Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Marriage Approval Ratings

It's Red Cowboy's third anniversary today, which is a fitting intro to this post. Because in the course of an e-mail conversation about women and relationships with some friends this morning, one of my married buddies dropped this bomb of an analogy:

"These days I compare marriage to a presidential approval rating. You'll never get to 100% approval. So you hope to stay in the mid 50s to low 60s if you can. So at best - it sucks 40% of the time. Right now the approval rating in our house is in the mid-40s (not good), but is up from all-time lows of 31-32%. With our new economic and job creation programs, we're hoping to push this into the mid 50s by February."

Unlike most White House beat reporters, I pressed him for follow-up and received this immediate response:

"Marriage is as rough as everyone says ALL THE TIME. And the analogy comes from what it must be like to be the president with all this pressure and you're constantly trying to do the right thing and it keeps not working. My belief is that *the most* happily married people in the world have marriage approval ratings of no more than 70% (sucks 30% of the time)."

In other, less awful news, I started a July 7, 2004 news post like this: "A doctor at the University of Pittsburgh Medical Center today announced that "face transplants" are a matter of when and not if." Turns out, those Face/Off prognosticators were correct. Creepy.

And check out this sick footage of a windy day in Denver...in case I need it some day, remind me never to wash windows on scaffolding.

Live 13 Revisited

Thanks to the intrepid detection skills of one Dorsey Levin, the coveted Mitzvahpalooza pics have been located.

Here they are, courtesy of the Tabloid Baby Blog...

I feel like a total hoo-ah today.

An update...the plot thickens: "David H. Brooks, the man who laid out $10 million for his daughter's bat mitzvah celebration, has been under investigation by the Securities and Exchange Commission since last year." [More, scroll down]

Big Game & V. Dartz

Professional athletes must love talking to me on the phone. So much so, I've now started declining these constant invitations for telephonic communication. True story.

Regular readers of this here rag may remember my mid-August post about the impromptu phone conversation I shared with then-heavyweight champ Lennox Lewis a few years back. I nearly had a similar experience with one of basketball's greatest forwards after work yesterday, via our good friend Mitchell VergerDartz III.

In the midst of a somewhat silly conversation with V. Dartz, he stopped listening to me and squawked, "What up, Big Game?" to the fellow next to him. I had already forgotten about what I was blathering, and I grew suddenly inquisitive as to whom this specific greeting was directed. "Well, I'm standing next to James Worthy," he said plainly, as if he were standing next to some guy in his office.

Turns out he was, I guess. While supremely lazy, Dartz holds a respectable producer position at a big-time local television outlet that airs the games of a certain Los Angeles group of cagers. As part of this job, he regularly sits next to and converses with ol' number #42. To him, not a big deal. To me, very funny stuff.

"Want me to put James Worthy on the phone?," Dartz asked. "Want me to put him on the phone with you?"

Sheepishly, and freshly stoned, I replied "No, no, please don't."

"You wanna talk to him? He's right here."

"Dude, DO NOT put James Worthy on the phone with me right now," I yelled like Jerry Seinfeld telling his mother not to send him fifty dollars. "Don't put him on, Verger. I mean, what am I gonna say to James Worthy? I'm racking my brain right now and I can't come up with a single thing to say to him."

The Worthy conservation died there, only to re-emerge a few minutes later when I tried to think of something to say to him.

"Seriously, what would I even say to James Worthy?," I said. "Tell him I loved him in Coneheads. You too." Dartz paused and seemingly contemplated passing along this Frank Drebin mis-compliment. "No, really, tell him I loved him in Coneheads." Another pause for thought. "Okay, don't do that."

Another anti-climactic finish for the reader, I'm sure. But after I hung up I realized and laughed, what kind of day it has been where I can come home from work, take a hit or two, get a call from a close friend and then beg him not to put Hall of Famer James Worthy on the phone. Sometimes my life is (sur)really funny.

So I ask you, Slackers, be serious, be funny, be mean, be nice, but tell me, what would you say to James Worthy if handed a call with the former Tarheel on the horn?

Slack Link of the Day: Hippies everywhere are in a state of shock and outrage after the Grateful Dead's controversial decision to pull its soundboards off the Live Music Archive. It's a pretty boneheaded move, and it makes no sense frankly, but part of me loves seeing the hippies become all flustered and try to get people together and form protests. Fingers are being pointed, names being called, it's truly an ugly scene in Jerryland right now.

But at least ONE former member of the Dead camp has come forward in response on the side of the people, and that's lyricist John Perry Barlow, who issued some scathing remarks at his former friends. Leave it to a lyricist to put things in perspective, coherently.

Slack Suggestion of the Day: You may remember my love of the 2005 Langerado Music Festival (and the subsequent tank frenzy). This certainly ranked high on the list of awesome weekends this year, and I will most definitely be there in March for the next episode. I strongly advise you folks to join me, since you all clearly missed out on a sick time. The festie promoters announced the lineup today, and it's expanded to include the hipster crowd in addition to the hippies. Hippies and hipsters, much like Vegoose.

Let's go friends, March 11 and 12, 2006, be there: "Ben Harper & The Innocent Criminals The Black Crowes The Flaming Lips, Wilco, The Meters, Robert Randolph & The Family Band, Keller Williams, Burning Spear, G. Love & Special Sauce, Steel Pulse, Michael Franti & Spearhead, Drive-By Truckers, The Secret Machines, Umphrey’s McGee, The Disco Biscuits, Antibalas Afrobeat Orchestra, MOFRO, Slightly Stoopid, Clap Your Hands Say Yeah, Brazilian Girls, Kid Koala, Lyrics Born, RJD2, Kinky, Rose Hill Drive, Brothers Past, Pnuma Trio, Lotus, Mike Relm and more!"

Slack Song of the Day: No frills today, just tunes. Here's God Street Wine's Wendy and Mile By Mile; Bruce Hornsby's Western Skyline > Don't Do It; Little Feat's Sailin' Shoes; and Les Claypool playing King Crimson's Thela Hun Ginjeet and Floyd's Shine On You Crazy Diamond with Warren Haynes.

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Pluggin' Away

It's time for our bi-weekly PostSecret plug...I can't stress enough how much I think you should be checking this site every Monday morning.

This is one of the more shallow anonymous secrets from this week's batch, but it's a goody nonetheless:

This one's a bit more on the serious side of the site, but I'm sure some of you might be able to relate to this:

As always, good times from the Schadenfreude Department.

Live 13

Much like the time Beyonce & Company performed at a Bar Mitzvah back in May and [Destiny's] Child became a man, another multi-millionaire has hired a bunch of musicians to play his daughter's Bat Mitzvah reception (the Jewish menarche, if you will).

"For his daughter's coming-of-age celebration last weekend, multimillionaire Long Island defense contractor David H. Brooks booked two floors of the Rainbow Room, hauled in concert-ready equipment, built a stage, installed special carpeting, outfitted the space with Jumbotrons and arranged command performances by everyone from 50 Cent to Tom Petty to Aerosmith.

Also on the bill were The Eagles' Don Henley and Joe Walsh performing with Fleetwood Mac's Stevie Nicks; DJ AM (Nicole Richie's fiance); rap diva Ciara and, sadly perhaps (except that he received an estimated $250,000 for the job), Kenny G blowing on his soprano sax as more than 300 guests strolled and chatted into their pre-dinner cocktails." [More]

A reportedly $10-million Bat Mitzvah, and all the kid got was four or five songs by an incoherent charlatan of a gangsta rapper, some DJ I've never heard of and a rap diva I've never heard of. The rest of the acts, all flown in for the sake of the father and his friends. I like this guy's style. But next time, I say, just give the girl a million-dollar bash and throw yourself a $9-million concert with the rest.

Welcome, girl, to the world of womanhood and "fuckyou money.'

No Confidence, Eh?

I'm a not-so-secret Canadaphile. I love it up there, and I love the people. I've really only been to several Eastern cities several times each, ignoring many of the more unnecessary provinces, but I'm a big fan of the 51st state.

