Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Lost: My Balls

So...how was your night, Slackers? Did you watch another riveting episode of television's hottest drama, 24? Maybe you tuned into some classic college hoops on Big Monday. Rangers/Flyers? Hell, perhaps many of you actually made it out of the house last night, grabbed a beer and threw some darts.

Me? No, I did none of those things. My philosophy is why waste an evening wearing a set of testicles when you can instead sit on the couch with a gabby trio of fallopian tubers watching the following list of programs from 8 to 11:30:

Blow Out > InStyle Celebrity Weddings > The Gauntlet (Real World-Road Rules Challenge) > The Bachelor: Paris > Sex and the City.

Let me flash you a sneak review of last night's festivities...I walked in to the Lock Up game, where each of the girls, in a fantasy sports kind of draft, locks up two or three celebrities that their friends can't fuck should they ever run into the famous fella.

What a ridiculously female thing to do. I mean, seriously, if Mary-Louise Parker found my bestest friend in a bar and asked him upstairs for some slobknobbity or a quick lay (and it would be pretty quick), I'd high five him so hard there'd be permanent metacarpal damage.

Then, during the second program of the night, the cowgirl announced she'd developed the goose bumps during one of the celebrity weddings (I think Jason Priestly and his wife's), just watching his beautiful bride walk down the aisle. And as the couple leaned in to kiss at the altar, their first as a married couple, the conversation went like this:

Girl 1: "That kiss was nice. But I think he could have moved in just a little bit slower."
Girl 2: "True, and it could have been a little more lippy."
Other two girls: "A lot more lippy."
Girl 3: "But no tongue at the church."
Other two girls: "Noooo tongue, never."
Girl 1: "She really looks gorgeous, that dress is beeeeautiful."
Girl 2: "And look at that rock!"
Other two girls: "She's soooo lucky."

Let me insert here, these are super-chill fuckin' girls, some top-notch ladies. These aren't the gossip-mongering, jappy chicks from Lawn Gisland -- these are the cool ones! I've seen elements of this before, but last night's scene kind of rocked me to my core.

If the hip girls are behaving like this, what's going on today at the nail salon in Syosset in the aftermath of this morning's Oscar nominations? I bet it's mayhem, and I'd wager big bucks someone's cuticles get fucked up in an argument over whether Jake Gyllenhaal pronounces his name with a soft "g" or a hard one. Then all the patrons will start to make out when they realize they used Jake Gyllenhaal and "hard" in the same sentence. Then the pillowfights will begin.

So someone really needs to air-mail me a sack of nuts today. I prefer large. Send 'em, I'm the pretty easy-to-find eunuch.

(Update: Immediately after posting this tale of woe, I walked over to the bathroom and bumped into Sir Charles Barkley. I think the gods are trying to get the testosterone back into my system.)

Slack Link of the Day: This game may be easy for some of you, difficult for others. The good thing is that the owners and patrons of this here rag don't judge. Can you survive 18 Seconds?

Slack Video of the Day: A rampaging bull jumped into the stands and charged at some spectators in Mexico City. If you missed it on television, you can check out some video here.

Slack Song of the Day: The live music blogs missed a piece of stupendous news last week -- The Greyboy Allstars announced a 21-show, coast-to-coast tour, the band's first full run with the original lineup in seven years. Eventually they'll also get their asses back to the studio and record an album, their first in nine years.

Excitement brews: A band that can play this kind of music should be on everyone's radar. The saxomaphonist for that outfit started up Karl Denson's Tiny Universe after GBA parted ways like the Zack Attack. They're pretty good, and I recommend 'em highly, though I'm much more excited about the oncoming GBA tour.

So from the 2005 High Sierra Music Festival, here's KDTU on Good For You (and Me), Satisfied and Groovy Thing.

21 Comments:

At 10:34 AM, Blogger Alex Fritz said...

Damn, that's one addicting game. 14.98 seconds.

I laid in bed and played Tiger Woods 2K4 with The Lady Friend. Sounds like it was a lazy Monday night across most of America. God bless you, lat January.

 
At 11:01 AM, Anonymous Scotty B said...

Hey Ace invite me over next time. I like girls. I like Real World/RR challenges. Did I mention I like girls

:)

 
At 11:22 AM, Blogger MDS said...

So how exactly is your single life superior to married life?

 
At 11:30 AM, Anonymous Rashid Muhammad said...

23 seconds is my escapa record. The dude that turned me onto it got up to 28. That is freaking insane. The first 10 seconds are a gimmie though.

Also, I felt my balls shrinking watching 24 last night during a certain exchange between Jack and Audrey. Fortunately we got to see one of Jack's world famous interrogations and I was carrying boulders again.

 
At 12:24 PM, Anonymous chad h said...

Two tries and got 27.656, and 27.875 respectfully. Nice game, thanks for the time killer!

 
At 12:29 PM, Anonymous chad h said...

Update, 3rd try 35.047. Missed 24 last night...TiVo is a great thing!

 
At 12:32 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Late January, only thing worse in the entire month of February. It's cold, it's dark, there are NO meaningful sports, and worst of all, it's black history month.

Scotty, you got it, bud. Next time, Gadget.

And Rashid, I'm almost over 24 at this point, so it's not like I care that much anyway. This season is really struggling in my opinion...when I'm watching it, my adrenaline ain't pumping at all. We'll see, maybe I'll catch it tonight and feel differently after the "Whoooo are yoooou working foooor?" interrogation.

