Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Another Great Quotation

On the heels of this morning's footballer-traded-for-meat quote, here's a beauty from this torrid love affair between a man and a goat:

"A Sudanese man has been forced to take a goat as his 'wife,' after he was caught having sex with the animal...

'We have given him the goat, and as far as we know they are still together,' Mr Alifi said."

Find out what's going on in the next installment of our exciting miniseries, "Sudan man forced to 'marry' goat."

Don't Fuck with Me, Page Six

As part of Page Six's "We Hear" section, we find today's reason for optimism:

"THAT fans of Arrested Development can relax. Word is Showtime not only picked up the canceled Fox show but also ordered 26 more episodes..."

I swear to God (and I do mean Allah) I will slash editor Richard Johnson's face and hurl endless buckets of sulfuric acid in those new facial divots if this turns out to be another one of the white man's lies.

(It's also news to me that my friend Russ reads Page Six regularly.)

Meat the New Boss

We've been on a little bit of an American soccer/Everyone Else football kick here lately, and that'll continue this morning with the hilarious quotation below. Though I must interject, the following article is a lot less about soccer than it is about awful bartering skills.

(I mean, it sure is safer and easier to discuss a little soccer than something like "4 Disney Workers Accused Of Gang-Raping Woman.")

Some Dude over at Hits from the Blog sent me this fine article esta manana, a short piece out of Bucharest concerning the trade of an Eastern European soccer player. As the story goes, and I doubt this is all that uncommon, "Romanian second division soccer club UT Arad sold a player in exchange for 33 pounds of meat."

Here's the rub, though...Instead of honoring the trade, the player opted to retire and find a real job. His original team, miffed by the move, had this to say about the deal:

“We are upset because we lost twice — firstly because we lost a good player and secondly because we lost our team’s food for a whole week.” It just doesn't get any better than that quote.

Moving on...I haven't done this in a long while, but here are my ten favorite Google and Yahoo! search terms that brought people to this here rag over the past 24 hours.

1. I pooped my panties
2. Oprah Winfrey ejaculate
3. "So you've had men ejaculate in your face?"
4. Men ejaculating face Oprah
5. Taking the piss out of people
6. Chad Michael Murray circumsized
7. Hobo Joe Berger's amazing breakthrough
8. Next Stop Pottersville
9. Cowboy sex videos
10. Del Horno fault clip [soccer's bringin' in the int'l audience!]

Slack Link of the Day: From this Rolling Stone article, it appears Beck and Radiohead will be touring together this summer. I'm not a yuge fan of either, but I like and respect both acts, and I think that's just a can't-miss event.

Slack Video of the Day: The Meters, live in 1974

Slack Song of the Day: Well, February 28th has come 'round again, and every fan of the popular rock band Phish is cooing or crowing. On this day, three years ago, the Phish from Vermont took to the Nassau Coliseum stage and played either its best post-hiatus show or the most overrated show in the band's history, depending on which unshowered tour wook you ask.

Personally, and I'm biased because I was there, I'm in the former camp. The band played crisp, top-notch versions of staples like Tweezer, Birds of a Feather, Back on the Train, David Bowie and Harry Hood, threw down a wicked cover of Soul Shakedown Party coming out of Tweezer and, of course, busted out Destiny Unbound for the first time in more than a decade (or nearly 800 shows), then wrapped it all up with a funkin'-then-rockin' three-song encore.

This ain't the best sounding copy, but it's an audience recording, which for the Destiny's sake alone is cool enough. There's nothing like a soundboard, but I always love hearing the audience react to the first note of a tune. Happy anniversary, 2/28/03, despite what the haters say, I'll always love you. Olive juice. Give'r a whirl here.

Monday, February 27, 2006

This Just In...

For immediate release:

"Just before his departure from Torino's Winter Olympics, Bode Miller skinned three family cats, kicked a homeless septagenarian down the steps, spit gobs of phlegm at a tour group of 'slow children' and stabbed as few as two and as many as five pregnant Italian ladies with a rusty shiv covered in hepatitis.

And while unconfirmed to this reporter as of press time, Miller may have single-handedly ignited the looming civil war in Iraq by bombing a mosque and telling some Shiite clerics that the Sunnis stink-fingered all their women objects."

Are we done villifying this guy yet? Good lord, I think if he entered a post-Olympics Snowboard Cross race against Osama bin Laden the whole country would be rooting for Bode to fall and break an ankle.

In a bit of real breaking news, it looks like Bullets McCheney will be stepping down shortly after the midterm elections. You heard it here first, say hello to Vice President George Allen.

Like a Re-stitched Virgin

Prepare to read the strangest article you'll see this week:

"When Jeanette Yarborough decided to give her husband a gift for their seventeenth wedding anniversary she wanted it to be special. Really special. She decided that conventional treats such as Mediterranean cruises, gold watches, cars, a murder-mystery weekend, or even a boob job just weren’t going to cut it. She gave him something much more personal — and painful. Her virginity.

"Mrs. Yarborough paid $5,000 to a cosmetic surgeon to stitch her hymen back together so she could 'lose her virginity' all over again...

"'Now my sister is thinking of becoming a virgin again for her 45th birthday to surprise her husband.'"

I am speechless. I am without speech.

NYC: Green Apple Music Festival

Not quite what I was expecting in terms of sheer star power, but I'll take it, and I like it. Get seriously fired up for April, Slackers.

April 20th-23rd -- It's gonna be a rockin' weekend in the Large Apple.

Update: They took the official bands list down...But if you squint like a Chinaman you may still be able to make out the artists.

If you're too roundeye for your own good, here are my highlights off the now-rescinded preliminary list: Antibalas Afrobeat Orchestra, Assembly of Dust, Bela Fleck, Bill Frisell, Blues Traveler, Dan Bern, Deep Banana Blackout, Dweezil Zappa, Everyone Orchestra, Fab Faux, Kaki King, Little Feat, Max Creek, McCoy Tyner, NY Philharmonic, Particle, Perpetual Groove, Peter Frampton, Richie Havens, Savion Glover, Secret Machines, Slick Rick, Soulive, Steve Kimock, Tea Leaf Green, The Slip, Toots and the Maytals, Toubab Krewe, Umphrey's McGee and Zen Tricksters. Subject to change and additions, obviously...


Admittedly, this free web space of minor import is often teeming with the online equivalent of pointing and laughing. Tragic hurricanes, Schiavo surreality and the lameness of FDR's legs... none of it's ever really considered "too soon" here.

Slack LaLane's usually a sardonically callous jerkstore, a bastion of irreverence and incompetence and occasional incontinence. (Urinary only.) Every now and then, however, a story comes along that warms the cockles of even the coldest heart, a story you just have to see to believe. This is one of those stories:

I had planned to post that video a few days ago, but the footage was shown on ESPN, CNN, all the major networks and as many big-market newspapers as there are. Yet, even still, almost everyone I talked to about the story this weekend had not seen it. So now youse seen it. And like me, I hope at least some of you ladies cried like a bastard.

Just look at the crowd, the players, and the cheerleaders -- nobody has any idea what's going on, and rightfully so. Could you imagine being a high school senior, watching your team's coach plug the highly functioning autistic team manager into the game and witnessing him light up the other team with six three-pointers?

Dare I say...that's craisins. Simply craisins.

Slack Videos of the Day: While we're cupping YouTube's balls, here are some cool Premership compilation videos Donnie and I watched after Arsenal's disappointing loss to Blackburn this weekend: Steven Gerrard's Top 10 Goals & Frank Lampard: Midfield Maestro. Also check out Gerrard getting stiffed on a handshake by a little kid.

Slack Link of the Day: I feel like I've seen this before, but I just clicked on this essay and nearly hurt myself laughing -- Planes, Trains and Plantains: The Story of Oedipus. Holy lord, this is a must-read.

Slack Song of the Day: In honor of Mardi Gras' return, here's a cool show called the Mardi Gras All-Stars from 2/24/04 at BB King's in New York City. The MGAS are George Porter Jr., Eric Krasno, Ivan Neville, Jay Rodriguez and Russell Batiste, and if you recognize any of those names, you know this is some good shit. N'awlins, y'all. Just gotta love that Hey Pocky Way closer.

