Tuesday, October 03, 2006

I Gave Him the Wrong Finger

It's peanut butter playoffs time! It's peanut butter playoffs time! It's the Major League playoffs with a baseball bat...

But since I don't have anything especially funny to write (outside of a kickass Mark Foley scandal joke I just came up with: "Foley ran out of bookmarks so instead he just decided to bend over the pages"), I'll just mention how excited I am about this Yankums squad and hope they crush the Le Tigre like everyone says they should. Then I'll watch as they advance to face a small-market team in the ALCS and every single sportswriter in the country uses the tired David versus Goliath analogy in their tired copy (everyone except Deadspin, actually).

Instead, I give you this fantasy baseball year-end update and horribly self-deprecating anecdote: I finished out the season in the top half of the table for both of my leagues, though I owe all the credit for any success to my partners. In my long-standing, big-money league, Chuck B and I guided Berger's Mom Still Stankiwiecz to a fifth-place finish after flirting with third for much of the season. We didn't do great, but we didn't mismanage the lineup or make bad trades, and we were a handful of better pitching outings and solid hitting days from the money. And never once did Chuck or I have to schedule a closed-door meeting with our players to, ya know, straighten shit out.

But I'm also a silent partner in Roommate Dorsey's league, and we're taking home the second-place prize purse. It came down to the last week, and injuries to Travis Hafner and Rickie Weeks probably lost it for us, but I'm pretty sure I blew the league for us back in May.

Dorsey, a fantasy sports savant, woke me up early on a Saturday to tell me I had to pick up Jered Weaver, who made his major-league debut the night before. Why couldn't he do it? He was in the Virgin Islands and had no computer access. Yet somehow he knew Weaver had started and we should pick him up. Well done, Dorsey.

I stumbled over to his computer, locate a "Je. Weaver - LAA" on the page and tried to figure out whom we should drop. It was between Adrian Beltre and Ryan Zimmerman, and Beltre had just begun to heat up (before cooling off again), so in my haste I decided to drop the Jew-sounding rookie third-baseman for the ol' Expos.

Well, not only did I drop a strong NL Rookie of the Year candidate who hit 20 homers and drove in 110 runs, but I picked up Scumbag JEFF Weaver instead of his more talented (and actually good) younger brother: same team, same first two initials, same natty head of hair, totally different statistics this year. Terrible.

So much for me being a silent partner. I, as always, blow goats.

Slack Google Searches of the Day (how people randomly arrived here): ball-gagged bridesmaids photos, james worthy arrested prostitutes, love of black cock, show me the fever into the fire higher and higher, Bush OBGYN practice their love freely, who invented the blocked shot, and vegan bowler hats.

Slack Link of the Day: Pitchfork reviewed Jet's new album Shine On without a single word, and it may just be the best review ever.

Slack Video of the Day: I've posted this before, but there ain't no way you can watch this enough -- The Lady Suckerpunch.

Slack Song of the Day: I had a very Sideways experience last night, in that I saw a decent band that was somehow extraordinarily overrated, and now I'm curious as to whether the American public can ever be trusted to judge anything again.

I was told I'd walk out of the Secret Machines show sockless, as a result of them being rocked off. I'm kinda sad to report, though, this is not a band that rocked my socks off, nor did they even peel my socks down to the ankles. My socks were firmly affixed all night long, in no danger of being removed completely from the feet.

This was one of the more underwhelming shows I've been to in a long while. The set-up was awesome, the In The Round idea being cool as hell. Musically, well, I just don't get it. As Hoobs and I discussed on the way out, I really don't think these guys are all that adept as musicians. They make "decent" to "eh" music as a whole, but the guitarist proved to be nothing more than a light strummer, and someone should tell the drummer he's allowed to switch up the beat every now and then...three straight minutes of his playing Animal on the drums made me wonder whether he could be replaced with an eighth grader, or a Mark Foley e-mail recipient. Ho, snap.

Anyway, I want youse to make up your own mind, so here's the band's MySpace page. And here are some more pics from last night's show: From the balcony; more from the balcony; and more balcony bartakamous. Secret Machines, wish they were even more secret.


At 11:26 AM, Anonymous Justin said...


I guess you just didn't get it.

To be fair...the first time I heard Tea Leaf Green - "i don't get it..." was my first reaction.

At 11:27 AM, Blogger Alex Fritz said...

Come on, we all know who invented the blocked shot.

Praise be to Mutombo.

At 11:33 AM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

To be fair...the first time I heard Tea Leaf Green - "i don't get it..." was my first reaction.

What does that have to do with the price of apples? I'm not comparing them to anyone. I'm saying I didn't like them. And what's not to get? Was this like a 3D art poster where I couldn't focus my eyes correctly?

I thought these guys could have EASILY been replaced by a band that played at my high school. Maybe not in terms of songwriting, but definitely in playing. The drummer was one of the worst I've seen in recent memory. Feel free to love them all you want, I will not be seeing this band anytime soon. More room for you to dance, as the kidz say. I wouldn't call it a waste of money, but that's the last shekel of mine that goes to their management.

Regardless of the Secret Machines, who wants to sex Mutombo?!

At 11:49 AM, Anonymous Dorsey said...

I've dreamed of being called a savant since the first time I saw Rain Man. Or was it Cats? I can't remember...

- Dikembe Mutombo Mpolondo Mukamba Jean Jacque Wamutomb

At 12:02 PM, Blogger Some Dude said...

It's unfortunate that you were so disappointed with them - despite my claim you'd walk home sans socks and shoes.

I've seen them twice and both times I really dug them, but to each his own.

At 12:02 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

TIGERS IN 4! Death to A-rod and his pretty friends too. And his underacheiving bullpen/starting rotation. And the herniated disc in Units' back. And Sheffield at 1st.

At 1:00 PM, Blogger jakezebra said...

To each his own? I guess. I can't believe you don't like The Secret Machines. I honestly think less of you as a person, you're more like a pikie, and I wish you harm. Not a devastating or painful level of harm, just some sort of inconvenience like losing a shoe in a raging river or something so that when it occurs you will say to yourself, "Damn, this pair of shoes is ruined, one is fine but one has drowned and all because I don't get The Secret Fucking Machines."

At 4:52 PM, Blogger hoobs said...

The part I don't get is what people like so much about the Secret Machines. My question is: Why don't people get that they're not a very good band? Maybe they just had an off night, but a guy beating the same thing on the drum non-stop, some guitar strumming, non-melodic songs, and and very bright lights make not a good band. Animal Collective or Broken Social Scene I understand; mood music but definitely quality musicianship. As everyone has said here so far though, to each his own. Enjoy your crappy music.

At 7:17 PM, Blogger Passion of the Weiss said...

they are a good band but I have a feeling they're very streaky AND dependent on the sound of the venue...the first time I saw them at Coachella two years ago I was blown out the water. the second time I saw them at the Wiltern in La (a venue with notoriously crappy sound) they were just whatever...I actually decided they weren't worth seeing anymore until I'd heard that the in the round performances were awesome...I have some ticks when they come to La so I'll have to see for myself...you may have just caught them on an off-night which sucks at any rate.


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