Monday, July 10, 2006

I'm On Board, Zizou

So I was just walking toward the water cooler for a tasty cup of agua fria this morning when a co-worker of mine came shooting down the hall the other way. And even though she's a chick, and pregnant at that, I really thought about head-butting her right in that milky chest. Head butts are the new cock punches.



I say fuck the haters, man. You've already won a World Cup, you've already won a Euro Cup, you've already been named three-time World Football Player of the Year and Best European Footballer of the last 50 years. You've played in three World Cups, scored in two World Cup final games, put home one goal already and almost found the net on another had it not been for that William Fichtner-lookin' greaseball with the goalkeeper gloves.

So why go out with another pedestrian World Cup title? Why retire from international play like a boring Pete Sampras when you can opt to drive the craziest head butt the world hath ever seen into the chest of some dumb guinea with incredible precision and mastery and still win the Golden Ball award for the tournament's best player. Just doesn't get much cooler than that.

I'm a fan of the move. Mike Lupica and The Sports Reporters (and their foreign counterparts) will be up in arms about this shit for decades, but I wholeheratedly endorse it. I mean, how many times do you see someone lock in and butt their baguette into an opponent's chest like that? Seriously, think about that. You floored a 6'4 tough-as-nails I-talian defender with one shot with your crown. No cheap shot punches, no pussy slaps, no jujitsu shit, just a hooligan-tough noggin knock to the sternum. Not bad for a Frenchy.

Someone just showed me these little thingies, several pieces of new evidence as to why the Internets are awesome, so I pass on to you:

http://neszidane.ytmnd.com/
http://zidaneexplains.ytmnd.com/
http://zidaneownsfidelcastro.ytmnd.com/
http://materazzishell.ytmnd.com/
http://zidanerocksout.ytmnd.com/
http://zidanewantscandy.ytmnd.com/
http://francefighter.ytmnd.com/
http://emca.ytmnd.com/
http://zidanedeathstar.ytmnd.com/
http://zidanedamage.ytmnd.com/
http://medievalzidane.ytmnd.com/
http://zidanecannibalism.ytmnd.com/

Any thoughts on what Materazzi could have said to inspire the Zidanian ire? ANy other lingering issues from the WC you want to bring up before it's too late? Since we tied Italy, does this mean we're, like, tied for the best team in the world? No?

9 Comments:

At 12:22 PM, Blogger ethan said...

did the refs actually see it live, or did they only see it on jumbotron?

 
At 12:34 PM, Blogger ilya said...

great post. i wholeheartedly agree - materazzi had it coming. a guy at the bar i was watching at speculated he made an ethnic slur, given zidane is algerian and all. on the other hand i think a good yo mama joke could have done it after that header got blocked.

 
At 1:08 PM, Blogger jakezebra said...

Buffon looks more like he should sway under this moonlight, this serious moonlight

 
At 1:11 PM, Anonymous Reverenddave said...

Great links but missing the best one. Deadspin has one done up like Mortal Kombat.

 
At 2:05 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Good point, ilya...I actually heard Materazzi told him his mom was so Algerian that fossil fuels account for 30 percent of her GDP. That's wicked.

Mortal Kombat's good and all, but I think the Nintendo one is clearly the best. The Internets are swell. God Bless Al Gore.

 
At 2:32 PM, Blogger Don Fiedler said...

First, play this:

http://tonaz.altervista.org/zidane.html

Then, consider:

A Brazilian TV station hired some deaf people to read Materazzi's lips. Apparently, he said "your mother's a whore" twice and then gave ZZ the old "Vafungolo". If you watch the replay from the French goal angle and look at the transcript of what he allegedly said, it pretty much lines up.

Here's the angle:

http://bolavermelho.blogspot.com/

And here's what he said:

"tua sorella è una putana! tua sorella è una putana! vaffanculo!"

But then, a European anti-racist watchdog reported that ZZ was called a "dirty terrorist" though, when asked, Materazzi said that he doesn't know what the word "terrorist" means.

http://today.reuters.co.uk/news/newsArticle.aspx?type=worldFootball News&storyID=2006-07-10T172825Z_01_L10429710_RTRIDST_0_S OCCER-WORLD-FRANCE-ZIDANE-MATERAZZI-UPDATE-1.XML

 
At 6:02 PM, Blogger ahren said...

definitely the coolest thing that's ever happened or ever will happen in a soccer game. hands down. end of discussion.

that said... why is the italian guy not getting more credit for this whole thing? what an awesome move he made (whatever he said) to get zidane to lose his shit and get thrown out of the game, quite possibly leading to an italian world cup victory. as far as gamesmanship goes, this has to be the top accomplishment of all time.

 
At 8:00 PM, Blogger lighterate said...

agreed, the greatest thing I've ever seen on the pitch - real brutality and not some pussy clutching his ankle

 
At 7:49 AM, Anonymous futblogger said...

"Sorella" actually means "sister" - Materazzi, as a good Italian always said mothers are sacred.
Now, sisters, they're up for grabs.

 

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