Friday, December 30, 2005

Tough Day

To: Northwestern place kicker Joel Howells
From: University alumnus Ace Cowboy
Re: Why, Lord, Why?

Dear Sir or Madam:

Um, what's goin on, bud? You okay? Been sleeping well these days? Need some money? Want some uppers? Downers? Family trouble? Girl probems? I'm just concerned, that's all.

Dr. Cowboy recommends ingesting the maximum dosage of Ambien tonight, for it sure won't be easy to fall asleep naturally. What, with the haunting thoughts of not one but two missed extra points, a blocked field goal that barely cleared the line and two atrocious onsides kicks, attempts so feeble that both were returned to the end zone for six points. Both!

Look, I know you're just a college student and this was only the Vitalis Sun Bowl, but your performance in today's game truly wasn't worthy of the Special Olympics. I've seen female amputees kick better (but only ones that were missing arms).

Don't kill yourself, but definitely think about it for a few days.


P.S. What a strange game, eh? Two NU defensive interceptions returned for touchdowns at the start of the game, two UCLA onsides kick returns for touchdowns at the end of it. Dare I say, craisins. Strange game, allright, a tough 50-38 loss for the Cats.

P.P.S. Did you by any chance TiVo the game? If so, fast forward through your horrendous lowlights and check out when CBS announcer Verne Lundquist signs off the telecast by saying something like "If you had 100 total points in your office pool, you were only off by 2." Big fan of Verne, but that's some shoddy fucking math.


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