Friday, December 09, 2005

Irrational Hatred & Three Videos

I always laugh when I find myself hating someone or something despite having no personal reason for doing so. We all do it, and we all do it often.

You know, like when women get catty whenever Nicole Richie or Mariah Carey come up, or how dudes say, "I fuckin' hate that guy" upon the mere mention of Karl Malone or Wilmer Valderrama. It's irrational, but it's also universal, which I guess makes it somewhat rational.

Of all the thousands and thousands of people I've met personally in my life, I don't really hate anyone, nor do I hold any grudges (with only a couple major exemptions). But if I ever saw Pedro Martinez on the street between the years 1997-2003, I'd challenge him to a knife fight and try to slice up his face like Inigo Montoya, then throw battery acid on the wounds and thrust my good knee into his tiny crotchal region.

But worse, if I saw someone so negligible as Sawx infielder Bill Mueller, I'd kinda want to do the same. Why? Strictly because he wears a shirt I don't like. I don't care for his uniform, so I wish harm on him, his children and his children's children. Unless of course he becomes a productive Yankee some day, in which case I might give him the the poison he just drank.

It's in this spirit that I deliver this "Ha ha, you suck, I hope you never get another job and fall down the stairs" telegram to exiting Colorado University football coach Gary Barnett.

There's nobody in college football I like less than Barnett, and as such, there's no team I root against harder than Colorado (and considering the pretty lady I'm seeing went to Boulder, I try to keep that under my breath). He bolted Northwestern after he promised his players he'd stay, leaving our school's program in temporary shambles in a wake of transfers and lost recruits. We went from being a small private school competing in the Big Ten to the same ol' laughingstock that lost 34 straight games in the early 80s.

Granted, the man built the program up from nothing and he deserves credit for that, but Barnett had the chance to depart for Notre Dame and other jobs, and he passed all that up. So we thought he was staying. The players, the school, the recruits, the community, everyone thought he was staying. And then he ditched us, leaving us there to sob like little girls with skinned knees.

The NU program is back on its feet under the strong tutelage of Randy Walker, but nobody I know who spent time in Evanston from 1997-2001 has any love for the two-faced rat bastard. And today, after being unexpectedly fired from his job in such a public forum, I laugh in his general direction.

Enjoy your $3 million settlement and...wait, what? This guy gets to walk away with three mil?! Fuck, this whole post just backfired. He's probably laughing at us, taking three million to the bank without having to work anymore. No, he's definitely laughing at us.

Now I hate him even more. Dick.

Non-porn videos
We're featuring a troika of funny videos here today, and all three either qualify as silly, funny or awesome.

--Mike Ditka wasn't finished making sweet videos after the Super Bowl Shuffle. No sir, he went on to star in this inexplicable and totally unacceptable '80s video about the Grabowskis.

Who the eff are the Grabowskis? After some thorough research, I found this little nugget of info: "Mike Ditka has described the Bears affectionately as his Grabowskis because the Bears reflect the work ethic, the attitude of a city and a people who aren't afraid to work hard to get ahead and achieve a part of the American Dream for themselves and their families."

Then there's also this piece: "In life, there are teams called Smith, and teams called Grabowski...We're Grabowskis!" No matter what it means, this video is a classic.

--Speaking of the Super Bowl Shuffle, I received this e-mail from MisterLister earlier today:

"Take a look at this beautiful, elegant video. Not sure if you’ve seen it before, but it got more than a few tee-hees out of me. I’d describe it as the 85 Bears Super Bowl Shuffle meets a bunch of Canadians with mullets and moustaches (and a great off-beat sense of humor). I’m sure you’ll also notice the great cameos by Brett Hull."

Lister and I bring you, the 1987 Calgary Flames Red Hot Video.

--A nice random e-mailer named Abe sent me this link today, a duo riding a Couchbike across the Canadian Maritime provinces.

On the second page of the chronicle, there's a great short video of Brent and Eivind's travels on a human-powered couch and also a full multi-page story of their couchbike adventure. I've perused, and I've approved. Good stuff.

Slack Song of the Day: Freshman year in college I met Donnie Fiedler, and one of the perks of our friendship was his fantastic taste in music. We'd sit in his room in the wee hours and listen to Sly, to Stevie, to Phish. But the only band I had never really listened to before his room that I still love to this day is The Band. There ain't no band in the history of music as underrated as these guys, no band at all. Had they not quit with The Last Waltz in 1976, I have no doubt we'd be talking about them in the same vein as the Grateful Dead.

