Monday, January 30, 2006

My Awkward Saturday Cab Ride

"Hey," my proudly Dominican taxi driver shouted at me after a few minutes of total silence. "Lemme ask you sumthin', mang."

"Who, me?" I asked surprised, simply because New York taxi drivers are always reaching out telephonically to friends and loved ones (and I'd like to take this aside to Seinfeldingly ask, "What's the deal with these cabbies? I mean, what kind of minute plan are these guys on?").

My temporary driver started in again: "How it make ju feel when you see a goo-lookin' girl...with a black guy?!"

Let me state for the record, had you queried me beforehand as to the subject matter of the driver's imminent question, I would have guessed Hepatitis C, Argentinian cockfighting, Hall and Oates or the '55 Dodgers over interracial dating.

"Gee, wow. Um, I'm pretty sure I'm okay with it," I quivered back, nearly suggesting I could be swayed if given the right argument. "In this day and age, I'm cool with it."

"Well I'm not okay with it, mang. See that couple on the corner, [ese]? What she possibly see in that race? They ugly, they stupid. She can do muuush better."

At first I couldn't even manage as much as a timid response to his statements of questionable validity, trying to weather the Katrina-esque storm. Am I on some sort of taxicab confessional show? Am I being baited? I thought about making a phone call, to assure the conclusion of this awkdwardness personified, but then I figured, "Eh, why not see where this goes? Could be interesting."

"How do you figure?" I shot back, now in a confident tone that begged for an even more intense brand of overt racism.

"I don't know, mang. I just don't think those guys got brains like we do," he began. "I think they all got mush smaller brains. Like mosquitos or sumthin'," he added before trailing off in a laugh filled with the richness of racial profiling.

"I think you're just making a sweeping generalization," I retorted, secretly hoping the phrase sweeping generalization would be too polysyllabic for the big-brained brad driving the cab.

"I got four grocery stores, mang, and in every one, the blacks come in and start trouble, make the same mistakes, make trouble. They do crime and druuugs. What's they problem?"

"Well, I don't know, but all races have a percentage that are criminals and that have drug problems, white, black..." At that point, I wanted to say Latino, or Hispanic, but I didn't know which word to use. Instead, I said "Even Dominicans and Puerto Ricans and Mexicans." Whew, labeling crisis averted.

"But the blacks are such a minority and yet they all criminals, they all no good" he said more matter-of-factly than "The sky is blue."

"Again, I think you're generalizing a little." To that, he laughed, and he contemplated his next move.

"I like the white youth, I proud of the white youth," he said plainly. "They use cabs and they really respec'ful. I pick up black people, and they want the radio up loud, they yellin' out the window, they stick up the cabs, they bother me. Now I no pick up blacks, and all fourteen thousand cab drivers feel the same way, they all have the same experience. Look at that black guy on that corner, watch how many open cabs drive right by him. He's prolly no good."

Thankfully I had arrived at my destination at the exact second, and the uncomfortableness could finally cease. The driver made sure to cross to the far corner to drop me off, stopping right in front of a young, white male.

I gave him $7 and wished him luck, hoping upon hope he'd just picked up a caucasian con artist who'd steal all the driver's money and crash his cab after a long, damaging joyride. Instant karma.

Slack Link of the Day: I personally thought last night's new Family Guy was far less than stellar, though there were some serious Brian/Stewie highlights. I especially thought the ridiculous Shipoopi segment was way too long and not so funny, until I found out it's a real song, a number from The Music Man.

That makes it somewhat less of a waste of my time, but not by much. Still, I cannot believe that's a real song. For proof, check out the lyrics and a sample of the real Shipoopi.

Slack Video of the Day: The other day I posted a link to everyone's favorite douchebottle Kevin Federline breakin' it down in the studio to his miserably produced ass-shaker PopoZao. Well, as usual, the Internet denizens have spiced it up, and the remix is nothing short of classic: It's peanut butter jelly time in the studio.

Slack Song of the Day: Five good tunes, no band names to put preconceived notions in your head -- Mystery Song #1, Mystery Song #2, Mystery Song #3, Mystery Song #4, Mystery Song #5.


At 10:46 AM, Blogger ethan said...

is it just me, or does k-fed's single have exactly 1 verse? seriously, it's just 1 line longer than a haiku, no?

At 10:55 AM, Blogger MDS said...

I didn't like Family Guy last night either, but sometimes when I don't like Family Guy I think there are just a bunch of obscure references I'm not getting. For instance, I didn't know that was a real song.

At 11:01 AM, Blogger dhodge said...

How weird is this: I had no knowledge of the song Shipoopi until I heard it on "A Prarie Home Companion" on Sunday afternoon. I couldn't believe it when I head it again a few hours later on "Family Guy". I agree, last night's show was rather disappointing.

At 11:28 AM, Blogger Kenny Alias said...

Just out of curiosity Ace, how much of that 7 bucks did you tip that cabby?

Did you give him a lousy "you're a racist" tip?

Or did you give him a standard 15-20% "your an idiot for being racist, but I respect your first amendment right to racist speach" tip?

At 11:33 AM, Blogger MDS said...

Or did you give him a 35% "you just gave me a great blog post" tip?

At 11:34 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sounds like you had a real cholo for a cabbie.
For Family Guy, I know the song, but the bit was too long. Not one of the better episodes. However, when Stewie was beating the shit out of Brian, I thought that was great.

At 12:03 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Good point, Alias...but no matter how good or bad the cab ride is, I usually tip the same amount: rounded up to the next dollar.

So if a cab is $5.20 or $5.80 or $6, the guy is getting $7. Some get lucky and get a big tip, some get "stuck" with only a dollar tip. It all evens out. If I really like a guy's route or his worldview after a nice conversation, maybe I'll throw in an extra bone.

DHodge, weird story...I love it when shit like that happens. I have a decent story that I'll post later that is right along those lines (and if you didn't catch it the first time, check out the Huey Lewis Coincidence in the Best Of section >>>>).

Stewie and Brian are always funny. Always. Everyone else is hit or miss. Last night it was a big miss.

At 12:37 PM, Blogger the belligerent intellectual said...

Especially funny because I'm the guy telling the driver to change the radio station, yelling at people out the window, sticking up the cabbie and running away from the taxi without paying the fare. And I'm not even that tan.

At 1:16 PM, Blogger The Bourbon Samurai said...

Last night was a mixed bag-I thought Shipoopi was pretty hilarious, but I know the Music Man fairly well.

At 2:52 PM, Blogger Jacob Eli said...

Aren't the musical numbers in Family Guy always based on real songs?

At 3:27 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

This wasn't based on a real song, it was a real song. Usually they'll steal a musical tune or something, but this was 100% accurate.

At 10:17 PM, Blogger PaulNoonan said...

Lackluster family guy.

American Dad had an interesting little tidbit though. Last Friday I was listening to Penn Jilette's radio show. Why was I doing this?

1. I can't get A.M. in my building.

2. Music starts to repeat itself very quickly.

3. Penn is on the one FM talk station in Chicago.

4. The internet in my office has basically been destroyed. Ce n'est pas tres bien.

Penn's topic was non-cuss words that bug you. The consensus was "Moist." I must confess that "moist" does really bug me. Just an icky word.

Anyway, American Dad comes on, and they have an entire set of swear jars. You know, say a swear and put in a quarter. They're all individually labeled, and one of them says "Moist."

Who knew it was so wide spread?


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