Lost: My Balls
So...how was your night, Slackers? Did you watch another riveting episode of television's hottest drama, 24? Maybe you tuned into some classic college hoops on Big Monday. Rangers/Flyers? Hell, perhaps many of you actually made it out of the house last night, grabbed a beer and threw some darts.
Me? No, I did none of those things. My philosophy is why waste an evening wearing a set of testicles when you can instead sit on the couch with a gabby trio of fallopian tubers watching the following list of programs from 8 to 11:30:
Blow Out > InStyle Celebrity Weddings > The Gauntlet (Real World-Road Rules Challenge) > The Bachelor: Paris > Sex and the City.
Let me flash you a sneak review of last night's festivities...I walked in to the Lock Up game, where each of the girls, in a fantasy sports kind of draft, locks up two or three celebrities that their friends can't fuck should they ever run into the famous fella.
What a ridiculously female thing to do. I mean, seriously, if Mary-Louise Parker found my bestest friend in a bar and asked him upstairs for some slobknobbity or a quick lay (and it would be pretty quick), I'd high five him so hard there'd be permanent metacarpal damage.
Then, during the second program of the night, the cowgirl announced she'd developed the goose bumps during one of the celebrity weddings (I think Jason Priestly and his wife's), just watching his beautiful bride walk down the aisle. And as the couple leaned in to kiss at the altar, their first as a married couple, the conversation went like this:
Girl 1: "That kiss was nice. But I think he could have moved in just a little bit slower."
Girl 2: "True, and it could have been a little more lippy."
Other two girls: "A lot more lippy."
Girl 3: "But no tongue at the church."
Other two girls: "Noooo tongue, never."
Girl 1: "She really looks gorgeous, that dress is beeeeautiful."
Girl 2: "And look at that rock!"
Other two girls: "She's soooo lucky."
Let me insert here, these are super-chill fuckin' girls, some top-notch ladies. These aren't the gossip-mongering, jappy chicks from Lawn Gisland -- these are the cool ones! I've seen elements of this before, but last night's scene kind of rocked me to my core.
If the hip girls are behaving like this, what's going on today at the nail salon in Syosset in the aftermath of this morning's Oscar nominations? I bet it's mayhem, and I'd wager big bucks someone's cuticles get fucked up in an argument over whether Jake Gyllenhaal pronounces his name with a soft "g" or a hard one. Then all the patrons will start to make out when they realize they used Jake Gyllenhaal and "hard" in the same sentence. Then the pillowfights will begin.
So someone really needs to air-mail me a sack of nuts today. I prefer large. Send 'em, I'm the pretty easy-to-find eunuch.
(Update: Immediately after posting this tale of woe, I walked over to the bathroom and bumped into Sir Charles Barkley. I think the gods are trying to get the testosterone back into my system.)
Slack Link of the Day: This game may be easy for some of you, difficult for others. The good thing is that the owners and patrons of this here rag don't judge. Can you survive 18 Seconds?
Slack Video of the Day: A rampaging bull jumped into the stands and charged at some spectators in Mexico City. If you missed it on television, you can check out some video here.
Slack Song of the Day: The live music blogs missed a piece of stupendous news last week -- The Greyboy Allstars announced a 21-show, coast-to-coast tour, the band's first full run with the original lineup in seven years. Eventually they'll also get their asses back to the studio and record an album, their first in nine years.
Excitement brews: A band that can play this kind of music should be on everyone's radar. The saxomaphonist for that outfit started up Karl Denson's Tiny Universe after GBA parted ways like the Zack Attack. They're pretty good, and I recommend 'em highly, though I'm much more excited about the oncoming GBA tour.
So from the 2005 High Sierra Music Festival, here's KDTU on Good For You (and Me), Satisfied and Groovy Thing.