Monday, August 14, 2006

Why I'm a Bad Person and a Worse Jew

I love everything about my brother's kid, and I love being an uncle. As the unofficial motto goes, uncledom gives me all the joys of parenthood without any of the responsiblity. That's pretty much been my life story as America's Guest, so that works for me.

After playing with the nephew and my cousin's girl this weekend, I think I'd enjoy being a father right now. For serious (I really love the phrase "for serious"). But as much as I think I'm ready, I'm not nearly mature enough to be a husband. So I'm totally backwards, the opposite of how most men see their lives in their late 20s. I wouldn't mind a kid, but I would mind a wife.

That questionable mindset led me to offhandedly declare at Saturday's wedding that I now hope to meet and marry some good-looking girl with great genes and intellect but poor birthing hips that will lead to her tragic death after childbirth.

My parents would love to help me raise the kid, and I'd probably get tons of sympathy sex. Maybe (s)he'll grow up poorly without a mother, but I think I can help him or her adjust. As long as (s)he doesn't think I killed their mother intentionally, I think we're golden grahams. Anyway, is that the stupidest and most mischievous train of thought I've ever expressed out loud? Up for debate, but I think so. Terrible.

I also might be the worst Jew in the world. It's not like I'm actively rooting for Hezbollah or anything, but I'm just a bad Jew in general. One of my best friends bestowed an amazing honor me this weekend, asking me to sign his Ketubah, which for all the goyim out there is a marriage contract between a husband and wife. And like Ron Burgundy, the ketubah is kind of a big deal.

We had to sign our Hebrew names on the ketubah, which posed a small problem. I have no idea what my Hebrew name is (not terribly uncommon). Strike one, says the Rabbi presiding over the closed-door session. I tracked down my vacationing parents and got my Hebrew name, and I hung up. "What's your father's Hebrew name?" asked the Rabbi. "Your name is your name AND your father's name." My mother's phone was somehow off when I called right back, so I had to pretty much had to make up my full name. No, not "pretty much," I fully signed a fabricated name. Strike two, says the Rabbi.

Then I became the ultimate Jewmoron...the Rabbi wrote out my Hebrew name on a Post-It note for me to literally copy onto the ketubah, as he did for the other signees. He then said "Why don't you take some practice on the paper before you sign it for real?," and I thought that was a great idea. I started with the first letter on the left and thought I did a fantastic job.

The Rabbi looked at me with a burning look of incredulity. "Okaaaay, but how about now you try writing from right to left like we do in the Jewish religion?" Strike three, jew are outta there.

Those years of Hebrew school really paid off...I can't even remember how to fucking read and write correctly. Well, maybe I'm not such a bad Jew in toto, maybe I'm just an illiterate Jew.

14 Comments:

At 2:15 PM, Blogger MDS said...

I love the fact that the part about divorce is called the Lieberman Clause. Good ol' Joe Lieberman, loves to tell the rest of us how morally inferior we are, but he had no qualms about ditching his first wife -- it's great that they named the divorce clause in the Ketubah after him.

 
At 2:25 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Mel Gibson would be proud...

 
At 2:59 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

the "im looking for my ex-wife" thing always bothered me...the "looking for you to help me become a widower with a motherless child" is yes, by far one of the worst things i've ever read...glad i did not hear it voiced out loud...

pshaw...not that i did not guffaw all the same

 
At 3:36 PM, Blogger Trix said...

You're a twisted f'er, aren't you?

 
At 4:07 PM, Blogger Some Dude said...

Was this before or after you mention how much you like "The Passion of The Chirst"?

 
At 4:37 PM, Blogger Mr. Underhill said...

Ace, you're not alone. I had to sign a ketubah a few weeks ago, and the rabbi sent me an index card with my Hebrew name written on it five times, with freakin' arrows pointing to the left, indicating which direction I should be writing in. Apparently, that sort of thing happens all the time.

Now, in terms of you're being a 27 year-old male wishing for a baby and a dead wife... well, you're all alone on that one, dude.

 
At 4:48 PM, Blogger Don Fiedler said...

You never told me you wanted me to fix you up with my cousin with Lou Gehrig's disease. Sometimes, Ace, all you gotta do is ask!

 
At 4:53 PM, Blogger Jason Mulgrew said...

No, Ace, I can relate to the kid-dead wife thing. Kids are cool. Wives...not so much.

A few of my cousins are married with kids and each time I see them (their families) I see what happiness the kid(s) bring to the couple. And then, as whatever family function we're at drags on and the husband of the couple gets drunker, I see the way the husband and wife act toward each other and it's just depressing.

Kids, more than anything else, are distractions from marriage. It always makes me wonder about married couples who never had kids. I mean, what do you TALK about all the time? What do you do? And most importantly, how can you stand each other?

In summation: I would like a kid. Not a wife. But she doesn't have to die, though.

 
At 5:37 PM, Blogger MonkeyPants said...

Jaw? Dropped. Teeth? On floor.

 
At 5:57 PM, Anonymous Chefra said...

Ace,
I'm glad that my girlfriend doesn't read your blog, because I totally agree with your statement about the kid/no wife thing. My sister recently had a baby boy and he's the coolest, cutest little fucker I've ever seen. I want one. A wife? Not so much. Marriage ends bad, most of the time. Stats prove it. Personally, I have been surrounded by successful marriages on both sides of my family. However, I have no desire to get married, but a strong desire to reproduce. You're not alone.

 
At 4:42 AM, Blogger Alex Fritz said...

Wasted hebrew school? That sucks, man.

I still put to use all I learned in 13 years of Catholic schools on a daily basis (ie. drink lots of beer and like sports.)

 
At 11:22 AM, Blogger DannyNoonan said...

Wasted Hebrew School would be an alright name for a band.

 
At 5:46 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

good luck with the dating scene... after reading this, you really are a sad fuck, aren't you...

 
At 5:50 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think you're fine and it's obvious you're a good person and curious about how you fit in as a Jew. If you ever want to explore that, just right me a note and ask. A rabbi is a friendly guide/facilitator into that aspect of our life. Looking forward to hearing from you if you so choose. Ciao for now, RabbiGreen@comcast.net

 

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