. but the one thing on flair's list that i have never seen is someone getting choked. is choking becoming a lost art? all i can picture is homer gagging bart. i feel like you have to a a real mean son of a bitch to choke someone seeing as it leads to death a lot quicker than any of those other attacks.

At 11:19 AM, Blogger MDS said...

That Smoking Gun link is disturbing. Most disturbing of all is this: "Kobin was convicted last year of talking a 13-year-old girl into drinking bleach." Last year? And he was out free and able to do it again? What is going on with our criminal justice system? If this sick fuck had had some coke in his pocket at the time he poisoned the girl, he'd be in prison. But instead he's able to roam free. Disgusting.

At 11:44 AM, Blogger ethan said...

cmon mds. we learned yesterday that prison is only for NON-violent offenders.

also, i find it hard to believe that with all the dead wrestlers ric flair is alive. are we sure that's not a robot or clone?

At 12:05 PM, Blogger Matty Mac said...

In the class I take, Krav Maga, choking is one of the first things you learn to defend against because sometimes it is the hardest, depending on the person choking you. However, it is also the easiest thing to use against someone if you know how to defend it. Choking is a lost art, guaranteed, and if you do it right, it doesn;t necessarily kill someone. The sleeperhold, a version of a choke and also called the figure four arm lock in many martial art disciplines, involves not cutting off the breathing passage, but cutting off the blood flow to the brain by compressing the carotid arteries in the neck. If done right, it would take no more than 8 seconds to make someone pass out. Kind of like that choking game kids these days are playing. My instructor demonstrated on me, and trust me, it's no joke. If done incorrectly, odds are you'll kill someone. There's a fine line.

My thoughts on that Kobin guy are that, yes, he's a sick fuck. But, who are these women who are being talked into drinking caustic, unknown substances? Are they that dumb?

At 1:39 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Ric Flair is going to live a looong time...if you look at his body type, I don't think he did one/one-hundredth of the steroids these other guys did. I'm genuinely surprised Hogan hasn't keeled over yet, though.

And seriously, if a guy wants to try and talk some bitches into drinking a caustic unknown substance, I say let him. If women can't decide on their own what to drink and what not to drink in an appropriate manner, they don't deserve a burn-free esophagus.

At 3:42 PM, Blogger ahren said...

"But, who are these women who are being talked into drinking caustic, unknown substances? Are they that dumb?"

those fusty clay-brained strumpets got what they deserve.

At 4:39 PM, Blogger Matty Mac said...

The Fusty Clay-Brained Strumpets"

sweet band name


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