So it comes as a huge surprise to me that the opposition party managed to bring down the Canadian government yesterday. Unemployment's at a 30-year-low, the country runs both budget and trade surpluses, there's health care and education for all and relatively low crime rates. Yet the opposition bloc used a little misappropriation of funds charge to oust Prime Minister Paul Martin's Liberal Party, accusing them of losing its moral authority.

If there's ever been a real difference between our two countries, this may be it. We actually re-elected a government that started an unwinnable war without foresight on faulty intelligence, lost all our global goodwill after the worst terror attack in world history and created the highest budget and trade deficits ever recorded. Our nation's test scores are down big, the number of people covered by health insurance is down as well, but hey, poverty's up!

This administration allowed multi-national companies to come in and write corporate-friendly legislation like the bankruptcy bill, they paid journalists to promote failed policies, they allowed the religious right to cozy up to the bar at the Grand Ol' party, they hired a gay prostitute to sit on Scott McClellan's face and in the White House press room to lob softballs, and they accused Democrats of having no values, yet every top Republican is currently under investigation or indictment (Rove, Frist, DeLay, Libby, and now Cunningham).

We actually re-elected these fuckers. Canada ousted their government because they lost confidence and faith. We bought low, averaged down and are stuck riding out a loser...they're apparently selling high. We really suck. Will someone just give the president a sloppy hummer so we can impeach him already?

Other Morning Stuff
I saw this sign over at Shakespeare's Sister and thought it was a pretty funny billboard considering the source. I always marvel at how the word "bling" has become so mainstream, and I almost wrote a post about it last week after I heard a mid-40s Jewish woman say it in my elevator: "I says to her, 'Dahling,' I says, 'Wait for the bling'."

Slack Video of the Day: Not 100% work-safe, but only because you see someone's ass. If you're cool with the human ass, check out this video of a patron at the MGM Grand in Vegas.

Slack Goals of the Day: Yesterday we featured some scattered NHL goals in the aftermath of the Rangers' thriller on Saturday. Then in the comments I posted the Mike Legg goal and Offpeak posted the sickest goal I've ever seen, so I figured I'd re-tag 'em in an actual post today. So, here they are, some fantastic goals:

The unnamed amateur's Amazing Goal, Mike Legg's wrap-around, Marek Malik's shootout goal, and because I love it, Stephane Matteau's series winner in 1994.

Slack Google or Yahoo! searches of the Day: Nothing crazy today, but the first one and last one really made me crack up...

--ladies molested on a train
--Kevin Nash "hot iron"
--dad fucking daughter (yet the link is to a video of Keller Williams joining ekoostik hookah at Hookahville on Through Hiker)
--Tripping fun mushrooms
--Malik Sealy retail ties

That last one succeeded in baffling me, until I saw what they were looking for...Malik Sealy actually did have his own line of ties, and I found this nugget about his business:

"Malik Sealy, a member of the Indiana Pacer's NBA basketball team...and a former star of St. John's University Redmen, has produced a line of neckwear since 1994. His line features fabrics from around the world, and a classic approach on novelty themes. Among his initial presentation of 40 patterns, is a richly woven silk that incorporates illustrations of various pages fromthe Pacer's playbook. Mr. Sealy once lost his playbook while in New York. Sealy is no stranger to fashion. His siblings and parents have worked in the fashion industry for decades, and growing up, Malik could be found not only on the basketball courts, but home sewing."

"Home sewing," sure he wasn't teased about that. Sealy made ties, you really do learn something new every day on the world wide web.

Slack Link of the Day: Trey's 1983 Yearbook supplement up for sale.

Slack Song of the Day: Let's keep this simple...Umphrey's McGee, 12/11/04 at the 9:30 Club in DC, with Miss Tinkle's Overture > Thunderstruck > Miss Tinkle's.

Monday, November 28, 2005

We're All Fat-Asses

Finally, here's an answer for the next time your wife or girlfriend asks you, "Does this make my butt look big?"

You still may end up in the doghouse, but feel free to retort, "I don't know, I think the skirt does, but let's find out for real...let me stick my needle in and see if it hits the muscle."

As if anecdotal evidence weren't enough, it appears as if our fat asses are growing fatter than ever in an empirical sense. Now researchers are taking it one step further -- they're calling for longer needles to actually reach the buttock muscles, since most of the injections don't reach their desired target.

Fatter rear ends are causing many drug injections to miss their mark, requiring longer needles to reach buttock muscle, researchers said on Monday.

Standard-sized needles failed to reach the buttock muscle in 23 out of 25 women whose rears were examined after what was supposed to be an intramuscular injection of a drug.

Two-thirds of the 50 patients in the study did not receive the full dosage of the drug, which instead lodged in the fat tissue of their buttocks, researchers from The Adelaide and Meath Hospital in Dublin said in a presentation to the annual meeting of the Radiological Society of North America. [More]
There's a new nickname or expression brewing here...it's not perfected yet, but I'm working on something. Next time you see a girl with a nice face but a big ass, you can say something like, "She's a long-needle" or "Cute face, dude, but your needle ain't big enough."

That's not it, I clearly don't have it yet. It's close, though. Ideas are percolating. I need a room full of stoned kids to help me think this one all the way through. Check back next week.

Bonus Numbered Linkage
1. This one's kind of the anti-Snow White: "A 15-year-old girl with a peanut allergy died after kissing her boyfriend, who had just eaten a peanut butter snack, hospital officials said."

2. This story is too good to be true. I always knew the Hamburglar looked familiar:

"Two employees have been charged with trying to steal money from the Wendy's Restaurant in Manchester, New Hampshire early Monday morning. Police say one of them is Ronald MacDonald - no relation to Ronald McDonald, the clown."

3. Barney Meets 2Pac...what a wonderful kids' show indeed.

4. Here are a couple from Andy Gadiel's site: The first is a video of this year's Yo Yo champion, the second is a make-your-own South Park character (with an annoying pop-up you need to close).

5. Gotta love a good college football rivalry: the chants, the taunts, the horse feces...it's really a thing of beauty. Beautious indeed.

Um, It's NO Good, Jeremy

I have nothing but respect for this guy's game, his sudden maturity and everything else...I'm not a Giants fan but I do enjoy myself some Jeremy Shockey. Still, I can watch this little clip of him improperly celebrating Feely's first of three missed field goals all day long.

There's also a dude in the back goin' nuts, even as it looks like Tiki passes him to slam his helmet into the bench. Tough day, G-Men.

Related: Want Dave Meggett's Super Bowl ring? It's up on eBay.

You Smoke Crack, Samms?

I'm sure by now you've heard that former Cowboys receiver and current ESPN waste-of-seat Michael Irvin was busted with a pipe for smoking drugs during a traffic stop. Not surprisingly, the Playmaker used the "Denny Defense" from Meet the Parents.

Officer: Playmaker, how's the car driving?
Irvin: Officer, uh--
Officer: What's that?
Irvin: It...It's a sculpture I found in my buddy's jacket.
Officer: This isn't a sculpture, Michael. This is a device for smoking drugs.
Irvin: Really? It's not mine. It's not.

I'm sure #88 heard it loud and clear from the ESPN brass, although if they can't prove the piece is his, I guess he won't be fired. Still, I hope they read him the network's handy riot act: "Did I not clearly explain the circle of trust to you, Michael? See, if I can't trust you, Irvin, then I have no choice but to put you right back outside the circle. And once you're out, you're out. There's no coming back."

I'm still somewhat shocked by the recent verdict to the unfortunate T.O. saga from the court of public opinion. It's understandable to dislike a selfish and greedy millionaire, but with the exception of wanting attention and running his yap, T.O. is comparatively a model citizen who always came to practice with a mean streak and who desperately wanted to win on Sundays.

He has no arrest record, no history of anything but mouthing off to the media. And wouldn't you know it, with all the Leonard Littles running around, and all the guys like Michael Irvin in the sport's recent past, T.O. is the worst thing that ever happened to football. I say until they kick out the real d-bags, I won't move to indict Owens so quickly on general principle.

I really dislike Irvin. There's just no reason he's gainfully employed. None at all. It's insulting, actually. I see this as ESPN's chance to cut its losses and release the guy while they still can. My question is, can we plant some drugs or a pipe in Stu Scott's car, too? Hatah in the hizzouse! Hollah at a playa if you see him in the unemployment line! After that, we're goin' for Shannon Sharpe.

