Monday, September 25, 2006

Gimme Shelter

Nothing says "Welcome Back to New Orleans" quite like everybody's favorite local bands rockin' Monday Night Foosball's return to the city. Ladies and gentlemen of The Big Easy, give it up for the homegrown performers you've been wading waiting more than a year to see perform: The Goo Goo Dolls, U2 and Green Day. Whoa.

It's been an exciting weekend of football, but one of the bigger emotional wrecks of a Monday night game awaits the nation this evening. For a preview, let's send it down to Keith Jackson, who's covering MNF for the first time in more than three decades:

"Whoooa boy, welcome back to the New Or-a-leans Superdome, where all kids 12 and under will have the fantastic option of being sexually assaulted in a dark corner of the employeeee bathrooooom. Tonight will surely be a reeeal intradivisional slobberknocker between the 2-0 Atlanta Falcons and the 2-0 New Or-a-leans, um, uh...Saints.

"Like the hurricane and subsequent flood, the Saints feature an innovative new air-n-ground attack in the form of free agent Drew Breeees and first-round pick Reggie Bush. Perhaps the most exciiiting and electric player in the league already, I've got it on good authority that Reggie is made out of old leather and hamstrings. And with Bush and Mike Vick running like heckfire all over the field, it'll actually feel and look like Katriiiina once again.

"I spoke with the coaches before the game, and tonight, it looks like the Saints' black cornerbacks will be doing their darndest to loot Vick's passing attack, while the team's white corners will be searching for interrrrceptions. And Saints fans are hoping the Falcons will be frantically looking for shelter inside the visiting lockerroom of the Rapedome after an early onslaught of pressure from the Saints' front seven. This one should have more bite than a mule named Chompers. And speaking of mules, there are folks down here stillll waaaitin' for their forty acres and a..."

Hey, whoa, thanks, Keith. We all look forward to this one tonight, especially those of us that need Mike Vick, Reggie Bush and John Carney to come through with even mediocre nights for a fantasy football victory. To the people of New Orleans, good luck showcasing the return of an American city to prominence, I mean that.

Hopefully you'll one day be all by yourselves on top again in corruption, teen pregnancy and complete unintelligibility.

News & Notes from the weekend
--Did anyone catch the newb NFL referee calling the Jets 28-20 win over Buffalo yesterday? After his first call, I said to the assembled crowd, "I feel racist just watching this guy." His first public announcement was followed up each time he turned on his mike with calls of "That n*gga be offsides" and "Muthafuckin' horse-collar? That shit's fuck up, yo."

But as it turned out, after we stopped talking over him every time, his first call featured more machismo than we had originally thought. Instead, he spoke more like a combination of Mike Tyson and the two gay dudes from In Living Color. See, folks, you really can't judge a book by its cover and first page. Three snaps in a zee formation.

--The Jets, incidentally, are now 2-1 and about to run over the Indy Colts in the Meadowlands next weekend. They've got this incredible Yards After Ccatch ability this year, as proven last week by the two long TD catches, and this week by Leon Washington's semi-breakout game. Washington only rushed for 25 yards and caught two balls for 52, but it seemed like he made at least 10 big plays for us yesterday. That boy can dance. I'm already enjoying this speedy little rookie from Florida State, where Leon probably majored in Gangbanging.

--Lukas and I ran the Beirut table on Saturday night at a rooftop party, retiring undefeated while we were on top like Rocky Marciano. We could have been called out for leaving the table, but I think we both wanted to mingle with the guests rather than annihilate them.

Drunk Mingling may have been a bad idea, though, as it led to this girl telling me something like "You are so smug it's's endearing." I never knew my overwhelming smugness was charming, but I guess it is: Mark it down, fellas, smug is the new aloof. Some girls like it when you respond to "What do you do?" with "I work on racecars. No, actually I'm a cardiovascular resident at Stony Brook Hospital." It's, apparently, endearing.

Slack Link of the Day: You know all those car salesmen that declare war on high prices? How can you possibly differentiate yourself in such a crowd of price war mongerers, you ask? If you're Keith Dennis of Dennis Mitsubishi in Ohio, the answer is simple: by "launching a jihad on the automotive market." Dennis' ad says all employees "will be wearing burqas all weekend long" and "Friday is fatwa Friday, with free rubber swords for the kiddies." Awesome.

