Monday, October 16, 2006

You're Killin' Me, Smalls

Dear Levi's®:

You guys are serious dicks. Allow me to explain a moment: Every single morning in which I've slept in my own bed for the last five-plus years, I've been woken from glorious slumber by the studio rendition of Steven Wonder's Superstition.

It's the first song on a disc that Hoobs created some time in the 1997-98 academic year, and it's been stuck in my CD alarm clock since I graduated college. Every morning, like clockwork -- hey, so that's where that expression comes from -- the familiar introductory drumbeat appears out of nowhere and I pop right out of bed to press the snooze button. Three Superstition intros later, I'm in the shower.

So now this fucking denim-pusher thinks it can just use this awesome song in its latest commercial with no repurcussions to the general public. But I'll tell you what gets screwed by this: my sleep cycle.

Twice now, when I've been half-asleep, drifting off into nighttime affairs well after midnight, the television program I use to pacify me as white noise went to commercial, and what should come on in its stead? The mersh for Levi's Fucking Coolpants, featuring the familiar introductory drumbeat of Superstition on full blast.

And like some poor Pavlovian schmuck trained to rise from the depths of dreamhood when this song begins, I've hopped right out of nigh-repose, out of bed, making a quick a move towards the snooze button. Then I realize it's only a drill, and I pray to all that is holy I can get back to sleep as fast as possible. Both times, it's taken a solid half-hour to return to my state of near-dormancy.

Levi's®, you bastards, pick another song. I suggest "Wiggle It" by 2 In a Room or Wall of Voodoo's "Mexican Radio."

Thanks,
A. Cowboy

Slack Google Searches of the Day (or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Random Search Engine Referrals): Jeannie Zelasko boobs pictures, people suck in law school, grandmama fuking, spongebob leatherpants, Geico commercial about Virginia Ham, "the finger thing means taxes", Cade McNown pregnant, Steve Lyons pulls down pants umpire, dog mushrooms, and my new favorite: "What do Jim Nantz, Dan Rather, Star Jones and Kenny Rogers share?" For real, though, I'd love to know the answer to that last query.

Slack Link of the Day: Believe it or not, the balance of the article with this lede -- "A school principal has resigned and could face felony firearm charges after he shot and killed two orphaned kittens on school property last month" -- actually makes his defense sound fairly plausible. Besides, fuck everything that's not human. I do.

Slack Video of the Day: This weekend we witnessed the greatest brawl in college football history since the Texas State Armadillos fought the #1 Texas Colts. Who else, but The U would throw down so mightily? Say goodnight, Coach Coker, your boys just signed your very own death warrant.

Slack Song of the Day: From the You Learn Something New Every Day Files, Johnny C. informed me the other night that Randy Newman is the author and original performer of Three Dog Night's Mama Told Me Not To Come. How is it possible I never knew that? How is it possible I've never heard his version? Where were you on that one, dipshits?

17 Comments:

At 12:46 PM, Blogger hoobs said...

Maybe you should just change your alarm clock to play "Da Dip" by Freak Nasty. I guess it doesn't quite have the get-out-of-bed beat that Superstition does. I used to get up every morning to Jaco Pastorius' "Come On Over," which certainly creates a little Carpe Di.

 
At 12:55 PM, Blogger offpeak34 said...

That's pretty rough about Superstition. Does waking up to that song all the time negatively impact how awesome it is?

What did you think of that TLG show? I made it there right in time for the start of the second set. I thought they pretty much rocked! It was cool seeing them in a bigger place, and I thought they brought the heat for it. How was the first set? Did I miss anything amazing?

 
At 1:10 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Come On, Come Over would be a good switch-up call for me, but I'm thinking "3 AM Eternal" by KLF might do as well. Ladies and gentlmen, Dr. JB Hoobs, this guy was at Game 4 of the ALCS, give it up for him and his glorious city. Look at 'im, attending games in which shaggy-haired superstars hit walkoff homeruns. I love Mags, always have, always will. Good stuff.

To answer your question swiftly, offpeak, no. Superstition is still as awesome as the day I first heard it, even 5,000 listens later. Always.

As for TLG, you missed a great first set -- actually the highlight of the show was the four-song block to end that first set: Garden 2, Morning Sun, Garden 3 and Panspermic. All four were nailed perfectly, no noodling, just straight ahead great rock. Fantastic stuff.

I loved that show in full, and I'll put up a review over on the new music site (coming REAL soon) this week, or next after I see them in Chicago on Saturday night. How'd you like that Franzerbeak? Monster tune.

 
At 1:35 PM, Blogger Some Dude said...

Ain't always a kick in the balls when you find out a song you thought was by was artist was really originally recorded by someone else. I'm sure plenty of people out there still think "All Along The Watchtower" was written by Jimi Hendrix. That was the first to pop in my head I know there are loads of others.

 
At 1:56 PM, Blogger DannyNoonan said...

"Ain't always a kick in the balls when you find out a song you thought was by was artist was really originally recorded by someone else."

I usually assume every song was written by Bob Dylan until I hear otherwise.

 
At 2:04 PM, Blogger hoobs said...

Thanks for the Tigers shout-out, Ace. It was really an exciting atmosphere. More drunk people with mustaches in one place than perhaps I have ever seen. Apparently, as reported in Detroit papers but no where else, Maggs said to the equipment manager before he hit his walk-off homer in the ninth: "Open up the champagne, main."

 
At 2:19 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Have you considered moving to something along the lines of Chamillionaire's "Ridin' Dirty?" My guess is that no one is going to be advertising to that one anytime soon.

 
At 3:13 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

"I usually assume every song was written by Bob Dylan until I hear otherwise."

Great life lesson, and a helluva piece of advice.

Hoobs, that's awesome about Mags -- if he said it, that's the stuff of legends. I'd love to see that independently verified by a non-Detroit journalistic entity. Also, do you think he said "main" or "mang"?

And just when Ridin' Dirty has been virtually erased from my brain, there it goes again.

 
At 4:30 PM, Blogger hoobs said...

Well, I figure the Venezualan accent is a bit different from Cuba or, say, Puerto Rico, hence the "main" rather than "mang"

 
At 5:24 PM, Blogger Alex Fritz said...

ELO's "Mr Blue Sky" is the answer, Ace.

 
At 6:18 PM, Blogger Shaun said...

I personally am a big fan of waking up to "sir duke." That always seems to give me a bounce in my step... But then again there are LOTS of Stevie tracks I could handle...

 
At 7:08 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

"ELO's "Mr Blue Sky" is the answer, Ace."

Is this a serious answer to the Google search query, Al? Explain yourself, and then some other things.

 
At 7:20 PM, Blogger NewmRadio said...

I agree... wake up to "Mr. Blue Sky!"

 
At 8:51 PM, Blogger Lozo said...

The answer to that google query is an easy one.

"Who are four people who have never been in my kitchen?"

Glad I can help.

 
At 10:16 PM, Blogger DannyNoonan said...

Yeah yeah. Nice Sandlot reference By the way.

 
At 10:40 PM, Anonymous Greg said...

"Respect" is another one like that... Otis made it, Aretha made it famous....

 
At 10:21 AM, Blogger offpeak34 said...

Oh damn, unfortunate that I missed that first set...would've been way better than suffering through that Mets game. Franzerbeak was really awesome, that song totally rocks, but really sounds like I missed some good stuff. Hopefully they won't wait too long before coming back to NYC.

 

Post a Comment

<< Home