Thursday, November 30, 2006

Mailing It In

I must apologize. I've been slackin' on Slack lately. It's just that every time I sit down to write something entertaining, I get sidetracked with real work, or my mistress blog, or inane thoughts like why it's still acceptable to say "Oriental Rugs" in this hypersensitive era of political correctness. That's just ridicurous. Ah fuck it, I got nuthin' today. I'll be right back with some breakdancing.

Slack Link of the Day: Screw it, I'm back already...but instead of breakdancing, here's some topless boxing. It's not exactly safe for work, but it's definitely safe for boners.

Slack Headline of the Day: Here's something I never thought I'd see in all my life -- Africa Faces Growing Obesity Problem.

Slack Song of the Day: Anyone else feeling a little Eddie Money today? Me neither. But let's do it anyway: Baby Hold On, Two Tickets To Paradise, and Take Me Home Tonight/Be My Baby. I feel the hunger.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Shleepsh For Babiesh

I'm not sure why this guy gets his own post, but part of me feels like he should have his own television show. I'd clearly watch it.

Slack Link of the Day: Chances are you haven't heard of this yet, but I think much is about to be made over Rep.-elect Keith Ellison's announcement that he wants to be sworn into Congress on the Koran, not the Bible. After all, Ellison is the first Muslim to hold federal office in this country. Dennis Prager at the wildly conservative Town Hall takes the first shot at the Minnesota Democrat, saying the newly elected Congressman "should not be allowed to do so."

Something tells me this is going to be a much bigger deal as we approach January than it needs to be. But my first impression is, who the fuck cares? I mean, there's only one train of though that makes sense to me: If we're asking this guy to swear to God that he'll uphold the office, why don't we want him to swear to his own God? Everything else is secondary. Meanwhile, read Prager's article, it's pretty funny to me that people actually think like that.

Slack Video of the Day: This Family Guy Top Ten clip show is pretty good, but c'mon, there is no real top ten without the "I'm not really a horse, I'm really a broom" or "You're a McDonald, not a whore" vignettes from the brilliant 15 Minutes of Shame episode.

Slack Song of the Day: Just a reminder that tonight is the last of Marco Benevento's five-night Wednesday Novemberstand down at Tonic on the Lower East Side. This evening he's dining with Reed Mathis and Matt Chamberlain, and I'll probably be at the late show. Here are some Duo tunes in honor of this evening: Something For Rockets, Play Pause Stop, and Echo Park.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Make Way For The Waaaaaambulance

With one week to go in our season, my fantasy football team was officially eliminated from playoff contention last night after Shaun Alexander's 201-yard performance. That fucking guy, now I can't stand anyone in the Barber Twins/Vince Carter/Shaun Alexander Family.

And thus concludes the silliest fantasy season in the history of the mock sport. Call it complaining, call is whining, call it Shirley, I don't care. But the ridiculocity of this ridiculousness cannot be understated. Led by overall leader LaDainian Tomlinson, sixth-highest scorer Mike Vick and third-highest scoring wide receiver Javon Walker, I scored 1,408 points this season, good for second most in the league this season. The minor problem? My opponents touched me up for 1,456 points, hundreds of points higher than any other team but one.

It's entirely conceivable that with a solid week, I can actually win the overall points title and still finish with the 7th or 8th best record in the 10-team league. That's laughable, mang! I've scored 275 more points than the odds-on favorite to win the other division, and I've given up 235 more points than the winner of my division. I mean, take away the other top two teams in the league and not a single squad came within 143 points of my total.

But the Kick Me sign remained all season long, and I got smoked week after week despite putting up killer weeks. Shit, my opponents scored more than 100 points on me every single week but one (11 of 12), the only team remotely close to pulling that off. If you ask me, all of this is grounds for breaking someone's occular cavity with a strong headbutt. But I'll resist that urge for the sake of teaching the keeedz good sportsmanship. They look up to me.

Allright, I'm done kvetching. You may now proceed with the links...

Slack Search Referrals of the Day (how people randomly found us from Google): Curt Schilling admits bloody sock was ketchup, Sherman Helmsley PCP why, Huey Lewis when sports came out, how to get a big puss, young couples unkowingly caught fucking by hidden cameras, girls bearhugging men, and George Costanza desk nap.

Slack Link of the Day: According to Britain's top music magazine, Smells Like Teen Spirit is the best song of the last two decades...I guess I've seen worse calls. Interestingly, I've seen worse just one spot lower -- Hey Ya was voted second best song of the last 20 years. Hey Ya is a catchy tune, but the second best song of the last 20 years? That's almost as funny as making Hit Me Baby One More Time the 14th-best song of the last two decades. Quality list, guys.

Slack Video of the Day: I just posted 45 minutes worth of live music videos over on Hidden Track, but I figured for this blog I'd post a video of something else I like that nobody could care less about. Seriously, even if you think soccer is the worst sport in the history of athletics, check out this video of Ronaldinho's SICK bicycle kick against Villareal this weekend. Roommate Dorsey says "That doesn't even make any sense." I concur.

Slack Song of the Day: As I mentioned yesterday, I saw three pretty cool concerts this holiday weekend. The middle show was a band called RAQ, which played three sets "On The L" in a Polish dance club in Greenpoint, Brooklyn. Here's the band's 12/9/2004 show in Northampton, Massachusetts from the RAQ website.

Monday, November 27, 2006

'Allo, Guv'nuh

It started innocently enough with a jazzy show at Tonic and ended with a shitty Marvin Harrison Sunday night performance that could spell trouble for my strangely unlucky fantasy football team. In between, well, a whole lotta cool shit happened.

Wed - Sun Thanksgiving Set: Marco Benevento/Joe Russo/Bobby Previte/Mike Dillon at Tonic, full Thanksgiving day on Lawn Gisland > obligatory The Last Waltz viewing*, impressive three-set RAQ show at a Polish nightclub in Greenpoint Brooklyn** > 6 am SportsCenter > 3 pm Wakeup***, mildly entertaining Notre Dame/USC first half > Medeski Scofield Martin & Wood at Bowery Ballroom, wildly entertaining Manchester United/Chelsea draw > dominating J-E-T-S victory^ > Giants disaster > Colts/Eagles Whatevs enc: Crash Hard

*with 30th Anniversary teases
**aptly titled "On The L" show
*** hour-long start/stop snooze jam
^Kerry Rhodes for Defensive MVP Campaign begins

But perhaps the most exciting thing I did this weekend was my booking a weeklong trip to London for late January/early February. Don Fiedler, Handstand the Younger and myself -- with the possible addition of Jacob Zebra and Bart Starbux -- will be jumping across the pond for an eight-day, seven-night Premiership Extravaganza, seeing three top-flite games and whatever else comes our way in one week's time. Those British are gonna love the Three Jerk Tour.

