Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Forget Paris

Here's a headline I bet you never thought you'd ever see: "Paris Hilton ordered to stay away from L.A. man."

Shocked at this backwards headline -- a man ordering Paris Hilton to stay away? -- I tried to think of five headers I'd sooner expect to see than the one Reuters ran yesterday:

"Paris Hilton to Play Young Blanche Devereaux in Golden Girls Prequel"
"Paris Hilton Gay-Marries Ellen Cleghorne, Divorces Randy Newman"
"Paris Hilton Gets Second Ever Face Transplant after Sen. Barack Obama and Mr. Fuji Throw Three Beakers of Sulfuric Acid and a Mysterious Dust in Grill" (shit, that's not gonna fit)
"Paris Hilton Exhumes Phil Hartman, Shoots at Bones"
"Paris Hilton Loses Millions to Rick Tocchet, Frenches Janet Jones"

I'm not saying those are all that funny, but couldn't you picture some of those running before one involving a male using the court system to ensure Paris Fucking Hilton stays an appropriate distance away from him? In addition to the improbably header, the article itself is pretty damn funny and chock full of comedic gems. My two favorite:

"Brian Quintana won a restraining order in Los Angeles Superior Court against the 24-year-old socialite best known for her television reality show "The Simple Life" and for a sex video that showed up on the Internet."

Finally, an article takes off the kid gloves and treats this spoon-fed strumpet the way she ought to be treated. Paris Hilton is not famous without the sex video, period. It's not bad, it happened, and it launched her inexplicable career. I think she should be ashamed of her awful hummer skills, but that's not the point here.

The point is, when the networks font her, and the papers describe her, it should say "Paris Hilton, Amateur Porn Star/Actress." Many journalists conveniently omit that first part, for whatever reason, and it's wrong, so wrong, and that's why we wrote this song.

And Brian Quintana? Sweet. Sounds like a guy who wears Sex Panther and coaches retarded friends on inviting women to a "pants party."

"[Quintana] said Hilton shoved him three times and made numerous phone calls threatening his life...Her spokesman, Elliot Mintz, told reporters after the hearing: 'I've known Paris and worked with her, and the kind of person that was described on the stand this afternoon doesn't resemble the woman that I know.'"

Wait, shoving some dude and making threatening phone calls doesn't resemble your womanly client? That's absurd. If this was a match a charge from Column A with a celebrity from Column B, I'd instantly come up with the correct answer: shoving and threatening = Paris.

If Quintana had accused Paris of baking him cookies and not sucking M&M's out of his ass, then I'd agree with the spokesman and say, "You're right, doesn't resemble her."

Anyway, enough celebrity gossip from me. I had an off-day yesterday, and today I'm starting out with Paris Hilton jokes. I need a blogbreak.

Slack Link of the Day: Okay, I lied. This is another headline I bet you never thought you'd ever see -- "Woman Does 'Mouth-to-Beak' to Save Chicken."

Slack Song and Video of the Day: What do you get when you cross four white geeks, a black rap mogul and thousands of unwashed hippies, all crammed into Brooklyn's Keyspan Park?

You get 99 Problems and Big Pimpin' with the greatest back-up band on Earth, courtesy of YouTube.

I love this video for several reasons, and on many levels, but mostly I love the whiff of nostalgia it brings me as an eyewitness:

1. I used to live with the Ambiguously Gay Uno, and for at least a year I'd wake up every day as he was doing his post-shower exit interview, and the same Jay-Z Unplugged disc would be playing. And like clockwork, every day I entered the bathroom as Jay-Z and Mary J. Blige sang Can't Knock The Hustle. I really dug it, and I gained a lot of respect for the guy as an artist. Seeing him cross over into my world was therefore a really cool live music experience.

2. Look at how much fun the band is having up there. And, holy lord, look at how ridiculously white these guys are (especially with Trey's inexcusable June 2004 buzzcut). But on the other side, look at how shocked Jay-Z is at the warm reception from the audience. Thusly I get such an enormous kick out of it when he says, "You guys was hidin' all this, huh? You was hidin' all this from me. I felt it. I felt it" in between his two songs.

3. Between this show and Vegas 2000, I managed to catch two of the more impossibly paired guests in Phish's history: Kid Rock and Jay-Z. Who woulda thunk it?

Incidentally, if anyone knows where to find the Kid Rock video, I'd be forever gracious and insanely cunnilingual or fellatious. Whichever.


At 10:51 AM, Blogger Trix said...

Alright...I'm just gonna say it. When is that slutbag going to dissappear? Someone should shoot her to put us out of OUR misery.

At 11:05 AM, Blogger Don Fiedler said...

If everyone just stopped caring, she'd go away. The saddest thing about America today, other than the failure to make the Golden Girls Prequel a reality, is that there is a consumer demand for Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie, and whatever other horrid slut is milking fame out of severe malnourishment and an absence of talent.

At 11:13 AM, Blogger hoobs said...

Who would play the other characters in a Golden Girls prequel, I wonder? I keep thinking of SNL people. Cheri Oteri as Sophia, Will Ferrell as Dorothy, Victory Jackson as Rose...

At 11:26 AM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

I think Cheri and Victoria are just a bit too old for those parts...

I'm thinkin' Chris Kattan as Sophia, Darko Milicic as Dorothy and Amy Poehler as the lovable Rose Nylund.

At 1:08 PM, Blogger Mr. Underhill said...

Can't forget to give some love to The Roots, who were the backbone of the Jay-Z Unplugged CD.

At 2:04 PM, Blogger Alex Fritz said...

wow...Page is Dying up there. Awesome clip. I'm pretty jealous that you saw this in person.

Who's playing the triangle next to fishman?

At 2:19 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

That's Cyro Baptista, who played percussion with the Trey band for a cat. He's playing a show in NYC next week, I might have to hit that up.

And Mr. Underhill, you're right, I should have given The Roots a little plug there.

No more Golden Girls prequel jokes?

At 3:15 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...


I love it - Jay z - Yes, Yes.. As someone who was at both Rappers delights - I am thrilled you found this video. Where? Awesome stuff...

Brooklyn makes some noise... yells yeah!


At 3:42 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Do SNL guest alum count?

Christina Aguilera played a great oversexed aging Samantha from Sex in the City.

So she might be a good oversexed aging Blanche golden girl.

At 5:06 PM, Blogger ahren said...

oh, oh... you were at the kid rock appearance? me too.

i was tripping my brain off, and still trying to recover from the 2001 (did you see the giant spaceship energy ball that spontaneously erupted in the center of the arena, or was it just me?), when kid rock came out, and i was sure i had moved on to full-fledged hallucination stage.

"american band" was a great song choice though.


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