Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Random Thoughts

Nothing especially funny, just some things I thought last night:

--People in New York are consistently amazed I don't eat sushi. It's not just that I don't like the food, it's that I feel like a fuckin' douchebottle when I order it. That's why I only eat California rolls. It's a state, it's easy. No directions, just bring me my simple order.

I feel bad for my friends and strangers at other tables when I hear them spout foolish shit to the waitron or take-out phone girl. I'm almost embarassed, for them and for me, like when you're with the drunk dude who's slurring speech and yelling at trash cans, and you start to separate yourself from the mess when people begin to look over at you. I, um, I'm not with him. That's how I feel like they order these ridiculously titled sushi rolls and follow up with things like "all inside out" and "extra crunchies."

Last night I watched my roommate Dorsey deliberate for 10 minutes, call the restaurant and ask for "two salmon cone-shaped handrolls, one tuna sashimi, one Baby Monster and a lobster roll with tempura flakes." (There was no 'and then'.)

He hung up and I snickered. I then informed him I would sooner slash at my face repeatedly with a machete than ever says the words "Baby Monster" and "tempura flakes" to a stranger on the phone. And that, my friends, is why I don't east sushi. I like my face too much.

--You know what, I don't think people should make fun of American Idol. It's a pretty cool concept. It makes somebody's life -- and not just any ol' somebody, it makes a great singer into a true superstar. Sure I don't enjoy pop music, but I'd much rather have 100 Kelly Clarksons out there than 100 Britney Spears (Britney should be in amateur porn, not the music business).

Look at Fantastia or Ruben or Kelly: These people were nothing, and then one day they were everything. I mean, Clay Aiken woke up every morning of his life and remembered he was a complete nobody. Three months later, he was in Brokeback Mountain. Beautiful story.

The show gives people hope, and I'm okay with that. And any time you're showing off talent, you're doing something right. I'm not a fan, but I endorse what they're accomplishing.

--Buffalo Sabres forward Mike Grier took a bad third-period penalty against the Rangers, and MSG Network flashed "Mike Grier - Interference - 2:00" in the usual spot.

I then thought, it might be alarmingly hilarious for a network to play some jokes on the league's black players: "Mike Grier - Second-Degree Assault - 2:00 to 5:00" or "Anson Carter - Possession of Cannibis - 4:20" or "Kevin Weekes - Receiving Stolen Goods - Life."

As for the Devils' Scott Gomez, "Driving a Low Rider" should suffice.

--The incredible thing is I continue to pretend I'm not racist. I guess we can chalk this one up to "I like comedy, but comedy's gotta have an edge." Still, is there any excuse to break off conversation with Dorsey so I can jot down thoughts like the one above?

He was in mid-sentence, and I literally interrupted him to say, "Hang on a sec, I just had a really racist thought I want to write down." Who does this? What kind of monster have I become?! Am I a Baby Monster? I'm blaming you lot.

Slack Video of the Day: There's an episode of Family Guy when Lois orders a relationship tape, which turns out to basically be a porn scam with a slutty doctor stripping on video. Apparently the shows cartoon artists took it from PG-13 to NC-17 without airing it, but the unaired nude scene's now making its way 'round the ol' Internets.

I'd say it's not safe for work, but it's a cartoon. Still, it'll make you blush, so use your own discretion.

Slack Link of the Day: Jackie McMullen penned an interesting letter to old and new GM Theo Epstein in the Boston Globe the other day, and it's truly a great piece. Sorry it took me four days to post, but I think you'll enjoy it, despite the timestamp.

Slack Song of the Day: Feeling somewhat uninspired this morning, I'm reverting to one of my first favorite bands, God Street Wine. From Halloween 1994 out in Colorado, here's Princess Henrietta, Imogene and Hammer and a Spike, as well as The Beatles' Dig a Pony and I've Got a Feeling.


At 2:07 PM, Blogger hoobs said...

Wait a minute. It's the names of sushi rolls that cause you to cringe, Ace? I've definitely seen you order Moons Over My Hammy at Dennys...with extra grease. How is ordering that any less d-bottley than ordering a Godzilla Roll? Kitschy American menu items are better than Japanese ones?