Friday, February 24, 2006

Derek and the Dominos Redux

It's Slowhand. It's Trucks. It's on. It's so on.

Wake me when they announce the 2006-07 tour of Los Estados Unidos. I have a feeling this'll be much better (though certainly less nostalgic and cool) than October's Cream shows at the Garden.

Ironic, Alanis-Style

You just can't make this shit up:

"Missouri-based H & R Block, noted for helping millions of Americans complete tax returns, says it got its own taxes wrong over the past two years. The company says it will have to restate results for fiscal years 2004 and 2005, mainly because of errors in calculating its state effective income tax rate."

Unrelatedly, I'd like to publicly wish Gypsy Rose a happy anniversary. For those who don't know, Gypsy was my one-time boss, and on this day two years ago, we shared this non-fluid exchange about our ultra-stubborn, "I'm never wrong" bossman:

Gypsy: "It's like arguing with a squirrel. You make a point, and he changes the topic."

Ace: "Um...do squirrels do that?"

I love that conversation. We had our own brand of fun. Geek chic.

Face Time

I'll grant you only one guess as to which talk show host asked this raunchy question in a taping of his/her show yesterday:

"So you've had men ejaculate in your face?"

a. Howard Stern
b. Dr. Ruth Westheimer
c. Opie & Anthony
d. Oprah Winfrey

If you answered (d), that lovable ol' slutbag Oprah Winfrey, then you guessed correctly. Just in time for February's sweeps, the darker shade of media mogul broke out the big guns, interviewing sex-addicted women who've had as many as 90 partners.

One woman, Jennifer, had this to say about a recent one-night stand: "I was at a cafe, and there was a guy there that I just decided that I wanted to have. Kind of like you walk into a bakery shop and you see an eclair, and that's the one you want."

How very Freudian, young lady. I'm thinkin' between the eclair and the one-nighter in question, this chick ended up with a ton of custardy goo all over her face. Yahtzee.

Slack Link of the Day: Speaking of famous black people, Dorsey and El Cantor sent me this the other day, and I laughed so hard I forgot to post it (or something like that). It's called "Top 10 Niggas in Sports Today" and it features one helluva great chart.

Slack News of the Day: I have no idea how I missed this story, nor how everyone I know spaced, but aparently Kevin Smith is coming out with a sequel to the always-hilarious Clerks. Our friend J$ over at Velvet Sea has the scoop and the trailer -- though there's no truth to the rumor they replaced the old Dante with Ricky Gervais.

Slack Song and Video of the Day: I've got friends who absolutely worship and adore Pavement's resident genius Stephen Malkmus. So this is mainly for the Malkmus fans out there, a cool-ass video of his song Baby C'mon.

Lastly, is this Match.com listing real or not real? Ladies, get on this. You'll love a first date on the 7 train, getting batteries tossed at your skull. Hey, beats a ffirst-class skullfucking.

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Master Biter

Kenny Alias sent over the following gem today, though I can't believe it took me this long to hear about the December incident:

"Lannie Lloyd Hendrickson, 24, was arrested in Bozeman, Mont., in December on charges that he aggressively bit two infants he was baby-sitting, ages 1 and 2, over their arms, shoulders and legs, because they would not fall asleep. According to police, Hendrickson said he could not recall how many times he bit each one, but did admit that he 'bit the shit out of them.'" [More]

Talk about biting the kid that feeds you. Personally, I think the defense should argue for leniency based on comedic value alone.

And I'll leave you with this video Coach just alerted me to, a strong piece of evidence why you should never put a cat on a leash.

Soccer & Lesbians

Donnie, Hoobs, Nickjimmy and I gathered after work yesterday to watch two of the best soccer teams in the world meet head-to-head in the first leg of the UEFA Cup Round of 16.

Much like American sports, the refs totally jobbed Chelsea by red-carding one of its defensemen early in the game. FC Barcelona evetually overcame a 1-0 deficit with two second-half goals, winning 2-1 and heading home for Leg 2. The first half was admittedly a bit slow -- the soaked and freezing pitch at Stamford Bridge wasn't exactly in playing shape -- but the second half was action-packed.

When the return legs begin in a couple weeks, make sure to set your TiVos and stock up on some Bud/Coors Light tallboys.

After the match we flipped around the tube, and we settled for a while on the Texas/Kansas State basketball game, which really served as a tutorial for incompetence. And not just on the part of the players or coaches (KSU's coach was in a freakin' neck-brace, high comedy), but the announcers too.

Who in their right mind thought it would be a good idea to let famous Jewchick-baller and alleged Martina-lover Nancy Lieberman join the already amateur two-man broadcast team?

I'm not trying to be sexist (although I know this thought clearly is), but it's virtually impossible to take this game seriously with this boxlicker spouting rudimentary points like an American explaining bluejeans to a pre-glasnost Russian.

I think the most embarassing part of this for last night's unnamed color analyst was when he said, "As Nancy just said..." I'm sure, from a confidence standpoint, the last thing you want to do as a basketball telecaster is quote the girl named Nancy jabbering next to you.

And really, c'mon ESPN! How can you possibly put Nancy in the booth and not set her up with Jimmy Dykes? Such a wasted opportunity.

Slack Link of the Day: This just in, the new geek wonder drug -- LSD.

Slack Video of the Day: There are very few things in this short life that make me laugh louder and harder than the inaccurate Arrested Development chicken dances.

And this chicken dance clip's pretty damn good, too...

Caption Contest: Stevie Knicks

What's either Larry Brown, Isiah or Stevie Franchise thinking here?

LB: "Ya know, at this point, I almost wish the South had won the war."

(Thanks to Siwook for the heads up on the pic and the marvelous contest idea)

Wednesday, February 22, 2006


Since this is probably the busiest day I've had in fortnights, I'll just re-post the greatest video ever recorded and run away. I've posted the link before, but I just love it that much. Enjoy.

Without spoiling the clip, keep an eye on the running kid, but I implore you to pay close atttention to the reaction of guy in the back row of the stands right in front of the camera: priceless.

Trump & Porn (Minus Trump)

Two quickies this morning, and considering the second part is about sex, the word quickie is truly apropos:

First, you really have to love The Donald. This guy is so pissed off at his supposed friend Martha Stewart for royally fucking up his Apprentice brand that he fired off a nasty open letter to the ol' broad, calling her show a "mistake for everybody."

He opens: "Your performance was terrible in that the show lacked mood, temperament and just about everything a show needs for success. I knew it would fail as soon as I first saw it -- and your low ratings bore me out."

Not flattering, but then he hits her hard: "Essentially, you made this firing up just as you made up your sell order of ImClone." As Uncle Jesse used to quote, "Ouch, babe. Very ouch."

A few years back I worked with a guy who was pretty tight with Martha. And by tight, I mean he regularly stuck it in her number one- and two-holes. I'm not much for gossip, but I just love the idea of this prim and proper domestic diva screaming with pleasure as a Viagra-induced bone ripped through her sphincter. Sorry, that's gross, even for this irreverent duder.

But it's a perfect segue to the recent sex scandal tearing through the blog world (is there a "tearing through Martha's anus" joke here?), a scandal flying under the radar of about 99 percent of the general public. That's yet another reason why being a blogger is cooler than most people believe.

(Ir)Regardless, as the story goes, two Singaporeans, perhaps students at a school there, filmed themselves enjoying a coitus-filled afternoon. Some girl, jealous of the video star's cheerleading popularity, stole her phone and found the clips of this tryst, and she immediately uploaded them onto the Internet.

This girl is basically the new Paris Hilton of the Far East, only she's not rich and likely underage. Also, she gives better much head and love you long time. Rumors are circulating that the whole "Tammy NYP" saga is a publicity hoax for a soon-to-be-released porn video, but I don't think that's the case. The video is just too...amateur.

But if you've been in the dark for the last few days, check out the original story that's floating around the world wide web, and click around in Technorati to try and find the video (I won't post any links to the video here, but they're out there).

