Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Chuck Norris Responds

A while back, a clever Internets denizen created the Random Vin Diesel Fact Generator, and I posted the ensuing hilarity here.

Since that era, someone or something decided that Chuck Norris would make a funnier Random Facts target, and I can't say I wholly disagree. The guy is a laugh-inducing classic.

I mean, there's not much in the name of comedy that's funnier than this: "If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death."

Sadly, the mainstream media picked up the Chuck Norris Random Facts story, and like the Dad who comes in doing the cabbage patch and trying to be cool, they spoiled the kickin' party. Now Chuck's aware of the shennanigans, and he's pissed. Roundhouses to the jaw for every 'net geek out there.

Nah, actually he's pretty cool about the whole thing, as he should be. He's even responded to the Random Facts on the Current Events section of his poorly executed website:

"I'm aware of the made up declarations about me that have recently begun to appear on the Internet and in emails as 'Chuck Norris facts.' I've seen some of them. Some are funny. Some are pretty far out. Being more a student of the Wild West than the wild world of the Internet, I'm not quite sure what to make of it. It's quite surprising. I do know that boys will be boys, and I neither take offense nor take these things too seriously. Who knows, maybe these made up one-liners will prompt young people to seek out the real facts as found in my recent autobiographical book, 'Against All Odds?' They may even be interested enough to check out my novels set in the Old West, 'The Justice Riders,' released this month. I'm very proud of these literary efforts. ~ Chuck Norris"

Chuck Norris, always a good-humored cat. I heard he was even scheduled to play Dorothy Zbornak's husband Stan on the original Golden Girls pilot before Herb Edelman knocked him out cold with a rubber phallus and stole the part with his brilliant acting.

Just another random fact about Chuck Norris. Got any more?

13 Comments:

At 12:51 PM, Blogger PaulNoonan said...

Gillette uses samples of Chuck Norris's beard to sharpen their razor blades.

 
At 12:52 PM, Blogger MDS said...

Chuck Norris doesn't read Slack LaLane, he just stares at it until he gets the information he desires.

My all-time favorite dialogue from The Office:

"You know when [Bruce Lee is] fighting Chuck Norris in Enter the Dragon?"
"No."
"You not seen that?"
"No."
"Have you not, I can’t... that is a classic."
"No, I’ve not seen him fight Chuck Norris in Enter the Dragon, I’ve seen him fight Chuck Norris in Way of the Dragon."
"Ah, that’s what I meant, that's what I meant."
"Is it? Why did you say have you seen him fight Chuck Norris in Enter the Dragon? He fights Bob Wall in both, but Norris is only in Way of the Dragon."
"Yeah, I know, so when he’s fighting Chuck Norris-"
"In what?"
"In Way of the Dragon.
"Correct. At last."

 
At 1:05 PM, Blogger jakezebra said...

Who knows, maybe these made up one-liners will prompt young people to seek out the real facts as found in my recent autobiographical book, 'Against All Odds,' which has been likened to Siddhartha, except with more front kicks.

 
At 1:59 PM, Blogger Russell Kahn said...

Here's my take on it:

This response, posted on Chucknorris.com, attempts to convince people to read his book, which Chuck puts in quotes. That is, apparently, "Against All Odds?"

Why is it a question? Even if he meant to put the question mark outside the quotation, the whole sentence isn't a question anyway.

So, basically, I read something Chuck Norris wrote for the first time in my life--and he instantly persuaded me never to read anything of his again. Well done.

Roudhouse kick yourself in the head, Chuck.

 
At 3:17 PM, Blogger hoobs said...

Chuck Norris is so strong that Sidekicks co-star Jonathan Brandis only needed to mentally picture a Norris-roundhouse to commit suicide.

What? Too soon?

 
At 3:26 PM, Blogger Momentary Academic said...

I don't know much about Chuck Norris, but I do know this:

You'll have a good time out West, Ace.

Catch you on the flip side.

 
At 3:59 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

"Chuck Norris is so strong that Sidekicks co-star Jonathan Brandis only needed to mentally picture a Norris-roundhouse to commit suicide."

Too fucking soon.

--Matthew/Martha

P.S. Mousey stink-fingered Bunny Cody.

 
At 4:14 PM, Blogger Alex Fritz said...

"We have a letter here from a 'Drugs'."

"Drugs Delaney?"

"How many people named 'Drugs' do you actually know?"

 
At 6:52 PM, Anonymous handstand said...

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

 
At 7:05 AM, Blogger Seyeko said...

"Chuck Norris is so strong that Sidekicks co-star Jonathan Brandis only needed to mentally picture a Norris-roundhouse to commit suicide."

I miss Sequest DSV :(

 
At 5:05 PM, Anonymous handstand said...

Chuck Norris was supposed to be the star of the hit show 24. They opted for Kiefer Sutherland when they realized Chuck Norris could save America in about ten minutes.

(I stole that from someone else but it is high-larious)

 
At 3:16 PM, Anonymous handstand said...

David Hasselhoff was not actually born from his mother. Chuck Norris shat him out when he ate Hasselhoff's mom for dinner.

- handstand

 
At 3:21 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

If your ever on a date with Chuck Norris, and he says "let me show you a trick", run for your life.

 

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