Still Alive...But Just Barely
I fell in love with a cute little Irish girl in Dewey Beach this past weekend. My opening line was "Hey. Uh um, I'm sorry, I got nothin' right now." She responded, "I can see that."
Twenty minutes later we were exchanging classless jokes like we'd been old racist friends for years. She asked me whether I knew the difference between Jews and pizza, then revealed to me that pizza doesn't scream when it's put in the oven.
When I fought back with my best Potato Famine material, she compared it to the Holocaust. I reminded her that the Jews were slaughtered mercilessly by a man in a tiny moustache, but her drunk fuckers of an ancestry simply forgot how to farm properly.
After much laughing and flirting and my deciphering of her intoxicating accent, we shared this exchange after her latest foray into jokes that would make my mother cringe:
Her: "What's the best way to keep li'l kids from playing in your yard?"
Her: "Rape 'em!"
Ace: "Good lord. Marry me."
Her: "Not a chance, ya mothafuckin' jooge*."
Ace: "Well, at least give me your phone number or e-mail."
Her: "Okay, my e-mail is eatmyshit at fuckoff.com."
Ace: "I actually own the fuckoff.com domain name...so thanks for your business and patronage, you fucking clown."
Her: "Shu'tup already and leave me the fuck alone."
Ace: "Seriously, come home with me and don't ever leave."
I had been planning a trip to England at the end of January for a troika of Premiership matches in a five-day span, but this could certainly change those plans for the two off days. I think there's an Aer Lingus > Cunnilingus joke in there somewhere, but I'm way too Schiavo right now to think of it myself. Have it at, hosses.
*Apparently this means "cunt" in Waterford, Ireland and nowhere else.
(Feel free to click right here for more on this outrageously silly trip, including 14 dudes plotting to gang-rape an elderly man. Awesome.)
Slack Link of the Day: I've previously sung the praises of Improv Everywhere on this here rag, and I'll do so again today. The last time I mentioned this little troupe they had hundreds of people all wearing the same blue shirt and khakis to Best Buy, confusing the customers who were asking for help from staff-dressed people that simply didn't work there. Their latest challenge was Slo-Mo Home Depot, and it's a pretty cool gag. I couldn't make their last few, but this is an activity in which I'd eventually love to participate.
Slack Video of the Day: I didn't do a very good job of looking for a quality video clip this morning, but here's a card trick worth watching. I'm really a sucker for a good card trick.
Slack Song of the Day: Let's go simple...Van the Man's TB Sheets, Caravan and Glad Tidings.