Now, here's where you come in...I've never asked you for shit, right? Never once for a dollar, never once for a handjob? Have I ever once requested your hand in killing my neighbor's cats, or ever for a foot in sticking it up my boss' ass? We've written 1,400 posts on this here blog and I've never collected a single dime, never received a basket of swag and I've never ejaculated onto a Slack groupie's chest.

I'm calling in my favor now: We don't wanna pay a lot for this muffler, so we need connections to tickets at any football stadium in or around London proper. So if you know ANYBODY with any sort of connections, please either e-mail me at or post something helpful in the comments section below. I'll love you long time.

Slack Link of the Day: This thing's pretty cool -- Canstruction, the Society for Design Administration's unique competition to make a contribution in the fight against hunger.

Slack Video of the Day: Oh, how I miss Mr.'s a great one called The Audition that used to crack me up to no end.

Slack Song of the Day: Why not, Neil Diamond's Cracklin' Rosie.

Saturday, November 25, 2006

KKKramer Rap

Offensively hilarious. Forewarned, be thee, says I.

Friday, November 24, 2006

A Recipe For Success

If I were Jets' general manager Mike Tannenbaum, my highest offseason priority would be signing Drew Bledsoe.

Once his signing's secure, I'd coerce Eric Mangini (if need be) into demoting Chad Pennington to the role of third-string quarterback or second punter. We'd then name current rookie Kellen Clemens as Bledsoe's back-up, start Bledsoe for six or seven games and wait for his special brand of stunning mediocrity to inspire a change under center. At that point, I figure, Clemens will be ready to emerge as one of the league's best quarterbacks, and the Jets will begin to dominate on both sides of the ball. Super Bowl bonuses.

Hey, Drew Bledsoe could have a long career in this league basically charging outrageous fees for the football equivalent of stud rights.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

That's Booshit

I was okay with Justin Morneau barely besting Derek "The Awesome" Jeter to win the AL MVP Award yesterday. When I heard the news, I was legitimately happy for Morneau, who my buddy Chuck B and I had on our fantasy team this season. So we know what kind of player he is, and we know what he did night in and night out for the Twins.

But the more I think about it, the more upset I'm getting, for two major reasons. The first is that Morneau was not even the MVP of his own team -- that was AL Cy Young winner Johan Santana. Morneau is a beast, a force in the lineup and a pretty good fielder, but without Santana on the bump every five days, the lefty first baseman is nothing more than a Carlos Lee. I'm not saying Santana should have won the AL MVP, I'm just saying the AL MVP should probably be the most valuable player on his own team to qualify for the award.

More importantly, I'm tired of the tired "But Jeter's on the Yankees!" argument. Obviously we'll never know what would have happened, but if you take Jeter off that team this season there's no guarantee they'd have made the playoffs, and I'm guessing they wouldn't. Everyone behind him in the lineup this year was either injured for a prolonged period of time or in a massive slump for much of the season, so how can you just slap on that stupid Yankees argument and be done with it? You can't, dick, and you shan't.

And as for this Billy Ripken Fuckface motherfucker that placed Jeter 6th on the ballot, he should have his voting privileges revoked, his credit cards cut up and his bank account frozen. I mean, seriously, sixth place? Thanks for confirming you either know nothing about beisbol or you're a biased dickfor with no chance of ever voting objectively. You're done, brah, I'm gonna eat your kids.

Morneau, I like ya, you've got three vowels at the end of your last name, and you deserve a piece of the hardware. But you only deserve a small piece, and you know it. That's Derek's award, whether he wants it or not. Enjoy whatcha got.

Slack Video of the Day: Thanksgiving will be over before it starts, and with holiday parties coming strong around the bend, I offer up this video as a tutorial on how not to act at your company party.

Slack Song of the Day: For no reason, Rock and Roll Part II.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Cross & Carlin

I posted this once a long time ago, but after the ugly Michael Richards incident over the weekend that saw Kramer forget to look to the cookie, I think we can all use a refresher course. Here's George Carlin teaching everyone how to handle a heckler.

Next up, you may or may not have seen the video of an eager Bank of America employee singing U2's One floating around the information superhighway last week. Hopefully you did, it’s that awful and good. Well, my hero David Cross and former Smiths dude Johnny Marr performed a rousing rendition of the BofA One before the Modest Mouse show in New York City this weekend. Wonderful.

Monday, November 20, 2006

Squeezing Out The Juice

OJ's been tackled for a big loss: "After a firestorm of criticism, News. Corp. said Monday that it has canceled the O.J. Simpson book and television special If I Did It."

But the real story here is that I beat the Sports Guy to an admittedly easy joke, and while every time we share an opinion he gets the better of me, this time I think I've won.

To be fair, here's what he wrote on Friday: "I think O.J. was jealous of all my jokes about the Tyson Zone. Fine, O.J. You win. We'll call it the O.J. Zone from now on. By the way, let's pray that this doesn't lead a series of If I Did It, Here's How It Happened sports specials with Tonya Harding, Pete Rose, Kobe, Tyson and others, although it WOULD be fun to hear David Stern explain how he suspended MJ for 18 months and forced him to go play minor league baseball because of his gambling escapades under the If I Did It, Here's How It Happened umbrella. That would be riveting."

The lesson here is clear, bloggers own columnists' faces...

Come To Think Of It...

...besides Jackie Chiles and that black family that George busts in on to watch Breakfast At Tiffany's for his book club, were there any black people on Seinfeld? Maybe it was all Kramer's doing...

Here's the story you're gonna hear about all day: "Michael Richards exploded in anger as he performed at a famous L.A. comedy club last Friday, hurling racial epithets that left the crowd gasping, and TMZ has obtained exclusive video of the ugly incident."

As my friend Henge suggested, Look to the cookie, Kramer.