Slack Link of the Day II: What's more American than baseball and cocaine? Not much, really. So check out the All-Time MLB Cokehead Team over at The Phat Phree.

Slack Video of the Day: Speaking of New Orleans...lemme introduce to you, the soon-to-be-world-famous Crack Dance.

Slack Song of the Day: This morning, a StreamStash Two-for-Monday Hodgepodge Assortment of Tuneage: Everybody Knows This Is Nowhere & Cinnamon Girl (Neil Young), Runnin' With the Devil & Jamie's Cryin' (Van Halen), How High the Moon & Linger Awhile (Sarah Vaughn), Fire & Who'd She Coo? (Ohio Players).


At 12:20 PM, Blogger Lozo said...

dude, i watched that jets game. my first thought was it was tim meadows as the ladies man.

At 1:33 PM, Blogger jakezebra said...

"Many of these gridiron warriors are great athletes, but none as great as Chris Legh, whom some of you may remember almost died 50 yards from the finish line at the 1997 Ironman. His body completely shut down from dehydration and he collapsed to the ground. Doctors at the Gatorade Sports Sciences Institutite then discovered that you can combat dehydration by drinking Gatorade. The next year Chris Legh drank Gatorade and won the Ironman competition completely lapping all of the field twice and sneaking away for 15 minutes to hump his wife. Following the race, he baptised the unholy masses in a huge pool of Gatorade and cured Alzheimers. He is currently the greatest person ever and it is completely due to Gatorade."

At 1:36 PM, Blogger Mr. Underhill said...

Why on Earth do you think it's called "Crack Dance?" I just don't get it.

At 1:37 PM, Blogger Shaun said...

The SRV didn't do it for you?

At 2:05 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Ladies' Man, ahhh, that's a decent call. I knew he sounded like someone, but I couldn't figure out who. Meadows, you bastard.

And Shaun, the SRV was great, but not quite worthy of the Video of the Day over something as genius as the Crack Dance. Keep 'em comin', though.

At 3:00 PM, Anonymous CHAMPION HANDSTAND said...

Man it is going to be awesome when U2 plays "Where the Streets Have No Name" down there.

At 6:43 PM, Blogger ahren said...

an all-cocaine baseball team without paul molitor on it is just ridiculous.

At 6:56 PM, Blogger NewmRadio said...

I wonder if Bono's gonna respond to Mos Def's "Katrina Klap" diss. I wonder if the other two bands are gonna suck... oh wait, no I don't. And why no black acts? And our President better watch his back down there. A whole city owes him an ass-f*ck!

At 2:13 AM, Anonymous HANDSTAND said...

I'm not sure if my joke was lost because it was too obvious and too good or because jake zebra scared some away with his post or if ace scared everyone away with his initial bus-to-hell essay about tonight's game.

Damn it.

At 3:31 AM, Blogger Alex Fritz said...

ahren, I do regret leaving Molitor and Dave Parker off of the list, but to be honest with you, I have a short attention span and was tired of writing.

I can't believe that crakhead was doing those things to my girlfriend.

At 11:03 AM, Blogger Don Fiedler said...

Wow, thank god Alge Crumpler decided to leave last night's game and then go ahead and die in a wheelchair outside the Convention Center and be covered by a sheet and left by a back entrance for 4 or 5 days. Thanks to him, I'm now 3-0 in fantasy. Sweet.

At 11:48 AM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Whoa, Handstand, lookin' for love on the comments section, huh? No time for love, Doctah Jones, but I liked it.

At 6:51 PM, Blogger ahren said...

it's an excusable mistake. molitor somehow received a free pass for his cokeheadedness, so people never really bring it up. most people even refuse to believe you when you bring it up.

it's funny that he was able to overcome it and get the "good guy" tag for his whole career.

even leaving his wife for that hooker or stripper or girl scout or whatever she was didn't really hurt him so much.

now, if only he'd been able to avoid the DL the way he was able to avoid public admonishment...


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