I hesitate to call them victims, but the rules of sex are so ridiculous in Singapore that the dude can go to jail for this. And then we'll really have some "tearing through anus" jokes.

Slack Link of the Day: Move over Lou Gehrig, this guy might just be the luckiest man on the face of the Earth.

Slack Songs of the Day: Remember last Sunday's Phil & Friends show with Trey, the one I missed for no good reason whatsoever (even the 27 inches of snow)? Sure you do, it caused a slight case of depression in me for a full day. Anyway, it's up on SugarMegs, and it sounds spectacular. Enjoy it here.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Linkas de Drogas y Musica

--Like these New Mexicans in question, I also enjoy a nice warm cup of hallucinogenic tea as part of a four-hour ritual (just four?). But we differ in the Connection with God Department. I usually connect with swirling images of Keith Hernandez and Bob Costas and get lost in the complex patterns of nature and vomit. So, Supreme Court, I put this to you: Am I obeying the law too, or is it just the religious who can trip their Godly balls off and connect with the Higher Power?

--He's often missing for a few weeks at a time, but Ahren over at ye ol' Physics blog always posts some well-written mindfucking material. Sunday he unveiled "the unofficial guide to using drugs recreationally, then driving," and it's dead-on-balls accurate.

He left out nitrous oxide, which should read "Buckle up, close your eyes and pray," but he got it right.

--Speaking of, I met up with the GZ Gang and caught a roll-a-rrific Umphrey's McGee show on Friday at New York's newest and already best venue, the Nokia Theatre.

Umphrey's was Umphrey's -- they're a fast-changin', prog-rockin' jamband with a killer sound and a knack for having more fun on stage than just about anyone I've seen. I can't expound much more on their act, but I do have a couple notes on the venue an the UM crowd.

The Nokia in Times Square may be an uber-corporate venue, and it definitely costs way too much to buy a ticket and get a drink (three bucks for a few sippies of water?). But that room is by far the best place to see a mid-sized show in the city, as the user-friendly experience is off the charts. They patch the soundboard into the hallways and bathroom for chrissakes, and they show a pixelated video of the show on a few screens in the lobby.

Every band out there should play that room instead of the older Roseland and Hammerstein ballrooms. I love the set-up there: stage, floor, another tier of dance floor, luxurious movie seats in the back with perfect views and sound and the VIPs on the sides.

UM's crowd is similar to, say, any hip hop concert. That is to say, it's loaded to the tits with affluent, white and quite drunk high school kids, and the ratio of guy-to-girl is about the same as white-to-black at an Anaheim Angels game.

So with all these youngins about Friday (and perpetually), the first floor was the high school cafeteria, the second floor was more student union, and the people in the back were chillin' in the adult lounge. My view from the lounge was perfect, and I pretty much had a whole row to myself where I could do a little hippie dance and chew off the inside of my cheeks.

All in all, a very fun show unfolded, a great group of guys and gals kept me company and UM did not disappoint. The show is already up on the Live Music Archive, and you can stream or download it here. If you're short on time, check out the fantastic Bridgeless opener, the sick dub-reggae version of Floyd's Breathe, and the fairly funny but rockin' 40s Theme and Got Your Milk (Right Here).

--And now for today's plug of the week: Jesse Jackson's (no, not that one) "Backyards and Living Rooms Tour"

I saw this on a Phish message board one day and thought the idea was cool as hell. Harkening back to a time when Dylan and the folkies passed around a donation hat in exchange for a solid performance, a young, talented nouveau troubador named Jesse Jackson wants to play at your house instead of running out on a label-supported tour. If I had more than 25 square feet of space, I'd definitely jump at the chance, but alas, I cannot.

Here's the best characterization I could find of this up-and-comer: "Jesse's music is a blend of folk, blues and jazz. He claims that 'if Tom Waits, Willie Nelson, Louden Wainright III and Kris Kristoffersen had (not by force, only with permission) an orgy with Joni Mitchell, then I might be the result.'"

So if you have a place to play, or if you have some leads or words of encourgement, head on over to JJ's Myspace site and get in touch with him. Also, while you're there, listen to Truckstop in Chicago...it's just an awesome song. The tour starts on March 13th, so don't delay.

--And lastly, courtesy of our new friends over at The Function of Unguent, check out this fuzzy but cool clip of James Brown calling up both Michael Jackson and Prince at one of his concerts.

New Reason For Insomnia

Red Cowboy e-mailed me last week, proudly proclaiming he randomly bought me "the sickest gift of all-time."

Knowing the re-mastered Amazing Grace and Chuck special edition DVD has yet to debut, my mind catalogued the limitless possiblities of what awaited me. I met up with Red for dinner this weekend, and it turns out, he wasn't lying.

In the course of his travels, my brother crossed paths with the EA Sports Plug and Play TV Game, which is basically an operating system embedded inside an old Sega Genesis controller. I'm not sure if they make different versions, but right now I can just plug in some input cords, turn it on and play Madden '95 or NHL '95 all night long.

And if you think I didn't play two "catch-up" games before starting a full NHL season with the 1994 Rangers, then you don't know me very well. We're officially 1-0, defeating the Bruins 3-0 on Opening Night: Mike Richter tallied 17 saves, Glenn Anderson notched a goal and an assist and Mark Messier and Sergei Zubov put home the other two.

Indeed, this may be the sickest gift of all-time. If you want to get your friend or boyfriend or son or brother a cheap present in the near future, this is what you need to do. Consider this your friendly public service announcement from the blog community.

Slack Game of the Day: This one doesn't look that tough, but one lapse in memory and you're toast. It's called Reverse, and it's not just a clever title -- your cursor moves in the opposite direction than it normally does. Frustating, but entertaining. Play Reverse.

Slack Link of the Day: Remember the good ol' days in 2001 when Annie Thrax and The Spores used to show up for gigs all over Florida, New York and DC? Well, a 17-year-old kid has figured out the answer to our problems, should anthrax ever re-emerge as the bioterror du jour. Read all about it here, "High School Senior Saves the World."

Slack Songs of the Day: The Live Music Archive is not only a fine source of quality shows uploaded at breath-taking speeds, it's also a nostalgic cave for once-popular songs of youth. Hence, I give you five songs I listened to waaay too many times between the ages of 13 and 16, probably whilst playing Sega Genesis repeatedly:

Feel Us Shaking -- The Samples 9/11/94
Nightengale and Wendy - God Street Wine - 10/29/94
Send Me on My Way - Rusted Root - 5/17/02
Something's Always Wrong - Toad the Wet Sprocket - 7/21/94

And you know what? Three out of five are still fucking awesome.

Friday, February 17, 2006

See Youse Tuesday

Let's try not to think about the fact that discrimination is alive and well at the Winter Olympics...just look at this headline: Biathlete stripped of silver banned for two years. Just for being "bi." The Olympic committe should be ashamed. Self-loathing bastards.

Have a good weekend, Slackers. And here's a friendly reminder: Stay away from the shores of Spain's San Sebastian.


We've learned a lot about love today.

First came the greatest marriage contract of all-time. And now, from the world of baseball, we've found out what kind of romantic one of baseball's best can be: "Albert Belle tracked his ex-girlfriend with a GPS device and repeatedly threatened her..."

GPS tracking? Don't most guys so whatever it takes to get the fuck away from their ex-girlfriends as fast as possible? Changing phone lines, moving apartments, contemplating premeditated murder. No, this guy is the crazy ex-girlfriend. Albert Belle, making no sense whatsoever, even after his retirement from baseball.

So if you're counting at home, Belle's corked his bat, elbowed an opposing player inciting a brawl, thrown a baseball into a fan's chest, berated a reporter, tossed another baseball at a photographer and drove drunk leading to a DUI. Now this. Good guy.

Dreyfuss Calls for Impeachment, Shark Autopsy

"Richard Dreyfuss, the actor who starred in movies ranging from Jaws to Mr. Holland's Opus, told an audience in Washington, D.C., on Thursday that 'there are causes worth fighting for,' and one of those is the impeachment of President George W. Bush."

I'm totally with Hooper on this one, even though he's got city-boy hands and been countin' money all his life.

