Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Quotation Test

I'm short on time and long on actual work, so let's all take a little quiz together this morning. Which personality delivered this quote to a big impressionable audience of schoolchildren yesterday: "Right now, I would love to kill George Bush."

a. Billionaire investor George Soros
b. Angry comedian Lewis Black
c. Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
d. Rising rapper Chamillionaire
e. Nobel Peace Prize winner Betty Williams

If you guessed (e.), Nobel peace laureate Betty Williams, you'd be absolutely correct. Not that I condone violence on world leaders -- because, like making fun of fatties and cripples, I hate that -- but this chick just rose a few thousand spots on my All-Time Cool Beans List. I mean, first she wins the Nobel Peace Prize, then she threatens our president with an arse-kicking 30 years later. Brilliant.

So that begs the question...who would you like to kill right now (scot-free with no consequences of course)? Taylor Hicks for that stupid Ford mersh? Wolf Blitzer for boring us to tears? The fictional George Hearst for fucking with Al Swearengen? Tim McCarver for years of aural abuse? Isiah Thomas? Your neighbor's dog? Let's hear it.

Slack Link of the Day: ESPN fired Baseball Tonight analyst Harold Reynolds yesterday, refusing to explain its reasons for doing so. I guess he had sex with someone's momma, or perhaps with his own wife. With Gammons on the DL and now Reynolds in the can, this doesn't bode well for the future of the program, because Jeff Brantley and Steve Phillips are just about the two biggest idiots that have ever been on television. I don't know what happened, but I suspect BBTN will suffer from 2005 Philadelphia Eagles Syndrome. I'm picturing Harold doing sit-ups in his driveway right now.

Slack Videos of the Day: I just can't seem to get this song out of my head. The fucking cops are trying to catch this poor guy riding dirty, and he feels the need to complain about that in a public forum. It's basically like he's blogging. We really have a lot in common. So here's my buddy Chamillionaire explaining how he's being unfairly targeted whilst trying to ride dirty. Sweet video blog, dude.

Next, grant me one more musical indulgence and then I'm done forever. GRAB + Billie Jean + Cleveland Rocks + Cool Venue = Niceness. I love the guy laughing maniacally.

Slack Song of the Day: Lukas and I made an uncharacteristic, impromptu decision to hit up the Karl Denson Trio at the Blue Note last night (many thanks to John for the friendly text reminder). I'm a big Denson fan, and I've seen the Greyboy Allstars on both coasts over the last few months, but this particular show was the very definition of mediocrity. He played nothing worse than average, yet nothing came even remotely close to approaching great.

Two (blue) notes: Denson broke out the flute for an early number, an instrument that has been completely stripped of all legitimacy since Anchorman. My brain just kept saying "yazz flute, yazz flute, yazz flute, yazz flute." Also, I couldn't help but notice that while Denson is a supremely amazing flautist, he's still just playing the fucking flute. The flute!

So in honor of Mr. D's better days, here are Front Money and What So... from this year's JamCruise, and from the Greyboy catalogue, Jack Rabbit and Cramp Your Style from JazzFest 2004. I also like Denson's early work when he was known as Chamillionaire, namely Ridin' Dirty. Okay, maybe that's not Karl. But it's awesome. Or not.


At 11:22 AM, Blogger Some Dude said...

I was floored by the Harold Reynolds thing. While I do enjoy the neckless Kruk, Reynolds is their best analyst besides Gammons.

At 11:35 AM, Blogger Don Fiedler said...

HR clearly banged his own wife. Or, dare I say, Gammons' wife? Heard he popped her right in the Diamond Notes.

At 12:13 PM, Blogger Some Dude said...


At 12:24 PM, Blogger Derek said...

Gah! Reynolds fired?? He was the only ex-player analyst who looked like he actually belonged there. Kruk is horrible to watch, I'm constantly distracted by counting how many chins he has. As a Yankee fan, I can't take Tino Martinez seriously as an analyst with his impossibly well combed hair. And Hersheiser, don't get me started.

At 12:33 PM, Blogger PaulNoonan said...

