Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Nose For News

I've heard the best parents often try to light a fire under their kids for motivational purposes, be it in sports or academia, but this just may cross the line: "Mom Tries To Set Kids On Fire, Police Say."

While that horrific tale captured my short attention throughout the brief text of the article, I was more intrigued by the "Most Popular Stories" feature immediately following the piece:

Most Popular Stories
Mom Tries To Set Kids On Fire, Police Say
Alleged Road Rage Incident Critically Injures Man
Man Charged In Stabbings Over Soap
FBI: Sleeping Husband Killed With Hot Oil
Steelers Cut Wide Receiver

So, according to WPXI in Pittsburgh, four of the top five most popular stories in the area right now involve heinous crimes committed with lighter fluid and fire, an angry vehicle, a knife over soap, and hot household cooking oil. Oh yeah, and four-year veteran Eugene Baker got cut from the Steelers. That really sucks.

I'm feeling Pittsburgh these days. Seems like a lovely town.

Slack Google Searches of the Day: Tubbs Mulgrew gets all huffy 'n puffy when lowly bloggers don't credit him for inventing this gag, so this one's for Col. Hoooagies...these are the strangest searches that brought random Interwebbers to this here rag: deadwood al suck it mean like whore, fuckable Soledad O'Brien, john basedow nude pics, "it's enrico palazzo," suspended bitches, cowboy urns, androgynous video clips, and "you mean i'm not white?" and manny papi pee pee.

Slack Video of the Day: Yesterday I mentioned the Dave Matthews Band pre-show extravaganza at Randall's Island we caught on Saturday. Today, I offer a post-script.

Apparently Dave called out Bela Fleck and all the Flecktones for the extended #41 encore. Had we been there for that part, I'd be pretty psyched, as Bela and the Flecktones are some of the best, most professional musicians out there. The New York Post's critic, Dan Aquilante, saw things the other way, and in just one sentence in his review lost all musical credibility. He's done, seriously.

Aquilante naively reported, "But to give the Flecktones' bassist, reed player and synth percussionist major solo time at this crucial end-show period - especially when the DMB aces (bassist Stefan Lessard, drummer Carter Beauford and saxman Leroi Moore) are able and willing to take the music higher - is absurd."

Absurd? That statement's fucking absurd, Dan. Have you ever seen Victor Wooten play bass? How about his brother Future Man*, who might be the most unique motherfucker on the planet? Do you have any idea how foolish you sound when you make bold statements of idiocy from that half-baked intellect? I can't even begin to explain how upsetting it is that music critics like you exist. So, Dan, this one's for you -- Wooten layin' it down. And if you wanna see him in the DMB context, here's Wooten owning Dave's face.

Slack Song of the Day: "There's aspects of the Grateful Dead that I love. There's aspects of Boston I love." Whichever redhead made that ridiculous quotation was right: There are aspects of Boston we all love. Let's play a few: Foreplay/Long Time, Rock & Roll Band and the obvious, More Than a Feeling. Incidentally, is it possible Boston only released one album in its history, and it was called Greatest Hits?

(*Future Man is quite a character, aside from his unusual percussive style. He was indicted on four counts of tax evasion in 2001, and I think his defenses were brilliant: As Wiki explains, "he claimed, for example, that the IRS is actually a Puerto Rican debt collector. He also used esoteric and arcane tax protester literature and at one point made the bold claim that because he was from the future, the U.S. Government has no authority to tax him.")


At 12:16 PM, Blogger Alex Fritz said...

Man, Blitzburgh is one rough (steel)town. You'd think a Super Bowl would calm those nerves, no?

And fuck Jason Mulgrew (yes, you. You used to bring like 40 people a day my way. Now... maybe 4 or 5. Go to hell.)

At 12:23 PM, Blogger Alex Fritz said...

Psyche. Nothing but love for 'Ol Mulgrew.

I can't possibly hold anything against another man who can listen to old country tunes and get faced off whiskey and not find anything wrong with it. It's like me, except hairy and in NYC.

Livin' the dream!