"Think the tide's with us, Dreyfuss?"
"Just keep kickin'."

**Holy shit, in other non-shark, non-liberal news, check out this "marriage contract" from The Smoking Gun. Seriously, I've seen a lot of stuff in my life, but this...is...awesome.**

Iran's Own Freedom Fries

So we're not the only country full of kneejerk douchebottle morons:

"Iranians love Danish pastries, but when they look for the flaky dessert at the bakery they now have to ask for 'Roses of the Prophet Muhammad...'

'This is a punishment for those who started misusing freedom of expression to insult the sanctities of Islam,' said Ahmad Mahmoudi, a cake shop owner in northern Tehran."

I'd like to take this opportunity to juxtapose that story with this one about potential goat sex in a Western Kentucky fraternity. Just because I have the French freedom to do it.

Friday Night PSA & Lotsa Music

Umphrey's McGee plays the Nokia Theatre in Times Square tonight. I don't think it's sold out yet, and I'm going to pick up some tickets from the box office some time after noon. Any takers?

To entice and ensorcell, listen up: In the Kitchen, All in Time, Bridgeless, KaBump> Jazz Odyssey, Miss Tinkle's Overture.

In other quasi-important music news (just let me get it out of my system so we can move on this morning)...

--Some short YSI videos from Trey's sit-in with Phil are goin' round the ol' Internets, and I'm jealous to quite jealous. Big Red joined Big Geek back in '99 and again in '06, so I guess I'll just catch this act again in 2013 (that is, if Phil's transplanted liver holds up).

These'll only be active for a few days, so I'd suggest downloading 'em to your hard drive. Here's Eyes of the World, another Eyes of the World clip, 10 more seconds of Eyes of the World, St. Stephen from the rafters, Cryptical Envelopment, and a bonus Shakedown Street (with Warren Haynes from Saturday).

--And there's a brand new sex tape hittin' the market...but it ain't Paris Hilton and it ain't Ashlee Simpson. This one's not gonna get much traction I think, because it's actually Kid Rock and former Creed frontman/current punchline Scott Stapp hookin' it on a bus with four chicks, or at least that's what the website's preview shows.

If you're interested, and I'm not sure why you would be, you can check it all out right here at Billboard [via Live Music Blog], or go straight to KidRockSexTape.com or ScottStappSexTape.com.

Slack Link of the Day: Um, is this NASA climatologist really starting to scare the shit out of anyone else?

Slack Video of the Day: Chipotle Bob sent over this masterpiece, a clip of some Pop Warner kids playing a little American football. The clip is only 15 seconds long, yet it contains two absolute classic gems. The first, an absolutely vicious NFL-style tackle; the second, check out #99 on the yellow team at the end of the video. Wait, is he serious? Are his parents serious? Yahtzee.

Slack Song of the Day: A cool six-piece band called Frogg Cafe played a man down this past Saturday at Nectar's in Burlington, which wouldn't be big news nor well-circulated had it not been for a special guest. Playing without its regular keyboard player, the band checked around Vermont and found a fairly legit and reputable stand-in.

Popping up for the first time Russell Batiste's NOLA Benefit, former keyboardist for the popular rock band Phish, Page McConnell, agreed to replace the band's missing member for the last tune of the night: 2001 (Also Sprach Zarathustra). The Chairman of the Boards makes it perfectly clear he's still got the touch like Dirk Diggler.

So check out Leo's scab skills on 2001, played so beautifully in the manner of Phish in the manner of Deodato. And while you're fiddlin' around with that tune, also take a listen to the band sans Page on their own Sissy Strut and Small Chiwawa.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

GnR's New Single

Remember when Guns N' Roses seemed poised to become the biggest rock band in history? Well, after hearing Axl's same-named ensemble's new single, it's fairly clear he needs to get the old band back together.

Yikes. Axl should just re-name this outfit Gawful N' Rwaste-of-time. But, still, you can check out the new I.R.S. demo here.

Happy Holidays

Pitchers and Catchers Report to Camp...gotta love it.

There really ain't no better words in the English language. Discuss.

See Dick Talk

I'd like to rid the world of this Cheney's a Dick story once and for all, but it just keeps getting better and better.

As we all know, a sitting vice president shot the guy with the old balls in the face ala Marvin, he waited a day to disclose it, he may or may not have held it from the alleged president, then the birdshot caused the old dude to have a mild heart attack, and all the while the VP sat in hiding and said nothing.

Now he's talking, but for some unknown reason he chose to deliver a Fox News exclusive over addressing the White House Press Corps or the media at large. And in the most clever way possible, CNN's Jack Cafferty rang in with the best quote of the day:

"But I would guess it didn't exactly represent a Profile in Courage for the vice president to wander over there to the F-word network for a sit down with Brit Hume. That's a little like Bonnie interviewing Clyde, ain't it?"

Sure is, Jacky. He then added, "Thanks for watching. For Kaity Tong, I'm Jack Cafferty. Seinfeld is next." I think only residents of the NY-NJ-CT tri-state area get that joke, but I just cracked myself up. I do that sometimes.

To put a nice little bow on this story, let's check in with the always-brilliant Monk over at Inflatable Dartboard. As he put it, this event truly symbolizes everything that's wrong with the administration: "Firing without having a clear idea of what the outcome will be and then scrambling deceitfully to control the disastrous outcome."

Slack Link of the Day: Here's some exciting news for music fans -- "Classic Byrne and Eno Collaboration to be Reissued"

Slack Video of the Day: I can't believe it's taken me this long to find this and post it, but allow me to plug one of this blog's favorite SNL skits of all time. "Gerald Ford, dead today."

Slack Song of the Day: Laziness abound, I give you this 12/31/01 Yonder Mountain String Band show to chew on this morning.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Uncanny Bush

Aside from being a great band name, the subject of this post refers to an unbelievable impersonation The Bossman just played for me.

As I said leaving his office, "That really might be the greatest impersonation of anyone by anyone I've ever seen." I'm not one for hyperbole or anything. The impersonator's name is Steve Bridges, and he's definitely got the mannerisms and speech pattern down.

So check out this awesome Dubya impression from, of all places, the Comedy Central Roast of Jeff Foxworthy.

Unnecessary Jones

Moving Madison Square Garden down the street is about as necessary and well-intentioned as, say, invading Iraq. Sure, some good may come of the decision in the long-run, but it'll more than likely cause significant and avoidable pain for the foreseeable future.

There's no better place in the country to attend a sporting event or see a concert than the self-proclaimed World's Most Famous Arena. Is that New York-centric? Maybe. Are you a fuckin' tool for thinking that? Absolutely. I cite facts, I don't spew half-baked opinion.

It's quite obvious that, through the smokescreen, the Shitty Dolans just want a new building so they can jack up the already ridiculous ticket prices and cram in as many luxury boxes as possible, and the would-be developers of the current MSG plot want increased revenue from some taller commercial buildings.

But the Dolan family needs to be rounded up and each member beaten with an industrial-sized sack of Sacajawea dollars, so I say eff them and their floating plan. The United States, especially New York City, doesn't need another soulless, cavernous arena built solely with revenue streams in mind. Anyway, here are the details:

"Under the proposed agreement, the Garden would move to the western half of the block-long James A. Farley Building, the post office that is being transformed into a $930 million transit hub to be a gateway to New York City... Moving the Garden would open up the possibility of transforming the dowdy site where the Garden now sits, on Eighth Avenue between 31st and 33rd Streets. The developers... would replace the current arena with a pair of skyscrapers and an elaborate glass skylight that would open up the crowded Pennsylvania Station down below, according to the officials and executives."

Head on over to this Curbed post for more on the ludicrously misguided proposal to slide MSG further on up the road.

They Hate the Chicken

Pakistanis have apparently always considered that Colonel Sanders cartoon to be extremely offensive. This, I know.

And this also helps the Pakistani people put that awful stereotype behind 'em. I can't believe there are still uneducated bigots in this day and age that think all Pakistanis eat KFC and watermelon, play basketball all the time and collect welfare for their eight keeeds.

