Friday, May 05, 2006

Memories of Heaven and Hell

Get ready, tomorrow's the 132nd running of the Kentucky Derby, an event that classifies as one of the awesomest and least awesome occasions on The Gods' Green Earth.

For those who've never been to the Derby, Churchill Downs is very demographically similar to the Titanic: You've got the stinkin' rich folks in the grandstand with their foolish hats and flowery dresses and fashionable monocles drinking mint juleps and asking "Where did Buffy go?" in a type of Midwestern lockjaw that's equally laughable and pitiful.

That scene's high-lariously juxtaposed by a celebratory Mardi Gras atmosphere on the infield, where about 100,000 immature 15-30 year-olds congregate in the name of grain alcohol and flashing titties. It's the dichotomous story of the haves and the have-alcohol poisonings. And of the wastoids on the infield, I'd venture to say 95 percent of them don't see a horse all day, unless you count the girl with the incredibly long face and big teeth.

The day is grueling, largely spent soaking in the sun and sweating out whatever you put in your body. By the end of the day you want to kill or maim people, weaving to find an exit through fight-picking belligerents, staggering amateurs and liquid pools of food-deprived vomit. I caught one glimpse of eventual winner Fusaichi Pegasus (2000 Derby) near the beginning of the day's big race and headed for the car, downtrodden and ready to get the fuck out of Dodge.

Here's my one vivid memory of the day: As we were walking out, The Boston Firekid and I watched a skinny white girl timidly standing in front of a huge black dude standing on a milk crate, pants around his ankles. The girl, bewildered and drunk, had a cheering section of the big dude's friends, all loudly chanting "Suck it, suck it, suck it."

She may not have seen a horse all day long, but at that moment she was staring eye-to-eye with a horsecock. At that point, I knew we were in a part of the world as lawless as the open water. I take a toke off my one-hitter and smiled, then frowned, then headed for the exit.

Instead of sleeping there, we hit the road a few hours later, and I fell asleep knowing that'd be my first and last time at the Kentucky Derby. What a fantastic and terrible afternoon.

My pick: I wouldn't be surprised if chalk held up and Brother Derek won, or if one of Bob Baffert's three horses deliver him a win. But I'm taking 10-1 Sweetnorthernsaint to win and Jim J. Bullock to block.

Slack Link of the Day: Back Page Phil on the other side of the pond sent over this gem of a electroal story: "A former mayor of St Albans lost his council seat after an election tie was settled by getting the candidates to pick the longest pencil." Since the eventual winner was a chick, frankly I'm surprised she had the longest pencil.

Slack Video of the Day: A man, a ukelele, a rock in Central Park and a Beatles tune for the ages -- While My Ukelele Gently Weeps. Dig it.

Slack Video of the Day II: Another day, another Tea Leaf Green link. If you're interested in seeing what these guys look like on stage as a result of my incessant fluffing, here's a full-length professionally shot video of the boys in Vegas. Well done.

Slack Song of the Day: Anyone in the mood for some solid organ-ship? I sure am, so youse got no choice. From August 19, 2005 at The Independent, here's Robert Walter's Super Heavy Organ (feat. Skerik on sax, Johnny Vidacovich on drums and James Singleton on bass) with 2% Body Fat, 34 Small, Inside Straight and Instant Karma.

9 Comments:

At 3:45 PM, Blogger Don Fiedler said...

Those aren't really horses...they're brooms.

 
At 3:50 PM, Blogger Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Well, Slack, you just helped me plan my weekend. All I need is a milk crate and an objectionable-looking, white girl, a crowd, and a bigger penis.

 
At 4:15 PM, Blogger Guss said...

awesome video of TLG.

 
At 4:49 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Well, I'm glad I can help people with their weekend plans...it's the least I can do.

That TLG video is indeed awesome...I love when bands let the cameras film all professional and lovey dovey.

 
At 11:24 PM, Anonymous cletus said...

Sounds like a typical yankee beeotch. Sack up--absolutely the greatest two minutes in sports (and one of our nation's greatest sporting traditions), large black penises notwithstanding. BTW, nice pick--y'all stick to baseball 'ya hear...

 
At 8:13 PM, Anonymous Greg said...

Sweetnorthernsaint actually was a great pick, he looked dynamite on the sheets... I got him off at 8.5-1 in futures and watched his odds at the track go down like I knew they would... and then my longshot bet (AP Warrior) bumped him out of the gate and fucked me two times...

 
At 10:28 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This just goes to show that everybody sees their own things in the form. From my view, you've got to throw out the Ill. derby which had no major players in it and is hardly a first rate derby tune-up. After that, the best race he won was a 57k allowance in MD prior to losing to not even pletcher's best--seems far from awe-inspiring. Not trying to hate but seems more likely it wasn't 'the smart money' but rather the one-day-a-year handicappers (many of whom probably not fluent in 'midewestern lockjaw' and really liking the 'northern' in there) were probably the ones dropping things, but that is just speculation. I was just hoping it wouldn't be fellow yokels like myself doing the same to bluegrass cat but, as in a few other things that may or may not have turned out for the best, looks like the yanks won out there... Back to the point, I realize hindsight is 20-20 but don't understand why, if you are going to go against the undefeateds, you wouldn't take a real price, which there was no shortage of, with at least some stakes success.

 
At 12:13 AM, Anonymous Greg said...

When I said he looked great on the sheets, I wasn't referencing the basic form, but the Ragozin sheets (www.thesheets.com)... not sure if you're familiar with them, but it sounds like you might be, I generally weight them fairly heavily myself....

 
At 8:58 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I see...Have heard of but never used those before. Not sure if you are still following this, but is there a good, cheap way to get these?

 

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