Monday, February 27, 2006

Schmaltz

Admittedly, this free web space of minor import is often teeming with the online equivalent of pointing and laughing. Tragic hurricanes, Schiavo surreality and the lameness of FDR's legs... none of it's ever really considered "too soon" here.

Slack LaLane's usually a sardonically callous jerkstore, a bastion of irreverence and incompetence and occasional incontinence. (Urinary only.) Every now and then, however, a story comes along that warms the cockles of even the coldest heart, a story you just have to see to believe. This is one of those stories:



I had planned to post that video a few days ago, but the footage was shown on ESPN, CNN, all the major networks and as many big-market newspapers as there are. Yet, even still, almost everyone I talked to about the story this weekend had not seen it. So now youse seen it. And like me, I hope at least some of you ladies cried like a bastard.

Just look at the crowd, the players, and the cheerleaders -- nobody has any idea what's going on, and rightfully so. Could you imagine being a high school senior, watching your team's coach plug the highly functioning autistic team manager into the game and witnessing him light up the other team with six three-pointers?

Dare I say...that's craisins. Simply craisins.

Slack Videos of the Day: While we're cupping YouTube's balls, here are some cool Premership compilation videos Donnie and I watched after Arsenal's disappointing loss to Blackburn this weekend: Steven Gerrard's Top 10 Goals & Frank Lampard: Midfield Maestro. Also check out Gerrard getting stiffed on a handshake by a little kid.

Slack Link of the Day: I feel like I've seen this before, but I just clicked on this essay and nearly hurt myself laughing -- Planes, Trains and Plantains: The Story of Oedipus. Holy lord, this is a must-read.

Slack Song of the Day: In honor of Mardi Gras' return, here's a cool show called the Mardi Gras All-Stars from 2/24/04 at BB King's in New York City. The MGAS are George Porter Jr., Eric Krasno, Ivan Neville, Jay Rodriguez and Russell Batiste, and if you recognize any of those names, you know this is some good shit. N'awlins, y'all. Just gotta love that Hey Pocky Way closer.

14 Comments:

At 9:24 AM, Blogger Matty Mac said...

Ace - you already know how I feel about that video via our email exchange, but I can;t express enough how fuckin cool that whole story is.

As I said earlier, I watched the story on ESPN this morning while at the gym. Tears running down my face as I ran on the treadmill.

 
At 9:34 AM, Blogger Matty Mac said...

Gerrard may be the deadliest striker from 25-35 yards out. That goal against Barthez from about 30 yards is craisins. He's got an absolute cannon for a foot. The best comment on that video is:

"Two goalkeepers in net couldn;t have saved that one"

 
At 10:08 AM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

I cry every time I watch that story, on ESPN, on CNN, on the YouTube clip...literally every time. What an amazing story.

I truly have no idea how some people, Gerrard especially, can strike the ball *that* hard and *that* low to the ground. Move over Rick Danko and Marco Benevento, my latest mancrush is a footballer.

 
At 10:37 AM, Blogger Mr. Underhill said...

Watching that (hadn't seen it before) will honestly make the rest of my day better. Thanks.

 
At 11:03 AM, Blogger Matty Mac said...

In college, my work-study job was in the Sports Medicine department as a student trainer assigned to the men's soccer team. I went to every practice and every game. I played through high school and tried my hand in college (but didn't fair very well). Most of the time, I did nothing at practice, so I would kick around and shoot on the goalies. After 4 years of doing this, I got pretty good at it. In no way can I even come close to shooting with the accuracy and velocity that Gerrard can. No one on the college team could even do that. To strike a ball, whether it is on the volley or set on the ground, and have it not spin is a feat unto itself and something that every striker tries to achieve. The more spin, the less velocity and accuracy. The less spin, it just cuts right through the air and moves like a knuckle ball. Gerrard is obviously a master of his craft, with both feet.

 
At 11:16 AM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Are you a highly functioning autistic, Matty? Sounds exactly like the hoops story...

 
At 11:40 AM, Blogger Matty Mac said...

I wouldn't say highly functioning is apropos in my case. More like "slightly functional", but let's not split hairs here. I never got to step on the field in uniform nor was I ever hot as a pistol. I could hand out the water like a motherfucker though and could tape a mean ankle. No one left thirsty or limping.

I did sleep with the autistic ballgirl though, does that count?

 
At 11:57 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I prefer the story about the high school kid in Ohio that plays football with no legs!!
I like this story, but it is not like the kid is missing limbs. He's autistic. I have an autistic kid as my neighbor, he can bury the three from anywere on the driveway. This kid is in the gym everyday and i'm sure he shoots with the team. I guess never being in a game and doing it is unbelievable. But seriously...NO LEGS? C'mon!!

 
At 12:01 PM, Blogger Jason Mulgrew said...

Here's an email exchange I just had with Jake Zebra after the first few comments:

Me: "Did you see the comments in Slack? So gay."

Zebra: "I don't understand what they're talking about though cause I can't play that video. What happens in the video? But the posts are terribly G. Capital G."

Me: "It's been on SportsCenter a lot...Some retard kid who manages his high school's basketball team gets to play in the last game of the season and drops 6 3-pointers in like two minutes. It's a good story and all, but enough already."

Zebra: "Actually it's a sad story because it's probably the last good thing he'll ever do in his life."

True, Zebra, very true.

 
At 12:04 PM, Anonymous stealy_fan said...

switching topics....can anyone believe that the Oedipus author got a D-?? I would have loved to see the teacher's reaction to reading that shit. Classic.

 
At 12:05 PM, Blogger Matty Mac said...

Once again, JM displays that the only emotions he possesses are lust, anger and fear of flying. However, Zebra makes a very good point. Someone get this kid to Vegas stat.

 
At 12:19 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Hey, Mulgrew, don't you have a budding writing career to piss away for selfish reasons? Go clean yourself up.

Seriously, the Oedipus thing is an instant classic...I mean, who gives that kid anything less than a B+? What a horrific teacher.

Page 3 cracks me up.

 
At 6:52 PM, Blogger NewmRadio said...

i just cried. What a beautiful story.

 
At 6:57 PM, Blogger NewmRadio said...

Oh yeah, it MAY be a full order of cranberries AND a full separate order of raisins. No?

 

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