Slack Link of the Day: Hot off the presses, get ready for another round of Muslim outrage -- ladies and gentlemen, the United States government gives you, New Abu Ghraib Photos, Part I and Part II (may not be safe for work or lilly-livered liberal pussy cowards like myself).

Slack Video of the Day: I can't wait to have kids, or a nieces and nephews, just so I can totally fuck with them. Yeah, I'm gonna by a good dad/uncle. Like this guy.

Slack Song of the Day: I was pointed this morning to a cool site called Bending Corners, which features an unheralded monthly jazz podcast. Checking out January's playlist, I noticed it included names like Milt Jackson (my favorite!), Freddie Hubbard and Ramsey Lewis. So I decided to give it a whirl, and this thing's not bad.

So go on over to the BC site and check out this month's podcast here.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Syrupy Arrest

I've been doing a little research, and I still have no idea why this voodoo lady decided to don the Aunt Jemima outfit:

"An activist arrested after disrupting a City Council meeting dressed in an Aunt Jemima costume and banned from attending meetings until the end of March has filed a lawsuit claiming her rights were violated." Swiss Miss was apparently unavailable for comment.

I also have no idea how that atrociously worded lede slipped passed the Associated Press editors. What I can tell you fine folks is that the following lede kicks its ass:

"Young Canadians are digitizing their sex lives, embracing computer screens and touching keyboards ever so gently in lieu of person to person contact, according to a new survey."

Quote of the Day

"I'm not French...I stand here as a Muslim only. I do not stand here with a nation of homosexual crusaders."

--Zacarias Moussaoui, trying to disavow his French citizenship.

Hoooo snap, France, you got served, yo. By the 20th Hijacker!

Red Hearts Everywhere

Happy Valentine's Day, Slackers.

We're all mixed up in this damned-if-you-do, damned-if-you-don't semi-holiday. You're either dating and therefore obligated to spend a small fortune on flowers and dinner and thigh- and ass-fattening sweets (a double-edged proposition for black people?) or you're alone with the pulsating thoughts of perpetual loneliness. Amazingly, though, both situations usually end with an orgasm before bed.

In honor of today's grand holiday, I'll re-post one of the more romantic conversations I've had in my adult life. From my extensive e-mail archives, I can disclose this talky talky took place on May 30th, 2002 in the always ridiculous Thursday night heat of Mad River Bar and Grille, with a girl I smooched a few times in middle school and hadn't seen since graduation five years earlier.

After a few run-ins with this girl that night, I could tell she was wasted. Like me after two and a half beers. That wasted. I'm pretty sure she had just exited a bathroom gangbang, otherwise there's no legit explanation for her reeking of stank and liquor and smokes, sniffing every few seconds and looking like she'd just been beaten with open palms and rigid cocks.

I'm not opposed to the one-night stand, not by a longshot. But even I have my standards and limits, and there was no way this chick was getting near any cab that transported me home. I did my best to resist her drunken and drugged nostalgic advances, though it was pretty easy just by looking at her. I thought at one point I could crack a pool cue over her head and wonder whether she felt it.

Finally at the end of the night, she pulled in real close to me and uttered the following into my right hearing device (read: ear) as she straddled my right leg:

Drunk Girl: You know you always had a crush on me in high school, right? I mean, when you were with [name], you were always thinking of me.
Ace Cowboy: Really? I actually don't know how true that is.
DG: I wasn't as hot as I am now back when we went out in like 8th grade. I was always, like skinny, but now I am a little chunkier, but it works for me, and I'm hot now.
AC: Hey, I don't think you're that chunky.

So she began her sex pitch by telling me about her current boyfriend, but how she definitely doesn't at all believe in monogamy. When it became abundantly clear I wasn't interested in pursuing even a conversation with her, she looked at the girl I was talking to before being interrupted by this amateur porn candidate...

DG: Are you hitting on that girl?
AC: No, I don't really hit on girls.
DG: You're that cool, huh?
AC: No, I'm that uncool.
DG: I'm too dirty for you, right?
AC: A little too much. And I love dirty. Um, no offense.
DG: Well, not to be offensive, but I don't usually hook up with guys like you. But I am willing to do a charity case tonight, liven up your life a little bit.

Then calmly and plain-spoken, I called her a drug addict and said something about her being a whore. But playfully, not rude, I know how to walk the fine line. Here's where it gets interesting:

DG: I can't believe you're rejecting me. Nobody rejects me. Don't you know I just dated Michael Olowokandi?
AC: The Kandi Man? Wow, I really like the Clippers.
DG: Well, I like three things: hard alcohol, big cock, and hip hop.
AC: I can provide you none of those things. I've heard of hip hop, though.
DG: Do you eat pussy? (as she laughs maniacally)
AC: I usually eat bagels, but I can hang.
DG: You sure I can't change your mind, nobody ever says "no" to me. I'm cute and I suck cock.
AC: Wow, um...hi. (She really almost got me right there)
DG: I can't believe you don't want me for a night.
AC: I can't believe you stink this bad. Go talk to someone else...

In hindsight, this conversation is unflattring for both of us, so maybe I should have just taken her home to add an interesting post-script to the story. But, trust me, she looked like the star of every snuff film ever made. It's so sad to see good girls go bad. I never want a daughter. On that note, Happy Valentine's Day!

Slack Link of the Day: I think every guy out there is waiting for March 14th to roll around...Steak & BJ Day will be on the calendar by 2010.

Non V-Day Link of the Day: Taxpayer money, we hardly knew ye -- Gotta love this new Government Accountability Office report, which finds the Bush Administration spent more than $1.6 billion in public relations and media contracts in a two and a half year span. Yeah, that campaign worked.

Slack Video of the Day: In honor of today's semi-holiday, I present you with this barely safe for work clip of this funny sexy Valentine.

Slack Song of the Day: I'm not the biggest fan of DJ mash-ups, but then again, I think they're conceptually quite awesome. A while ago I stumbled upon a Beatles/Beastie Boys mix called The Beastles, and the follow-up to that album is out: Let It Beast.

After a quick listen, I'd say the original album is much better. But I suggest checking out Ladies Do Love Me, A Day in the Life of a Beastie Boy, Electrified Kite and Let It Beast.

Monday, February 13, 2006

Such a Night

Y'all know the Doctor? Dr. John? Mac Rebennack? --R.R.

Like the keg guy showing up early to the "wrong" Pickford residents altogether, I definitely bricked on the Trey/Phil show last night. But at least I caught one amazing show this weekend.

The Cowgirl surprised me with tickets to see Dr. John at B.B. King's on Friday night, just two nights after I introduced her to the voodoo master's epic performance at The Last Waltz. Very cool move.

Playing a two-hour set with a seven-piece band, the good doctor seamlessly blended old songs with some covers and standards and New Orleans-driven monologues with nostalgic passion and unintelligibility. The man is a genuine master of the piano, though, and his band backs up his brilliant songwriting beautifully.

The show itself was fantastic, but the encore was magical. We waited all night for his Last Waltz masterpiece, Such a Night, and just before midnight I resigned myself to the fact that he wasn't going to play it. Hey, we still had fun with the I've Been Hoodooed classics.

But then he strutted out like Humpty Dumpty in his indigoviolet threads for the encore and sat down at his piano, and as soon as he hit the first note I let out a Cajun yell of "Yeeeeah" and began to grin uncontrollably. The Cowgirl and I danced and laughed as he proclaimed "If I don't do it, somebody else will," and I'm sure everyone around us wanted to know why some hook-nosed kid felt compelled to feign Creole and sing along in his companion's ear.

So if you're ever presented with the chance to see Mac perform in your nape of the neck, make sure to rank him high on your priorities list and get to the show. 'Twas indeed such a night.

Now listen here, baby...
Dr. John in Ultrasonic Studios - 6/11/73 (setlist)
Dr. John with The Meters - 3/5/73 (setlist)

    If you're craving more of The Doctor after listening to those gems, you can either track down an episode of Blossom and marvel at the theme song, or you should try to find a copy of the now-defunct poultry jingle: "Love that chicken from Popeeeeye's!"

    Weekend Postscript: Another eerie coincidence
    In spite of the oncoming blizzard, I agreed to trot out to Hoboken on Saturday afternoon for a Duder Day-Night Doubleheader of Jaws and The Last Waltz.