More sports: What a weekend for New York sports, some good, some bad. The Knicks and Rangers both won overtime thrillers in the Garden on Saturday, while the Giants and Jets got on their knees blew their close games with crazy finishes on Sunday.

The Knicks win was nuttier than squirrel turds, but it didn't even compare to the Rangers victory. On the 30th skater of an overtime shootout, defensemen Marek Malik, who had all of zero goals this season, made one of the best one-on-none moves hockey's ever seen and scored over Olie the Goalie's stick-hand shoulder.

Please, even if you don't like hockey, check out this goal. And remember, keep in mind this guy had no goals this season and he was the 30th shooter of the day!

Slack Song of the Day: I couldn't let moe. come into town for two shows at the Roseland and not attend one of them. So my roommate whacked up an extra ticket for me and off I went to meet someone random for the swap. Easy as pie.

Once inside, I met up with my buddy Russ and his many friends on the VIP balcony and we watched the band from overhead. I've never been the biggest moe. fan in the world, but I certainly enjoy them. And this weekend, they really brought it to NYC. Holy jeez, did they ever. There were a few spacey moments in the first set, but other than those, the band was on fire.

They nailed covers of Evil Woman and Little Wing, rocked out Arms Akimbo and The Road to start the show, perfected a Recreational Chemistry to close the first set, started off the second set hot and closed beautifully with my second favorite moe. tune, Plane Crash. As if the Gods were smiling upon me, they then encored with the moe. song I enjoy most, Rebubula.

I hadn't seen them since the Tsunami Relief show with Trey and Medeski back in February, when they abbsolutely rocked my socks right off. I left sockless. So it's only fitting today's Song of the Day would come from that show.

Make sure you listen to this Plane Crash -- it features John Medeski and a five-minute jam that's virtually untouchable. This really might be 10 of the greatest minutes I've ever heard live, by any group of musicians. Also, check out the spectacular Rebubula that started that show and the euphoric Peaches en Regalia.

Slack AOL Celebrity Chat of the Day: Russ sent this over my way last night, and I'm still not sure whether I can tell for certain what's going on here. Is this thing real? If so, I am basically without speech. This is definitely not a must-read Trey interview.

Friday, November 25, 2005

Posturkey

So...for what did you give thanks yesterday?

Friends? Family? The good health of your friends and family? The good health of Pat Morita**? Getting waaasted off tryptophan, brah? The former Canadian Minister of Defence (and Movies) having the balls to caution us about intergalactic warfare? Living in a world that raises men to punch preachers in the face? My answer: all of it. All of it.

Called in to the bossman, I'm workin' from home today, and only a half-day. For that, I'm truly thankful. Boxer shorts and bingers...

Slack Song of the Day: One thing Umphrey's McGee does better than just about any band in the country is their ability to nail the composed sections of any cover song. Case in point, this Making Flippy Floppy from 12/11/04 at the 9:30 Club in DC. It's virtually impossible to play this Talking Heads tune any better than UM does.

I'm also a big fan of this Baba O'Riley and Hot for Teacher from the night before that show, 12/10/04 at New York's Irving Plaza.

Slack Video of the Day: YEM, NYE '03, MIAMI.

**UPDATE** Scratch that one, actor Pat Morita just died. That's a little bit of a sad one. Sad for me, sad for you, sad for Daniel-san. I wonder if he'll make Jesus paint the fence. Live or die, God?

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Kuroda's House?

I wouldn't want to live next door to this family, but I'd love to shake his high-voltage hand. Sure it's a bit wasteful, but it's also a bit awesome. Make sure to play this with sound.

And now let's take a look at the difference between Indian Yoga...

...and Irish Yoga.

Have a happy Thanksgiving, Slackers, and if you're like me and working on Friday, feel free to come back and play around with Ace.

$13K Well Spent

I often joke that half of my disposable income for a few years went directly to the popular rock band Phish's coffers. Well, not just to the band in the form of tickets, live music downloads and other assorted sundries, but also to the airlines that brought me to shows, the companies that sell blank CDs and tapes, and the local communities where the concerts -- nay, events -- took place.

Nevertheless, I consider every dime well spent, and I wouldn't change a damn thing. I feel as though I've been lucky to have seen that band in 13 states and the District of Columbia, that I'm not in debt, that I still have some cash saved up and I now possess a lifetime of crystal-clear memories out of the haze, memories to make me smile whenever I feel nostalgic.

So I kind of understand what the following chick is talking about... but, then again, Phish is Phish and Hanson is, um, Hanson. Even though Dead guitarist Bob Weir played with the brotherly trio back in 1999, I'm not sure they're quite heady enough to warrant this behavior. Still, I ain't judging, whatever makes you happy, you have to go and do it. Do it.

From this article, MMMWhy:
Such a vantage point wouldn’t cut it for Nicole Sipple. The 22-year-old record store cashier from Philadelphia says that she has run up more than $13,000 in credit card debt attending more than 170 Hanson shows.

“It doesn’t really worry me as much as it probably should,” says Sipple, who attended her first Hanson show in 1998. “If they stopped playing for like a year, I could easily pay that off.”

Sipple plans to attend all 23 shows on the band’s current tour. She says that her family generally disapproves of her habit but has learned to put up with it.

Wow, $13,000 on 170 shows and plenty more coming up. That's a fucking super-fan. The more I think about it, the more I'm on board with this girl. See and do what you love while you can.

Suprisingly, Glen Quagmire was unavailable for comment, but I did overhear this conversation on my drive through Quahog:

Peter: If you could be stranded on a desert island with any woman in the world, who would it be?
Quagmire: Taylor Hanson.
Joe: Taylor Hanson is a guy.
Quagmire: [Laughs] You guys are yankin' me. "Hey, let's put one over on Quagmire."
Peter: No, he's actually a guy, Quagmire.
Quagmire: What? That's insane. That's impossible. [Pause] Oh God. Oh my God. I've got all these magazines. Oh God.

Venezuelan X-Mas

My favorite story of the week so far occurred yesterday, when Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez thumbed his nose at the Bushies for only the 30th time this year. In the process, however, the freely elected dictator pledged to help out more than 40,000 low-income Americans, bringing Christmas early from Venezuela to New England.

You might remember Mr. Chavez from such recent public relations fiascos as "Pat Robertson Wants to Assassinate Me", "I'm Cozying Up to Fidel Castro Like a Wet Sailor Trying to Avoid Hypothermia," "How to Ruin the President's Latin America Trip By Beating Back the Proposed Free Trade Bloc Through the Western Hemisphere," and "Constantly Accusing our Imperialist Government of Plotting an Invasion Against Venezuela," starring Chavez as the crazy man who said the U.S. will "bite the dust" if we decide to invade.

Yet Chavez doesn't really hate America. Like many of us, he just despises the path this president has taken the country. Well...and he's crazy. Certifiably. And maybe he hates some things about America. But yesterday Chavez accomplished two goals: sticking it to and embarrassing this administration and playing Santa Claus to Americans in need.

CITGO, Venezuela's state-owned oil company, announced plans yesterday to sell 12 million barrels of heating oil at a steep discount to low-income families in Massachusetts. But the timing is perfect, really. Congress just passed an energy bill with billions in tax breaks for everyone but the home-owning consumer and the recent stunt of a hearing featuring the oil executives on Capitol Hill did nothing to find a solution to helping families heat their homes.

No, U.S. citizens have to rely on the insanity of an authoritarian populist to get any sort of price break for a commodity they basically can't live without. Score one for an "enemy of the state," and chalk up another indictment of the bedfellow combination of corporate America and Washington politics. Bastards.

Sorry for the political aside, but this story is too full of spite and irony to pass up posting. We'll be back with jokes about pushing old ladies in wheelchairs down the steps later on today.

Slack Link of the Day: Hey buddy, you're the one who agreed to move there. Now shut up, ya big dick.