"Hey, Pooty Poot, while we're wearin' these here wizard clothes, I should tellya your wife cast a Level-5 spell on my huge wand last night, he he. Like work, it was haaaaard."

Sorry, I saw that picture from the Asia Pacific summit this morning and that's the first thing that crossed my mind. It's always awesome when your mind goes to wizard sex between the American president and the Russian president's wife first thing in the morning.

In other news, I almost caught a screening of the new Guest/Levy vehicle For Your Consideration this weekend, which would have been awesome. I bought tickets online and got there a bit early, but when the hooker I hired to be my date showed up two minutes after the scheduled start, there were no seats left in the theatre. The bastards oversold it, and I had to get a refund (but no bump-like free ticket).

After a failed attempt to see Jamie Lidell at Webster Hall, we instead saw Will Ferrell pull a Punch Drunk Love Adam Sandler in Stranger Than Fiction. I can't quite put it into words, but I liked it. It was clever, the acting was tops and Dustin Hoffman's worth the price of admission alone. It's not the greatest movie you'll see this year, but it's got some new and cool cinema tricks, Buster Bluth is fantastically supporting in it, Maggie Gyllenhaal is smokin' and Emma Thompson is a thespian extraordinaire. Go see it.

In other other news, many sorries to my Michigan bretheren (quite literally, Red Cowboy went there). Regular Slack readers know I bleed Wildcat purple, but I've been a Wolverine fan forever and I think THE Ohio State should be hit with a North Korean missile some time soon. Hopefully we'll get a little re-match in 50 days and the maize and blue will avenge this loss. But OSU deserved that win, if for no other reason than it helped the student body learn how to count to 42.

Slack Quotation of the Day: One reason to watch the EPL Review Show on the Fox Soccer Channel every Sunday night, you get quotes like this one that preceded the Sheffield United v. Manchester United highlights, spoken in all seriousness: "Blades' keeper Paddy Kenny had his eyebrow bitten off during a midweek brawl but still played."

Slack Link of the Day: I missed this on Friday, but The Superficial shows us why you should still love Tina Fey -- or start liking her, Lozo -- and her never-ending honesty. She tells us why Paris Hilton is Roberto Garbaggio. [via the great Passion of the Weiss]

Slack Video of the Day: Great idea, Canadians..."A brand new Playstation 3 is purchased, and smashed in front of dozens of fanboys with a sledgehammer at Young and Dundas in Toronto." Check out this Smash My PS3 clip.

Slack Song of the Day: I've been singing the theme song from Tenacious D: The Pick of Destiny all weekend, gearing up for the movie's release this week. So this morning I'm feeling the D -- here's the ever-hilarious Double Team and Fuck Her Gently.

Friday, November 17, 2006

It's Come to This

Ace has asked me for years now what it would take for me to post again. Well, this morning I got an answer. It's the fucking countdown clock for the Michigan-Ohio St. game that is constantly on the ESPN scrolling sports update bar. Jesus Fucking Christ. Countdowns are for important things, like blasting men into space or that vertical lights thing that tells drag racers when to pop the clutch. Not for a game that happens every year that everyone knows is being played anyway. How goddamn stupid do they think we are? This is purely for entertainment value, right? Like hyping up the game? Because it can't be for any practical reason. I'm sure there's no one out there who is tuning into ESPN, seeing the countdown clock, and thinking, "Fuck, only 32 hours and 16 seconds? I better get the bean dip and my big Buckeyes foam finger." No, it's simply because they think we want to see stuff like this. Oh go to hell. Do they think we're really so retarded? Or does it work to their benefit to use personalities like Stephen A. Smith and interview Christian Slater during MNF? Like they know that people are so frustrated by their sheer ineptitude that we've got to blog about it and then they get free publicity? Plus, there's gotta be some guy at ESPN who decides when something is important enough to slap a countdown clock on the screen. It would be nice if they put a countdown clock in his cubicle that counted down to when he'd come up with the next overblown, hypetastic sporting event to use a countdown clock for. And then maybe they could also have a countdown clock counting down to when I detonate C-4 explosives in his office.

How long do you have to be friends with someone in order to make some variation on the "Koreans Eat Dogs" joke? Last night, I did a little karaoke with my colleagues, most of whom had a few pops before we strolled into the joint. While waiting for the room to open up, the Korean owner opened a back door somewhere and a dog started barking. Now I, like most of you would, instantly thought "Dinner" but I wasn't sure if I should make the joke so I suppressed. But the dog kept barking for like 2 straight minutes as if it was tempting me: "Arf arf arf arf rou should rotally make the roke about this Korean guy eating me arf." I couldn't hold out any longer and turned to the girl next to me, who I know basically in an "around the office" kind of way, and said "Geez, he must be having trouble getting dinner in the oven." A second went by when I wasn't sure what the reaction would be and then sure enough, she did the mouth gaping open but in a good way followed by smile and good natured "You're terrible." So I was in the clear. But I think that if Koreans want us to stop making these jokes they should stop eating dogs or just get some thicker skin. If I went to a tapas restaurant and there was a pig oinking in some back room, I could totally get away with saying, "Sounds like the Serrano ham is really fresh tonight." And people would say, "Yes, that's true. Spanish people eat ham." So what's the difference? I don't think the Spanish ham comment would strike people as offensive. So why the Koreans and dogs thing? I think it's that people are secretly ashamed of Koreans for eating dogs in the first place and simply don't want to be reminded.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Fun With C-SPAN

Yeah, the title seems oxymoronic, but the video is fantastic...

Gotta love it...reminds me of this poor Public Access guy.

A Post With No Post

"Gimme a pizza with nuthin'."

I always loved that mersh. Carry on, folks.

Slack Link of the Day: Robbery gone wrong, you can't help but laugh.

Slack Video of the Day: I'm enthralled by this genius of an idea -- check out this guy's video of stop motion drums and piano, which as the description suggests, "Just because you dont know how to play the piano or drums doesnt mean you cant make music." Awesome.

Slack Song of the Day: Speaking of drums and piano, I went down to Tonic last night to see one half of the Benevento/Russo Duo. Marco's got a residency down there every Wednesday of the month, and last night's gig was mostly a solo experience with a hint of Scott Metzger on guitar. Check out Hidden Track for some pictures and videos of the formal proceedings...

