Friday, October 06, 2006

I Want The World To Know

Politicians are fucking terrible at, among other things, coming out of the closet. The last two high-profile sudden homosexters botched their debutante announcements so horribly that they now serve as nothing but comedic fodder for anyone with a pulse.

First came former New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey, who proudly proclaimed "I am a gay American" after Israeli Stephanopolous blew the governor whistle on their alleged affair.

I am a gay American, Jimmy? Sheet, man, that's the best you can do? All I can think of when I hear people quote that is McGreevey dressed as Hulk Hogan, strutting down the aisle to the Hulkster's famed theme music, throwing out high fives and pointing to the crowd. Although, this image really does give new meaning to the opening line, "When it comes crashing down and it hurts inside..."

Now we turn our gaze upon Florida, where this week a disgraced former Congressman's lawyer remarked with a straight face, "Mark Foley wants you to know that he is a gay man." Well, gee, thanks guy. Aside from the obvious -- that it doesn't take a wicked smaht scientist to figure out a 50-something single dude IMing a high-school kid he barely knows about boners and jackin' habits is not the straightest of men -- what's with this phrasing? He wants me to know this? Actually, he didn't want me to know that at all, nor did I ask.

But I think this is just the beginning for Foley, and if I were his manager or agent, I'd get him into commercials right away. Mark Foley Wants You To Know He Likes Campbell's Soup. Mark Foley Wants You To Know He Uses Minwax Polyurethane. Mark Foley Wants You To Know He Enjoys A Warm Cup Of Nescafe On Winter Mornings. Mark Foley Wants You To Know That He is a Fan of Rold Gold Tiny Twists. I think it could work, and at the same time resurrect his public image.

Someone needs to coach these politicos and shepherd them along in this arduous process. Otherwise, people are going to continue their misspeaking at quite possibly the most important times of their lives. And that's really, really fun for us, but not so much for them.

And if you haven't read Mulgrew's stunningly accurate breakdown of the infamous instant messages, you're missing out on gold.

Slack Link of the Day: A new study shows the active ingredient in "the pot" may help stave off Alzheimer’s disease. So there you have it -- in order to fend off memory loss, impaired decision-making, and diminished language and movement skills in the long term, you must first experience all of them in the short term, repeatedly.

Slack Video of the Day: Tea Leaf Green's got a DVD coming out this month, a film by famous son Justin Kreutzmann. The director and the band have authorized the leaking of this clip, so I figured I'd share with the class. This thing's gonna be sweet-ass-sweet, well-produced and well-played: Here's One Reason.

Slack Song of the Day: There's only one song I can play in honor of Donnie Fiedler's wedding this weekend and TJ in OH's Harvest Jam festival in Ohio: The Band's Mystery Train.

6 Comments:

At 11:32 AM, Blogger Matty Mac said...

As I was reading Fatty Mulgrew's breakdown yesterday, I felt really, really dirty. I mean VERY dirty. Like I wanted to shower and clean off the disgusting feeling I had about me. I think it was almost too accurate. While pretty funny in context, I found myself having to turn away every once in a while. It could have been due to the raging hard-on I had as well.

 
At 11:55 AM, Anonymous JMoney said...

Mark Foley wants you to know that Marriot has free internet access in every room and the softest towels of any major hotel chain.

{cue maid entering} "More towels, Congressman Foley?"

 
At 12:39 PM, Anonymous shoe5548 said...

Hey, I see Tea Leaf Green is opening for Trey in Charlottesville-apparently he's a fan. Your boys are gaining momentum...

 
At 12:50 PM, Blogger Snacks said...

Ace,

Having nothing to do with today's post, I wanted to let you know that Slack Lalane is my new homepage on my laptop. It had been aol.com for years but ever since I was able to get personal e-mail on my blackberry, that became obsolete. And ESPN Motion (while cool at times) makes espn.com an annoying choice for a home page. So, Slack Lalane it is. Congrats!

-Snacks

 
At 1:17 PM, Blogger Mr. Underhill said...

Is it hot in here, or did I just read Foley's IM conversation 5 times (with a gag ball in my mouth and a belt around my neck)? I gotta go get some water.

 
At 1:44 PM, Blogger Jason Mulgrew said...

You guys are so nice. I love you all.

MulgrewJ (1:39:31): "So uh, you ever accidentally, uh, stick your finger in your ass when wiping and, uh, it feels like, maybe, nice?"

Ace (1:39:56): "I've been waiting for three years for you to ask me that question."

 

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