Winning a Nobel Peace Prize just isn't that impressive. Kofi won it, and he's a douchebag. Jimmy Carter won it, and while some people like Jimmy Carter, he hasn't, you know, done anything impressive. Ever. And while people love Mother Teresa, she sucks too.

And Arafat won the stupid thing too.

And frickin Gandhi never won the thing.

Nobel winners routinely start fights, or turn into lazy layabouts, or advocate policies to keep people poor. It was only a matter of time before some winner advocated the assasination of a world leader.

Reynolds was OK, but really, without Gammons they are all second rate. Kruk is just nuts. Well...nut anyway.

At 12:44 PM, Blogger Mr. Underhill said...

I would kill John Basedow, despite Ace's halloween costume circa '04. I mean, that new, blond hair is just about the most ridiculously offensive thing I have ever seen, with the possible exception of his unexplainable arrogance.

Also, I would kill Jack Cafferty. And I would torture the sh*t out of him first.

Oh, and John Scherer, the Video Professor, too. I am not going to buy your "product" even if you are now offering it free, with free shipping and twenty bucks if you don't like it and Microsoft Encarta '98 with it, too. Now, offer me a kidney or your hot daughter, and we can talk.

At 12:56 PM, Anonymous Rashid Z. Muhammad said...

Ridin is a second-rate knockoff of Sir Mix-A-Lot's seminal anti-profiling song One Time's Got no Case.

I'm tired of these young uns doing the same thing I heard back in the day with nothing but the suck qoutient turned up. Though for what it's worth, Cha's production is better.

At 12:56 PM, Blogger ethan said...

brantley, dibble, tino, macfarlane (remember him?) - they all suck.

but steve phillips sucks worse. the other nite he went on a tirade (which HR inexplicably supported - perhaps why he was fired?) about how the yanks absolutely must trade a-rod. and this guy was a fucking real life gm. ludicrous. even in ny, has one bad week (what is he, 6-32 with a few e's?) EVER lead to such insane conclusions?

i can't even think about this without breaking things.

At 1:07 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Ethan, right on about Phillips and A-Rod...Roommate Dorsey and I were watching that and having a competition about who can turn red and stutter faster. I could not believe that. Yeah, let's patch together a trade for A-Rod when his trade value couldn't be lower, and hopefully we can sell for 75 cents on the dollar. Great call.

Thanks for the history, Rashid...I've nevr heard the Sir Mixx song, and until recently I'd never heard the Chamillionaire song. I wish I hadn't heard it either, it's both terrible and INCREDIBLY catchy. I can't stop singing it. It's unreal.

Don't fuck with John Basedow, Underhill. That man is comedy gold. And Cafferty gets a reprieve just for the historical "For Kaity Tong, I'm Jack Cafferty, Seinfeld is next" signoff.

Noonan, congrats on the Kruk joke there -- I was wondering who'd be the first. You win a steak knife, courtesy of Slack LaLane Cutlery, Inc.

At 1:11 PM, Anonymous Rashid Z. Muhammad said...

Yeah I was gonna say, I don't think that Reynolds sucked, but there was definitely nothing special about him. I think he generally got the job done without looking like an idiot any more than the average analyst looks like an idiot (which is endemic to the proffession).

As for Phillips, I almost choked when I heard that he was an ESPN analyst. He is the only person on Earth who has managed to make Bobby Valentine a sympathetic calendar.

At 1:13 PM, Anonymous Rashid Z. Muhammad said...

Errr... character too...

At 1:17 PM, Anonymous Rashid Z. Muhammad said...

Yeah Ace, that's all Hip Hop is these days, catchy. It's like seeing that girl you knew in High School that was gorgeous, witty, and on her way to law school turn out to serve as the archetypical "cute waitress" at the pub downtown.

At 1:25 PM, Anonymous Johnny6 said...

Looks like Harold got to live out Joe Namath’s fantasy.

At 2:02 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Reynolds is just one less ESPN douche to slurp up on yer yankees and red sawx. boo-hoo!! they need to get pinella to tell it like it is...

At 2:15 PM, Blogger Murph said...

