Friday, December 16, 2005

Jack Links Jerky

Freshly seasoned with some teriyaki:

1. First things first, I feel like I owe everyone a proper forum to discuss the "butt groping, sex toy usage, assorted oral favors, topless lap dancing" and Fred Smoot's double-headed dildo lovin' from the Minnesota Vikings boat cruise report (there's gold in them there hills). My mother and father always told me growing up, it ain't no boat trip without a little butt groping.

2. Imagine taking home a Christmas tree and waiting a few days before gathering the family to decorate it. When you finally begin to tinsel the shit out of it, you notice an owl stuck inside the family tree, reeking of potent marijuana. Would you consider this to be the weirdest thing that ever happened to you? Let's recap: Buy a tree, bring it home, start to decorate, notice a stoned owl's been chillaxin' on a branch for the better part of a week just waiting for some Cool Ranch Doritos and Mountain Dew. Awesome.

3. It was really only a matter of time: "Anti-smoking activists who are driving cigarettes from public places across the country are now targeting private homes -- especially those with children."

Let me be clear about this: I'm not a violent man, I'm not even an ornery man, and no part of me is aggressive nor manly...but if there comes a day when I am prohibited to do whatever the fuck I want behind my closed, private doors, I will burn these people's pupils with a P-Funk so fast it'll break right on through to the cerebral cortex. I don't even know where the cerebral cortex is, but I'll find it, and I'll burn the shit out of it with the ember of my cigarette, I promise you that. I will personally crush the trachea of anyone responsible for passing such a law, and in an additional punitive measure, I will kidnap their children, lock them in a window-less and vent-less room and blow smoke into their faces for weeks at a time.

4. One group of people who will never face the downside of this law is the homeless. Because they don't have homes. The homeless do have their own problems, though -- it's not all finding a can of peaches and/or lunch meat and being outdoors all the time. They have to deal with snot-nosed punks feeding them chemical cleansing solutions for five bucks a pop. Rough times at the Waffle House...

5. Tomorrow night's the Warren Haynes Christmas Jam down in Asheville, NC, and it's shaping up to be a doozy. As we reported a while back, Big Red, Catcus and Billy Kreutzmann will be performing together in a delectable trio. You Enjoy MyBlog has a picture from last night's rehearsal, and rumor has it they practiced Cumberland Blues > Chalkdust Torture (in addition to a Nirvana tune, perhaps All Apologies). Holy shitballs, get me to Asheville.

Lastly, I gave y'all plenty to listen to today, but I already got a little bored with that schwag. If you did too (shame on you), here's Paul Butterfield's Better Days band from 12/30/73.

24 Comments:

At 12:43 PM, Anonymous Chefra said...

Is Cactus poppin's some wood in that pic?

 
At 12:50 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Sure does look like he's excited to play with Trey again...

Or maybe someone's daughter is off to the side of that pic. Ho, snap, I went there girlfriend!

 
At 1:02 PM, Anonymous CHefra said...

Oh no you didn't!

 
At 1:50 PM, Blogger MDS said...

Between Onterrio Smith's Whizzinator and Fred Smoot's two-headed dildo, it's been quite a year for the Vikings and plastic phalluses.

But, Ace, get real, the day when you can't do what you want under your own roof is already here. Of course there are restrictions on what people can do in their own homes, and one of those restrictions is that there's a limit to what you can do that could cause harm to your children. Now, you can of course make the case that second-hand smoke isn't nearly harmful enough to children to justify the government telling people that they can't smoke with kids in the house. You can make the case that the next step will be arresting people for child abuse if they let their kids get morbidly obese (and I wouldn't be surprised if that's coming). But you can't make the case that the government has no interest in legislating what people do in their homes, when what they do has a direct impact on their children.

Until the government gets rid of all the ridiculous laws that restrict what adults can put in their own bodies, I can't really get too worked up about laws that restrict what adults can put in their children's bodies.

 
At 1:58 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

"But you can't make the case that the government has no interest in legislating what people do in their homes, when what they do has a direct impact on their children."

Cigarettes are legal. And they're legal because the gov't reaps massive rewards. How can the gov't tell me what I can and can't do in MY house if they're saying it's legal for me to do it in the first place?

I don't care what kind of logic you break out, there's no reasonable and rational explanation for such a measure being enacted. None.