At 2:11 PM, Blogger MDS said...

I eagerly await Ace's response to hoobs' allegations. The only thing more humiliating than ordering Moons Over My Hammy is ordering Rooty Tooty Fresh & Fruity.

At 2:16 PM, Blogger jakezebra said...

Gotta agree with Ace here. When my retired Latino father first heard me order sushi, he thought it was so gay he beat me with a sweet piece of steel from Pittsburgh. Then we wept openly in front of a statue of John Denver. Little known fact about Denver, he died having taken exactly 3,000 bong hits.

At 2:25 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ace, I think you missed something major in the world today. Actor Chris Penn, brother to Sean Penn and loving brother-in-law to Robin Wright Penn, was found dead in his home. The causes are as of yet unknown.
I feel it is only appropriate to take a few seconds to mourn the man who played the Asian-hating cowboy in the classic 80's kung fu flick, Best of the Best. His "cameo" in the sequel, Best of the Best 2, is also worth a moment, albeit one much shorter than the first.

At 2:30 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

See above. I shat the bed and jumped the gun. Should've read further.

At 2:32 PM, Blogger ethan said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

At 2:33 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Duder, scroll down a post or two.

As for the allegations against me, I've never in my life ordered a Moons Over My Hammy. I have devoured many Grand Slams (with extra grease), but never the Moons.

Hoobs' charge is an out-and-out lie, and more than that, it's an affront on my character of the highest order. I demand a retraction of this heresy.

Zeebs, that comment's too good to be true. Stop being a genius over her.

At 2:38 PM, Blogger hoobs said...

i swear it was Moons. Have heard you order (or at least try) "Abusive Wings" and "Chicken Littles."

At 3:07 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Ok, yes, I have ordered both "Abusive Wings" and "Chicken Littles," but I also laughed so hard when I ordered it that the lady nearly hung up the phone on me.

I understand your point, and I semi-agree, but because I order the occasionally funny dish doesn't cancel out the fact that ordering sushi is ALWAYS an embarassing and awful process.

Baby Monster? Go fuck yourself.

At 4:42 PM, Blogger Momentary Academic said...

You're a sweetheart.

At 4:42 PM, Anonymous handstand said...

After I ate sushi for the first time, I decided it would be easier and cheaper to just go to the beach and seaweed out of the ocean. I might even score a snapper if I stick my head ni far enough.

At 6:05 PM, Blogger DannyNoonan said...

I'm totally with Ace on the sushi thing. I have the exact same problem. That and, being from Milwaukee, I prefer my seafood deep fried with tartar sauce and rye bread. For me the silly name thing is universal. I hate ordering at Starbuks because they have such stupid names for everything. I will absolutely not go to the third-tier big burrito joint on State Street--Mo's--because they have goofy names for burritos. Why call a burrito with chicken in it anything but a "chicken burrito"?

At 8:17 PM, Blogger PaulNoonan said...

Ah, I remember the good old days when I could read this at 7 am instead of 7 pm. Still, better late than never.

Maybe I'll start a Sushi place in your 'hood in which the rolls have racist names. Darkie rolls, and the like. Sloped tempura. I'd like them with redskins please. Might get you in the door. Or at least a prank phone order.

Big Mac. Whopper. Let's not forget Monster Thick Burger:

We all have silly names for our food. It unites us. Binds us together as a people, if you will. Think I'll go grab a twinkie, actually.

In closing, Sushi is delicious.

At 8:59 AM, Blogger jakezebra said...

More correctly P-noon, it's dericious.

At 9:30 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

If it aint cooked dont put it in fucking front of me. Mrs. Fluff loves the sush and I order the Chicken Teriyaki every time. Peace...


At 10:05 AM, Blogger Joey said...

I love Pearl Jam's version of "I've Got a Feeling"

At 10:16 AM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

It really is amazing how many bands do I've Got a Feeling...that might actually be the most covered Beatles tune these days. Well, maybe Norwegian Wood.

That makes for a good question -- what's your favorite Beatles cover and by what band?


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