Slack Song of the Day: "You can't hold no groove if you ain't go no pockets." Former Bela Fleck bassist Victor Wooten taught me that once. And now the virtuoso wants to teach you that little life lesson. So pay attention to U Can't Hold No Groove from 10/4/97 at the Wetlands (aka the Sweatglands) in New York City. As an added bonus, here's What Did He Say from the same show.

Slack Video of the Day: On 12/2/03, the popular rock band Phish celebrated its 20th anniversary at the Fleet Center in Boston, and at setbreak played a half-hour video showing the band as the fellas progressed through the years. The video kicks off with the anti-coiffed boys playing Fluffhead in a dorm room and runs through some memorable shows in their history. I'm not sure how long this link will be active, so download away: The 20th Anniversary Video.

And it looks like the Mets just got Carlos Delgado...hmmmm.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Thriller...

...with LEGOS.

Kudos bar to Philipp and Miriam Lents, the people that put this together. I'm sure, though, they would like that long year back that they spent making this dead-on re-creation.

Uh Uh, No Fair

Imagine, if you would, the many men in their mid-20s who have molested 14-year-old girls and been rightfully sent to prison.

(Okay, that's my bad there. See, I should have warned you this post would immediately fly into some shit with which you might not be coo de lah. Sorry.)

Now that you know what you're getting yourself into, imagine you're a 24-year-old male. You're teaching in a high school with some obvious jailbait in slutty clothing running around, and one day, you lose all reasonable judgment skills and give in to the temptation of the proverbial cherry. Er, I mean, apple, proverbial apple.

Let's also stipulate that not only did you engage in some brief touchy touch and cheek-pecking with this pupil, you had lots or oral and penetrative sex with her in a car while her slightly older cousin chauffeured you around the city. Then you coninued to particpate in these acts, in the car again and even in school. This was not a one-time lapse, this was a repeat offense repeated.

The question I pose is this: Is there enough jail time the judge and/or jury could throw at this hideous offender? How outraged would the local community be if the perpetrator got anything less than 10-20 years in a federal fuck-me-in-the-ass penitentiary? Innocence lost, he must pay!

So how the fuck did that smokin' hot 24-year-old teacher from Ocala who banged the 14-year-old kid receive a sentence of house arrest and probation? Seriously, how is that possible? I'm all for hot, blonde teachers molesting our nation's youth, but can we at least get some national standards for both sexes here? Maybe something like hot teachers, both male and female, will be sentenced lightly, whereas if you're creepy you face a maximum lockdown.

Take one look at the boy's account of the incidents -- but don't do it at work, for there may be an overwhleming and intense urge to rub one out in the office bathroom. But look at this police report and replace the hot teacher with some hairy dude and the "cool, mature boy" with a "precious, little girl." Then assure me you're okay with this slap-in- the-face of a plea deal. Frankly, this is bullshiite.

I understand this isn't the opinion of most guys, and in truth, if this chick were my teacher back in the day she could have her way with me any day. Shit, she could do my whole crew of friends -- I wouldn't be jealous. But I have a good friend who did two years of house arrest in Florida for a personal stash of fucking coke (albeit a large one). This chick basically ruined this innocent kid's life, completely fucked up his idea of love, and she gets to sit home all day? Tell me how that's fair.

Also, show me where to sign up for this...stickin' it to high school girls and being able to sit on my couch all day and night for a few years without having to make up a good excuse like "I gotta get up early"? That sounds, um, pretty flippin' awesome.

Slack Link of the Afternoon: Homestar Runner's 4Tst Annual Float Parade. Homestar and the "SWE ATSHIRT float" really takes the cake.

Slack Better Link of the Afternoon: Is this really Kate Moss? Is this the most bizarre thing you've ever seen by a famous person? Cool beans. Gotta love the blow. (Not necessarily work safe, though not the end of the world if the boss sees it).

Slack Song of the Afternoon: Shortly after Jazz Fest 2004, I downloaded the Greyboy Allstars reunion set from the Saenger Theater. I'd been a big fan of their music for a few years but had seen them only once, and that was back in 1998. They'd since splintered off into Karl Denson's Tiny Universe, Robert Walter's 20th Congress and several other bands.

After I finished listening, though, I was floored. Why on Earth would these guys break up? This show is up there with any of the best live performances in the funk-jazz world I'd heard in quite some time. You can listen to the whole show right here, but I've picked out these two excellent tunes for your aural digestion: Jack Rabbit and Taxman.

If you can listen to Jack Rabbit all the way through and honestly tell me it's not one of the best live tunes you've ever heard, I don't even wanna be your friend. Seriously, you're off Slack forever. Done.

Hittin' the Links

You just gotta love an article that starts like this:

"A recluse who kept his dead mother in his freezer and shot at his neighbors when they came to his door was sentenced to seven years in prison Monday...Philip Schuth, 53, was sentenced for attempted homicide, reckless endangerment and concealment of a corpse."

Especially when that article ends like this:

"Schuth has said he fantasized about being married to Alias star Jennifer Garner. At his sentencing, he said: 'I apologize to Jennifer Garner and her pool boy Ben Affleck for involving them in my fantasies.'" [More]

Five other items of note this morning
1. Rock n Roll Part Death: "The disgraced rock star Gary Glitter could face death by firing squad after he was accused of having sex with a girl aged 12 in Vietnam."

2. "An elderly Australian woman who last week failed to return to her nursing home from a short stroll has been found safe some 3,000 kilometres (1,860 miles) away, police said."

3. "A man who was struck in the head by a train this weekend was also hit in the head by a New York City subway car three years ago, officials said Monday."

4. Did anyone see Bart Starbux before this weekend's Iron Bowl? Make sure that kid's got a solid alibi. "According to reports, an unidentified man shouted 'Roll Tide' at Phi Kappa Tau fraternity students around 12:30 CST Saturday morning. A fight then broke out, with the man pulling out a knife and stabbing people."

5. Everyone who didn't attend Florida State missed out on this.

Slack Link of the Day: Red Wings defenseman Jiri Fischer collapsed on the Detroit bench last night, the 25-year-old's heart having stopped after suffering a seizure.

There have been many sports injuries that stopped play, but none have been scarier than the Clint Malarchuk skate-to-the-jugular incident. If you've never seen it, check that link out. And why this clip is on a site called spikedhumor or collegehumor is absolutely beyond me. It should be on a site that induces vomit, not laughter.

Slack Song of the Day: I'm not sure I've ever posted any Medeski, Martin & Wood, who aside from Phish and the Dark Star Orchestra I think I've seen more than any other band. So here's Bubblehouse, Think and an amazing cover of Crosstown Traffic from 10/5/96 at the Capitol Theater in Port Chester, New York.

Monday, November 21, 2005

I Saw That Movie, Too

True shock and horror swept much of the country after at least three high school football players were paralyzed or killed when they lied down in the middle of the highway, emulating a foolish scene from The Program, only to be struck by moving vehicles.

The reactionaries responded by deleting the tempting scene from the movie, and every copy of the film that's been sold or rented since has been abridged by stupidity.

Now I'm predicting the same thing may happen again after the latest life-imitating-art copycat mistake. Go out and buy your copy of Mannequin now, because it may never look the same again.

Police last week caught an 18-year-old South Dakota kid cozying up to a store mannequin...and perhaps the two got a little too cozy:

"The guard observed [Michael] Plentyhorse with his pants and underclothing down and lying next to the half-naked female mannequin, a police report states.

'There was inappropriate activity between him and the mannequin. That’s the only way I know how to put it,' Sioux Falls police officer Loren McManus said.

Security staff at the Pavilion say they have noticed the same mannequin has previously been found undressed on several occasions, McManus said." [More]
There's not much you can say after reading that story. There aren't many answers, only more questions: Like, do people use the word "underclothing" at all? Is this guy's last name really Plentyhorse? How far away was Hollywood and his cool glasses at the time? If this happens again for a sequel, will they replace Plentyhorse with the guy from Herman's Head? And lastly, did Captain Harris find them mid-coitus and say, "You are one...sick...puppy"?

Now Youse Can't Leave

Oh man, this story is almost to good to be true...

"Irked by a reporter who told him he seemed to be 'off his game' at a Beijing public appearance, President George W. Bush sought to make a hasty exit from a news conference but was thwarted by locked doors." [More]

Don't believe the article and the picture? See the classic video here.