These two bohemoths play together every now and again in a Zeppelin outfit called Bustle in Your Hedgerow, which always kick the crowd's ass so badly they clamor for a tour after every show. Here are some soundboard samples of that greatness: Ramble On, Immigrant Song, Over the Hills and Far Away, and Fool in the Rain.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

You Like-a Da Juice?

By now I'm sure you've heard the news: O.J. Simpson (not a Jew) will sit down with publisher and crazywoman Judith Regan for a two-part interview called "O.J. Simpson: If I Did It, Here's How It Happened" that'll air Nov. 27 and Nov. 29.

Someone's either feeling a little guilty about past crimes and acting out in a desperation to cathartically clear it from his brain or he's trying like the dickens to sell his new book and knows this'll do the trick. The cynic in me says it's the latter, but the kid in me likes the frosted side. Oh, sorry, I just slipped into a Frosted Mini-Wheats mersh without even knowing it.

There's not much to say about this interview that everyone's not already thinking themselves, but I believe Fox is onto something here and should leverage a franchise out of it:

Tom Cruise could do an "If I Blew Travolta, Here's How It Happened" show, Scott Peterson could do a "If I Made My Nagging Wife An Anchor, Here's How It Happened" interview, Roger Clemens could join McCarver for a "If I Threw That Bat At Piazza's Junk, Here's How It Happened," and I could finally sit down for my long overdue "If I Killed That Colored Homeless Dude, Here's How I Enjoyed It" segment.

Fox, it could work, gimme an EP credit and we're golden grahams. Who else would you like to see come clean like this? Let us know...

Slack Link of the Day: From the "Good God, Man, That's WAY Understating It" files, a new government study found that "About 1 percent of Web sites indexed by Google and Microsoft are sexually explicit." Wait, they're saying the Internets are only 1 percent porn? That's like saying only 1 percent of Red Sawx fans don't have a high school diploma. It's just way too low.

Slack Video of the Day: I updated yesterday's SNL post to include the actual Carpool Sketch video from this Saturday's show, but I'm guessing it'll be taken down shortly. So get on over there and watch it before NBC Universal gets all protective of their shiite.

Slack Song of the Day: Maybe this is a little too analrapist Tobias Funke of me, but I'm feeling like a Queen today...Oh, Tobias, you blowhard! Let's go with Don't Stop Me Now, Fat Bottomed Girls, and a big summer of 1992 favorite, Radio Ga Ga.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

A Quick Note About SNL

Like professional wrestling, Saturday Night Live is currently in the midst of a major cyclical downturn. It'll get good again for sure, in a few years. Anyone who doesn't think so should look back at the mid-90s at the Ellen Cleghorne and Melanie Hustell-led, Jeneane Garofalo and Chris Elliott-supported garbage that preceded the hilarious Ferrell-Kattan-Oteri triumvirate.

But if you caught this past week's episode with 13-time host Alec Baldwin, you'd know how much of a difference a host makes. Baldwin turned that show upside down this Saturday, forcing more than a few audible guffaws out of my laughhole. In addition to great cameos from Steve Martin, Martin Short and Paul "Simon" McCartney, the show was more than watchable -- it was genuinely funny.

Of course NBC takes down all the SNL YouTubes so I can't show by example, but did anyone see the skit with that midly annoying chick cast member and Alec Baldwin in the carpool? The premise was great: two hesitant colleagues exchange strange (and hysterical) personal horror stories after the other makes a seemingly innocuous remark that's somehow offensive.

For example, she puts on a Celine Dion CD, he makes a nasty comment about it, she responds with a story about how she was kidnapped at 17 and held captive for a long time, and when she was given a pen and paper she wrote to Celine Dion to come and rescue her and she actually did. I can't do that justice here, but you're gonna have to trust me that it was truly ridiculous.

The punchline, well, I'm doing a slow clap over here. She tries to smooth things over and says, "Don't worry, be happy, right?" And Baldwin, with his excellent comedic timing and all, fires back instantaneously with "Bobby McFerrin raped my grandmother."

You may have already seen it on some hipster's T-shirt or heard a co-worker say it around the fax machine, but that is definitely the Chronicles of Narnia rap moment of this season (although I thought the Glengarry Elves skit was even better than that last year). But for some strange reason, in typical NBC fashion, I can't find this carpool sketch anywhere on the Internets. Any help, fuckers?

A helpful commenter found it on YouTube, but it'll be taken down shortly I'm sure. Quick, WATCH IT NOW before the bastards get us.

Slack Link of the Day: You remember South Africa, the country that made the hellishly racist policy of apartheid a global phenomenon? Well, the South African parliament has passed a bill making gay marriages legal, despite the fact that homosexuality is still largely a taboo in the country. So if you're counting at home, put historically racist South Africa on the list of nations more culturally advanced than the United States. Awesome.

Slack Video of the Day: I'm not trying to win the title of greatest self- and cross-promoter in blog history, but I just put nine great videos up on Hidden Track, and I think youse need to see them all. So get on over there and check out what's cookin'.

Slack Song of the Day: Who's ready to funk it up a bit this morning? I guess you've got no choice, so best prepare yourself for the onslaught of awesomeness that is the Dirty Dozen Brass Band: Pass the Peas (kinda) > Dead Dog in the Street > Use Me.

Ah, fuck it, this 10/9/06 show is so dyn-o-mite I'm throwing up the link for youse to stream the whole thing.

Monday, November 13, 2006

Love For The Jets

My sports horizon's been looking fucking bleak lately.

This weekend alone, top-ranked Ohio State eked out a 54-10 win over my Northwestern Cardiac Cats, Liverpool lost a season-killing 3-0 drubbing at Arsenal's Emirates Stadium, my surging fantasy football squad suffered a huge setback and fell back to .500, I was eliminated from my final remaining knockout pool with the Falcons' loss to Cleveland, and in the 15 NFL games played so far this week, I'm 3-12 against the spread. Yahtzee.

But I'm smiling this morning, grinning like a ghost on a baseball field in Iowa. The overachieving New York Jets stormed into The Razor up in Foxboro and physically beat up on the dynastic Patriots (next we're gonna mop the floor with Blessed Heart of Mary). Never mind the score -- we let Brady & Co. hang around in typical Jets fashion -- we took the fight to them for the first time since Pennington's first year as a starter. And that's what fans love to see, guys in green jerseys hitting the other team right in the mouth.

