Wednesday, March 08, 2006

End of the World Party (Just In Case)

What a day for the crazies: North Korea, Iran, China, Hamas, everyone's bat-shit today (why should today be different than all other days?).

Iran opens the match by threatening us with "harm and pain," kind of like a crazier version of the King's Gambit.

And they can do it...Iran has enough uranium gas to make 10 nucular weapons, we says to the world, we says.

Enter Israel, a country that's pissed as hell and seriously planning to emulate the Jew from Dazed and Confused, sneaking up on that dominant male monkey motherfucker Clint Iran at the Moontower. I have a feeling Israel's going to attack one day, the United States will play the part of Benny and hold people back, the United Nations of Pink and Wooderson will eventually break it up and "Tuesday's Gone" will blare over the world's loudspeaker. Aerosmith tickets!

But Israel has it own problems, folks, as those lovable old government reformers from Hamas have launched a kid-friendly website encouraging the little ones to be martyrs...because nothing says "legitimate government" quite like a state-run Internet propaganda tool that recruits children to blow themselves up for the cause.

Hey, at least Hamas ain't got no nukes...all they have are rocks and beards. Wait, but North Korea's in charge of a few missiles, and they're nuttier than squirrel turds. "Hey military," says Kim Jong-Il, "les all get in my low rider and test two surface-to air-missiles near the Chinese border, ese." I don't know why he sounds like he's Spanish, but he's craisins.

Speaking of the Chinese, the dot-commies are policing the Internets like no nation in the world...30,000 people stand atop the Great Firewall, cracking down on democratic themes on the interweb. The Chinee government says "No Tubgirl for you." Perhaps no Tubgirl, but they sure do have a wicked case of the bird flu over there, and that's fun for the whole family.

Finally, in a bit of breaking news, camouflaged Iraqi gunmen stormed the offices of a private security company in the disastrous region and kidnapped as many as 50 employees. Coming soon to a website near you, desperate pleas from crying civilians and more threats of senseless beheadings. Sounds just like the type of porn I'm into.

All the while, most major networks and cable news channels this morning has been focusing on Dana Reeve's tragic death from lung cancer. That's right, with all these stories going on today alone, why not devote most of this morning's time to the fake Superman's wife?

It's the end of the world as we know it. And I feel tired fine.

Slack Song of the Day: For a dark day, I give you the Man in Black. Billed as the "Holy Land Concert" and broadcast on BBC Radio, here's a little Johnny Cash from December 26th, 1968. The show's missing June Carter, but the sound quality on this is fantastic...


At 10:59 AM, Anonymous aaron benor said...

laaaaame. you actually care about "world issues" and not just fluff?

meh... you used to be cool...


At 11:48 AM, Blogger Kenny Alias said...

Ironically, the Jew in Dazed and Confused was best friends with Tony, the guy who played the anti-semite in School Ties.

At 12:03 PM, Blogger Don Fiedler said...

The real "Jew" in Dazed & Confused was Pink, who refused to share his considerable quarterbacking prowess with the rest of the team.

At 1:19 PM, Blogger WakkaJewbacca said...

You do realize that she wasn't even his wife when they were making the Superman movies?

At 1:24 PM, Blogger WakkaJewbacca said...

Also, you do realize that Clint, that super macho male dominant mother fucker turned it around and stated kicking the shit out of the Seinfeld from the 70's wannabe right? You analogy makes no sense at all. If anything Israel is Clint, and Seinfeld is Iran. So Seinfreld (Iran) attacks or provokes Clint (Israel), so Clint (Israel) starts kicking the shit out of Seinfeld (Iran), and until Pink (the UN) and Wooderson (the US) stop Clint (Israel) from destroying Seinfeld (Iran) once and for all.

At 1:25 PM, Anonymous JMoney said...

I love how the news say "actress Dana Reeve" when everyone knows damn well she's only famous as Mrs. Superman. IMDB says she was in 2 eps of L&O and 4 of OZ. Impressive.

Oh, superman, where are you now?
When everything's gone wrong somehow?
The men of steel, these men of power
Are losing control by the hour.

There's too many men, too many people
Making too many problems
And there's not much love to go round
Can't you see this is a land of confusion?

At 1:31 PM, Blogger rob ronanea said...

whoa, how do i already have a blogger profile? that's weird...

At 4:22 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

What a real shitshow in the comments section today...makin' fun of cheap Jews, takin' shots at my analogies, wonderin' how you have a profile already -- classic commenting.

I really do love the song Land of Cunfusion, though. That was a great video.

And for the record, my analogy kicks your analogy's ass, wakka. Yeah, I said it.


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