Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Thanks for the Free Parking

I have the same exact conversation three or four times a day. Sometimes it's fun, sometimes it's frustrating, sometimes it's brief and sometimes it's lengthy. But it's always about parking.

"Excuse me, can I park here?"
"Nope, sorry."
"But the sign says..."
"No, it doesn't. The sign is a ruse, a cunning attempt to trick you. Sorry, but you best be moving elsewhere."
"Bloomberg, that fucking Jew. I hate this city."

Since parking in New York City is harder to find than a member of the service industry that speaks fluent English, it's basically a free-for-all on the streets of Manhattan. Drivers will park anywhere they can find, and most of the time they'll chance a risky spot. There's ample space on Bleecker in front of my apartment, but there's one little catch:

Most people will read that sign and think they're okay, not realizing that one sign says 6 PM - 6 AM and the other says the opposite. So people park there at will and come back to hefty fines, then curse the DoT. Hey, when you think you've found parking gold, you hesitate to scratch it on something to see if the paint rubs off.

Making things easy ain't the job of the city government. In fact, they're job is quite the opposite; they're revenue-generators. They want your money so they can educate kids and put on public displays and maintain the so-so cleanliness of the city.

But clearly this sign should read, "YOU CAN ONLY PARK HERE FROM 6 AM to 6 PM ON SATURDAYS AND SUNDAYS -- DON'T FUCK WITH US." Anything less could be argued as entrapment.

And it'd certainly spare me having to decide which people I want to warn and which I think look like they deserve a $100+ ticket.

Slack Link of the Day: Today's top story should feature everyone's favorite corpulent hypocrite, Rush Limbaugh, who was detained at the airport yesterday by Customs officers after they found a bottle of Viagra in his possession. Remember Rush, the pill-popping user who didn't get locked up with the key thrown away as he so often suggested before his arrest? Yeah, that guy, that guy who just got caught with illegal Viagra at the airport. Him.

No, instead we'll go light and bring you the story of a haircutting salon with a stripper pole. Oh, Provincetown, how civilized ye be.

Slack Videos of the Day: I'm back on The Sports Guy bandwagon. I've been on and off this guy more than his wife, but right now I'm on 'im. Well, Simmons has officially thrown his hat into the YouTube ring, chronicling his favorite clips on the site in his latest column. I can't say I agree with some of his choices, but this is a must-read for anyone with testes between the ages of 18 and 35.

Slack Song of the Day: I've been talking her up a bunch, but I'm not sure I've ever really posted any of her music. So check out some Grace Potter & The Nocturnals this fine morning -- here's her version of the oft-covered Mystery Train, Nothing But the Water, Stop the Bus and Take It All Away from this year's Wakarusa Music Festival.


At 12:28 PM, Blogger Trix said...

No different here in Chicago. In fact, I owe Mayor Daley about $1100.00 at the moment. Bastard.

At 12:59 PM, Blogger ahren said...

grace potter opened for the flecktones in sante fe last week...

...and i forgot to go.

i rule.

At 1:03 PM, Blogger rob ronanea said...

mmmmmmm grace

At 1:46 PM, Blogger Momentary Academic said...

I'm glad I gave up my car. Stupid parking rules.

At 1:54 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Yeah, as a non-driver in NYC, I couldn't care less about the lack of parking in the city. In fact, I encourage ticketing, it puts more money in the city's coffers for me to take advantage of in some way. Maybe I should just stop warning people.

And ahren, you suck dude. How much heads up I gotta give a brotha?

At 2:07 PM, Blogger MDS said...

I call the police on parking violators about once a week, on average. I'm the neighborhood watch when it comes to parking. I encourage drug dealers and prostitutes to operate in my neighborhood all they like, but everyone has to draw the line somewhere, and I draw the line at illegal parking.

At 2:11 PM, Blogger MDS said...

Re Limbaugh, the dude isn't married. Are any of his evangelical Christian supporters going to express outrage that he's on Viagra?

And Ace, I'm with you on Simmons. I was quite down on him for a while, but the combination of his Malcolm Gladwell stuff and this YouTube column have gotten me back on the Simmons bandwagon.

At 2:22 PM, Blogger The Letter D said...

Wait a minute, Rush was coming back from a trip to the Dominican Republic with Viagra in tow? Did he take a "sex vacation"? Unless he's scouting baseball players, who takes two day vacations to the Domincan Republic?

Talk about jobs that Americans don't want to do.

I can't take credit for this line, but I hear he's charging his motto to "Talent on loan from Pfizer."

At 3:34 PM, Blogger Michael said...

I used to live near that sign. I love that sign.

At 4:25 PM, Blogger ethan said...

as long as the sports guy doesn't talk about baseball he is good. his sox columns are just awful, but his nba columns are the sole reason i even remotely follow that pro hoops. and good point on his curious guy columns - great addition to his repetoire.

At 4:50 PM, Blogger MDS said...

Yeah, Ethan, good point. A big part of the reason I'm back on the Simmons bandwagon is that the NBA playoffs just ended and the NBA draft is about to begin, and those are probably the two events that he does the best job writing about. I can guarantee I won't be reading him in October.

At 6:45 PM, Blogger John Flowers said...

And shouldn't we have the technology by now to be able to park in front of fire hydrants without getting in the fire department's way? Because those spaces are about 100 feet of prime real estate on every block that are going unused.

At 11:16 AM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

I always thought fire hydrants were suggested no parking areas. No? Fuck it, how often are there fires in the city? And if there are, I think it'll be a nice purge, so we can put up better high rises. It'll be like scorch and grow or whatever the devil those farmers did back then.


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