My game ball goes to rookie cornerback Drew Coleman, who turned around all the momentum by stripping Doug Gabriel on the sidelines in the first quarter. That play not only flipped what would have probably been a 10-0 Pats lead and eventual rout, it set up that 16-play, nine- minute drive that put the Jets up for good. Drew Coleman also picked off Brady just before the half, but that was negated by one of the biggest bush league calls in history. The NFL has to figure out how to protect the quarterbacks without ruining the integrity of the game.

I've hesitated to comment on the Jets' unbelievable season for fear they'd lose the rest of their games, but this team is showing me so much on both sides of the ball that I don't even believe my own crap any more. Plus, the karma gods owe us one after the bullshit Browns defeat before the bye week -- I didn't complain at the time because I know that'll be made up for us somehow, somewhere. We deserve one in our favor (like a $20 bank error), and we'll get one. I'm not calling for Super Bowl tickets or even playoff tickets just yet, but Mangini's blitzes got me fired up for the future. J-E-T-S, we spell it.

Bring on Da Basically New York Bears next week...and don't worry Giants' fans, we'll protect your house for ya.

Slack Search Engine Referrals of the Day: Someone out there in the Internets wants to know "how to eat a muffin with no crumbs." I'll help them out, since they somehow landed on this here rag. There's one simple suggestion, and one complicated one.

My first answer is "Eat it in one bite." Simple enough. The other answer? Take the muffin, put it in a blender, puree that shit nice and good, break your jaw with a heavyweight hammer, wire up that jaw, put a straw into the mug, drink that muffin up. Now, you may ask, why not just drink it without breaking your own jaw? 'Cuz I just don't see how that's any fun. Allright, enjoy your muffin, fuckface.

Here are some other fun Google searches from today: A*Team episode when BA's van goes into the water, jaguar for men hand jobs barely know, and "my balls are shrinking."

Slack Link of the Day: As expected, it appears K-Fed (aka Fed-Ex) has a honeymoon sex tape for sale. But here's a strange line from the article: "They did nothing all day but have sex — and play the odd game of chess." I think I'd pay more money for a tape of these two fucking idiots playing chess than of them having sex. That might say something about me, but it's true.

Slack Video of the Day: Here's a clip of a tune called The Baby Inside that some guy from the Phish board recorded a couple months ago. From the title it seems like a wholesome, sweet song...well, okay.

Slack Song of the Day: Here's one of my favorite pianists, Mr. Horace Silver, with Doodlin', The Preacher, Cape Verdean Blues, and Song For My Father (and tell me Steely Dan didn't steal-y dan the piano intro for Rikki Don't Lose That Number). Enjoy.

Friday, November 10, 2006

Have Five Links... get you through the end of this long week. Have them:

1. Here's a fantastic post for anyone between the ages of, say, 24 and 35: "Much has been made about [NHL '94]. We agree with everything that has been said, it is the Beatles of video game hockey. However, that is not why I am here today. Today I want to look at the most underrated part of this game. No, not the crowd meter, not the unstoppable force that is the Phil Housley, today I am here to talk about the Instruction Manual."

2. Anyone that hangs out 'round here on a regular basis knows I'm not much for what the kids call "the rap music." Give me some hippie jamband noodling or some die-already classic rock, and I'm the happiest functioning stoner on planet earf. But Chuck B forwarded me this awesome YouTube clip of Aries Spears imitating various rappers on the Live 105 Morning Show, and it's something you oughta watch and pass on to your loved ones and pets...

3. Chuck B also passed this one along: David Brent Comes To Life.

4. Ever see someone get the first question wrong on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? No? Well, would you like to? It's awesome.

5. Hey, have I mentioned that this devilishly handsome and wickedly brilliant blogger I know started a music site called Hidden Track last month? Well, he did, and since they're averaging between two and four posts a day, there's a lot of content on that there rag that will hopefully keep you coming back for thirds like the fat fucks youse are.

Enjoy your weekends, ya no-good fonzanoons. Olive juice.

Man-on-Dog Caption Contest

Senator Ricky Santorum is on his way out...and the sadness of his defeat shall haunt my dreams forever. My favorite part of his concession speech was when he began with "First and foremost, I want to thank God," and the entire crowd cheered like Jesus R. Christ himself had emerged from the back with Satan in a sleeperhold.

"I lost because you touch yourself at night."

I mean, there's a lot to attack here: Ricky's gentle touching of the plaid girl's shoulder, the Harry Potter son's stoic look that screams of Columbine, the daughter in the back who's wholesome by day and giving half of Pennsylvania rusty trombones by night...go to town, Slackers. Bring it on home for the Santorum family.

Slack Link of the Day: This is one of the crazier cases of mistaken identity involving redheaded teenagers I've ever seen. Warning, I'm stealing this line from someone else: "Damn, they do look a lot alike. Maybe some of the black men in prison really are innocent."

Slack Blog of the Day: Our friend Reverend Dave is on the road and keeping a blog, and he sent this entry to my attention yesterday:

"I was in Athens GA for two nights for the Drive By Truckers last weekend and randomly learned about an evengelical professional wrestling league called Ultimate Christian Wrestling. I couldnt pass up something that ridiculous. So I went and not only was it the most awesomely bad thing I have ever seen, but for the big finale, they did one of those old school 'Sting runs in and beat up all the bad guys' style endings, except with Jesus Christ himself in the role of Sting."

Slack Video of the Day: I'm not one for ganging up on a bona fide loser, but check out this clip of fans exiting the K-Fed show in Chicago the other night. I didn't think this guy was my type of comedy, but he's looking more and more like a great source of hilarity.

Slack Song of the Day: We haven't done a Friday StreamStash twofer mix-up in a long time, so let's -- The Boy in the Bubble and Diamonds on the Soles of Her Shoes (Paul Simon), Reuben James and Just Dropped In (To See What Condition My Condition Was In) (Kenny Rogers), Caldonia Mission and It Makes No Difference (Rick Danko), Never Gonna Give You Up and Together Forever (Rick Astley).

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Was That the Battering Ram?

Here's a fantastic local news report about a major drug bust...

I guess they need it with all that coke-induced limpdick...


