Monday, December 12, 2005

I Need a Miracle

We'll be back with some non-sports-related scribblings later...but first, pop quiz, hotshots: Who is Zach Hilton?

a. The quiet little brother in the ubiquitous hotelier family, the only one who manages to stay above the Page Six fray.
b. A character on that hot new MTV reality show (or whatever the devil it is you kids watch on the newfangled picture box).
c. The child actor from Amazing Grace and Chuck, a underrated classic about a Montana little-league hurler who quits playing baseball and stops speaking in protest of nuclear proliferation and the colored hoops star played by Alex English who takes his cause national, featuring epic performances from Jamie Lee Curtis and the dude from CSI before he was famous (but not so famous that anyone actually cares to learn his name).
d. Three-time world Rock Papers Scissors champion.
e. The wholly unknown new starting Saints' tight end on whose shoulders rest my now longshot chances for a playoff victory in the quest for another fantasy football title.

If you answered (e.), you know I'm severely fucked tonight and grasping at already brittle straws. I need the 6'8-270 tight end -- making only his fifth NFL start -- to either catch two touchdowns or a haul in at least 80 yards and a touch. Either scenario would spell career highs for the third-year player from North Carolina.

Still, like Lloyd Christmas in Aspen, I think you're still telling me there's a chance. For some reason I see it happening; I'm actually envisioning a monster breakout performance from a guy only maybe 1,000 non-Saints fans in the nation can name.

Maybe it's because I deserve an inspiring performance. Maybe I deserve some good fortune after getting only 14 combined points from LT, Carson and Chad Johnson in the first round of the playoffs, about 38 points less than their combined weekly average. Maybe I derserve it for Byron Leftwich going down with two weeks to go in the season, for the Bengals D suckin' it up against a rookie quarterback, for my stupidity in not starting David "Deputy" Garrard.

So it'll be a tough night for Ace, rooting like crazy for an obscure tight end to score twice in an effort to save my under-achieving season. It's been a tough three seasons since Double Wing (Double Wing) won the FFL title in its expansion season, and it's going to be a more difficult off-season if all ends tonight. Keep the faith! Ya gotta believe! Don't give up! More cliches! More cliches!

Here's to you, Zach Hilton, go out there and help a nice man stay in the hunt for the title and the cash prize...

Slack Video of the Day: Just saw this posted online, thought it might cheer some people up on this cold Monday morning -- The Mahna Mahna Song from the Muppet Show. Try your best to watch this and not hum the tune all day...

Slack Link of the Day: My my, how the once-mighty have fallen. While the entertainment industry insists the weekened's biggest story was the death of Richard Pryor, there's much sadder news from the world of television and film.

Twelve years ago this guy was getting schooled in the ways of jungle fever in Da Bronx, today he's clinging to life in Yonkers after a shoot-out with an off-duty police officer. DeNiro tried to teach his fictional son to live an honest life, but Cologeno strayed from the path and found himself shooting an officer and taking a bullet in the process of a failed burglary. Truly lost in Yonkers. Effin' Cologeno, shoulda remembered that the working man is a sucker...

Slack Song of the Day: The title track from this post's headline, this one from 10/17/78 at the Winterland Arena. I sure do need that miracle tonight, Bobby, sing it.


At 10:55 AM, Blogger ethan said...

i was really hoping it was d. then he would have no problem going up against a sicilian when death was on the line.

At 10:59 AM, Blogger jakezebra said...

My father said the worst thing in the world is wasted talent; somehow he failed to mention that the second worst thing in the world is killing cops.

At 11:05 AM, Blogger Don Fiedler said...

How much would you pay to be the corrections officer who gets lock up "C" after he's convicted and say:

"Now youse can't leave."

At 11:11 AM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

I bet his cellmate asks, "Did you really kill that guy over a parking space?"

Remember, C, you're only allowed three great crack rocks in your life.

At 11:16 AM, Blogger hoobs said...

If I was the judge on the case for see, I think it would be hard to resist saying, "The jury has decided on a sentence to put you in the bathroom. May god have mercy on your soul."

At 3:10 PM, Blogger PaulNoonan said...

I was once saved in a semi-final fanatsy football game by Shawn Bryson in 2001 (or thereabouts). He hadn't started a game all year, and I was forced to play him due to an injury to Duce Staley. I was down big early and I though I was screwed.

He finished with 160 total yards and 2 TDs, and basically won the game for me.

So it can happen. Good luck.

Although I sort of hope you lose for gettign that song in my head.

Doo, doooo,

doo doo doo.

At 9:22 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

i have a friend who says that there were no muppets on Sesame St. Kermit was on it, he sure as shit was a muppet. i'm not friends with that person anymore.


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