 
At 1:33 PM, Anonymous en regalia said...

spending more time here now that ive been accused one last time at being a mentally emasculated being (lacking logic) at a will be remaining nameless forum. i gotta ask Ace....was this your apartment? i would not wanna chase off hahtties, but this would have to be a foot down kind of stance here. i have to confess, i could not even read the dialogue you took time to type, to have had to watch that would have led to symptoms related to tourette's jesus christ :twitch twitch:: FUCK YOU :twitch: id have twitched over the entire console within the first half hour. sedate me and suck my cock and i might have made it through another 30 minutes...you sir, are a titan

 
At 1:34 PM, Blogger burningoak.com said...

First Try: 0.645
Second Try: 19.046

good stuff.

 
At 1:39 PM, Anonymous cinnamon girl said...

One can always count on the good doctor to provide his own brand of comedic wisdom. ::looks up at en regalia::


Seriously, Ace, I'm laughing way too hard at the "fallopian tubers" reference. I don't watch any of those shows (except Sex and the City) but could see myself getting caught up in that sort of marathon. The combination is lethal to women's brains...

 
At 1:54 PM, Anonymous en regalia said...

rut roh shaggy there are grrrrls in these parts.

::cues the 2000 year old man::

http://comedycollege.publicradio.org/archive/reiner_and_brooks.shtml

:maury, there are ladies here:

"Joan of Arc? "Know her? I went with her!" Robin Hood? "Lovely Man. Ran around the forest. Took from everybody and kept it. But he had a good press agent." Jesus? "A quiet lad, used to come into the store with these twelve other guys. Never bought anything. Asked me for some water once."


"id rather have a rotten nectarine than a fresh plum any day"

 
At 1:56 PM, Anonymous en regalia said...

http://comedycollege.publicradio.org/
archive/reiner_and_brooks.shtml

try that again

 
At 2:01 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

ER, your streak of Tazmanian Devilling your way onto the blog/nameless forum and spewing crap is unprecedented. I mean, who's got time to listen to a 29-minute comedy show that probably ceased being funny in the early 70s?!

And no, bud, it was an away game, I did not hold the remote at any point in time. But like I said, three very cool chicks, it just happened to be "girl night" in the apartment and I played witness.

Welcome welcome, Cinny Girl...good to have you with us.

 
At 2:09 PM, Anonymous cinnamon girl said...

Glad to be here, Mr. Cowboy. Thanks for allowing me, a female (gasp), to join in the fun... ;)

And I'm sure ER is okay with me being here too, seeing as he is usually curious about my doorbell and whether or not anyone has rang it.

 
At 2:28 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

unprecedented.....i dunno ed zachary how to take that, but im taking black history month off and snuggling up with huey P...

and BTW i just listened to the 2000 year old man portion of that link...only 12 minutes or so and about pissed myself anyhow, def stands the test of time...

you only have to get to about 2 minutes to get to the "ladies" part that is IMO worthy

am i being accused of having the equiv of cyber ADD? guilty as charged...all the same, I like to think I assimilate things lightening quick like and encourage others to do so.

would not want to pollute the blogosphere with too many fluffernutters

 
At 3:06 PM, Anonymous Rashid Muhammad said...

Dude? Are we watching the same show?I guess I can understand how you feel early in the season because you know that by the time we hit episode 18 none of it will matter anyway. Kind of like an NBA game once it hits the 4th quarter.

Still, it's a great ride, and it's cool to watch Palmer's peeps work together to get to the bottom of what's going on.

 
At 5:21 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

ER, I got yo' back...I enjoy your mind, don't read too much into my admonishment of your whirling dervish style.

Rashid, I don't know man, I'm just not into like I used to be. For the first few seasons, I'd be on the edge of my seat for 44 minutes. These days, I'm sending emails, I'm scoffing at shitty dialogue, I'm laughing loudly at some horrific story lines (COME ON, that kid should NOT have gone into the airport). Is it still better than 80% of the crap on TV? Absolutely. Is it a shell of its former self? You know it.

 
At 12:28 AM, Anonymous Rashid Muhammad said...

I'm of the opinion that it both hit its apex and jumped the shark in season 2, but it's the only thing that I watch on TV so maybe my perspective is a bit warped.

 
At 4:51 AM, Blogger ismateo said...

hey Ace, i'm seeing the GBA show this Thursday. excited as all shit, too. I'm just hoping KD doesn't, you know, sing. that much. i mean, that cat can blow his horn like none other - he just needs to stick to it! ... i'll do my best to post a review.

 
At 9:00 AM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Nice, dude, make sure to get in touch and let me know how that goes...I have a feeling I might be away the weekend they play in NYC, but I reeeeally wanna see 'em. Only caught them once, in the spring of 1998.

Funny words about KD -- after I went to Langerado last year, I gave a review on here, and this is what I said about him:

"I'm a notoriously good grader, but I wouldn't give a single band we saw this weekend less than an A-minus. Well, maybe I'll give Karl Denson's Tiny Universe a B+ because Denson just refuses to play the saxomaphone these days -- he's one of the greatest sax players around, yet he'd rather sing and play the flute or cowbell while dancing to his awesome band. C'mon, Karl, yer better than that."

Enough Karl...stop sucking, just blow.

 
At 3:56 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

i've been playing that game for a while its called escapa and my record is 32.641 seconds(thats more than the guy on youtube.com that got 31.495, to get there go to youtube and type in escapa then scroll down).I've found a technique for the first 13 secs go up the the very top left corner, it will last until about 13 when a block comes at you.

 

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