So I saw Borat last night. I won't spoil anything, but I will say it far suprassed even my heaviest expectations for classicness. It's tough to call this a "great movie" for obvious reasons; still, it was probably the most entertaining series of vignettes you'll ever watch.

But more than that, I'm actually quite relieved I saw it in the theater. I'm the type of guy that will miss a movie on opening weekend, then miss it the next weekend, and before you know it, I won't see it at all. Then because everyone's already seen it, and because they're all fawning over how much they love it, I won't catch it at all, not even on television or DVD or Betamax, mostly out of spite. That's how I roll.

And that's the story of how I've never seen the movie Braveheart. Did you just gasp audibly? I bet some of you just turned to your loved ones and said, "Holy fuck, I thought this kid was somewhat decent, but now I think he's a fucking turd licker. He licks turds!"

It's true (well, not about the turds), I've never seen Braveheart, and I have no desire to do so at this point. Show of hands, how many of youse think a little differently of me than before you read this post? It's crazy, but information like that has caused all sorts of people to kick me in the junk, burn my mother with a menthol cigarette and call me a "purse-toting, cock-loving Mary."

So I'm glad I caught Borat, a truly awesome moviegoing experience from popcorn to credits. It's-a niiiice. That was an easy ending.

Slack Anniversary of the Day: I can't believe it's been eight years since the last time I tripped my balls off on the magic mushrooms...

Slack Song of the Day: That trip took place at the UIC Pavillion on 11/9/98, one of the more underrated shows I ever saw. Frankenstein > Freebird (a capella) encore? You gotta be shitting me. Stream it.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Post-Electoral Hangover

Pardon me, I'm a little Schiavo this morning...I'm not sure about the last time I worked a 15-hour day, but I bet I hated it just as much as yesterday. And I bet I hated it just as much as I do the Jews.

It's a good day to be a registered Democrat. But, really, can you get truly excited about the prospect of Nany Pelosi and Harry Reid running the show in the House and Senate? Pelosi looks like either The Joker or Joe Randa and sounds like Daryl Hannah's shrieking in Splash, and Reid has all the charisma and charm of a high school principal with the conviction and character of a door-to-door knife salesman. I'm all for optimism, but it may get worse before it gets better.

Since coherent thought is a stretch for me right now, here are a couple more bullet-pointed notes about the election...

--The American electorate may have voted them bums out, but that questionably scary brand of social conservatism is alive and well in this country. Just check out some of the ballot initiatives that passed and failed last night: English as Official Language in Arizona passed by a 3:1 margin (along with AZ's three other anti-illegal immigrant proposals), same-sex marriage was banned in seven of eight states, Michigan by a healthy margin restricted affirmative action, Missouri just barely passed an amendment to protect stem cell research, and voters shot down all three pro-marijuana measures. Maybe the stoners just forgot to come out and vote. Heyyyyo, pot humor!

The bright side of the ballot initiatives? South Dakotans voted to overturn the law banning all abortions in the state (including the awesome rape and incest kind), Arizona became the first state to ever beat back a ban on gay marriage, all six states passed their higher minimum wage proposals and nine "Say No to Eminent Domain" states bravely told the government to fuck off and get their own land.

--I give much of the credit for this Democratic victory to Rep. Rahm Emanuel, head of the DCCC and former Clinton finance geek. The man with the plan like Verbal Kint, he helped the Dems be more cohesive than ever, more on message than ever, more prepared than ever, and they fought for every district. I'm a big fan of Emanuel's, and it's not just because his brother Ari was the basis for Jeremy Piven's Ari Gold character in Entourage (true story). Look out for Rahm, he's gonna be big time...I once interviewed him and he sounded dreamy.

--I walked in to my apartment just before 11 to catch The Daily Show/ Colbert Report Midterm Midtacular, thankfully. Not only was the level of hilarity even higher than you'd expect from Jonny Stew and Stevie C, but Dan Rather dropped by to add some serious newsy legitimacy to the comedic proceedings (I'll leave out the obvious "Rather's a pro at fake news" joke). I'll tell you, watching Stewart put Rather in stitches following his part-Droopy, part-Lieberman imitation was worth the price of admission, and that price was free, so there that is. If you missed it, try tuning into some clips here.

That's it. I'm tapped. Wanna talk election? Do it below.

Slack Quotation of the Day: While Stewart commanded the laughs much better than Colbert, Stevie did orate the line of the night: "Tomorrow, you're all gonna wake up in a brave new world, a world where the Constitution gets trampled by an army of terrorist clones, created in a stem-cell research lab run by homosexual doctors who sterilize their instruments over burning American flags...where tax and spend Democrats take all your hard-earned money and use it to buy electric cars for National Public Radio and teach evolution to illegal immigrants. Oh, and everybody's high!"

Slack Link of the Day: The election may be over, but here's a cool electioral story from NPR you gotta listen to: "Melissa Block talks with voice-over artists Dennis Steele and Scott Sanders about how to make a threatening voice for a political ad." Damn, that's good.

Slack Video of the Day: Any time there's an election in this country, I turn to one of this country's smartest pundits...because nobody tells it like it is better than George Carlin.

Slack Song of the Day: I caught a band called Bump open for U-Melt last April, and they were well above everyone's expectations. Turns out after talking to someone in their management, they were even down a member that night. But they put on a great show, and I've continued to throw my support behind them. Check 'em out if they ever hit your area...for a free sample, here's Fat Ass, Motorland and the Talking Heads' Life During Wartime from 12/18/04.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Madonna & Her Newly Adopted African Son

Whatchu talkin' 'bout, Fakebritish Slutbag?

Somehow that's a funny pic we got from

Stop E-Mailing Me To Vote, Jerks

I don't mean to sound too much like the teacher at the beginning of Dazed and Confused, but today when you’re being inundated with all this Election Day pundit prophecy and exit polls brouhaha, don’t forget that nobody knows shit ’til the polling stations finish counting.

Not unlike the 2004 Yankees, leave it to the Lefties to peak entirely too soon. Unbridled optimism from the Democrats suddenly became dangerously cautious optimism (with a dash of Hide the Pelosi), and the Republicans over the past two weeks have morphed from sourpuss defeatists into a smug bunch of wannabe underdogs. The Republicans are basically the 2004 Red Sox.