    So as the snow began its assault on the NY-NJ-CT tri-state area, Donnie, Hoobs and I landed on Kenny Alias' couches to begin our assault on the plentiful stashes of beer and doje. Eight hours later we'd be mushing back to the PATH train, shielding exposures through the white-out conditions. But the jaunt was well worth it.

    I signed onto the shark-and-music venture Thursday night, and since then some wacky shit has gone down. One day before our plans, I ended up at said Dr. John show Friday, having no prior knowledge he'd be playing in the city; the good doctor, of course, is responsible for one of the best performances from The Last Waltz, The Band's 1976 swan song. Then, a day after the double-feature debauchery, Jaws' author Peter Benchley died.

    As I say every time this happens, and it seems to happen fairly often, what are the freakin' odds of that?

    Slack Video and Song of the Day: Rod Stewart's mostly a punchline these days, but that's because hardly anyone includes or remembers his kick-ass days with The Faces.

    Paired with Ron Wood, Ronnie Lane, Ian McLagen and Kenny Jones, this group pounded out some seriously awesome music in the early '70s. And if you've never heard Bad n' Ruin, I suggest you give Apple your 99 centavos and download that pupper post-haste.

    So here are The Faces playing Stay With Me...and as some good folks pointed out to me, check out how many moves Chris Robinson and other leading men stole from this guy.

    Seriously solid stuff.

    You Sendin' The Wolf?

    I don't mean to laugh, I really don't. After all, a man almost died this weekend. But seriously, when's the last time a sitting vice president shot someone in the face*?

    When reached for comment, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice (above, right) expressed outrage that she'd been put on brain detail:

    "Well I'm a mushroom-cloud-layin' motherfucker, motherfucker!" Dr. Rice exclaimed to the vice president. "Every time my fingers touch brain I'm Superfly TNT, I'm The Guns of the Navarone. In fact, what the fuck am I doin' in the back? You're the motherfucker should be on brain detail. We're fuckin' switchin' right now. I'm washin' the windows and you're pickin' up this nigger's skull."

    I, for one, question Dr. Rice's commitment to the cause. I also question the jargon-like terminology of all these news reports. I know they were hunting and my familiarity with that language is lacking, but why does every quote from every doctor and every friend and every rancher involve the words "pepper" and "spray"?

    How 'bout something simple, like "Cheney blew this septagenarian's goiter clean off?" No, instead we get lots of this:

    "I don't know how much spray he has got... My understanding from the physicians is that after you get peppered, sometimes they need to do exploratory surgeries if it gets lodged in a little deeper. Sometimes, it's tweezers. I can't really comment on how extensively he was sprayed."

    Maybe you can comment extensively on how big a douchebottle you are. Maybe not. Either way, jargon-hunters, I suggest in the future you be vewy, vewy quiet around this Dick.

    (Thanks to PT's Xenobe for the photos.)

    *Who's Aaron Burr? Isn't that the dude who played Perry Mason?

    Sunday, February 12, 2006

    Double Informer

    12 Inches of Snow? Two times and then some: 26.9 in Central Park.

    I haven't seen this much white powder since [insert lame joke about Kate Moss, Nicole Richie, Len Bias, cops and doughnuts, anthraxing Tom Daschle or talc-ing your nuts here].

    As it was, I left my apartment only once today, a brief run to pick something up from Lukas' down the street and to hoard necessities like Smartfood, Sun Chips and Pepsi.

    Traveling east on Bleecker, I caught one of the weirder snowstorm sights of all time -- a seemingly sane man, pedaling a unicycle, holding an open umbrella in his left hand. He basically looked exactly like this iguana, only less green and scaley:

    The most craisins part of this episode was that the unicyclist moved down the street so fast I couldn't even manage to bust out the ol' cameraphone for a photo fast enough.

    Gotta love Greenwich Village, where more than two feet of snow never stops the sideshow.

    (For more cool snowy NYC pics, check out our friends at Velvet Sea as well as this excellent Flickr set.)

    Big Red & Phil

    A combination of record snowfall, expensive tickets, and a stunning lack of motivation, mobility and able companions led me to miss Trey Anastasio's full-show sit-in with Phil & Friends tonight.

    But really, there's just no excuse for missing this show...

    Above: Ensemble shot of Big Red (left, looking happy and healthy) joining the P & F band. Below: "What if God were one of them?" Joan Osborne stands between two non-mortals.

    Set I: Help On The Way> Slipknot> Franklin's Tower, Up On Cripple Creek > They Love Each Other > Cold Rain & Snow Jam > Loose Lucy, Buckets Of Rain (Dylan song), All Along The Watchtower

    Set II: St. Stephen, What Sin (Ryan Adams song) > Jam > Cryptical Envelopment > Jam > Dark Star > The Other One > Jam > Dark Star > Eyes of the World > Going Down the Road Feeling Bad > Gimme Shelter. Encore: Wolfman's Brother, Midnight Hour

    I may vomit from the thought of living so close to this show and flat-out skipping it for shitty reasons. And believe it or not, you can already stream the show. Sickness.

    Friday, February 10, 2006

    What's This White Powder?

    A Winter Weather Statement for my fellow NE-folk: "A blizzard watch remains in effect from Saturday afternoon through Sunday morning."

    "Snow will begin late Saturday afternoon...and become heavy at times Saturday night... By the time the snow ends late Sunday morning... accumulations should average 8 to 12 inches...with locally higher amounts possible. The highest totals are most likely to occur in and near New York City...and across western Long Island."

    This means I have a glorious excuse to stay in-of-doors and work on my rankings of the Ten Greatest Singers That Played Bass in the history of rock. This isn't necessarily who's the best bassist nor who's the best singer, it's the combo of both. So far I've got:

    1. Rick Danko
    2. Paul McCartney
    3. Jack Bruce
    4. Sting
    5. Roger Waters
    6. Mike Gordon
    7. Geddy Lee
    8. Les Claypool
    9. Peter Cetera*
    10. Phil Lesh* (click on the link for proof)

    Who am I leaving out? Should I re-order anyone? Why should I listen to you? Don't you suck? Yes, you suck. But, still, what say you?

    *Um, not really.

    Roe v. Rushmore

    It's all happening: "The South Dakota House has passed a bill that would nearly ban all abortions in the state, ushering the issue to the state Senate.

    Supporters are pushing the measure in hopes of drawing a legal challenge that will cause the US Supreme Court to reverse its 1973 decision legalizing abortion."

    No commentary from this guy, since I will always live in a blue state and abortions will always be legal where I live, but I'm just pointing out that it's all happening. Emily Rugburn.

    Goodnight, Sweet Bluths

    Set your TiVos, folks. The can't-miss event of the season is here. Brace yourself for the two-hour (Fox) series finale of Arrested Development, tonight at 8 Eastern. Yahtzee.

    I refuse to write a eulogy because I know this show will be picked up somewhere. So for now, I'll just say farewell and look forward 'til that day we meet again. Bluth family, I really do love thee.

    As Chuck B just pointed out, you can listen to a great interview with series creator Mitchell Hurwitz on NPR's Fresh Air right here.

    Slack Link of the Day: Coach forwarded this little story over to me this morning, a fascinating 2002 bet between a blogger and a New York Timesman. The bet: "In a Google search of five keywords or phrases representing the top five news stories of 2007, weblogs will rank higher than the New York Times' Web site."

    Kottke ran the numbers two years early, and sure enough, the blogs are kickin' some Grey Lady arse. I'm kinda geeky, but I personally think this is a must-read.

    Slack Lede of the Day: "A Florida man hanged himself in mid-flight aboard a United Airlines plane after being accused of arson at a Miami car dealership, police said on Thursday." (This is also a must-read, some lines in this article are priceless).

    Slack Song of the Day: Tea Leaf Green's Midwest run ended in Chicago on the 4th last week, and by all accounts this show was one of the best they've played. The second set is a bit hotter than the first, but the whole thing is incredible -- I listened to this yesterday and I'll probably try it again today. From the good ol' Abbey Pub in the Windy Apple, check out some dyn-o-mite TLG.