At 12:50 PM, Blogger Don Fiedler said...

Didn't we call the dog "Indiana"?

At 12:55 PM, Blogger Don Fiedler said...

Dude, Michael Kay supports slavery and the Holocaust. Nice perspective, Kay.


At 1:03 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Good, maybe this will lead to Kay's firing, replaced by a team of Ace and Donnie, with Bobby Murcer thrown in for laughs.

I must put in a good word for Ken Singleton here -- Kenny did the Yanks/O's game last week by humself, and he was fantastic. Pauly O was delayed and couldn't make it, so Kenny was in the booth by himself, and he showed just how great baseball can be with some description, some stats, some minor anecdotes and the rest being crowd noise. Don't over-talk, don't crowd the telecast with nonsense, just be there to shepherd the game from the first pitch to Bob Lorenz's rolled up sleeves in the studio. Kenny, a kudos bar from me to you.

Kay is garbage.

At 1:05 PM, Blogger Alex Fritz said...

Theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee Yankeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesss Win!

But not theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee jeeeeeeeeeeeeeews or blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaacks.

At 1:19 PM, Blogger Don Fiedler said...

Alex, that's the signature call of Yankees color man John Sterling. Sure, he's a douchebag too. But I think he's less of a douchebag than Kay. I'm pretty sure Kay's retarded. Sterling's just getting senile. There's a difference. And that difference is that I never listen to games on the radio b/c I live in NY and I have no car. So Sterling annoys me less b/c I don't hear him.

At 1:24 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Don, you have a point -- but Kay's tag team partners are better than Sterling's, so it's another tradeoff. I'd rather eat off my own testicles than listen to Suzyn Waldman day in and day out. Thank the lord I don't ever listen to the radio.

At 1:27 PM, Blogger Alex Fritz said...

Damn it, Donnie. You are right and I could not possibly be more wrong.

And that is yet another reason that I take humbrage w/ ESPN... Whenever they show a Yanks win w/ "local commentary" it's of that Sterling call... which made me get confused b/c I figured it was Kay. [here in the midwest, local AM radio = old, odd, and quasi-racist announcers (hence Ron Santo and Mike Shannon)]

Bottom Line -- Bring back Charlie Steiner, Yankees!

(note- C. Steiner went to college w/ my dad and has a beard that I would kill my great-aunt Dorothy for. Needless to say, I'm a fan.)

At 2:02 PM, Blogger Boski93 said...

I think it should be Ace, Donnie and Steve "Bye Bye" Balboni. That would make get XM radio.

At 4:13 PM, Blogger Don Fiedler said...

Talking about a no-hitter is to baseball etiquette as marching people into ovens is to norms of human civilization.

No wonder Kay got a 800 on his SAT verbal.

At 5:36 PM, Blogger Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

I hate it when I see a great rock show and then some idiot writes a bad review. Being a rock critic would be a great job, but I think they are watching to notice every little detail and lose sight of having fun and fucking rocking.

At 6:49 PM, Blogger NewmRadio said...

Wow, they played 41 encores?!

At 7:30 PM, Blogger Some Dude said...

I can't believe I missed out on a whole day of discussing the Yankees tv commentators - had to be an in edit for most of the day.

At 10:15 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

hey! it´s aaron... just wanted to say hi from ecuador :-) hope all is well! see you back in NY in a few weeks

At 9:47 AM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

What up A-ron...enjoy yourself down there, and always look for the Adams Apple first.

At 7:05 PM, Blogger Michael said...

"But to give the Flecktones' bassist, reed player and synth percussionist major solo time at this crucial end-show period - especially when the DMB aces (bassist Stefan Lessard, drummer Carter Beauford and saxman Leroi Moore) are able and willing to take the music higher - is absurd."

I think that's the worst thing I have ever heard in my life.

Stefan Lessard should call this guy personally, to say something like "The Flecktones predate us, inspire us and generally wipe the floor with us. We love them. All musicians love them. What you wrote demonstrates, beyond any doubt, that you are a poseur. The entire Dave Matthews Band hates you now...especially Dave."


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