So I'd recommend waiting 'til it's all over this time before the Democrats start celebrating and dancing the spite hora with Joe Lieberman's family. And while we hang out, let's rewind Slack LaLane to November 2004, the last time the Democrats' optimism turned to a big pile of dogshit after midnight. Here are five old posts, back in the days when we shunned short paragraphs and kinda sucked at this:

--Needing Newton (with 40 well-written comments)
--Inside the Campaigns
--Reflections on Elections
--Coming To

Well, good luck...may we see wholesale change, regardless of party.

Slack Addendum of the Day: I neglected to mention in yesterday's Running the NYC Marathon With a Big Bag of Pot story that my friend finished the race in something like three hours and 20 minutes. Not bad for a guy carrying an extra ounce on him for 18 miles...

Slack Link of the Day: There's a new condom hitting the market that most dudes will be plenty psyched about -- here's a safe-for-work video demonstrating how easy it is. No thanks, I prefer to struggle for a minute and lose whatever tiny erection I had working before.

Slack Video of the Day: From an episode of the wickedly underrated Robot Chicken, here's Mario Brothers Vice City, or some other mash-up of the Mario name with Grand Theft Auto.

Slack Song of the Day: Considerign the day, it'd be hard not to post Tea Leaf Green's Vote on Tuesday from the Vic show I caught in Chicago last month. Check out the cool Chamleon jam in the middle of that's Herrrbie Hancock. As a bonus, here's the highlight of that show, The Invasion, and a cool Las Vegas.

Monday, November 06, 2006

Yeah, That's Pretty Impressive

This headline begs more questions than it provides answers:

Naked man arrested for concealed weapon

Go 'head and read that bad boy. It's a shining example of double entendre journalism -- every single sentence is chock full of laughs.

Running's a Natural High

I received a hilarious communiqué via text message just before 1 pm yesterday. My friends camped out about two-thirds of the way through the New York City Marathon to cheer on another buddy of ours, and I opened my phone to find the following sentiment as I finished devouring a strong-to-quite-strong bacon, cheddar and feta omelette:

"[Name redacted]'s looking good at Mile 18...Handed a big bag of pot to [name redacted] as he ran by. Dead serious."

Now that's my kind of marathon. If you knew the runner, and some of you do, this wouldn't be all that surprising. He's not a smoker by any means, never seen him stoned, but he's definitely among the most ridiculous human beings on this planet and could easily be the main character of an acclaimed Truman Show type of television program.

So if someone tells me that this kid threw a big bag of pot at his friends that he found in the cab on the way to the starting line and that he ran with it in his hands or pants for 18 miles solely with the intention of giving it to his stoner friends, then I'd believe the hell out of it without blinking. Turns out, that's exactly what happened.

And when all 37,000 runners return home and tell their stories, I bet that's the winner. Screw the handicapped "true winners" and the Lance entourage, that story beats 'em like they're women and children.

Other notes from the weekend: While fools were running all over the city's boroughs this weekend, I was loving the televised sports I watched this weekend. The Mighty Jets had a bye week, but the Northwestern Mildcats upset Iowa 21-7 on the road, Liverpool showed it's still in top form at home with a 2-0 win over Reading, and my fantasy football squad posted what's shaping up to be a record-breaking week, with Josh Brown still to kick tonight.

In fact, four guys on my team -- LT, Javon, Kevin Jones and (I accidentally shot) Marvin Harrison (in the face) -- would have handily beat any other full team in the league except one. Those guys put up a total of 132 points by themselves, leading Double Wing (Double Wing) to its fourth straight win, and at this point I'll be disappointed with anything short of the championship match. Nerds!

Slack Link of the Day: Want to be a police officer in India? Well, here's an interesting way to make a solid impression on the decision-makers: "Hundreds of people applying to join the police have gone on the rampage in the northern Indian city of Ghaziabad. Riots began because many felt a written test was too difficult, officials say." Nothing like a good rape and pillage to show you're a serious candiate.

Slack Contest of the Day: Wanna win a copy of the new three-disc Johnny Cash At San Quentin set that's being released in a couple weeks? Follow that link, and follow your nose.

Slack Video and Song of the Day: Geico's commercial report card is pretty up and down. The Gekko commercials are totally hit or miss, skewing towards regular misses.

But the Geico Caveman mershes are among the best stuff on the telly savalas, and each subsequent episode seems to increase in overall awesomeness. The last two have been especially fantastic, both the CNN-style interview and the airport people-mover. The people-mover one is so great it even inspired this crude stick-figure mock-up.

Well, it took us a few weeks to motivate, but Roommate Dorsey decided to track down and download the song playing in the background of the airport mersh: The song's called Remind Me by the Norwegian electronika duo Royksopp. So in what I'd call "a great service," you can download the song here and work out to it all day and night while building up those muscles.

And if you want to hear Royksopp's original version of Remind Me (I'm guessingit's the original) and see the video, follow this link.

Friday, November 03, 2006

It's Haaard Wooork

Sorry, folks, the guy who actually pays me money to do work for him needs me to do just that today. No, I'm not talking about evangelical hypocrite Rev. Ted Haggard, I'm referring to my boss. Sinner.

Until free time emerges, if it emerges at all, youse're on your own. But, hey, there's this awesome new music blog out there...shit, sorry.

Oh, here's a piece of interesting, late-breaking political news:
Most sports fans know that Lynn Swann is running for governor of Pennsylvania. But did anyone else know that former NFL QB and notorious draft bust Heath Shuler is up nine points over eight-term incumbent Charles Tayler in North Carolina's 11 District? It's possible the Democrats will take back the House, and Heath Fucking Shuler could be the man that leads them to victory. Classic.

If Shuler wins, I'm predicting right now that Gus Frerotte will somehow win a Gray Davis-style recall of Shuler and proceed to moronically and ironically headbutt the Vietnam Memorial after a successful vote. Swanny, meanwhile, needs The Immaculate Election right about now. He trails by about 20 points in the latest poll, and soon he'll surely return to the sidelines with the rest of the chicks...and Jack Arute.

It's sports! It's politics! It's political and sports humor together! Sometimes I'm just really awesome and incredibly lame.