What else?
Show of hands, has everyone seen that DirecTV commercial they've been running for a couple months? It's the one where the colored gentlemen is sitting on the couch and his son runs in to hang out, sees his father is watching sports and says "Oh...football" as disappointedly as possible.

I think we oughta check with Child Welfare Services first, but I'm pretty sure this is grounds for beating a child. Oh, football? C'mon, ya little fruit, you see football and you get fucking excited. Next time you walk in here with a sourpuss face after seeing some helmeted bohemoths on the teevee, you're catching a backhand to the right cheekbone. The time after that, it's a closed fist. Let it be known.

Danger is My Middle Name
Almost every summer, the Phish from Vermont makes its way to Camden, New Jersey for one or two shows. And every year, the words "Roll 'em up" are uttered thousands of times. The place is basically a crack den, no more, no less. It's also the last place you want to be a dirty hippie with a broken down car after midnight, a scene I've witnessed every time we've been there.

And for the second straight year, Crackden NJ has been named the most dangerous city in America. So thanks for the kickass Wilson, YEM > Ghost > Maze > Catapult > Maze opener last year, but thanks as well for scaring the shit out of me, always.

The Weekend
Day Off late wake-up > The Last Waltz on the couch > Day Off nap > Three sets of Tea Leaf Green > 4 am grilled cheese > Saturday late wake-up > Ohio State-Michigan > Interview with TLG for the Live Music Blog > Three hours of Umphrey's McGee > Last two sets of Tea Leaf Green's late-night show > 4:15 grilled cheese.

Needless to say, I didn't get much sleep this weekend, and the feet are still aching. But I caught nine hours of incredible live music, made some new friends, danced my ass off and slept like a baby last night.

Slack Song of the Day: After the weekend I picked out my favorite three songs from each of the shows and found suitable replacements to stand in as today's keep-ya-busy-all-day, nine-part SOTD...you can find them right here over on the Live Music Blog, where we also posted the Torrents to download.

Here's a teaser: The Garden Part III from 12/29/04 KPFA Studios in Berkeley and Sex in the 70s from 6/30/05 High Sierra Music Festival.

Slack Link of the Day: Oh, and if you watched Family Guy last night and didn't quite get the Peanut Butter Jelly Time thing, click here, sit back for 10 minutes and enjoy the hell out of this. That might be one of the greatest completely obscure references in television history.

Friday, November 18, 2005

Day Off

Your Ace Cowboy's taking a day for himself, with a long week behind him and a big weekend peering over the horizon. The road ahead is paved with five late-night sets of Tea Leaf Green, two sets of Umphrey's McGee and the guarantee of a severely aching body.

Free from work, free from Slack. Enjoy your weekends, folks.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Miami: The U (Suck It, Bitch)

I always knew Mulgrew was good for something. His post today links to a frighteningly hysterical rap song performed by some University of Miami football players. And, sweet meat pies, some of this shit makes 2 Live Crew look like Raffi.

"A group calling itself the 7th Floor Crew...made a recording referencing multiple acts of group sex, derogatory terms for women and minorities and dozens of curse words that lasts approximately 9 minutes. School officials say the song was recorded two years ago, but that seems to offer little solace," ESPN wrote while salivating at the surefire ratings bonanza.

Kasem: Here's the 7th Floor Crew with "If yo' ho only know"...

Unnecessary Censorship

I'm not the biggest fan of Jimmy Kimmel, nor his nighttime talk show. He's good, sometimes funny. I just don't love it; he's not captivating.

But every once in a while someone will forward around a segment from his show that's genuinely hilarious, and this is one of those times. Goddamn, some of these scenes are bonafide rib-ticklers.

I give you Jimmy Kimmel's One Year of Unnecessary Censorship.

(As an added video bonus, here's a little compilation of people knocking the crap out of themselves, some with the help of others.)

He Cuts Like a Welshman

Ever since this blog's inception I've dedicated myself to the pursuit and celebration of the profoundly ironic, the questionably strange, the downright eerie and the dubious realm of the absurd.

If the Internets have proven beneficial to mankind in just one key way (besides, of course, cheap cigarettes, underage porn, online shopping, clandestine sexual rendezvous, et al.), it's definitely been in opening the window to the world's soul. No, that's way too generous. It's been in opening the door to the world's laundry room, where everything's as dirty as Don Henley describes, and unlocking that room's back closet, full o' skeletons.

They say it takes a village, but all it really takes is one good-humored reporter at the Podunk Bugle-Ledger to write a human-interest story about a local incident, and the rest of the village'll find out about it right quick. Before you know it, a girl in Bismarck reads about a girl in Pakistan whose husband scalded her face with acid in a jealous rage, people all over these United States closely monitor the many arrests of Kentucky's best drunk, and a stoned Canadian teenager reads about the Ukranian couple that responded to each other's personal ads on the very night he actually listens to the words of "that Pina Colada song" for the first time.

There are hundreds of sites that cull the world's offbeat news and deliver it to your screen, all so you can point and laugh from thousands of miles away. How do you say "Ha heh" in Mongolian? The point is, if you do something really stupid these days, it's not just a local headache for the perpetrator anymore. You're dancing on the global stage now, Sapphire.

It's through this lens I offer you the latest installment of "Greatest Story Ever Told." I read this story and knew it had to be posted, but I wasn't quite sure how to handle it. I didn't want to ruin it by excerpting some key sentences, although it's always blog-wise to tease a story well before directing traffic away from the site.

So instead I'll say this: Every line in this article will elicit a more audible gasp than the last, every sentence will shorten the distance between your jaw and the floor and every quotation will leave you more thankful than ever you're not quite this stupid.

If this story were made into a slapstick comedy, the last line "I can't have kids now but still want a family - maybe I'll adopt" would surely make the old WASPy lady fanning herself in a floral dress faint into her moustachioed husband's arms. Also, feel free to note this article has the words "Breaking News" on it.

Why I cut my tackle: rugby fan...And, please, don't skip a word.

Slack Song of the Day: Last week I posted the wicked foursome from the Bonnaroo Superjam in 2003. Today, let's go for 2004's Superjam, if only because it features one of my favorites, Mr. Maceo Parker. If you're not familiar with the funky saxamophonist, go out and buy Life on Planet Groove, one of the true masterpieces of live music.

Maceo joined a bunch of fellas on stage (including Stanton Moore, Geroge Porter, Eric Krasno, Adam Deitch...) at the 2004 Superjam, and among others, played one of my most listened to tracks in college: Shake Everything You Got. Ohhh, it's lovely. If you'd like to listen to the rest of this beauty, you can do so here.

Slack Google Search of the Year: "I hate Trey after Vegoose"

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Gawker Times Two

I don't actually read Gawker, but two people just e-mailed me two separate stories from the website in a span of eight minutes.

The Lindsay Lohan Story: I think this is making the rounds on the Internets...far be it from me to rise above the noise and not post it. Damn, if this story is true, this kid rocks.

The Fake David Cross (or as we'd call him, Favid Fross): Like a Torah rotated 90 degrees clockwise, read this one from the bottom up. It's also been going around for a little while, but it's starting to get good.

That should keep you savages assuaged until after lunch.

Pity My Foolish Driving

Turn left here, foo. Now drink your milk and turn left in .2 miles. I ain't making no right turn, Hannibal, so you better do it at this stop sign here, foo. Stay in school, make a slight left. I pity the fool that don't know he's arrived at his destination.

Tired of that generic chickvoice that gives you the GPS driving directions to your inputted destination? Well, be annoyed no more, the world's celebrities are here to help.

Mr. T, Burt "Turd Ferguson" Reynolds and Dennis Hopper have all signed on to deliver their voices to guide you to where you're going. Even in our ridiculous society of glut and sloth, this has got to be one of the most unnecessary products out there.

But then again, if I got into a buddy's car and Dennis Hopper told us to "Take a right, maaaaan," I think I'd be impressed enough to give him a little bit of roadhead. Wait, what?

