Monday, December 19, 2005

Sweet Thing

I don't use any of the Napster offshoots anymore, haven't in some time. Sure, I filled up about 75 discs with free music and downloaded tons of amateur porn like every other under-30 male, but it also slowed down my computer and I'm pretty sure fueled its eventual demise. So I swore off KaZaa and Limewire and the rest of 'em...

But I've been using my roommate's old laptop since moving into the Bleecker apartment, and every once in a while I'll succumb to grabbing a tune or two from the peer-to-peer outlet that's installed on the computer. And, Holy Mary Mother of God, I forgot just how much porn is on that crazy thing.

Knee deep in all things SerialPod yesterday, I decided to download Van Morrison's Sweet Thing for some musical comparison. I knew the song well but didn't have it, so I figured I'd download it and do a side-by-side contrast. I typed in "Sweet Thing," and below Van the Man's tune came this list (all true, I make up nary a word here):

Cherry teen in a good suck
Teen poptard gives a jiffypop in the locker room
Budding girlhood in tight yoga pants
Plain vanilla sex UNTIL her husband walks in
Jeff Buckley - sweet thing (live Van Morrison cover)
First-timer freaks over cherry pop
Massive watermelons jiggle to the horizontal bop
Oddball amputee makes good use of wheelchair

There were at least 20 more ridiculous titles for download, but I excluded the ones that were pure sexy time, only including the ones that made me blush and/or laugh hysterically, imagining an Eastern European pornographer/slavemaster typing those into the upload server -- how you say "cherry teen in a good suck, yes?"

I was severely tempted to download the "Teen poptard gives a jiffypop in the locker room" clip to see what the hell it was, but for some reason I held off. So, uh, anyone ever get a jiffypop in the locker room from a teen poptard? If so, fill me in on what I'm missing.

And FYI, I'm wearing tight yoga pants to work, and I'm budding here.

Slack Video of the Day: For the second straight week, Saturday Night Live featured an off-the-charts, mucho re-watchable sketch. Last week it was Alec Baldwin's Always Be Cobbling elf skit, this week it's newbie Andy Samberg and Chris Parnell's Lazy Sunday digit short. People, if you haven't seen SNL this week, get on this immediately. High-larious -- I think this Andy Samberg's got a bright future.

Slack Aesopian Link of the Day: This is clearly an old story, but I didn't see it until last night, so it's news to me. If you this doesn't bring a little geigh smile to your face, you've got no soul -- the Hippo and the Tortoise.

Slack Song of the Day: See below, SerialPod's two weekend shows.


At 10:56 AM, Blogger Trix said...

Seriously, what the heck's a jiffypop? Do tell!

At 11:19 AM, Blogger hoobs said...

a jiffypop is exactly what it sounds like. a bag of popcorn is stuck up someone's back-end until the body heat creates a warm and satisfying snack.

EMS: Are you okay?

Mmm-hmm. How's the other driver?

EMS: Not too good. How's the Jiffy Pop?


At 11:56 AM, Blogger Alex Fritz said...

I watched about ten minutes of SNL on saturday night and was lucky enough to catch the Lazy Sunday short. It was like a mock-up of a Andy Milinakiz mock-up of a Beastie Boys video mocking late-70's pop-culture.

Mock on.

At 12:24 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Don't compare that SNL short to anything Andy Miliknokakaksis does...this was much more clever.

I love the "You can call us Aaron Burr for the way we're droppin Hamiltons."

Jiffy Pop is like a Dirty Sanchez, but with low-fat butter.

At 2:26 PM, Blogger Alex Fritz said...

I didn't consider Milinockisiziz all that clever, either. Than I read that he's actually in his mid-30's (or something like that) and then i realized his true genius. People will accept him acting like an idiot because they think he's 14 years old. And he can make money doing it.

Actually maybe he's not that creative...maybe I'm just jealous that he makes money being a moron and I do it for free.

It's all about the Hamiltons baby.

At 2:39 PM, Blogger Lozo said...

i once searched for coldplay's fix you on limewire. here is what turned up:

"skinny puppy hupms the shit out of a 80 yr old (coldplay -- fix you)"

"mature sex vid (colplay -- fix you)"

"grandma sure can suck and fuck (coldplay -- fix you)"

"wrinkled pussy getting fucked by 19 yr old stud (coldplay -- fix you)"

"GROSS pregnant girl about to get fucked (coldplay -- fix you)"

"90 yr old sex (coldplay -- fix you)"

"mom sucks off pizza boy because she has no money (coldplay -- fix you)"

it's not even GOOD porn. i'd be pissed if i was coldplay. give me ONE jenna jameson title at least.

At 12:53 AM, Blogger ginab said...

Damnit, and I love Van Morrison. Swe-et thang, sweet tha-ng.

I recently submitted a list to, and was rejected by McSweenys, of weird tripple-rated subject lines I'd rec'd in my junkmail folder. My attraction to the list, please I assure anybody, was the globalization of women. I'm tooting no horn here, but I am intruiged. The misspellings tell me, at least, a whole lot as to how far afield impressions of western women are flung. Anyway, as it's been rejected, the list appears here and is therefore, whew!, technically published (applause!):

1. A woman in white nylons from Berserk
2. Young Sweety Riding
3. Rare Hairless Amateur *@*!s Big Movies
4. Older woman having a good Jelly Belly
5. much shake weary nashville at epigenetic curdom
6. Cutes grab big rock hard things
7. Sluts caught on video on nature
8. Fresh hot supermodels are ready for MSOETR
9. Unknown Perverts catapult
10. “What a hot piece of?= =?utf-8?q? ass sitting by the?= =?utf-8 reading?”

At 9:34 AM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

"9. Unknown Perverts catapult"


At 12:04 AM, Blogger ginab said...

Geez, I agree ace cowboy, but I wonder about 7.


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