And nothing makes me happier than to hear other bands tackle this legendary five-piece's repertoire, as rare as it is (I still have no idea why bands don't cover Chest Fever, and if you're a young artist looking for a cool song to play, look no further).

So when I heard these versions of Ophelia and Don't Do It (not an original tune by The Band, but this cover in in the style of their killer version) from Umphrey's McGee's New Year's show last year, I got all ansty in my pantsy and felt the need to post 'em here. They each feature a four-piece horn section, much like Rock of Ages, and they're both fantastic covers. The vocals aren't there, but if you can show me one band that can pull off Levon, Danko or Manuel I'd be shocked.

The old neighborhood just ain't the same, Nobody knows just what became of Ophelia, Tell me what went wrong...


At 12:54 PM, Blogger Trix said...

"You killed my father. Prepare to die."

At 12:56 PM, Blogger ethan said...

i vote for jackammer jorge as the mvp of the grawbowski's. you just can't go wrong with yellow suspenders over a sleeveless shirt.

also, what's with the hammer and sickle on the main page? i'm pretty sure the reds woulda killed ya for dancing like that in communist russia, and isn't grabowski a polish name anyway?

At 12:57 PM, Blogger MDS said...

Yeah, I hate Barnett, too, but I think both of us have a decent reason. You hate him because he lied about his intentions and left your school; I hate him because when he learned of allegations that one of his players raped another of his players, he responded by saying the accuser was a terrible player. But, seriously, is there anything more disgraceful about the NCAA than that fuck walking off with three mill? Next time you hear someone extolling the virtues of intercollegiate athletics, remind him of that.

I used to hate Karl Malone, but, again, I felt like I had a good reason, which was that cheap shot elbow he gave to my man Isiah Thomas. But, in time, I came to forgive. I mean, how can you hate The Mailman?

At 1:01 PM, Blogger The Bourbon Samurai said...

The Band is my absolute favorite musical entity-I wasn't going to buy the next boxed set, as I already possess every single album they've put out, several on record, tape, and cd, but they seem to have filled the damn thing with unreleased live stuff, so I suppose I'll have to cough up $80. Damn them for being so awesome.

At 1:19 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

You're a good man, Bourbon...Northwestern and a fan of The Band, that's a good mix. I take it you'd be in for The Last Waltz Halloween Party next year -- dude, you're a theatre guy, ain't ya? YOU should be in charge of logistics. I'm dead serious about this in 2006.

I wouldn't say they're my favorite musical entity, but after PH and GD, they're number one. And if The Band had more songs and more live shows available, and if I found them earlier in life, maybe they would be. Donnie bought the box set and he raves about it. I still need to rip that from him...

Do you have the Watkins Glen set that starts with the Bill Graham intro and goes > Back to Memphis? If not, feel free to drop me an email ( and I can burn it for you. Beautious.

MDS, yeah, Barnett didn't win himself any praise for the Katie Hneida thing...I think he was an idiot for saying that, but I already hated him, so there wasn't any more hate that I could give.

Also, I LOVE Karl Malone. Seriously, Mark Messier and Karl Malone were my first sports heroes. Red Cowboy or any of my LI peeps can vouch, I had pics of The Mailman all over my room as a kid. But people HATE him, a lot of people hate him.

Ethan, Jackhammer Jorge is also my favorite...the guy is comic gold.

At 1:38 PM, Blogger MDS said...

Well, Ace, since you hate Barnett, you can take solace in this:

Northwestern beat
Wisconsin who beat
North Carolina who beat
North Carolina St who beat
Georgia Tech who beat
Miami FL who beat

And I can take solace in this:

Illinois beat
Rutgers who beat
Navy who beat
Air Force who beat
New Mexico who beat
Missouri who beat
Iowa St who beat

At 2:42 PM, Blogger MDS said...

And, as for Super Bowl Shuffle-like videos, this is my favorite.

At 4:25 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

That little white kid can rap his ass off...great stuff.

And even without all that computer generated nonsense, NU would fucking wipe the floor with CU this year.

At 4:01 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I feel the same about Scottie Pippen. I despise him.


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