    Thursday, February 09, 2006

    Bare Necessities

    You know what my office needs? Hammocks. Lots of 'em.

    Poor Sly

    Roommate Dorsey, The Cowgirl and I sandwiched a thrilling episode of Lost with the Grammys telecast last night. I desperately wanted to see the Sly Stone tribute, Dorsey really wanted to watch newcomer John Legend win multiple awards and The Cowgirl needed to scream obsenities at "that fat fucking bitch" Mariah Carey all night.

    'Twas a topsy-turvy night, though, as I thoroughly and surprisingly enjoyed the Grammys performances but nearly vomited from the sheer awfulness of the Sly tribute. Call me a sap (please don't or I'll bite off your index finger and spit it in your grandma's eye), but I thought the mash-ups were entertaining to quite entertaining.

    I really enjoyed the ageless Madonna with The Gorillaz and De La Soul, Christina Aguilera with (It's) Herrrrbie Hancock, Sir Paul McCartney with Jay-Z and Linkin Park, a subpar U2 with an extraordinary Mary J. Blige, Kanye West with Jamie Foxx and a small marching band, and McCartney stepping up to rock Helter Skelter after his catchy new tune Fine Line. I'm usually too cool for Grammys School, but this year's installment made me want to sit and learn.

    But the Sly performance...oh my. Let me say up front, I love Sly and the Family Stone. I sang Dance to the Music with an awesome funk band at my brother's wedding in front of 300 guests for chrissakes. Donnie Fiedler and I used to dance to Family Affair and other Sly tunes in the dorm at five in the morning freshman year. Sly is the Man, the master of funk, but sadly, he's also the master of reclusive cokeness and hasn't played in public since the late '80s.

    First the Grammys set up a five-song tribute medley, which I can honestly say was as riveting as last year's Rosh Hashanah sermon. Everyone, especially Maroon 5 and Steven Tyler, basically mailed it in and waited for Sly to appear. And when he did...oh my.

    How old do you think this man is? Eighty? Eighty-five? If you guessed 62, you're lying, but you're correct. This guy has aged worse than anything but milk. He came out, tried to sing a few lines, tried to play a few bars, tried to be the Sly of old. It just didn't happen. The Days of Genius are a long time gone.

    And now I'm sad I actually watched the Grammys for the Sly tribute. So in order to break out of this little morning funk (pun intended?), you're all obligated to wach this video of Sly and the Family Stone kickin' Ed Sullivan's ass with a wicked medley:

    And here are a few more vids, courtesy of the great folks over at YouTube: I Want to Take You Higher, another one from the Ed Sullivan show and a clip of Sly loaded on the Dick Cavett show (showing he's the original Andre 3000).

    Oh, and what music post would be complete without a mention of Trey Anastasio. The former Pheesh frontman attended the Grammys with his sister (he backed Herbie Hancock on a nominated tune), and here's Big Red strollin' the red carpet and lookin' all nerdy.

    Slack Link of the Day: For all the other fans of Lost out there, check out the John Locke theory that's going around. Makes a ton of sense, but more importantly, I really enjoy the fact that people are still thinking intelligently about things that entertain us.

    Slack Lede of the Day: From EB comes this gem -- "Shy Swedish female penguins sent to seduce 'homosexual' male Humboldt penguins in a German zoo failed to break up the male twosomes." Sad stuff.

    Slack Video of the Day: MDS sent this one over today, a real commercial for Ayds diet candy from the early 80s. I just marvel at the timing of certain people and companies.

    Slack Song of the Day: In lieu of digging up anything I'd like you to like this morning, head on over to the True Stories blog and listen to or download Tobin's fifth podcast. I haven't heard it yet, but the playlist looks great. This guy's putting out some of the best podcasts in the world of live music blogs (followed closely by Newmradio).

    Wednesday, February 08, 2006

    Wolfgang's Vault

    For fans of the classics, this might be the greatest streaming radio station ever conceived. Thank the many gods for Bill Graham.

    Do yourself a favor and start listening to this now. I said now.

    (Click here for more info on the Vault; here for more on the legend of Bill Graham.)

    MNF: Fresh Meat

    ESPN announced a new broadcast team for Monday Night Football's debut on the worldwide leader next year, and I think they've made at least two good decisions:

    "Mike Tirico, Joe Theismann and Tony Kornheiser will be part of a three-man booth calling the games on Monday nights next season and Suzy Kolber and Michelle Tafoya will be sideline reporters."

    Replacing the once-graceful-but-aging-fast Mike Patrick with another consummate professional in Mike Tirico is a great move. Tirico is a master of every sport he broadcasts, be it golf or basketball or college football, and his calls are always on the money.

    If you watched the Michigan/Nebraska Alamo Bowl this year and marveled at the fact that the announcer called that wacky last play as perfect as any human being could have, then you're unknowingly behind ESPN's move as well.

    I also commend the decision to promote Tirico to the post because it raises the profile of a classic black/white crossover. Much in the same way that Pete Sampras and Allan Houston share an uncanny resemblence despite a difference in race, I've always thought Tirico could pass for the black version of CNN's Jeffrey Toobin.

    The other quality decision comes as no real shock: Paul McGuire's pink slip. "Here's a guy" who couldn't be any worse at his job, a commentator that offered absolutely nothing to the program aside from unintentional comedy and several Whaaaaas? per game.

    I'm a big fan of his replacement in Tony Kornheiser, but I won't pass judgment either way on TK until I actually hear and see him do live color. He's a great talking head, but the jury's still out on whether he can hang in the booth.

    And Theismann, well, he's Theismann. Sure, he's usually a moron. But he definitely knows how the game is played and I'll give him the benefit of the doubt with two new partners. It'll be like when the forgettable Dan Fouts left Monday Night Football and became a Grade-A college football analyst with a little change of roster.

    As for the chicks, I guess I'm okay with them. They're at the top of the chick list, if that says anything. I just don't understand what they offer to the broadcast, other than a handful of suits patting themselves on the back for hiring more women. And that's okay. I was a fan of Eric Dickerson, because you at least knew you'd be getting a few seconds of trainwreck every night. Also 'cause he was paired with hottie Melissa Stark and we used to call them "Stark and Dark."

    Come to think of it, if you were ESPN, wouldn't you hire Dickerson and The Juice to be the two sideline reporters? Shit, screw the games, I'd tune in every Monday just to see what unfolded on the field level. And I know most of you folks would too.

    Oh, and if you want something to TiVo tonight, go 'head and set it up to record Larry King Live, who will host Full House star and recovering meth addict Jodie Sweetin. How rude!

    Forget Paris

    Here's a headline I bet you never thought you'd ever see: "Paris Hilton ordered to stay away from L.A. man."

    Shocked at this backwards headline -- a man ordering Paris Hilton to stay away? -- I tried to think of five headers I'd sooner expect to see than the one Reuters ran yesterday:

    "Paris Hilton to Play Young Blanche Devereaux in Golden Girls Prequel"
    "Paris Hilton Gay-Marries Ellen Cleghorne, Divorces Randy Newman"
    "Paris Hilton Gets Second Ever Face Transplant after Sen. Barack Obama and Mr. Fuji Throw Three Beakers of Sulfuric Acid and a Mysterious Dust in Grill" (shit, that's not gonna fit)
    "Paris Hilton Exhumes Phil Hartman, Shoots at Bones"
    "Paris Hilton Loses Millions to Rick Tocchet, Frenches Janet Jones"

    I'm not saying those are all that funny, but couldn't you picture some of those running before one involving a male using the court system to ensure Paris Fucking Hilton stays an appropriate distance away from him? In addition to the improbably header, the article itself is pretty damn funny and chock full of comedic gems. My two favorite:

    "Brian Quintana won a restraining order in Los Angeles Superior Court against the 24-year-old socialite best known for her television reality show "The Simple Life" and for a sex video that showed up on the Internet."

    Finally, an article takes off the kid gloves and treats this spoon-fed strumpet the way she ought to be treated. Paris Hilton is not famous without the sex video, period. It's not bad, it happened, and it launched her inexplicable career. I think she should be ashamed of her awful hummer skills, but that's not the point here.

