Monday, March 20, 2006

We'll 'Take Nails on the Chalkboard,' Dick

As the famed Mr. Clark may introduce, "Describe these 'Things that annoyed the shit out of me this weekend.' It's also tonight's 7-11. Get all seven correct and you win $1,100. These are 'Things that annoyed the shit out of me this weekend.' Ready? Go."

Let's Go Out to the Lobby...
Hoobs and I took in a near-midnight Saturday showing of the new mockumentary Confederated States of America at the IFC Center around the corner from my apartment.

The movie itself -- a reality-suspended what-if about American history that presupposes the South won the War of Northern Aggression -- was negligible despite an interestingly clever premise with gobs of potential for dexterous wit. What could have been a showcase for provocative, unconventional thought turned out to be a top-heavy film utterly devoid of subtlety. In the end it stretched far too thin, and the finished film suffered from a lack of true comedy.

And while the movie lacked good humor, the movie theater lacked Sno-Caps. It's not just the IFC that's guilty here, either. There's been a criminally foolish pro-business movement across the country to rid the concession shelves of my long-time favorite movie candy: Nestle's Classic Semi-Sweet Chocolate Nonpareils, better known by their nom de cocoa, Sno-Caps.

This trend towards a candy counter sans non-pees is wrong on many levels, but mostly I find it to be overtly racist. We're unconsciously moving to a pareil-only society, with pareil-only establishments, and what's worse, the general apathy of the American public on this issue is appalling. What the fuck have Milk Duds done for anybody besides injure the jaw and damage expensive dental work? Let us not marginalize the non-pareils, let us enjoy them as part of any nutritional breakfast.

Piss-Poor NCAA Mersh Part I
I tell you this...if I ever see those two fuckdicks from the "Three Hour Tourrr" Applebee's Shrimp Sensations "Gilligan" commercials on the street, I will beat them about the face, breast, chest, neck and head with their own instruments. There are no two people on the planet I'd rather see Abu Ghraibed than these no-good fonzanoons. Holy shit, CBS, remember to let moderation be your guide.

Piss-Poor NCAA Mersh Part II
Same goes for the two douchebottles in the Cingular cell phone commercial containing the cringe-inducing phrase "March Sadness." Memo to the shitface who keeps experiencing dropped calls and overage charges: that smug Asian dude has been telling you to switch plans for two fucking years, and just look how content he seems. If you had listened to him from the get-go (always trust a Chinaman when it comes to electronics, roundeye), none of us would have to be subjected to your shitty repartees.

Okay, so there's no 7-11. There isn't even a Mystery 7. There's just those three items. But I feel much better now.

Slack Link of the Day: U.S. Navy 1, Pirates on the Open Seas 0.

Slack Video of the Day: I had my first fantasy beisbol draft of the year last night, splitting a team with roommate Dorsey. It went perfectly, according to plan, according to Garp, and now I'm pumped for the games to start in earnest. So here's a little something to get you excited for the upcoming 2006 baseball season. Not a fan of the Bombers? Allright, in the interest of equal time, here's a Big Papi man-blast from a WBC game against Cuba.

Slack Song of the Day: I was going to hoard this one and only send it out to friends, but I've decided to throw this show up on YouSendIt and leave a link here for download.

It's a decent recording of two Bob Dylan sessions, one with George Harrison in New York 1970 and one with Carl Perkins and Johnny Cash in Nashville 1969. You can read all about it here and here.


At 10:48 AM, Blogger ethan said...

obviously i dig the yanks video, but that thing must've taken forever to compile. i mean, how far back does one have to go to find a clip of bernie making a diving catch on a ball in front of him? 1999?

At 11:21 AM, Blogger Matty Mac said...

Bernie didn't dive, his knee actually gave out and he happened to make the catch.

Papi's homerun: best homerun pimp, ever.

At 11:27 AM, Blogger ethan said...

cmon matty. jeffrey leonard and the one flap down was the best homerun pimp ever.

At 11:29 AM, Blogger Matty Mac said...

Maybe, but did Leonard throw his bat and almost kill 4 people near the on-deck circle?

At 11:42 AM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

As Joey Styles used to say: "Catfiiiiiiight."

Nothing about Sno-Capo? C'mon, folks, eyes on the prize.

At 12:06 PM, Blogger Matty Mac said...

No catfight here. I don't even know who Jeffrey Leonard is. I was just playing along.

And for the record, I can;t stand Sno-Caps. But I'd be willing to join your fight to get them back into theaters.

At 12:25 PM, Anonymous Scotty B said...

I agree I hate snocaps, but i'm always down for a good consumer fight to get something back on the shelves.