My only problem here is with Hopper and Reynolds themselves. Fellas, c'mooon, yer better than that. Do me a favor, look at your IMDB pages and tell me this is a good decision. Although, maybe this has more to do with their online checking accounts than their IMDB pages. I'm just thinking, if Mr. T is doing something, it might be a good indication this career opportunity is for washed-up actors.

But is this a case of art imitating life? In one episode of Family Guy, Peter plays around with the navigation device and turns on Yakov Smirnoff mode, and the quasi-comedian says, "In Soviet Russia, car drives you!" If it's a good idea on the teevee, it's a good idea in real life. Words to live by.

Other shit you can buy for no reason? Try this GPS device that helps you find the nearest toilet, called the iPoo. And if GPS isn't your game, if you're more into trinkets and tchochkies, maybe this custom-made bobblehead of the Trading Spouses God Warrior they promo-ed on Fox for about six weeks is right for you.

Slack Link of the Day: Whether you're a big fan or not, Family Guy has delivered two consecutive episodes of hilarity. This past Sunday featured maybe one of the more quotable Stewie lines in the show's history -- "Ooooh noooo, did that hit Craaazy Staaairs?!" -- but the best comedy came at the beginning of the show two weeks ago. If you haven't seen it, check it out right here: The Osama Outtakes.

Slack Song of the Day: Every day in the summer of 1999, from July through August, I'd wake up to a disc I stole from a friend called The Bluegrass Sessions, featuring a handful of kickass bluegrass pickers on some originals and old standards. So when I saw nugs.net had a great recording from Strawberry Mountain Festival right after that summer, I dove right in to the waters.

So here's Bela Fleck, Sam Bush, Jerry Douglas, Mark Schatz, Brian Sutton, Gabe Witcheer pickin' on some tunes from 9/5/99 in Yosemite, CA: You can stream the whole show here, or play these carefully selected songs I've posted -- Ginseng Sullivan, C Medley, and Sailin' Shoes > Crossroads > Sailin' Shoes.

Bluegrass is really hit or miss, but I think you'll enjoy these.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

I'm Pickin' Up Good Vibrations

A week ago we talked about the ultimate stocking stuffer for dudes.

Today we bring you the greatest holiday gift for chicks of all-time, although I'm betting there won't be any left in stores by Christmas time. If hotcakes really do sell as fast as the people say, consider this the hottest hotcake in history:

"APPLE'S iPod is set to bring even more pleasure to music lovers this Christmas - after boffins invented a vibrator that moves in time with the songs.

The £25 iBuzz connects up to the gizmo and pulses while each tune is played. When the volume is pumped up, the vibrations get faster as the music gets louder." [More from The Sun]

I'll never look at any smiling girl on the subway to work the same way ever again. From now on, you're all guilty. Sinners.

Cool Mom's the One

Most teenage boys entertain the occasional Stifler's Mom fantasy in the process of growing up, that's nothing unusual. No matter how pent up those sexual urges can be, though, there's really no excuse for sleeping with this "Cool Mom." Even if you're 16 and hopped up on methamphetamines, Jack Daniels and the pot.

Opportunistic bloggers and mainstream journalists everywhere are going to do their best to villify this woman, calling her a perverted seductress who preyed on teenage boys and ruined many lives. I won't disagree, that's a pretty fair assessment. And she certainly deserves the jail time she received today, even though you can clearly tell from this two-minute police interview that she's a very confused lady.

My job here isn't to play contrarian, it's to pose this question: How in the world did this woman luckily earn the nickname "Cool Mom" in every single publication and website? That's just a fantastic nickname for such a handful of terrible deeds. Good for her, really. She could have been dubbed Mommy Rapist, Statutory Starlet, Teen Rider, Gross Slut Who Likes Teencock, Filthy McNasty, something simple like Motherfucker, or even (Hideous But) Cool Mom.

No, this chick lucked out. She'll be sitting in jail for 30 years, but at least she'll be referred to as a Cool Mom in the press. And I'm sure she can rest easy on her concrete pillow knowing that fact.

Slack Link of the Day: Did anyone else see this headline -- Man Claims He Has Rid Himself of HIV -- and wonder whether the story would be about Magic Johnson? I mean, have we reached "hoax" level with this guy yet? The man's a marvel. It's magic.

Slack Song of the Day: Today's tracks come from Robert Randolph and the Family Band’s 2002 Bonnaroo set. And since the whole set is outrageously fantastic, I can’t pick just one song -- so here’s the dance-inducing I Get Joy, a delicious cover of Voodoo Chile and the soul-tingling Swing Low, Sweet Chariot with the Del McCoury Band and DJ Logic.

Monday, November 14, 2005

Go Balloons

Congratulations are due to someone in the U.S. Senate Sergeant at Arms' office.

At 3:04 pm, you, sir or madam, became the 100,000th visitor to Slack LaLane. Please e-mail our management to claim your set of steak knives.

I'm not sure why anyone based on Capitol Hill would be reading this here rag, but for a moment I got a little paranoid. Then I saw that this person came to Slack looking for the Phish reunion Utica post, and now I'm more concerned that dirty, patchouli-stinkin' hippies have infiltrated the Senate Sergeant at Arms' office.

And if that's the case, instead of steak knives, you can trade in the gift for a set of vegan placemats.

Good day, sir! I said good day!

Breaking News: A-Rod Wins MVP

Some good his award-winning performance did for us in the Division Series against the Angels...

So A-Rod edged out Big Papi for the MVP Award, which is certainly no shocker. No, this is the shocker, and all its variations:

Thoughts on the tight MVP vote? Thoughts on the Spocker, the Rocker or the Showstopper? Lotta Shocker talk 'round here lately.

Latino Heat Extinguished

Sadly, long-time professional wrestler and prominent member of the Guerrero fighting family, Eddie Guerrero, died yesterday in Minneapolis. He, not surprisingly, failed to reach his 40th birthday.

I love the guy, but I'll always wonder how wrestling executives like Vince McMahon sleep at night, implicitly allowing and sometimes outright encouraging their employees to shave years off their lives for the job. Since 1998, more than 60 professional wrestlers have died before hitting 45 years old...screw real sports, where's Congress with the oversight on this shit?

I've said it before and I'll say it again -- the type of steroids may be different, and the training regimens may be different, but a major baseball or football player is going down in the next few years. Let's hope for my premonition's sake, it's not Bonds.

Because You're Mine...

An snazzy young lady invited me to the New York premiere of the new Johnny Cash picture Walk the Line last night, a ridiculously planned and star-studded event at the Beacon Theater.

The photogs clicked and creamed as Reese Witherspoon and Joaquin Phoenix walked the black carpet (a clever touch) into the theater, joined by a slew of country singers like LeAnn Rimes and other members of the Hollywood elite. I signed a few autographs, as people mistook me for the kid from Big.

It's been reported both Jessica Alba and Chloe Sevigny were in attendance, but I didn't see 'em. Instead I saw Topher Grace...from afar. We upgraded our seats from the top balcony to the bottom level, where I did get within 10 feet of a re-blonded Reese and her hubby Ryan, but my companion took most of the fun out of it by screaming and jumping and generally stalking the talent. I'm pretty sure the couple walked through the theater and promptly left.

The movie itself was pretty damn good, and as most reviews have said, Reese definitely steals the film. Seriously, she was unbelievable, it just may have topped her role in Legally Blonde 2. Phoenix is good, too, but the chica gives the tour de force performance here.

My only complaint is the exact same one I made after seeing Ray: I would have loved it if they focused on his music just a little bit more. Nobody told me the entire movie was a love story with some pill-poppin' abuse thrown in the mix. They did show him writing "Folsom Prison Blues," one of the greatest songs ever penned, but other than that, the rest of his music hung in the periphery while they spotlighted the troubled love of Johnny and June.

You know what, now that I think about it, they showed plenty of his music. I guess I'm tough to please when it comes to biopics. I personally probably would have preferred if they just showed two hours of him live at Folsom Prison with an occasional snippet of his life thrown in for good measure.

Either way, see the film. You'll enjoy it.

Other weekend notes
--I overheard the line of the weekend on my way to meet the high school friends on Saturday night. Passing by the Peculier Pub on Bleecker, a blonde girl looking disgusted said to her two companions: "If he calls me Sarah one more time, I'm gonna kick him in the balls."

