Wednesday, October 04, 2006

News & Notes

A couple of quick bulletpoints from last night's classy 8-4 victory over the overly scrappy Tigers Nine:

--We all know Derek Jeter went 5-for-5 last night, banging out two singles, two doubles and a late-inning jack that sealed the deal. You saw that. You'll read that everywhere. I want to focus on the smirk he flashes after reaching safely and calling timeout or heading into the dugout after a homerun. It's semi-new, actually. The smirk itself has always been there, but this brand of smirk is fresh and awesome. This smirk says, "I'm better than you at life, and we both know it."

Derek Jeter can bang any broad in the world he wants. When all is said and done, he'll have made $200 million playing baseball, and another sack of cash from endorsements. He's got black and white parents, so he's coo de la with both races. He's got four World Series rings, he's a surefire Hall of Famer, he's well on his way to 3,000 hits, he's the captain of the greatest American sports franchise in history and he's a made man in Manhattan. Plus, he's not Alex Rodriguez, so he's got that going for him, which is nice.

When you've got Dan Shaughnessy in the Boston Globe writing praise like "Try to look past the pinstripes, Red Sox fans: You want your kids to grow up to be like Derek Jeter," you know you're winning. Winning what? Everything. I'd smirk like that, too.

And in a pre-emptive response to the people who say "Yankee fans are fucking gay for Jeter," I would 100 percent have some type of sex with Derek Jeter. I can't say I'd let him stick it in, even the tip, but I'd probably engage in a sort of faux-gay jack-n-slurp session, no doubt.

--I happened to check the blog's statcounter immediately following the 7th inning stretch, and I saw three referrals in a row read "Ronan Tynan looks like Sloth Goonies," "Sloth Goonies Ronan," and "Ronan Tynan Sloth." I really love the world wide web: Three people sitting at home just typed the exact same thought into Google at the exact same time (10:51 pm EST), and all three of them found a post from October 2004 when I mentioned the striking similarity. It's nice to know we're not alone. Wavelengths...and shit.

--How 'bout a big Bronx hand for the Yankums' coaching staff? I mean, Torre's working with three capable ex-managers and two of the most beloved former Yanks in recent history, not to mention Nancy Kerrigan out in the bullpen. Between Bowa, Peña, Mazzilli, Guidry and Donnie BB, has there ever been a better collection of brainpower on the bench or the basepaths anywhere? Sickening.

Peña has clearly made Posada a better defensive catcher (though Jorge refuses to sit with one leg out like Tony), Bowa is a fiery sparkplug that the players really seem to dig, and I hear Mazzilli doesn't care when Torre picks his nose and wipes it on his shirt. Throw in Gator and Mattingly, and there's no wonder this team has been humming along for the last few months.

--Fox panned the dugout after Jeter's eighth-inning blast, and the camera caught none other than Tanyon Sturtze on the bench with the boys. There he was, still looking exactly like Bill Paxton stung by a band of bees. This one's for you, Sturtzey.

--And, finally, a note from Monday Night Football that I forgot to mention yesterday...when ESPN puts up a split screen of sideline reporters Michelle Tafoya and Suzy Kolber, does it not look like a public service announcement for the positive effects of beer? It's almost like a "before and after" shot, like ESPN is telling me that with enough beer coursing through my veins, I could look at Michelle and see someone like Suzy, and then I'll want to kiss her. Just a thought.

Slack Link of the Day: How awesome is Fox News? These guys put up a picture of disgraced Republican Congressman Mark Foley with a "(D-FL)" next to it. How many different times? Three! That's either the cable business' worst repeat mistake of all-time or it's the work of a lie-peddlin' bias machine. Your call.

Slack Race Relations Quotation of the Day: Slacker En Regalia dug this one up, a quote from 30 years ago today off the tongue of Earl Butz, President Ford's Secretary of Agriculture: "I'll tell you what the coloreds want. It's three things: first, a tight pussy; second, loose shoes; and third, a warm place to shit." Yahtzee! He resigned.

Slack Video of the Day: For the second day in a row I'm throwin' out repeats, but I think you'll enjoy this and youse probably haven't seen it. Never been a big MadTV fan, though this Frank Caliendo is scratching me right where I itch. Check out his stand-up routine on Letterman, complete with a really solid Madden.

Slack Song of the Day: Anyone else feeling Derek & The Dominos this fine morning? Oh, you do? I was expecting a "no." Allright, lemme scrounge for some then: Key to the Highway, Little Wing, Crossroads and Blues Power. Enjoy the devil's music.


At 1:08 PM, Anonymous dorsey said...

Despite a disturbingly low number of pitch sequence reviews, McCarver was in rare form last night. Can anyone confirm that the mother of Craig Monroe (fake Marcus Thames) is actually named Marilyn? Still willing to bet my left ball McCarver made that up.

At 1:42 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

And what was up with Fox turning this thing into a Little League game? I really need to know that Cy Wang likes hip hop and pasta? C'mon! Where's Scooter when you don't need him...

At 1:53 PM, Blogger jakezebra said...

I was always pretty sure I was actually a colored and that quote seals it.

At 2:02 PM, Blogger Lozo said...

i'm just going to pretend you didn't write this. it's better for our relationship.

At 2:03 PM, Blogger Alex Fritz said...

That Rome take on C-Lendo's site was EPIC.

Rack Him.

At 2:12 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Can we also mention that when Fox News tried to scrub the "mistake" during the late night rebroadcast of The Asshole Factor, they removed ALL text–they took away the "D–FL," but didn't specifically reference him as a Republican, either.

At 2:29 PM, Blogger The Letter D said...

I could care less about loose shoes.

At 2:57 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

"The Letter D doesn't care about loose shoes." --Kanye West

At 3:30 PM, Blogger PaulNoonan said...

I thought that Torre was out of line taking his Wang out that early. I thought Farnsworth would get pounded for sure, but as usual, Jeter was there to save him.

If you know what I mean.

At 4:26 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

If you haven't seen it already, The Sports Guy's column today is HIlarious, even if he is a Boston fan.

At 8:11 AM, Blogger MDS said...

Two pieces of Earl Butz trivia:

1. He's the father of former Washington Redskin Dave Butz.
2. He's the oldest living former cabinet member.

Is anyone still reading this thread? I want my knowledge of trivia to be recognized.

At 8:51 AM, Blogger PaulNoonan said...

I learned something MDS, so it wasn't a total waste.

At 8:59 AM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

That trivia did nothing for me.


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