As for the day of reckoning already being upon us, well sir, I guess you have a point there.

 
At 2:05 PM, Blogger dhodge said...

We can all rest assured that once a man is in your home, anything you do to him is nice and legal (all bets are off if you invited him in).

 
At 2:17 PM, Blogger MDS said...

"How can the gov't tell me what I can and can't do in MY house if they're saying it's legal for me to do it in the first place?"

Come on. You know perfectly well that there are lots of things that are legal for you to do but illegal for you to expose your kids to. It's legal to have sex in your home. Does that mean it has to be legal to have sex in your home in front of children?

 
At 2:17 PM, Blogger brickmyers said...

sodomy is illegal, i think that only goes on in peoples homes. well, maybe...

 
At 2:22 PM, Blogger Gypsy Rose said...

Oh no, sodomy is much better outside with an audience.

Why do the same people who advocate legalization of drugs freak out when they catch their kid with a pipe or papers?

 
At 2:27 PM, Blogger MDS said...

"Why do the same people who advocate legalization of drugs freak out when they catch their kid with a pipe or papers?"

That seems like kind of a non sequitor, but why can't you see the distinction? I think lots of things should be legal but that doesn't mean I want my (nonexistent) kids doing them. I'm opposed to seatbelt laws, but you better believe that when I'm driving my nephew somewhere I insist that he wear his.

 
At 2:33 PM, Blogger Gypsy Rose said...

So, at a certain age one should earn the right to be reckless?

 
At 2:53 PM, Blogger brickmyers said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 3:03 PM, Blogger brickmyers said...

"So, at a certain age one should earn the right to be reckless?"

Pretty much, at 18 you can waste your vote on some giant douche. At 21 you can drink yourself silly. At 25 you can rent a car and drive it off a bridge. So, yes, at a certain age, you can be reckless.

 
At 3:09 PM, Blogger Gypsy Rose said...

Yeah. I know that that's the case.

I'm just asking why is that the case?

Shouldn't the drinking age be in like kindergarten so that kids can handle driving drunk by the time the get a license?

I'm not trying to be a buzzkill. I just see hypocrisy from some parents I know. And I don't know if they let their kids have wine at 15, but not pot (even though they themselves smoke it) because it is illegal or because they consider it more dangerous. Just wondering.

 
At 3:10 PM, Blogger dantobindantobin said...

"Hoot hoot, don't... uh... man, I am so baked..."

 
At 3:14 PM, Blogger PaulNoonan said...

It is possible to smoke in your house without affecting the kids. If you're blowing smoke in your kids face, you're irresponsible, but not every irresponsible act should be banned. Some parents who smoked keep it in the basement or on the porch.

The main problem that I see with this is the potential for abuse in enforcing it. I garauntee that this would primarily be used to legitamize otherwise illegal searches.

 
At 3:15 PM, Blogger brickmyers said...

"Shouldn't the drinking age be in like kindergarten so that kids can handle driving drunk by the time the get a license?"

Now we are getting somewhere. Are you running for office in 08'?

 
At 3:20 PM, Blogger Gypsy Rose said...

Yes. That's right. I'm running for office. I can't decide if my campaign slogan should be.

"The family that parties together stays together."

or

"We're all gettin' laid"

Because if I combine the two... well that would be weird.

 
At 3:33 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Gypsy, cementing her status as coolest chick around...

I feel like if it's legal to beat your kids, it should be legal to blow bong hits in their faces. Just my two cents.

 
At 3:44 PM, Blogger jakezebra said...

"Parties in my basement"
Gypsy Rose in 2008

 
At 3:47 PM, Blogger brickmyers said...

but can gypsy steal bases?

 
At 3:50 PM, Blogger Gypsy Rose said...

Jake, that is so cruel at my expense. Yet so hilariously funny.

Kudos. And FU.

 
At 3:57 PM, Blogger ahren said...

"So, at a certain age one should earn the right to be reckless?"

>as far as i know, people are born into the world with this "right", and it can only be taken away by men with lots of guns. in my extremely humble opinion, having to "earn" it back is akin to begging the bully to let you keep 10 cents of your lunch money tomorrow if you promise to stand lookout while he pummels some other kid.

 
At 4:12 PM, Blogger brucey mcbruce said...

I still can't get over the stoned owl in Christmas tree, nor the fact that Ace is now a trachea crusher?

 

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