--I enjoyed some great college football action this weekend, aside from the Ohio State-Northwestern game, which I think may have been cancelled. The #5 LSU/#3 Alabama contest went into overtime, ending when JaMarcus Russell threw a TD pass in the first overtime.

CBS showed a section of yellowed LSU fans that made the trip to Tuscaloosa, all of whom were celebrating wildly the incredible victory their team just snatched. Interestingly, and clear as day, they showed two fratty guys in the middle of the thrilled section locked in a warm embrace. Then the two kissed -- first it was just a peck, then a very passionate kiss on the mouth.

I TiVoed back, to confirm what I had seen, and my roommates reacted as if Joe Theismann's tibia was sticking out the front of his leg. I simply laughed, having just thought it made for a funny moment caught on live television that 99.44% of the country missed. It's not like two characters on Will & Grace were making out, these were two dudes who probably beat up them queers on campus locked in a sloppy wet kiss in front of a national TV audience. Hope your folks get bad reception on CBS back home. I say good for you, kiddos.

--The two football teams I root for every week, Northwestern and the Jets, lost by a combined 78-10 score this weekend.

--I pretty much re-built all of Slack LaLane this weekend, after I accidentally erased much of the template code. So the right-hand toolbar is new and improved, though you might not even notice a change. Consider this Slack 1.1.

Slack Link of the Day: A friends of Hoobs from high school scored the Goal of the Week in some Puerto Rican soccer league recently. Whether you like futbol or not, this is a sick goal.

Slack Short of the Day: The jury's still out on whether this is funny or not, but it's definitely a well-done short film called Young Artie Feldman. Ever see a 15-year-old agent for workers in the food service industry? Well, now you have.

Slack Song of the Day: See below.

Sunday, November 13, 2005

Utica, Oh Utica

We're gettin' the band back together. Don't tell Page.

Click here for some great pics, here for Boogie on Reggae Woman (they really kick it into high gear at 14 minutes) and here for a sweet little video of the action. Thanks to Trey's website for the above pic.

Friday, November 11, 2005

Think You've Got It Bad?

Could be worse, you could be Megan Oglesbee...

Oglesbee "has been convicted of neglect after she admitted removing a nursing home patient's time-release pain patch and sucking out the medication."

Man, it just doesn't get any lower than that, does it? This is the very definition of hitting rock bottom. So just remember, as bad as things might be, at least you're not potentially killing a nursing home patient in order to suck the medication out of their fucking pain patch.

Have a good weekend, Slackers.

"If I pull out the arrow...will you...suck out the poison?"

More Idiocy

I love Dover, Pennsylvania.

The great citizens of Dover on Election Day voted to oust all eight school board members that introduced "intelligent design" as an educational alternative to evolution and instead elected eight people who oppose the idea. Wonderful, at least the people of Dover haven't completely lost its collective mind.

But religious nutbar Pat Robertson is pissed, because apparently God is really pissed. He responded thusly to the story: "I'd like to say to the good citizens of Dover: If there is a disaster in your area, don't turn to God. You just rejected him from your city."

He then added: "God is tolerant and loving, but we can't keep sticking our finger in his eye forever. If they have future problems in Dover, I recommend they call on Charles Darwin. Maybe he can help them."

Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't God also create these natural disasters that lead the people to call on Him? Or is that his niece Mother Nature's department? And do people ever really call on Charles Darwin, or do they simply cite his work? Oh ye Darwin, help me in this time of need.

More importantly, should I take these latest comments in the same manner as the time Robertson said feminism encourages women to "kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians"? Because lesbians is cool.

Bring in Gene Parmesan for Sweeps

Seemingly awful news for my fellow Arrested Development bretheren from today's TV Guide entertainment news report:

"DEPRESSING DEVELOPMENT: [The lickbags at] Fox all but confirmed late Thursday that Arrested Development has been canceled. Not only is the show being pulled off the air until Dec. 5, but Arrested's third-season order has been slashed from 22 episodes to just 13. (Arrested's Monday-night companion Kitchen Confidential is also cooked.) And how's this for stomach-churning irony: the Bluth's got the hook the same day that ABC extended a full-season order to Freddie."

What's incredibly sad about this grim news is that the show just aired a one-hour masterpiece this past week, one that should have sealed a Best Supporting Actor Emmy for the kid who plays George Michael. Fucking sweeps, you be the devil that made The West Wing air a crappy live debate and forced the hand of Fox execs to remove the greatest non-Seinfeld comedic series of all-time from its otherwise awful lineup of shows. As the suicidal running back in The Last Boy Scout says, "Aint' life a bitch?"

But the fault, Dear Brutus, lies not in our stars but in ourselves. How can a television show be considered "too smart" for people? This just might be the saddest indictment of American idiocy I've seen yet.

Slack Link of the Day: Let's give it up for this Lady of Multitasking -- "a young woman has robbed four Wachovia bank branches in Northern Virginia in recent weeks, all while seemingly immersed in cell phone chats, police say."

Slack Video of the Day: Here's a funny five-second video for the 12 hockey fans left on this celestial orb.

Slack Song of the Day: I'm feeling the need for a little virtuoso performance today, so I think it's time to post some Derek Trucks Band. Here's Key to the Highway (a song I can only picture Levon Helm singing), Spirit in the Dark and Everything is Everything from September 8, 2005 in Ferndale, Michigan.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

That's None of Your Business, Rupert

This screen grab isn't exactly what you think it is, but this did actually air on the fair and balanced network. Just remember, FOX News asks the tough questions when other cable news outlets are too afraid.

They're actually referencing this recent story about a case before the 9th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals. I thought I was a pretty liberal guy, but even I think this is a fairly ridiculous ruling. Maybe I'm wrong, or maybe I'm not up all the specifics (lotta ins, lotta outs), but asking first graders about their thoughts on sex seems a little unnecessary.

Shit, first grade? A first-grade teacher could probably reel off a sentence like "semen pussy cock Dirty Sanchez" and the students would respond gleefully "sailors cat rooster Spic who mows my parents' lawn" without so much as a childish giggle.

Yeah, I'm shocked too, those first-graders are fuckin' racist.

Dorsey No More

Sorry for the lack of posting, Slackers, but I'm workin' harder than a drunkard's bladder sphincter. That might be one of the best and worst improvisatory analogies I've ever generated.

So in lieu of any extraordinary witticisms or sardonic one-liners today, I'll leave you with one of my favorite comedic bits of all time. Show of hands, who here has seen transvetite British (but somehow by way of Yemen) comedian Eddie Izzard's Dress To Kill? If not, try to find it On Demand or In Demand, or even go so far as to rent it...I shit you not, it's one of the funnier 90-minute specials you'll ever see.

Eddie Izzard's part observation artist, part cultural and historical commentator. But he's all hilarious. My favorite bit, which never fails to produce from me an audible guffaw, is Izzard's take on Engelbert Humperdinck changing his name from Jerry Dorsey.

Obviously it's much better on the small screen than it appears on this online rag, but it should still hit you in the A1 Bold sections of the neck and face. Take it away, Eddie...

"His name changed from Jerry Dorsey to Englbert Humperdinck! I mean, I'd just like to be in the room when they were working that one through:

'Zinglebert Bambledack! Yingeebert Dangleban! Zanglebert Dingleback! Winglebert Humptiback! Slupbum Waller!'

'What?'

'Alright, Kringlebert Fishtibuns! Steveibuns Buttrentrunden...'

'No, Jerry Dorsey! I like...'

'No we can't... Let's see, we have Zinglebert Bambledack, Dinglebert Wangledack, Slupbum Waller, Klingibum Fistlbars, Dinglebert Zambeldack, uh... Jerry Dorsey, Englerbert Humptiback, Zinglebert Bambledack, Engelbert Humperdinck, Dinglebert Wingledank'

'No, no, go back one.'"

He then informs the audience Engelbert died earlier that day and alternates affirming this claim and denying it for the the next few minutes. I've seen it 10 times and it still makes me piss a little bit in mis pantalones cortos. Hope you enjoyed, go try and see it.