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Breaking Down Teen Wolf

Here's a thought-provoking e-mail from Scuffy McGee:

My buddy and I were talking about how Teen Wolf is the worst example of revenge, or even "got ya last." In a scene at the bowling alley in the middle of the movie, Mick (Bully) says he killed Scott's (Wolf) mother. Scott's retaliation is to then beat Mick in the High School Championship basketball game and celebrate in his face. I don't know about you, but I'm pretty sure this does not constitute an "Even Steven" situation. Your thoughts?

My thoughts? You're 100 percent correct, buddy. That's not even close to square one. That's an underwhelming proportional response by any definition if you ask me, and you just did.

But my real pickin' bone with this movie isn't specific to Teen Wolf, though this particular movie is possibly the worst offender. Are you telling me that guy Mick was a high school student? He looked about 34 at the time. That asshole coulda been Ron Livingston's older brother. Now I was a bit of a late bloomer, but I'm pretty sure that dude had more hair volume on his chest than a '70s beaver.

Even worse, however, have you ever noticed that when Scott is making those no-time-left foul shots, Mick just stands directly below the basket, staring eye-to-eye with his rival? I'm no Ed Hightower, but I'm pretty sure someone's gotta ask him to move to one side of the lane. Nah, I'm kidding, I actually am Ed Hightower.

Slack Link of the Day: EB passed along this awesome story of a G.O.B. Bluth wannabe named Patrick the Escape Artist. You see, Patrick's latest illusion on the 80th anniversary of Harry Houdini's non-escape death landed him in a Miami jail. Aren't magicians supposed to end every escape trick a free man? Tough stuff, G.O.B.

Slack Quick Link of if the Day: Here's an absolutely tasteless but priceless link from YTMND. But wait 'til the song loops all the way through, there's a nice surprise in there.

Slack Video of the Day: Another celebrity sex tape? Good God, haven't we had enough of these assfaces trying to keep themselves in the limelight? This clip's safe for work at least.

Slack Song of the Day: Eight years ago tonight, the popular rock band Phish whipped out a complete and flawless Dark Side of the Moon in a half-filled Utah arena. What most people don't remember is the sick Tube > Drowned opener and the fairly terrible Smells Like Teen Spirit encore. Happy anniversary, ya dirty wooks.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

We Don't Take Too Kindly...

It occurs to me that this here rag has lately been a touch more racist and small-minded than usual. Sure, everyone's a little bit racist, but in the past fortnight I've managed to nail the Jews, the Koreans, the Mexicans, and probably the retards, though that's not really a race, and they probably deserve it.

Look, I'm a good guy. I'm actually a huge fan of the melting pot. I like all God's creatures, no matter what color their face or what shape their eyes. So what's the best way to tone down the hate speech around here? I'm guessing it wasn't by throwing a Halloween party in which we erected a porous border fence, I dressed as a Border Patrol sheriff and my two roommates showed up as sombrero-clad illegal immigrants. But I'm pretty sure I never once said "Hey you wetback," which is a major accomplishment in the scheme of things.

We also posted signs along the hallway corridor that alerted people they were "Now Leaving Mexico." But I'm not sure anyone even realized they were there, especially my roommates, who passed back and forth through the fence with no problems whatsoever. Hey, it's just like real life in here. Well, maybe this sign is a little wrong:

Did I say I was a border sheriff? Oh, I meant I was actually a dead ringer for the cop from the Sabotage video. This perfect example of doppelganging didn't exactly happen on purpose, but once the fifth person said, "Hey, Sabotage!" I just decided to run with it. Here the Sabotage Cop/Border Patrol Deputy with a failing moustache can be seen asking this illegal immigrant (Roommate Dorsey) for papers:

Fuck the papers, in this shot I think I'm demanding "mas Jack Daniels" from Roommate Glaser, who must have been shitting in his pantalones from my intimidating police presence:

I don't have any official hardware, but I'd like to present my favorite three 'stumes of the night. My real favorite was the gang of four randoms I saw roaming the street earlier dressed as the Publisher's Clearinghouse Prize Patrol, complete with a huge batch of balloons and the giant check. But since I don't know them, and I didn't have a camera, they don't get shit.

First prize goes to the most hysterically obscure costume of the night: Deadwood's Richardson. I'd guess that only about one out of every 100 people knew who Lukas was impersonating with this 'stume, but those that did really enjoyed the kid's effort. I know I did. Deadwood fans, this is ridiculous, no? Easily first prize, especially considering those are real antlers.

Kenny Alias wins second prize with his portrayal of the ultimate holier-than-thou crunchy jaded vet tour wook. Kenny was the first to arrive last night, “fresh from Deer Creek.” He had just wandered the West Village streets whispering “doses” and looking for a sixer of “phatty Sammy Smiths,” making his way up to my place early to tell me what a disaster the current crop of Tweezers have been. “Things were way better before the hiatus,” he lamented.

“Hey, you wanna hit a bowl before more people get here?” I offered Kenny. Without missing a beat he responded, “Nah, I’ve gotta work on an insane Motion for Reconsideration tomorrow.” You can take the wook out of the federal judge clerkship, but you can’t take the federal judge clerkship out of the wook.

And third prize could have been first prize any other year, but there was some stiff competition in 2006 and Stern got hosed. Without any further introduction necessary, Lumberg fucked her:

Let this be a lesson to all of you: Attention to detail reigns supreme.

I guess I can understand the Halloween curmudgeons out one point in my life I was down on the 'Ween. But if you can get wasted on a weeknight and enjoy the freak show on Bleecker Street all night long, well, that's just gravy. Here's to another solid year of being jackasses -- let's do it again next year, eses.

Slack Videos of the Day: A team of street performers roped off a section of Bleecker right as the parade got started and danced for a little while for big crowds. It's always nice to see these guys actually perform in the street -- so it's not just a shitty nickname.

And here's a re-run of Donnie Fiedler struttin' around in his ridiculous costume that likely scarred children for life. Way to go, Don.

Don Fiedler Breaks It Down

Until I can properly figure out where I am -- I'm a total Schiavo right now -- and recap the festivities of last night's holiday celebration, enjoy this YouTube clip of this blog's co-founder freaking the fucking balls of everyone on Bleecker Street (before bolting early, booo):

That dance doesn't quite hold a candle to the non-costumed Eastern European gentleman in his late 20s that asked me if I "have toilet" as he reached out two dollar bills at 2:40 am, but it was one of the highlights of my fun-filled evening...