Maybe now you can help me with my crusade to bring back chocodiles and pudding pops.

At 12:29 PM, Blogger hoobs said...

First of all, how do people hate sno-caps? They're basically just chocolate chips.

Perhaps the decline of nonpareils is due to the candy's French lineage, and apparently there is no room for anything French in these United States. Maybe they should change nonpareils' name to "Unequaled Freedom Chips."

At 12:32 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Unequaled Freedom Chips -- that is, how you say, brilliant.

Scotty, appreciate the backup, kind sir -- I will do my part to help you get your foodstuffs back. Let me know where to sign or send the e-mail. This world has been pudding pop free for too long, I says. Stand together.

At 1:21 PM, Blogger ethan said...

i have serious concerns for anyone who would choose sno-caps over sour patch kids as movie sustenance. nothing improves a movie-going experience quite like your tongue disintegrating an hour in.

At 2:59 PM, Blogger MDS said...

how do people hate sno-caps? They're basically just chocolate chips.

I just love that comment. As if it's inconceivable that a person could hate chocolate chips.

At 3:05 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

What about:

"You did two things when you got off that bus that you've never done before, at least not at the same time. Shake my hand and look me square in the eye"

"where'd that come from?"

I mean could our military try and appeal to socioeconomically challenged people any more, by loading up NCAA hoops action with ads for the military.

At 3:10 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Interesting point, Anon. I'm with you on those military ads, except for one big thing: The casting is fantastic! They got Dick Stensland from LA Confidential and Marla from Boston Public to appear in those ads as parents -- that's super-sweet.

MDS, to be honest, if you don't like chocolate chips, you're not welcome here. Disliking chocolate chips is basically a laminated card for the Communist Party: whooly unAmerican.

At 3:16 PM, Blogger hoobs said...

Indeed, sometimes I forget that there are people out there that do not like chocolate. But, as evidenced, by Ethan's comment about sourpatch kids, there are all sorts of candy lovers. So forgive me, misguided non-chocolate people...What a great country where a man is free to choose his preference in candy candy; from sour patch kids to sno-caps, nerds to goobers, or even to "mix-in" candy with popcorn. Movie theaters must retain this diversity, or I believe the terrorists have won.

At 4:04 PM, Blogger ethan said...

good point hoobs - you must love those candy-popcorn combo things (supposed to be for kids, but that hasn't stopped me from getting them).

as to the military ads comment from anon - is there some widely accepted belief that poor folks like college hoops? the nfl and nba, even nascar, sure. but really, especially given the breadth of college hoops nowadays (espn, espn2, espnU, the internets), i would challenge the assumption that march madness is a big craze among the lower class. i'm fairly confident march madness is followed much more closely by the middle and upper classes.

At 4:05 PM, Blogger Gypsy Rose said...

Nope. Uh uh. There is a right answer to the Sour Patch Kids V. Sno-caps debate. It’s Sno-caps and I’ll tell you why. (Did you really think I wouldn’t?)

For one, Sno-caps have two different textures, so they feel good in your mouth. So that’s like sexy, right? And for two, Sno-caps are chocolate and chocolate contains phenylethylamine (PEA) the “love chemical.”

Sour Patch Kids, on the other hand, just contain lots and lots and lots of sugar.

So you see, people who like Sno-caps are sexy whereas people who like Sour Patch Kids are probably just like… spastic. Sorry Ethan.

At 5:02 PM, Blogger ethan said...

gypsy - my spasticism aside, i have two responses:

1 - um, sour patch kids have two textures as well. once you get all the sugar (one texture) off, you're left with a gummy kid (second texture).

2 - chocolate-schmocolate. alcohol is a better love chemical. and if you're not smuggling cans of pbr into the theater to go along with your sour patch kids, well, i suggest you all try it (don't use bottles - waaay too noisy when you accidentally kick them down the stairs).

At 5:38 PM, Blogger Boski93 said...

Aaaarrrrrgg, I made the error of taking the pirates and the points.

Sweet a Hackman reference. The One Flap Down, best homer trot, ever!

Long live the Hackman.

At 5:42 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

As always, I'm with Gypsy...even though Ethan rebutted the dual texture argument, SPKs provide a shittier dual texture. And, really, do you really want a box of sour shit while you sit through a two-hour flick? No, you want chocolate. I know you want chocolate. I know it.

At 7:19 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Although I am definitely not a fan of the Applebee's commercial (although I must admit I almost ordered some shrimp sensations), I think the Sonic "get that tot action out of here" is one of the funnier commercials I've seen in a while.


Post a Comment

<< Home