Slack Song of the Day: I haven't posted any Benevento/Russo Duo in a little while, so here's Becky and Best Reason to Buy the Sun from 10/1/05 in Eugene.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

The New & Improved Shocker

Hate condoms? You're not alone. But how much must you dislike their de-sensitizing effect that you'd be more willing to strap electrodes to your sack for a little shock therapy? That takes serious balls.

The best part of this article comes at the end: "[Dr. Bojovic] added: 'We are hoping to have a small battery powered version on sale in the shops in time for Xmas.'"

Allright, talk about your all-time greatest stocking stuffers for the holidays. Thanks, honey, now grab the red wire and jam it into my left nut, I'll take care of the green wire...

Quick Linkage

1. In a crazy turn of events, Chiefs' running back Priest Holmes may announce his retirement as early as this week, according to Kansas City's NBC Action News team. This may be a big story, but I'm more blown away that the scoop's title is "NBC Action News Sports Director."

JH: Hi, I'm Jack Harry.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Jack, what do you do?
JH: Oh, I'm the sports director over at NBC Action News.
Stranger: What's that?
JH: I'm the NBC Action News sports director.
Stranger: Go fuck yourself.

2. Noonan's got a couple of swell little links over at his nook today. If you haven't seen this week's Family Guy, and you didn't TiVo it, make sure to check out this FCC song they performed. But seriously, try to see this show if you haven't already -- the Osama bit that started the show is Classico pasta sauce.

Also, apparently Cracked Magazine is still in existence (flash back to elementary school), and they've put together a somewhat funny parody of ESPN.com. It's really only funny because of the Skip Bayless dig, but that's worth it right there.

3. Here's a hilarious note from last night's Pistons/Kings game in Sac-Town: "When the Detroit Pistons were introduced before Tuesday night's game, the Arco Arena scoreboard flashed images of abandoned buildings, burned-out cars - nearly every outdated, offensive stereotype of their hometown."

Players and coaches alike expressed outrage at the move, and the Kings promptly apologized for their actions. I don't know what's worse, the fact that people are angry at something so monumentally clever or that the Kings felt compelled to issue a half-hearted apology. I think we need more of this in professional sports, not less. It's part of the home-field advantage, or at least it should be.

How great would it be if you went to the Jets/Dolphins game and they showed a montage of old Jews sending back soup and Cubans rafting onto the shore. Or if the New Orleans Hornets came to MSG, we could show colored folks stranded on their rooves, looters pillaging the stores, topless drunken white chicks puking in the corner, all to songs off Dylan and The Band's Before the Flood.

The possibilities are absolutely endless. I'm tellin' ya, we need to make sports a lot more like Baseketball.

4. This story is too good not to be re-printed in full: "Compelling explanations: Neelesh Phadnis, 24, acting as his own lawyer, earned himself a conviction in Seattle in October for killing his parents, in large part (according to a Seattle Times story) because of his defense that the crimes were committed by, first, a gang of 400-pound Samoans, later augmented during his testimony to include their girlfriends, two whites, two blacks, a Native American and a transsexual, and later still, to be described as more than 30 armed Samoans." [More]

Samoaaaans, do the humpty hump, c'mon and do the humpty hump.

5. Bartolo Colon won the AL Cy Young Award? Really, that fat shit? This was Mariano's award to win, and I'll leave it at that. Look at his year. Mo was robbed like Pettitte in '96.

Play It, Leo

Ladies and gentlemen...Mr. Page McConnell. He lives.

For the encore of Trey's show at the Roseland Ballroom, a new duo called "Halfway There" debuted with three old and familiar tunes. You can read all about it right here.

The Chairman of the Boards and the Bad Lieutenant, back in action -- always a great time. I'd be remiss if I didn't point out a great guest appearance by John Medeski for the second encore, the 900th time I've seen him on stage this year. I love when good things happen.

Slack Song of the Day: In honor of last night's pleasantness, here's the always tender Strange Design from the epic 12/31/95 New Year's show at Madison Square Garden.

Slack Anniversary of the Day: 11/9/98 doubles as one of the best concerts I've ever attended and the very last time I ate mushrooms. I may grow old, I may get Alzheimer's, but there is no way in hell I'll ever forget this night as long as I'm on this here Earth.

There's nothing quite like vomiting up some food poisining next to the ketchup and mustard dispensers next to the concessions stand and having a random hippie pat you on the back and say, "Happened to me in Vegas, man, happened to me in Vegas." I love this world.

(Thanks to danfun for these pics.)

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Random Thought du Jour

In the elevator up to the cafeteria, I caught a brief snippet of the latest Campbell's Chunky Soup commercial with closeted bald man Donovan McNabb and his mother. But the volume was turned way down, so I couldn't hear what they were saying.

This latest installment of this Cleo award-winning campaign not only features McNabb and his mater, but also running back Brian Westbrook and another Eagle (I didn't get a good look before the doors opened, I just caught the #36). Since I couldn't hear what they were saying, it got me thinking about what they might be talking about in this new mersh. Here's what I put together:

McMom: Donovan, child, eat yo' Chunky Soup.
McNabb: Allright, Moms.
McMom: Brian and the other guy, din' yo' moms tell you to eat'cho Chunky Soup when youse was boys?
Westbrook: Well, Mrs. McNabb, my mom got killed in a knife fight with my Uncle JJ when I was 9, and my dad's been in jail since I was born. So I grew up in a foster home with a rich white couple that fed me and my sister nothing but lobster bisque or shark fin soup whenever we asked for Chunky.
McMom: Oooh, child, summertime and the livin' is easy!
Don Pardo: Campbell's Chunky Soooup: What you should eat if you're not rich, your mother's not dead and your father's not in jaaaail.

That's not even funny, and it's definitely a little racist. But I wanted to give y'all an unprecedented glimpse into how my mind works when I'm getting lunch and the elevator television's on mute.

I'm out of here in 30 minutes, Slackers...Handstand the Elder and I are off to a taping of The Daily Show, then we're running a few blocks east to the Trey Anastasio Affirmative Funtime Band show at the Roseland Ballroom. Good times ahead.

It's funny, seven years ago tonight Trey was playing world-class stuff in Chicago with that old band and I was rockin' out in the crowd (Been Caught Stealin' -- are you kiddin' me?!). Tonight, he'll be playing poppy tunes with a bunch of scrubs, and I'll be partially rockin' out and partially thinking of ways to make fun of him on the Internets. My my, what a difference seven years makes.

Follow-Up: El Bano Sexy Time

The Smoking Gun is there. The Smoking Gun is always there.

By popular demand, here's the latest on the two Carolina Panthers cheerleaders caught fisting and fist-fighting in a bar bathroom.

No, no, here's the latest latest...

The Greatest American Video

This video was yesterday's Link of the Day, so I'm sure most of you have already viewed it. But I felt the need to extract it and paste it in its own post, because when the world is beating you down, you can always come here and watch it repeatedly.

Besides, if you don't stop by and laugh at this thing at least three times today, the terrorists win. And not only do the terrorists win, but the old school Russians do too. And maybe the Libyans. But definitely the terrorists and the commies. So watch it...for the keeeds:

Senior year in college, we coerced our buddy Mitchell VergerDartz III to plunk down 20 American dollars for an awesome compilation of the funniest of America's Funniest Home Videos.

Some were spine-tinglingly hilarious, some elicited not much more than a lame snicker. But one home video was so pee-pantsingly hysterical, we rewound it about 100 times and remained in a lingering state of doubled-over laughter for minutes at a time.

And wouldn't you know it, after years without seeing the clip, I came across it today on the world wide web. Now the quality of this video isn't very good, so imagine just how funny this thing would be if it were crystal clear.

Without spoiling the clip, keep an eye on the running kid, but I implore you to pay close atttention to the reaction of guy in the back row of the stands right in front of the camera: priceless. I hereby give you, the greatest amateur video ever recorded.

Slack Song of the Day: Tickets for December's Railroad Earth show at the Bowery Ballroom are now on sale...I haven't bought mine yet, but I'll surely be in attendance. Here are a couple tunes from their last Bowery performance on May 21: Long Way to Go, Colorado, Mighty River and the old From Good Homes tune I am a Mess.