    The point is, when the networks font her, and the papers describe her, it should say "Paris Hilton, Amateur Porn Star/Actress." Many journalists conveniently omit that first part, for whatever reason, and it's wrong, so wrong, and that's why we wrote this song.

    And Brian Quintana? Sweet. Sounds like a guy who wears Sex Panther and coaches retarded friends on inviting women to a "pants party."

    "[Quintana] said Hilton shoved him three times and made numerous phone calls threatening his life...Her spokesman, Elliot Mintz, told reporters after the hearing: 'I've known Paris and worked with her, and the kind of person that was described on the stand this afternoon doesn't resemble the woman that I know.'"

    Wait, shoving some dude and making threatening phone calls doesn't resemble your womanly client? That's absurd. If this was a match a charge from Column A with a celebrity from Column B, I'd instantly come up with the correct answer: shoving and threatening = Paris.

    If Quintana had accused Paris of baking him cookies and not sucking M&M's out of his ass, then I'd agree with the spokesman and say, "You're right, doesn't resemble her."

    Anyway, enough celebrity gossip from me. I had an off-day yesterday, and today I'm starting out with Paris Hilton jokes. I need a blogbreak.

    Slack Link of the Day: Okay, I lied. This is another headline I bet you never thought you'd ever see -- "Woman Does 'Mouth-to-Beak' to Save Chicken."

    Slack Song and Video of the Day: What do you get when you cross four white geeks, a black rap mogul and thousands of unwashed hippies, all crammed into Brooklyn's Keyspan Park?

    You get 99 Problems and Big Pimpin' with the greatest back-up band on Earth, courtesy of YouTube.

    I love this video for several reasons, and on many levels, but mostly I love the whiff of nostalgia it brings me as an eyewitness:

    1. I used to live with the Ambiguously Gay Uno, and for at least a year I'd wake up every day as he was doing his post-shower exit interview, and the same Jay-Z Unplugged disc would be playing. And like clockwork, every day I entered the bathroom as Jay-Z and Mary J. Blige sang Can't Knock The Hustle. I really dug it, and I gained a lot of respect for the guy as an artist. Seeing him cross over into my world was therefore a really cool live music experience.

    2. Look at how much fun the band is having up there. And, holy lord, look at how ridiculously white these guys are (especially with Trey's inexcusable June 2004 buzzcut). But on the other side, look at how shocked Jay-Z is at the warm reception from the audience. Thusly I get such an enormous kick out of it when he says, "You guys was hidin' all this, huh? You was hidin' all this from me. I felt it. I felt it" in between his two songs.

    3. Between this show and Vegas 2000, I managed to catch two of the more impossibly paired guests in Phish's history: Kid Rock and Jay-Z. Who woulda thunk it?

    Incidentally, if anyone knows where to find the Kid Rock video, I'd be forever gracious and insanely cunnilingual or fellatious. Whichever.

    Tuesday, February 07, 2006

    PM Linky

    As I sit here watching Bill Clinton speak at Coretta Scott King's memorial service and pine for the times when a president could express himself clearly, I offer you these fine links:

    --Apparently shows like CSI and CSI: Miami and CSI: Des Moines are making criminals smarter, which in turn is making pre-meditated crime easier. Truly fascinating. But my question is, if that's true, how come when people tune into The West Wing they're still apathetic morons? And how come the young women and Asians who watch drivers' ed videos are still terrible drivers?

    --From the love thy alma mater files, Northwestern University President Henry Bienen had to step in and assure the world that engineering professor and lovable ol' Holocaust denier Arthur Butz is a total idiot and speaks for himself. Butz, who I'm not sure was ever born, 'cause hell, I didn't see it, made some moronic comments to an Iranian journalist recently, and I'm sure he's working on a dynamite political cartoon right now.

    If you'd like to know more about NU Prez Hank Bienen, his likes and dislikes, see this interview from the 10/23/00 issue of NUComment: The man enjoys squash and tennis, Bob Dylan, Wild Strawberries, doesn't care about Disney and doesn't know the lyrics to Tony Orlando and Dawn's "Knock Three Times." Amen, Biens.

    --Are you ready for an aphrodisiac soda? When I heard that "a new soda promising to sexually arouse the person drinking it will soon be available in stores nationwide," my first thought was...eh, I got nothing funny here. Nothing's happening. Let's just make this a fill-in-the-blank contest. Sound off below.

    --Yes! Yes! Yes! Say goodbye to Bradway, Jets fans. And say hello to a newly minted royal Tannenbaum.

    --And finally, here's another YouTube classic: "Before there was Anna Nicole... there was Elvis. Between January 20 and August 16, 1977, Elvis' doctor prescribed 5,684 narcotic and amphetamine pills to him (an average of 25 per day). This clip is a tribute to that man."

    Renounce Your Religion

    I'm not sure what I am. Atheist, agnostic, Jewish, deist, something. Sometimes I want to be a Calvinist or a Lutheran, just because I love how foolish it must be to believe in a religion named after a real-life person. "People, we're going to celebrate Christ. But we'll name ourselves after me. And if you don't like it, join the Jonesians."

    I believe in things, though. I believe that the natural beauty and perfect randomness of the world means there's something out there that's bigger than us. I believe in my own brand of instant karma, and relatedly, I believe strongly in the good samaritan. But do I believe in one almighty being that controls the universe? Shit, I'd believe Andy Richter controls the universe before I agree there's one singular God with a divine plan for each of us.

    There are far too many negative aspects of humanity and nature to truly believe in a solitary almighty. One absolute being would never let the atrocities committed in His name occur. Allah would never let 19 hijackers kill 3,000 innocent civilians to please Him, right? And surely God would never let The Crusaders slaughter the infidels for His ultimate exultancy.

    The KKK operates in good Christian faith, just as radical Muslim extremist groups carry out their terrorist charades in good Islamic faith. So when these major events happen, and when these organizations kill and spread hate, why doesn't it shake everyone's faith in God and religion as much as it does mine?

    I know I'm preaching to a mostly irreligious audience, but I bring this up because there's an escalating Holy War in progress, and one of Iran's leading newspapers is about to add some serious fuel to the fire. Hamshahri, a daily newspaper upset about the depiction of the prophet Mohammad in some Western publications, "has launched a competition to find the best cartoon about the Holocaust."

    That's right, the Iranian editors at this paper are signing onto the Turnabout is Fair Play Treaty, and who knows where it'll eventually lead. But it definitely makes sense: a Danish paper publishes some cartoons it shouldn't have, thousands of Muslims respond (months later) by firebombing its embassy and threatening its citizens, then this paper announces it's calling all comers to take its best shot at a religion that had nothing to do with the original gripe.

    There's an easy solution here: Abandon your need for a societal and therapeutic crutch and renounce your silly faith in whatever you believe. The world will be a much better place, and it surely won't be on the brink of destruction.

    *This post brought to you by The Heathens. For another man's take on this issue (with a hilarious conclusion), check out The Daily Dump.

    Slack Link of the Day: If there's anyone in these United States I'd rather not be -- anyone at all -- I think it might be this guy. Just doesn't get much worse than this guy's current circumstances.

    Slack Video of the Day: In my foolish attempt to get more people into soccer, here's a collection of some seriously awesome moves. If you'd like to see more, check out this cool video of the unbelievable Ronaldinho and the balding Zidane. And this goal may surprise you.

    Slack Song of the Day: Unlike our president, Bluegrass is a uniter, not a divider. It seems bluegrass is the one genre people always enjoy posted on here. With that in mind, here's the somewhat well-known Leftover Salmon on Reuben's Train, Little Maggie, She Caught the Katy and Bend in the River from 9/15/01 in Lubbock, Texas.

    And some bonus music news: "MMW and John Scofield have teamed up again. The guys recently completed recording at MMW's Shacklyn Studios in Brooklyn, NY. This quartet last recorded together on John Scofield's A Go Go (Verve) in 1998. The album is slated to be the first release on MMW's new self-owned independent record label. More details coming soon - look for this release in the Fall."