Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Six HumpLinks

You lickbags are all so quiet lately, and since nobody feels compelled to interact with me, I'm taking my ball and going home. So instead of pouring my dope-infused blood, summertime sweat and all-too-frequent tears into this here rag, all youse are getting are some links (albeit six dyn-o-mite links). Enjoy:

1. There are no words for this real-deal news report from what sounds like a 1010 WINS type of personality. Correspondent En Regalia billed it as "one of the funniest things you might ever hear," and while I won't quite go that far, it's definitely one of the funniest things you'll hear between now and two Tuesdays from now.

2. Watch what happens when some folks decide to spice up their poker game by playing at a rodeo. I always wanted to say, "Ah fuck it, I fold, and I just made a huge pile of doody in my pants."

3. Wanna see a fattyfat fat kid get down to Gnarls Barkley's hit song Crazy? I mean, how can you say no to that question? Make sure you watch 'til the very end, when this kid breaks it down like your own Ace Cowboy at any and all weddings.

4. Is "Lindsay Lohan Gives Head" a catchy enough header? I bet this blog gets 50 million hits by 6 pm. Maybe by 7.

5. Did you know the Emmy nominations were announced last week? Neither did I. Well, that's a lie, I saw those telefuckers unveiling the nominations because CNN carried the ceremony in toto. That's right, America's Most Trusted Name in News broadcasted the fucking Emmy show live. But I guess that makes sense considering the most popular story on CNN.com right now is "Joey Buttafuoco Gets Year in Jail."

Anyway, I bring this up because Dan over at The Daily Dump reviewed the nominees and previewed the upcoming awards show yesterday, and it's a must-read post. I kinda hate to blow smoke up another blogger's ass (or suck M&Ms out of another blogger's ass), but if you're not reading his shit daily you're really missing out on some comedy. Plus, he talks up Arrested Development more than anyone but me, which is about as endearing to me as quoting Corky St. Clair or Louie.

6. Saving the best for last, it's high time we check in with everyone's favorite sportswriter extraordinaire. For the baseball crowd, and even for the casual baseball observers that enjoy a good road trip, this folksy and friendly piece may spice up your summer. And even if you're booked solid for this season, it's always pleasant to experience some anti-Schadenfreude and read the travels and travails of others: I give you SI.com's Baseball Road Trip.

Now go fuck yourselves, San Diego.

10 Comments:

At 4:01 PM, Blogger MDS said...

Holy, shit, how had I never read The Daily Dump before? After following the link and reading that post I started reading his archives. That man is a comedic genius. Remember a long, long time ago, back when Dave Barry was actually funny? He's like that, only better because he doesn't have the constraints of a family newspaper. Thanks for the tip, Ace.

 
At 4:12 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

And he's gay.










(Not really. Sorry Dan.)

 
At 5:30 PM, Blogger Some Dude said...

That kid looks seriously frightened by what Lindsey is doing to him. I'm guessing too much teeth.

 
At 6:56 PM, Blogger Boski93 said...

#2 Could be retitled - "Who Are Five Dumbshits Looking for a Darwin Award."

"I didn't think it would be dangerous since they were looking for volunteers"

You have to be shitting me. Speaking of, "you must be shitting me" that could be the title of link #1.

 
At 12:28 AM, Blogger Claven said...

Link numero uno was a classic forward from the golden age of text email...aka the mid-90s.

 
At 9:47 AM, Blogger Alex Fritz said...

Man, I thought Dave Barry was so freaking funny when I was little. Now I've got 8 of his books sitting on my bookcase in my spare bedroom, too ashamed to show them in public, yet too sentimental to throw them away. He just sucks now.

Thank god Bill Waterson called it quits while he was still on top so at least something that I found funny in my childhood is still actually funny.

I'm depressed. Get me a beer.

 
At 9:50 AM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

What's text email, Claven? And actually, as it turns out, I think the article itself is an Urban Legend. The radio program quotes the LA Times, but I went through the archives and couldn't find anything like that. I think that radio station got hoaxed. Either way, that clip's funny as hell.

 
At 10:26 AM, Blogger jakezebra said...

'Humplinks' led me to believe the links that followed were going to be more porno-ey. How sad.

 
At 12:14 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Wednesday, man, Wednesday. But now I know that I have the power to give people workday boners. Sweet.

 
At 12:35 PM, Blogger Claven said...

In college we used a text-based email client called PINE. This was before MS Outlook was ever released. I think Eudroa was out there somewhere but Turtle U was too cheap for it.

It is a classic though. The emailed version I recall had commentary as well. I will never forget the comment about looking into the tube into the other guy's rectum..."That's like looking through a telescope into hell!"

 

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