Monday, February 13, 2006

You Sendin' The Wolf?

I don't mean to laugh, I really don't. After all, a man almost died this weekend. But seriously, when's the last time a sitting vice president shot someone in the face*?

When reached for comment, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice (above, right) expressed outrage that she'd been put on brain detail:

"Well I'm a mushroom-cloud-layin' motherfucker, motherfucker!" Dr. Rice exclaimed to the vice president. "Every time my fingers touch brain I'm Superfly TNT, I'm The Guns of the Navarone. In fact, what the fuck am I doin' in the back? You're the motherfucker should be on brain detail. We're fuckin' switchin' right now. I'm washin' the windows and you're pickin' up this nigger's skull."

I, for one, question Dr. Rice's commitment to the cause. I also question the jargon-like terminology of all these news reports. I know they were hunting and my familiarity with that language is lacking, but why does every quote from every doctor and every friend and every rancher involve the words "pepper" and "spray"?

How 'bout something simple, like "Cheney blew this septagenarian's goiter clean off?" No, instead we get lots of this:

"I don't know how much spray he has got... My understanding from the physicians is that after you get peppered, sometimes they need to do exploratory surgeries if it gets lodged in a little deeper. Sometimes, it's tweezers. I can't really comment on how extensively he was sprayed."

Maybe you can comment extensively on how big a douchebottle you are. Maybe not. Either way, jargon-hunters, I suggest in the future you be vewy, vewy quiet around this Dick.

(Thanks to PT's Xenobe for the photos.)

*Who's Aaron Burr? Isn't that the dude who played Perry Mason?

6 Comments:

At 1:19 PM, Blogger Kenny Alias said...

Word on the street is that Whittington was trying to get his hands on aluminum tubes to enrich uranium so Cheney tried to preemptively take him out.

He said he's tried it before with mixed results.

 
At 2:26 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Sad as it sounds, I believe your story.

 
At 3:57 PM, Blogger The Letter D said...

Isn't it amazing that even in an accident like this,the White House hasn't been forthcoming. We probably wouldn't have heard about it if a private citizen hadn't gone to the press.

Andy Card stated that although he knew about the incident Saturday night, he didn't know that Cheney was the shooter until Sunday morning.

Uh, excuse me, wouldn't that be covered in the first phone call? There's an shooting incident in a hunting trip with the VP. Wouldn't Card's first question be "Did the VP get shot?" And wouldn't the answer be "Hell no, he was the one who shot the sumbitch!"

Why couldn't Cheney just hold a brief press conference like this, "After receiving five draft deferments, I'm happy to report that I've finally had the chance to shoot someone. Any questions?"

I wonder if there will be any change in foreign policy after this? This must have been really cathartic for Cheney, finally shooting his load after all this time

 
At 4:28 PM, Blogger The Bourbon Samurai said...

We've been having a debate around the office:

Is this the most hilarious shooting of all-time? Provided the dude doesn't die of course, but even if he does, I can't recall any shooting that elicited a chuckle from me, much less the out and out guffaws that this one did.

 
At 5:31 PM, Blogger jakezebra said...

The "Jayson Williams Chauffeur blastoff" is funnier than the Cheney shooting. At least Cheney was out hunting, an activity where you should have loaded guns. All in all, it's an more normal scene than what likely occurred in J-Will's house. What the hell were they doing at his house, just boozing, shooting some stick, hell maybe playing cards. Screw it, thinks Jay-Dub, you know what would make this night better -- loaded motherfuckin' weapons. So he takes out a shotgun and they pass it around and marvel about how cool guns are, how powerful they feel, pretend to shoot some indians, even make gun noises with their mouths. Then your greek limousine driver is on the floor, fucking up your carpet, screaming and getting Tsatziki everywhere and certainly not driving you anywhere for the forseeable future. Penultimately, some of your friends dispose of your clothes and you jump in the pool for a quick swim. And finally, you try to tell the world that the man decided to committ suicide at your house, and oh he shot himself in the left side of his body with a shotgun. I think that's funnier.

 
At 10:59 AM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Zebra's right, Bourbon...Jay-Will is not even in the same ballpark. The guy had it all, the white guy analyst job, the rebounding chops, and he just gave it all up to play with a loaded shotgun and spill some Pita Pit all over the floor.

D, by the way, that's some great stuff right there. Had me at hello.

 

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