There's no question about who I would kill because I probably will eventually kill the lead singer of AFI. I hate that guy with an unbridaled rage that is impossible to explain.

That's too bad about Harold Reynolds. He was excellent in comparison to the rest of ESPN's baseball analysts. Steve Phillips must know someone at ESPN because I'm pretty sure he got the Mets GM job through the "My Wish" Sportscenter segment. Tino Martinez is a blatant homosexual, which is why I'm surprised him and Brantley haven't gotten into it yet. Kruk lost all his credibility when he vouched for Darren Daulton's sanity. And how the hell did Orestes Destrade end up as a baseball analyst? Not only was he a terrible player, he shits in his pants whenever they put the camera on him.

At 2:16 PM, Blogger Chilly Jackwater said...

How many songs about his wife did Karl D get into his set last night? 16? 24?

At 2:26 PM, Anonymous Dorsey said...

Tryin to catch me ridin dirty
Tryin to catch me ridin dirty
Tryin to catch me ridin dirty
Tryin to catch me ridin dirty

I seriously hope HR solicited sex from Phillips' underage daughter. Touch Em' All HR!

At 2:31 PM, Blogger Don Fiedler said...

We bitch and moan all the time about ESPN's incompetence. Do they make these decisions on purpose so that we continue to talk about ESPN? It must keep the chatter going. No one compliments something as much as they bitch about it. Like, as good as Gammons and Buster and Kurkjian are, I never talk about them. Rather, I plan ways to detonate Steve Phillips. I suppose the question really is: is Steve Phillips more valuable to ESPN/Disney than Gammons because people love to complain about Phillips and, by extension, pump up the buzz about BTN & ESPN? There can't be any other reason, right? I mean, they make money hand over fist.

By the way, don't you think it's time that some younger, non-athlete intellectuals started an ESPN rival? There MUST be a market for that. I'd watch it. Hell, I'll host the first show.

At 2:38 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

"Steve Phillips must know someone at ESPN because I'm pretty sure he got the Mets GM job through the "My Wish" Sportscenter segment."

That's the smartest thing I've ever heard anyone say about anything...ever. And apparently it comes from a dude in his boxers or a guy pretending to be a guy in his boxers. Who knew?

Denson sang a song about his kid, his wife and, yes, his dog. He even told a whole story about his dog. I never quite got how people write instrumentals about other people (and/or pets). "I wrote this for you, baby" just should not be followed by a 9-minute smooth jazz instrumental. It should be followed by lyrics about her cooter.

And Donnie, you're dead-on about starting a new network. Let's do it. Youse got cash? Youse got hoagies?

At 3:47 PM, Blogger Claven said...

I gotta start by saying I gave up on baseball a few years back. But Harold Reynolds was horrawful when he started on espn. My friends and I all wondered whether he'd make it to a second season. When he was in season five or so, we started wondering who he was blowing to keep his job.

(Christ, I still can't figure out how Sean Salisbury, Joe Theismann and Paul Maguire ever got hired. And I challenge you to find one college hoops fan (dookies don't count) who actually enjoys Vitale.)

Like I said, I haven't been into baseball for a few years. But consider the fact that many folks here are commenting on how great Harold was IN COMPARISON to the other hacks on the show. Perhaps this speaks to the fact that they all suck (Gammons excluded, naturally).

All I want to know is where Harold will land next.

At 4:24 PM, Blogger Boski93 said...

Harold Renyonld's fired and Stuart Scott still has a job. WTF! This is how reward winning the Celeb All-Star Softball game. Ponderous man, fucking ponderous.

At 10:11 PM, Blogger Lisa Ann said...

Steve Phillips is a complete & total asshole.

I hate him almost as much as I hate Michael Kay.

At 7:01 PM, Blogger coach said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

At 7:01 PM, Blogger coach said...

i was never all that impressed by reynolds. espn has some decent on air talent, but gammons is a tough hole to fill. some of the people they have calling games, like soup and buck martinez, are actually pretty solid. don't know how they'd translate to in studio analysis though.

and i hate that god awful taylor hicks ford commercial. i will never buy a ford because of that ad alone. i'd like to shoot almost everyone associate with the production of it.


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